How do you find the"love" you felt

[Waifed]

How do you find the "love" you felt with your BPDex?  I told my therapist that I longed for that feeling of love that I felt for my ex and asked him if I would ever experience it again.  He said NO!  He said I was experiencing the feelings of a 3 year old and that if it seems to good to be true it probably is... .  This makes me so sad.  Thoughts?

[momtara]

I don't think it's all that bleak.  Of course you may fall madly in love again.  It hopefully won't be fraught with so much pain!  Yes, the depseration sometimes adds to the intense feelings, but I do believe that true love, and intense love, is possible to find.  Sometimes it takes a while.

If I meet someone and fall in love, I am going to give them everything I have. 

[Waifed]

I don't think it's all that bleak.  Of course you may fall madly in love again.  It hopefully won't be fraught with so much pain!  Yes, the depseration sometimes adds to the intense feelings, but I do believe that true love, and intense love, is possible to find.  Sometimes it takes a while.

If I meet someone and fall in love, I am going to give them everything I have. 

Funny that you say this.  I told myself the same thing after my 14 year marriage ended and I met my exBPDgf.  For the first time in my life I went all in.  Talk about bad timing. ... .  I have no regrets and will do the same thing again (Assuming I ever date again!)

[blurry]

 What if we spend the rest of our lives alone?

I was thinking, leading up to our last breakup, is it worth walking on eggshells, holding feelings in, waiting to get abandoned inevitably, just for one good week a month? That was kinda my thought process last time I called my psycho out on her behavior.

How good is a relationship if you're only happy 25 pct of the time? Isn't being alone better? All I know is that I'm not putting 110pct into a relationship and getting treated like meaningless dirt 75pct of the time. I can't even if I wanted to.

If it means being alone, then so be it. Gotta remember there are people out there who are actually totally happily married or in committed relationships who lose there loved ones for various reasons, car accidents, cancer ect. All were losing is a mentally disturbed partner who treats us like dirt more often than not.

I'm hurt and want to be with my pwBPD, but I just don't see how it'll work. So reality of it, maybe being alone or finding someone where the spark is only 75pct of what I had with my ex, but having trust again, being treated with consideration and respect, maybe that's a fair trade-off?

Hah, had a lot of percentages in that response, .,

[Emelie Emelie]

Glad he's not my therapist!  I think there's definitely something about the BPD dynamic that makes the relationship uniquely intense.  And sometimes I think part of me will yearn for my xBPDbf forever.  And maybe I will.  But when we're in the midst of mourning our BPD relationships our perspective might be a little off.  Who is to say we won't find a different, healthier relationship and love more satisfying at some point?    Blurry I think you're right.  I would definitely take 75% of the spark in exchange for trust, respect and consideration. 

[Lady31]

BLURRY!  Right on!

I went on a wellness/health retreat recently and met and talked at length with a really cool older lady.  I'm 33, conservative/republican from Texas - she is 70, liberal/democrat from Illinois.

You can imagine all of the different opinions flying in our lovely chats  , but she told me something that really hit home.

We got to talking on a more personal level and I told her some of my experiences with my (recent) exH.  She told me about a guy she dated for a couple years (right before she met her WONDERFUL husband - there is hope!) that treated her similarly.  She said how hard it was to get away from him.  That she tried to leave him a few times before it finally "stuck". 

She looked me dead in the eyes and said, "You know, I finally thought - I'd rather be lonely than married to you!"

It really is that simple.  Loneliness is better than abuse.

So I have a new mantra and I finally met a democrat I really like! JOKE.  Well, not the liking her part, thanks "B" - love you BUNCHES!

[Clearmind]

How do you find the "love" you felt with your BPDex? By accepting that that love sort of love is fantasy based and not at all sustainable.

[musicfan42]

Glad he's not my therapist! 

Waifed's therapist just sounds honest... telling it as it is. I would definitely want a therapist like that. It's not what you want to hear waifed but it's just the truth.

[marbleloser]

I found even better,so I wouldn't say it isn't possible. What if you found someone as giving,appreciative,loving,affectionate,loves spending time with you,while at the same time can be trusted,is honest,works hard,is completely open and understanding,(smells great),is confident,(smells great),understands you have a life outside of them?

Speaking for myself,you truly appreciate them and know a good thing when it's standing in front of you.(and they smell great)

It IS out there.I would have never thought so almost two years ago.

[DragoN]

^^^ smells great? That's important 

"You know, I finally thought - I'd rather be lonely than married to you!"

Word!

First time I left my SO, he could not believe that I would leave to be alone. He simply could not register that. Same thing again.

Alone is not lonely. Lonely is being in a crappy BPD marriage. 

