Interconnectivity

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Do we as nons get the moment long after the battle is over (i.e they've apocalypsed and we're left to fight on, for our own/kid's sakes) where we have extremely bad days - (I'm thinking about just getting some stuff together and walking away from all of this tbh, if I stop posting you'll know I've done, I regret holding on. For what? ) and we revert to blaming the BPD person everytime things get the better of us. Let's face it, we're f*****d up because of their choices, ultimately. We are lost at sea because of them driving us off the cliff. However life sucks is amplified tenfold and we may have a day like today (I wouldn't wish my life on my worst enemy, except the exBPDgf IS my worst enemy) and so... .blaming them, we're shadowing their behavior to some extent - although legitimately, whereas, we, as we know, have all been singled out and put through hell for BPD-driven reasons. I try to explicitly be strong and good for some cause greater than my own need for a relationship - i.e that other people my benefit fro such utilitarian gesture - but ti's really something I'm deciding to give up on. I am nihilistic as hell. I just want Hokikomori; curtains drawn, music off. Everything I have tried my hand at - the things I really enjoyed during the BPD/Long-distance-relationship journey - has just felt pointless and subjectively sucked.

I felt I had no emotional support from her. I felt that she couldn't offer the absolute essentials i.e empathy, listening, compassion - the real love we all seek.

When apocalypse came it was at the low end of a low three-four years - my mum was having heart-surgery, I was struggling still am - and it just has really mutated since we've split. I don't know how I am doing it. I don't want it, really. I don't know where I am going, I don't have a destination, I am lost - quarter-life-crisis? I do blame her until the day I die. Occasionally - you can see that in my opening post on bpdfamily- I was prone to even kindness - because I simply am empathetic - I said it was a shame that this illness would obscure a nice person - but gah, I am sick of thinking like that -literally sick and ill, trying to espouse goodness when my world, my interior world, has been wrecked by the opposites.

I don't have the safety net of a loving relationship -I never did, tbh, this woman was a fraud who I bent over backwards to help. I felt because my love for her had existed despite her BPD - which was diagnosed-  I was suddenly saintly, I felt strong, I felt I had the power. 

It's all interlinked in the sense that there's been this massive domino effect. My one regret in life = being too decent - this attracts parasites, of course. My life was 1 month absolute pain post-split: one week of getting to know the pointless date (felt great, but she ... .ultimately let me down) and since then a slide ... .not as painful as month one, but utterly hopeless, devoid of any progress, a battle within a battle (to simple function as life expects of you, rather than being happy, stable and free)

In my life - I know there's worse, but my life hasn't been the best - I have been filled to the gills with being let down, everything I tried to possess and find sacred spoiled. I only carried on - literally, honestly - around twenty because I thought "Surely you deserve better"

and then I met her and my life wasn't rosy anyway - LDR/BPD struggling always financially, emotionally... .but now... .now it's gone, it's almost like there is no reason to carry on, no existential purpose - when before it was ... .interlocked in that battle with her/illness - trying, playing out of my skin to love somebody despite their deficiency - I guess I can do that for someone else - I knoow I know I know I know ALL of our BPD exes are AWARE of this and that's the stone around their neck, that we're introspective, try, love, sacrifice and can do it just as easily for someone else - so give yourself hope there - but I am so cynical of people not just my age (mid-twenties - the date who was intervening through the two bouts of blue days was eighteen, and sadly acted it, exBPDgf was seven years older than me, sadly acted 12 most times) I just think there's too much shallowness in the world anyway, in a nutshell. But I am deviating and ranting here.

Do we have bad days and then revert automatically to blaming ex-BPDs?

