How do you handle you will never see or hear from them again?

[snappafcw]

I know this has been covered before but I would like to approach it from a slightly different angle... .

I had a moment of clarity recently and realised part of the reason I have been depressed lately is because I've actually finally hit some acceptance. I'm not really wondering why she wont contact me I realize she is gone and she is never coming back. I now understand what the senior members mean when they say its like a death and I guess that's how I'm treating it now. For those of you who no longer have been recycled or who were left for good cold turkey I would love to hear a little more about your journeys.

I really miss being loved, having someone to care about me and feeling wanted. Some of these feelings are healthy but when they are a need to survive I understand there is some issues to be addressed. As much as I want all those things I don't miss the cruel stonewalling and indifference when my ex was triggered I hope to never go through this again.

[Century2012]

I totally know that pain. That is where my tears came pouring down the first few days.

I knew the relationship was not long-term for reasons outside the BPD. Actually did not get that was the problem until a few weeks. I just thought he is was an "ass" when he was drinking. When he was sober, he was very thoughtful and open with some of those feelings deep down inside.

I liked being his "touch stone."

[Oliolioxenfree]

To be honest I haven’t thought much about the prospect that Ill never see or talk to my BPDex ever again. But I think Im pretty much ok with it, because what did they really bring to my life that was positive?  At his hands I suffered extreme emotional trauma . The thing is do you care about your other exes and whether or not you ever see them again?  Im on good terms with pretty much all of my exes, some are friends others are not , but Id be ok if we saw eachother and hope the best for them and their happiness.  I think once you reach real indifference you wont care.  

I don’t dwell on whether or not I will ever see any of my exes because those chapters are closed and they are no longer a part of my future.

I suspect that while indifference may take significantly longer to reach after dating someone ith BPD due to the emotional trauma and suppressed childhood wounds they trigger, we will eventually reach indifference.  And then you wont care.

Here is one way to look at things that may help you release the anxiety of knowing they are gone forever (if you so choose to believe this)  I subscribe to many belief systems but this is an interesting perspective that I read on a board during my own breakup from my BPDexbf. (i hope this isnt against board regulations as it is NOT me preaching a religious belief - but more an interesting philosophical theory)

They say there are people in this life who are put there for the specific purpose of teaching you.  So on a different plane it was set in motion beforehand  and agreed upon that they would assume the karmic debt incurred by their actions in order to teach you that lesson.  The big lesson.  For many of us, relationships with a BPD have ripped off scabs of wounds so deep we didn’t know we had, and has become the catalyst for our own change and emotional growth to be better healthier people.   On a conscious level it’s a theory we cant even comprehend.  Someone Putting their own spiritual karma in debt for the love of us and helping us learn a major life lesson so we can grow and have better karma next time around.  If this is true (And I like to think in some ways it is... because we are conscious of our behavior), then we shouldn’t be sad when they leave us, but rather thankful they served their purpose and have now taken on the burden of that lesson as their karma... Their life will not be easy or get better really, but ours will be and they’ve helped us get there.   We can now freely disconnect from them, applying the lessons in our lives to wake us up to our own self esteem issues so that we can heal and finally be the best people we can and attract our future partners.

Again this is JUST a theory I read but it does offer some solace when you think that everything was for naught and you are in a dark place.  It helped me a lot to think that it was all done to help me.  It makes you feel a lot of pity and sadness for that soul who has taught you the lesson, because now they will have to deal with the repercussions. And I honestly wish my ex emotional peace and freedom from his disorder.  I hope he finds it.

[snappafcw]

Thanks for your replies... .Ive been out 10 months now. I'm just exhausted from thinking about it I don't want to anymore.

[Ironmanrises]

They don't just stop attempting to recycle you... .

If you have been successfully recycled before.

If you notice on these boards... .

People have had attempted recycles... .

Going on years... .

And the others... .

Just leave the relationship... .

And never attempt at a recycle.

Snap... .

You mentioned... .

She already tried to reach out to you... .

Once before... .

With that song request right... .?

That is an attempt... .

To test the waters... .

With you.

Don't be surprised... .

If further inbound... .

Attempts are made.