[Escaped 30.Sept.2013]

How do you find the "love" you felt with your BPDex?  I told my therapist that I longed for that feeling of love that I felt for my ex and asked him if I would ever experience it again.  He said NO!  He said I was experiencing the feelings of a 3 year old and that if it seems to good to be true it probably is... .  This makes me so sad.  Thoughts?

I had a similar discussion with my T, and it made me feel terribly sad and alone.

The good news is - as you keep on with the therapy, the notion feels less sad, and you feel less alone.

So stick with it, because it starts seeming like an ok idea.

I'm told by those further down the path that in time it will feel like a brilliant thing. Just now it feels ok, that's good enough for me.

[Ironmanrises]

How do you find the "love" you felt with your BPDex?  I told my therapist that I longed for that feeling of love that I felt for my ex and asked him if I would ever experience it again.  He said NO!  He said I was experiencing the feelings of a 3 year old and that if it seems to good to be true it probably is... .  This makes me so sad.  Thoughts?

In bold.

There is no easy answer to that question.

See... .

If i were to encounter... .

That kind of love... .

Again... .

I need... .

But... .

Look at the mangled remnants... .

Of my ironman suit... .

And link... .

The two... .

Together... .

To determine... .

That... .

That kind of love... .

Has a huge price.

I dont want that kind of love... .

Again.

[Turkish]

How do you find the "love" you felt with your BPDex? 

This doesn't help you any... .but my opinion about myself is that looking back is that I was never "in love" with mine. I only felt like that sporadically because it was only about three week periods before some incident of emotional or verbal abuse (or depression). It was draining. I know after a few years (took her almost two years with me to emotionally detach from the ex she was still "in love" with which was over almost two years before she was with me!) that she was "in love" with me, at least to the extent she was capable. I knew there was something wrong all along, but stupidly kept expecting things to get better year after year... .kid after kid :^(

Anyone else here like this, or am I the only stupid, arrogant one who stayed with someone... .to this day, I don't know why?

[Ironmanrises]

Turkish... .

I let my exUBPDgf... .

Back into my life... .

Knowing... .

About her BPD... .

After she left me... .

The first time.

Knowing... .

She was going to leave me again.

I think that would... .

Qualify me as... .

Stupid and arrogant... .

Too.

However... .

I try and and see it as... .

I did not love myself enough... .

To tell her... .

When she returned... .

"No... .You are no longer welcome in my world... ."

I blinded myself... .

With this love... .

I felt for her.

Knowing full well... .

That my destruction... .

Was predetermined.

Hang in there.

[Turkish]

Turkish... .

I let my exUBPDgf... .

Back into my life... .

Knowing... .

About her BPD... .

After she left me... .

The first time.

Knowing... .

She was going to leave me again.

I think that would... .

Qualify me as... .

Stupid and arrogant... .

Too.

However... .

I try and and see it as... .

I did not love myself enough... .

To tell her... .

When she returned... .

"No... .You are no longer welcome in my world... ."

I blinded myself... .

With this love... .

I felt for her.

Knowing full well... .

That my destruction... .

Was predetermined.

Hang in there.

Thanks, Ironmanfalls. I think what helped me tell her it was over, after her comments about "what if the love doesn't come back?" and "what if this happens again in three years?" To me, meant YES, which is why at that point, I said, "it isn't just your choice, it's mine, too. So you need to leave. It's over."

But I think I would have only had that strength and insight now (instead of later, where I was letting her have her big cheating tantrum, and giving her space to work it out), because I had already been reading this site for a few weeks. Thanks to you all... .

[bpdspell]

How do you find the "love" you felt with your BPDex?  I told my therapist that I longed for that feeling of love that I felt for my ex and asked him if I would ever experience it again.  He said NO!  He said I was experiencing the feelings of a 3 year old and that if it seems to good to be true it probably is... . This makes me so sad.  Thoughts?

I think it's important to note that our painful experiences with our ex's signifies that there's something inside of us that needs to be worked on and healed. The electricity we felt with our toxic ex's is a signifier that something inside of us needs major improvement.

There is a major difference between passion and the toxic bond that comes with the BPD dance.

And I don't know about you but I never want to be attracted to the empty soulless vessel that was my ex. Like Clearmind stated... .the electricity is fantasy based unsustainable idealization.  

Of course you will find love again. But the next time around it hopefully be love beyond the mask.

With self work you will be a new and improved version of yourself. You'll love yourself more. You'll value yourself more. You won't have the same expectations of someone else making you feel "lovable." With self work your mirror will change. Sounds cliche but is spot on with truth.

When you change the way you look at things the things you look at change.

Spell

[houseofswans]

With self work you will be a new and improved version of yourself. You'll love yourself more. You'll value yourself more. You won't have the same expectations of someone else making you feel "lovable." With self work your mirror will change. Sounds cliche but is spot on with truth.

When you change the way you look at things the things you look at change.