[allweareisallweare]

Do we as nons get the moment long after the battle is over (i.e they've apocalypsed and we're left to fight on, for our own/kid's sakes) where we have extremely bad days - (I'm thinking about just getting some stuff together and walking away from all of this tbh, if I stop posting you'll know I've done, I regret holding on. For what? ) and we revert to blaming the BPD person everytime things get the better of us. Let's face it, we're f*****d up because of their choices, ultimately. We are lost at sea because of them driving us off the cliff. However life sucks is amplified tenfold and we may have a day like today (I wouldn't wish my life on my worst enemy, except the exBPDgf IS my worst enemy) and so... .blaming them, we're shadowing their behavior to some extent - although legitimately, whereas, we, as we know, have all been singled out and put through hell for BPD-driven reasons. I try to explicitly be strong and good for some cause greater than my own need for a relationship - i.e that other people my benefit fro such utilitarian gesture - but ti's really something I'm deciding to give up on. I am nihilistic as hell. I just want Hokikomori; curtains drawn, music off. Everything I have tried my hand at - the things I really enjoyed during the BPD/Long-distance-relationship journey - has just felt pointless and subjectively sucked.

I felt I had no emotional support from her. I felt that she couldn't offer the absolute essentials i.e empathy, listening, compassion - the real love we all seek.

When apocalypse came it was at the low end of a low three-four years - my mum was having heart-surgery, I was struggling still am - and it just has really mutated since we've split. I don't know how I am doing it. I don't want it, really. I don't know where I am going, I don't have a destination, I am lost - quarter-life-crisis? I do blame her until the day I die. Occasionally - you can see that in my opening post on bpdfamily- I was prone to even kindness - because I simply am empathetic - I said it was a shame that this illness would obscure a nice person - but gah, I am sick of thinking like that -literally sick and ill, trying to espouse goodness when my world, my interior world, has been wrecked by the opposites.

I don't have the safety net of a loving relationship -I never did, tbh, this woman was a fraud who I bent over backwards to help. I felt because my love for her had existed despite her BPD - which was diagnosed-  I was suddenly saintly, I felt strong, I felt I had the power. 

It's all interlinked in the sense that there's been this massive domino effect. My one regret in life = being too decent - this attracts parasites, of course. My life was 1 month absolute pain post-split: one week of getting to know the pointless date (felt great, but she ... .ultimately let me down) and since then a slide ... .not as painful as month one, but utterly hopeless, devoid of any progress, a battle within a battle (to simple function as life expects of you, rather than being happy, stable and free)

In my life - I know there's worse, but my life hasn't been the best - I have been filled to the gills with being let down, everything I tried to possess and find sacred spoiled. I only carried on - literally, honestly - around twenty because I thought "Surely you deserve better"

and then I met her and my life wasn't rosy anyway - LDR/BPD struggling always financially, emotionally... .but now... .now it's gone, it's almost like there is no reason to carry on, no existential purpose - when before it was ... .interlocked in that battle with her/illness - trying, playing out of my skin to love somebody despite their deficiency - I guess I can do that for someone else - I knoow I know I know I know ALL of our BPD exes are AWARE of this and that's the stone around their neck, that we're introspective, try, love, sacrifice and can do it just as easily for someone else - so give yourself hope there - but I am so cynical of people not just my age (mid-twenties - the date who was intervening through the two bouts of blue days was eighteen, and sadly acted it, exBPDgf was seven years older than me, sadly acted 12 most times) I just think there's too much shallowness in the world anyway, in a nutshell. But I am deviating and ranting here.

Do we have bad days and then revert automatically to blaming ex-BPDs?

[allweareisallweare]

PS- I am super-exuberant, artistic-leaning, creative, expressive, emotional ... .so could have had the tools for the fight, i.e analysis, expression, insight - and yet this was all curtailed no matter how much I tried to deploy these 'secret' weapons... .because of the BPD ... .completely incompatible, she needs perhaps someone with a cool head and a cold heart... .but then I'd only be recycled.

But ultimately, I'm a nice guy - work hard at everything, never give in. That was why I think I am legitimate to blame this parasite for my status quo.

[Ironmanrises]

PS- I am super-exuberant, artistic-leaning, creative, expressive, emotional ... .so could have had the tools for the fight, i.e analysis, expression, insight - and yet this was all curtailed no matter how much I tried to deploy these 'secret' weapons... .because of the BPD ... .completely incompatible, she needs perhaps someone with a cool head and a cold heart.... but then I'd only be recycled.