[fromheeltoheal]

My heart protested for a while, but my head never wavered; having absolutely nothing to do with her after all the abuse and other crap was absolutely the right thing to do.  Asking the question why my heart got so committed considering the reality of the relationship has been very beneficial in my own growth.  And now focusing on healthy boundaries, I'm not willing to make room in my life for anyone who treats me like that.  I wish her well, somewhere else.

[HarmKrakow]

The BPDer in your life has hurt you.

Then I look at the question;

How do you handle you will never see or hear from them again?

By normal sane standards I don't see an issue here. As in why would a sane healthy person miss something which has greatly hurt them in a way? Do you miss that one time you got hit by a bully in high school? Do you miss that one moment when you got rejected by a girlfriend at prom? Or got stood up by a girl you trying to flirt with in your 20s or 30s? Or your best friend who cheated on you? Is that a problem that you never see them again?

[happylogist]

In my case I feel that he shoot me, preferred me to be dead... .

I am in hell now, but I hope will be upgraded to heaven soon.

So, yes, since I am dead for him - I handle OK the prospect of never seeing or hearing from him again.

[mitchell16]

HarmKrkow, Thank you Im going to use that next time I start missing mine or thinking about never seeing her again. Your right, why would I miss a car wreck or miss a broken arm. Its crazy that we miss them and if we really thought about it and Im basing this on mine and others that I have read about on here. They were nothing but misery most of the time. But whats get me is how brainwashed I become to think that there was more good then bad and how I over looked all the bad behaviors just so I could enjoy a trip or a night out. I sure did alot of head turning to just to make it work. Its just blows my mind. I have never and I mean never tolerated bad behavior in anybody man or women, friend or a person i was in a relationship with and How I did with this one I just cant figure it out.

[HarmKrakow]

HarmKrkow, Thank you Im going to use that next time I start missing mine or thinking about never seeing her again. Your right, why would I miss a car wreck or miss a broken arm. Its crazy that we miss them and if we really thought about it and Im basing this on mine and others that I have read about on here. They were nothing but misery most of the time. But whats get me is how brainwashed I become to think that there was more good then bad and how I over looked all the bad behaviors just so I could enjoy a trip or a night out. I sure did alot of head turning to just to make it work. Its just blows my mind. I have never and I mean never tolerated bad behavior in anybody man or women, friend or a person i was in a relationship with and How I did with this one I just cant figure it out.

Life is sometimes very easy and sometimes very difficult. The moment a BPDer left your brain, it left a train wreck in there so it's not bad to think about what you miss and what you don't miss and that you might mix up a few things here and there (as in, what was love, and what wasn't... ).

And if we then take a look outside this box of junk called our brain and think, truly think. Why would we miss this train wreck? Why? There is no person on earth which misses harm done to them (ha, my name!) only if you are a true masochist.

Don't over-analyze the, why did I stay, why did I do this or that. She or he is gone. The head is a mess, but we were hurt. And we certainly don't miss that pain. You said it yourself, nobody misses the pain of the feeling of a broken arm. That be crazy!

[Slowlybutsurely]

One word to answer your question: H-A-P-P-I-L-Y

Or: JOYFULLY

Oh so happily and joyfully and bliss filled. I hope I never ever see her or hear from her again. Ever. This thought makes me Giddy with happiness! Elated.

I'm serious. But I'm almost two years NC, and it took a long time to get here.

 

[Accepting]

They say there are people in this life who are put there for the specific purpose of teaching you.  So on a different plane it was set in motion beforehand  and agreed upon that they would assume the karmic debt incurred by their actions in order to teach you that lesson.  The big lesson.  For many of us, relationships with a BPD have ripped off scabs of wounds so deep we didn’t know we had, and has become the catalyst for our own change and emotional growth to be better healthier people.   On a conscious level it’s a theory we cant even comprehend.  Someone Putting their own spiritual karma in debt for the love of us and helping us learn a major life lesson so we can grow and have better karma next time around.  If this is true (And I like to think in some ways it is... because we are conscious of our behavior), then we shouldn’t be sad when they leave us, but rather thankful they served their purpose and have now taken on the burden of that lesson as their karma... Their life will not be easy or get better really, but ours will be and they’ve helped us get there.   We can now freely disconnect from them, applying the lessons in our lives to wake us up to our own self esteem issues so that we can heal and finally be the best people we can and attract our future partners.