Spell

Exactly, and that it what I'm starting to work on with guided meditations and positive thinking... .

[HarmKrakow]

How do you find the "love" you felt with your BPDex?  I told my therapist that I longed for that feeling of love that I felt for my ex and asked him if I would ever experience it again.  He said NO!  He said I was experiencing the feelings of a 3 year old and that if it seems to good to be true it probably is... .  This makes me so sad.  Thoughts?

Your therapist was right.

Is that a problem? No. Why does it make you sad? You rather have 2 weeks of one week the best in the world and 1 week the worst in the world than 2 weeks of calm and mediocrity?

[emotionaholic]

How do you find the "love" you felt?  I like to think you already have.  I have been thinking alot about mirroring and have come to the conclusion for me that the love I felt was the love I gave.  The love I felt from my ex was simply my love reflecting back to me.  So will I ever feel that love again.  Definatly!  Next time, fingers crossed, it will be with a more stable capable partner where my love is absorbed and appreciated rather than mimicked.

Mirror mirror on the wall who is the fairest of them all.  Certainly not the mirror.

[Turkish]

How do you find the "love" you felt?  I like to think you already have.  I have been thinking alot about mirroring and have come to the conclusion for me that the love I felt was the love I gave.  The love I felt from my ex was simply my love reflecting back to me.  So will I ever feel that love again.  Definatly!  Next time, fingers crossed, it will be with a more stable capable partner where my love is absorbed and appreciated rather than mimicked.

Mirror mirror on the wall who is the fairest of them all.  Certainly not the mirror.

Oh, this is horrible, but based on this and similar comments, I think this is true. Aside from the depressions and emotional dysregulation, She did mirror and was the person she thought I wanted. How much of the loving was real? When I was stressed out and the affection from me decreased, so did it, too, from her. She did try, in her own way, but I was fed up with her mistreatment of me. She said it was because I cut off affection (and exaggeration... .she just wanted me to go all "teen romance", despite two kids, both working full time, mortgage, etc... .an ADULT relationship). So in the end, she mirrored that. And ran off into the arms of a kid, basically, who is probably emotionally a teenager, if that, but he gave her all of the lovey-dovey BS. She she mirrored him... .even to the point of investigating foster care disorders (she told me he was from there, uh, me, too, but I am not disordered), and then telling me one night that she thought she had some kind of attachment syndrome... .which I saw from the browser history, she had been investigating with regard to foster care! Weird, and kind of sick... .and sad. Wth, is mirroring all they can really do? Where is the real person? I know it's in there somewhere, just horribly fragmented (split).

[HarmKrakow]

How do you find the "love" you felt?  I like to think you already have.  I have been thinking alot about mirroring and have come to the conclusion for me that the love I felt was the love I gave.  The love I felt from my ex was simply my love reflecting back to me.  So will I ever feel that love again.  Definatly!  Next time, fingers crossed, it will be with a more stable capable partner where my love is absorbed and appreciated rather than mimicked.

Mirror mirror on the wall who is the fairest of them all.  Certainly not the mirror.

Oh, this is horrible, but based on this and similar comments, I think this is true. Aside from the depressions and emotional dysregulation, She did mirror and was the person she thought I wanted. How much of the loving was real? When I was stressed out and the affection from me decreased, so did it, too, from her. She did try, in her own way, but I was fed up with her mistreatment of me. She said it was because I cut off affection (and exaggeration... .she just wanted me to go all "teen romance", despite two kids, both working full time, mortgage, etc... .an ADULT relationship). So in the end, she mirrored that. And ran off into the arms of a kid, basically, who is probably emotionally a teenager, if that, but he gave her all of the lovey-dovey BS. She she mirrored him... .even to the point of investigating foster care disorders (she told me he was from there, uh, me, too, but I am not disordered), and then telling me one night that she thought she had some kind of attachment syndrome... .which I saw from the browser history, she had been investigating with regard to foster care! Weird, and kind of sick... .and sad. Wth, is mirroring all they can really do? Where is the real person? I know it's in there somewhere, just horribly fragmented (split).

Isn't that funny? I mean what you said here was a mystery deep inside my relationship with the BPD ex. I wondered, wth is going on why is the affection/love declining? But that was always after I had a stress full period, and more tired, and therefore gave her less. And I received less in return ?...

Why? The mirror :D

[Clearmind]

What made it all so wonderful was that we mirrored each other and idealized one another. Borderlines are not the only ones that mirror.

[Aussie0zborn]

How do you find the "love" you felt with your BPDex?  I told my therapist that I longed for that feeling of love that I felt for my ex and asked him if I would ever experience it again.  He said NO! ... .

I am going to agree with your therapist. How does a heroin addict find that hit without heroin? They dont.

What I am looking forward to is knowing I will meet someone someday that is genuine, can receive love without guilt and reciprocate. ie: a normal healthy person and with my experience I will be able to identify the right person.