But ultimately, I'm a nice guy - work hard at everything, never give in. That was why I think I am legitimate to blame this parasite for my status quo.

In bold.

I have all the same tools you mention... .

As i am sure many others... .

On here have as well.

Empathy... .Check.

Effect on PwBPD... .?

In idealization... .

She loved my empathy... .

In devaluation... .

She hated my empathy... .

Said it made me "sensitive and weak... ."

So overall effect on pwBPD... .?

None.

It negated itself out.

Compassion... .Check.

Effect on pwBPD... .?

In idealization... .

She loved my compassionate flair... .

Said it made her feel "safe and loved... ."

In devaluation... .

She hated my compassion... .

Said to me "i dont want want you to care about me... ."

In a cold and nasty way.

Overall effect on pwBPD... .?

None.

It negated itself out.

Insight/analysis... .Check.

Effect on pwBPD... .?

In idealization(round 2 is when i knew about her BPD)... .

She loved that i read about her disorder... .

To an extent.

She didnt want me to know "too much"... .

But loved how i was able to detect... .

The very fact... .

That she was disordered... .

At least on the surface.

In devaluation... .

She hated the fact... .

That i knew she had BPD(even though undiagnosed)... .,

Said to me "you are no therapist... .I dont have that... ."

And literally... .

In the same sentence... ."And if i have that... .

I have to want to get help for it... ."

Denial/admit.

Overall effect on pwBPD... .?

None.

It negated itself out.

So having all these weapons... .

Made no difference.

They were curtailed... .

As you mentioned.

In bold/underlined.

A cool head and a cold heart... .

Is a dead person.

Or maybe a psychopath... .?

Either way... .

She doesnt need either one.

There is no type of person... .

That would ultimately... .

Overcome the PwBPD.

The disorder will manifest itself out... .

The same... .

With everyone... .

Who gets too close... .

To them... .

Inevitably.

They will destroy every person... .

Who develops feelings for them... .

In an intimate relationship.

This forum... .

Is the living proof... .

Of that.

I know it sucks.

Hang in there.

[purpleavocado]

I can relate- and I think that pwBPD can easily spot people who are decent, empathetic, etc. So while I'm reading a lot of self-blame in your post, I hope that you don't hold on to that, because being a good person and empathetic is a positive thing! Just because there are certain personalities who will take advantage of that... .we need to be careful of heeding the red flags, which is a big lesson from these kinds of relationships.

My ex also gave me no emotional support whatsoever, while everything in her life was dramatic. I supported her through a parents death, unemployment, and a serious drug addiction, and in the end I got "I know that I can take advantage of you and I can't stop. You are like my mother and you love me unconditionally."

Although not unconditionally enough to give up the rest of my life to taking care of her.

Hang in there.

[Learning_curve74]

In life there are plenty enough people that really don't care about you or me. How important is it to be validated by their opinion of us? What makes their opinion of us more worthwhile in our eyes over the inner self-worth we should have for ourselves?

Also in life there will be plenty of people that lie and want to take advantage of us. Sure we can be fooled and it will hurt like hell if it was a trusted friend or especially a loved one. And it will be natural to feel like we are unable to trust because it is betrayal by those we least expected it from.

It is easy to fall into the trap that certain experiences of the world represent the entirety of human existence, but how can it? I know there are genuinely honest, caring, and loving people in this world because I have met them, and on that rare occasion even fallen in love with them. And while it never lasted "forever" for me, I understand sometimes life's not fair, and that's just the way it is. For me it's been the right person at the wrong time or the wrong person at the right time.  

It's perfectly fine to blame someone else for the crap they pulled on us. But once we realize a person is poison to us, what is the benefit to perpetually being the victim in our minds? That is part of the trap a pwBPD is stuck in, must we follow the same path?

Don't get me wrong, there is benefit to feeling pain and being hurt. Pain is telling us something is WRONG. So then we must work towards healing, and as long as we recognize that, then the pace is whatever it is we are ready for. And sometimes it doesn't hurt to get a kick in the butt to speed us on the way, that's why I like the forums here.

Best wishes to you.  

[houseofswans]