Again this is JUST a theory I read but it does offer some solace when you think that everything was for naught and you are in a dark place.  It helped me a lot to think that it was all done to help me.  It makes you feel a lot of pity and sadness for that soul who has taught you the lesson, because now they will have to deal with the repercussions. And I honestly wish my ex emotional peace and freedom from his disorder.  I hope he finds it.

I found this really interesting. It's a very 'everything happens for a reason - even when that reason seems so lost to you (at first/til down the track)' way of looking at things.

[laelle]

I think "Never" is a rather black and white statement.  Maybe you will, maybe you wont.  I think what is important is understanding your emotions that make you feel that life without this person would have such an impact on your life.  For now, settle on "Not right now" because I need to heal. Enjoy life and do not linger too much on always and never.  Life is full of surprises!  Work on knowing yourself better and you will be able to learn from your joys and your sorrows.

People enter and exit our lives every day... .lovers and friends.  Your relationship with your BPD partner was extra special. Take the opportunity to learn from your experience, and apply it to every future relationship.  You may not see this now, but she did you a favor... .

Since when is abuse love?  Do you value being wanted over the value of your self? (your sanity, respect, wants, needs)  Why is it that you give all and get nothing?  Did grow up in a family that felt sacrifice was necessary to be accepted or good enough?

I miss the good things about my ex, but he did not love me.  He does not have the ability to love past what I can do for him.  He loved that I did things for him, but he did not love me.  My wants and needs were not important unless it threatened something he wanted.  That is not love.

He is sick and he cant help it, but it does not change the fact that he can not give me what I need... .  I need a healthy and happy me.  He can not give that to me anymore than I can be what he needs.  We can only provide that to ourselves.

If I see him again I will give him a hug and ask him how he is doing.  I hope he is well.  I do not wish him any ill feelings.  I was part of that crazy relationship, and I have to take responsibility for my part in it too.  I learned from the past and I am growing from it.

I am great just the way I am... .  Even if I am a flea, I am a happy flea. 

 Laelle

[Century2012]

When I ended my relationship with the BPD, I told a friend that he was like a NASCAR driver who crashes into the wall. And I did not want to be the car that crashes behind it.

He truthfully said, "You already are."

So, I fixed my car and got OFF his race track. Peaceful country roads are much nicer.  

Goofy analogy. But you get it.

[MovingOnForLife]

One word to answer your question: H-A-P-P-I-L-Y

Or: JOYFULLY

Oh so happily and joyfully and bliss filled. I hope I never ever see her or hear from her again. Ever. This thought makes me Giddy with happiness! Elated.

I'm serious. But I'm almost two years NC, and it took a long time to get here.

 

I have two kids with my pwBPD so I can't go NC but once the divorce is final I plan on going LC - as low as possible. And I will feel exactly as slowlybutsurely. 

[laelle]

When I ended my relationship with the BPD, I told a friend that he was like a NASCAR driver who crashes into the wall. And I did not want to be the car that crashes behind it.

He truthfully said, "You already are."

So, I fixed my car and got OFF his race track. Peaceful country roads are much nicer.  

Goofy analogy. But you get it.

Yes, being off the roller coaster is AWESOME.  I am enjoying the peace and quiet. 

[HarmKrakow]

When I ended my relationship with the BPD, I told a friend that he was like a NASCAR driver who crashes into the wall. And I did not want to be the car that crashes behind it.

He truthfully said, "You already are."

So, I fixed my car and got OFF his race track. Peaceful country roads are much nicer.  

Goofy analogy. But you get it.

Yes, being off the roller coaster is AWESOME.  I am enjoying the peace and quiet. 

I don't enjoy the peace and quiet. I miss the drama I like a spicy life full of strange things happening. As long as I have control, as I did before my life with my pwBPD.

[goldylamont]

When I ended my relationship with the BPD, I told a friend that he was like a NASCAR driver who crashes into the wall. And I did not want to be the car that crashes behind it.

interesting, b/c i told a couple friends actually that i ended the r/s because i felt like we were on a bullet train heading straight for a brick wall. i felt exactly the same way. and, i think i jumped ship before we hit that wall, thank god for that. but, still i was bruised heavily by the fall... .and unfortunately i saw the terrible crash and aftermath. glad i wasn't on the train... .but still... .

also, right about now i truly wish i never had to see or here from my ex again. when we first started dating she only lived a couple blocks away from her ex, who "cheated on her" (yeah, right). after she move out of here and had two rocky r/s she moves in a couple houses down from me and broke NC after months... .now she's gaining a rep around the neighborhood. it's just annoying, but so far she's stopped parking in front of my house and i think she's ran out of friends of mine to tell lies to (i hope). so, right about now i only wish i'd never hear or see from her again, but moving in next to ex's may be a pattern for her... .

as far as the r/s is concerned, well, i had lots of good times in it. genuine good times. and there were more times than not the she was thoughtful and we worked well together. so, personally i feel like i have something worthy to miss, and i am glad for that. so there are times when i remember some nice things and truly wish i could respect this person... .but the reality i have to accept is different--she's just not worthy of any respect from me. many others feel like their whole r/s was a sham but i've never felt that way, that's just me though.

[Century2012]

HarmKrKow ... .

I get it. I LOVE, love, love roller coaster rides. At the amusement park. 

[HarmKrakow]

HarmKrKow ... .

I get it. I LOVE, love, love roller coaster rides. At the amusement park. 

I don't mind my life being a theme park. Just take rides when I want to, whenever I want to, but also keep my rest when I want to. I like the thrills. I see no problem in this

As long as I have control. I like a bit of crazyness, but when I say enough is enough, i want to be able to pull out at any time I want 2

I don't like to be the single one, living a big home, on my own, outside the curtains, watching other families be happy and then go back on the internet and whine about my miserable social life :P

[oblivian2013]

I have no choice. She filed and won a protection order against me, no contact for two years. We are going through a divorce. My lawyer says that the order will most likely be removed as part of the settlement - I am and never was a threat.

She gave me the silent treatment several times during our short 3 year marriage. So, I am kind of used to NC by now. It has been three months and there have been good days and bad days. I still miss her, or the person I loved. I fantasize that this is just a bad dream. I have found that forgiveness, of both her and myself, dramatically helps me to handle it. Its the Tao, don't fight it.

How else am I going to handle it? By working on my issues, going to therapy, getting out more, and hopefully finding someone more compatible to capture my attention.

[dansure]

In my case we are both international students at a university and we are going to graduate by next year. Then we'll go back to our respective home countries and will probably really never see each other again.

I have been trying to contact her a couple of times but it would always end in her either being scared of me or talking normally to me but devaluing our entire relationship.

Right now I am struggling to contact her or not. But I think no good will come from calling or texting her so I am holding myself back. 

[Reg]

In my case, I'm very happy with that.  She is out of my life and that is just where she belongs.  Her life is nothing but drama upon drama, so glad to have a normal life back !

No attention seeking, no drama, no hurt, no toxic behavior, hell, this is heaven ! 

[dansure]

In my case, I'm very happy with that.  She is out of my life and that is just where she belongs.  Her life is nothing but drama upon drama, so glad to have a normal life back !

No attention seeking, no drama, no hurt, no toxic behavior, hell, this is heaven ! 

Actually when I see your post and when I am honest to myself there is not much I should miss either.

At the end of the relationship I let me own needs go because I was always scared that expressing my needs would lead to to another break up.

I wanted things to become like in the honeymoon period but it actually only got worse and worse.

[houseofswans]

Actually when I see your post and when I am honest to myself there is not much I should miss either.

At the end of the relationship I let me own needs go because I was always scared that expressing my needs would lead to to another break up.

I wanted things to become like in the honeymoon period but it actually only got worse and worse.

How very true, my friend 

[peas]

I hope to get to a place where I never hearing from him is not an issue. But now, four months broken up and three months mutual NC, I am still waiting for him.

[HarmKrakow]

I hope to get to a place where I never hearing from him is not an issue. But now, four months broken up and three months mutual NC, I am still waiting for him.

I hope to get to a place where hearing from her is not an issue anymore