If you think of the price you paid for your BPD hit, you will be in dreamland when you have a normal healthy relationship without the BPD giref. Do you really need that BPD high? It's not real and I dont miss it and I dont want it again. I want whats real.

[DownandOut]

A lot of the pain we feel is a result of how much emotion and love and effort we put in to the relationship only for it to be reciprocated by abuse. If we can find someone that puts forth that same emotion, love and effort into the relationship we will all be fulfilled. I know there's people out there like that every time I look in the mirror and read the comments on these threads! Loving deserves love!

[Waifed]

BLURRY!  Right on!

I went on a wellness/health retreat recently and met and talked at length with a really cool older lady.  I'm 33, conservative/republican from Texas - she is 70, liberal/democrat from Illinois.

You can imagine all of the different opinions flying in our lovely chats  , but she told me something that really hit home.

We got to talking on a more personal level and I told her some of my experiences with my (recent) exH.  She told me about a guy she dated for a couple years (right before she met her WONDERFUL husband - there is hope!) that treated her similarly.  She said how hard it was to get away from him.  That she tried to leave him a few times before it finally "stuck". 

She looked me dead in the eyes and said, "You know, I finally thought - I'd rather be lonely than married to you!"

It really is that simple.  Loneliness is better than abuse.

So I have a new mantra and I finally met a democrat I really like! JOKE.  Well, not the liking her part, thanks "B" - love you BUNCHES!

I'm a conservative/republican from Texas too

[Waifed]

Glad he's not my therapist! 

Waifed's therapist just sounds honest... telling it as it is. I would definitely want a therapist like that. It's not what you want to hear waifed but it's just the truth.

Thanks... .I really like my therapist a lot.  The truth hurts but that is what I pay him for!  I hope I will be able to look back and smile at all of this at some point.  It is still a daily living hell right now.  I can not get over the feeling of wanting to help her get into therapy.  It is pointless I know, especially since she got the police involved when I mentioned it to her.  Once I get over this I think I will be able to move forward.

[Waifed]

How do you find the "love" you felt with your BPDex?  I told my therapist that I longed for that feeling of love that I felt for my ex and asked him if I would ever experience it again.  He said NO!  He said I was experiencing the feelings of a 3 year old and that if it seems to good to be true it probably is... .  This makes me so sad.  Thoughts?

In bold.

There is no easy answer to that question.

See... .

If i were to encounter... .

That kind of love... .

Again... .

I need... .

But... .

Look at the mangled remnants... .

Of my ironman suit... .

And link... .

The two... .

Together... .

To determine... .

That... .

That kind of love... .

Has a huge price.

I dont want that kind of love... .

Again.

It is kind of a Catch 22 isn't it?  I guess the real ironic thing is that it is probably not love that I am feeling even though it is so deep inside of me.  It takes two to make it love.  Maybe the part time love was what hurts and makes it feel like deep love.

[Waifed]

How do you find the "love" you felt with your BPDex? 

This doesn't help you any... .but my opinion about myself is that looking back is that I was never "in love" with mine. I only felt like that sporadically because it was only about three week periods before some incident of emotional or verbal abuse (or depression). It was draining. I know after a few years (took her almost two years with me to emotionally detach from the ex she was still "in love" with which was over almost two years before she was with me!) that she was "in love" with me, at least to the extent she was capable. I knew there was something wrong all along, but stupidly kept expecting things to get better year after year... .kid after kid :^(

Anyone else here like this, or am I the only stupid, arrogant one who stayed with someone... .to this day, I don't know why?

You are definitely not the only one.  My famous line to her about every three weeks was "I just keep thinking you will come around".  Unfortunately little did I know at the time that was never even a possibility. 

Looking back at things I was a fool.  How would I not snap to the fact that she had to follow me to the kitchen every time I got a drink or demand that I shower and bathe with her EVERY time!  Hell, I couldn't even face away from her in bed.  Talk about fear of abandonment!

[hopealways]

You were seduced, you were not shown love.  But in response to the seduction you showed all the love you had, expecting to receive love back.  You did not receive it back because they are not capable of showing love.  What you felt was an illusion, your own fantasy and when it was over you felt disappointed, betrayed, and many other feelings.

Love with a normal person is around the corner, and after what you have gone through with the BPD, and if you have properly healed, it will feel like no other love you have ever felt.  Good luck my friend : )

[Waifed]

You were seduced, you were not shown love.  But in response to the seduction you showed all the love you had, expecting to receive love back.  You did not receive it back because they are not capable of showing love.  What you felt was an illusion, your own fantasy and when it was over you felt disappointed, betrayed, and many other feelings.

Love with a normal person is around the corner, and after what you have gone through with the BPD, and if you have properly healed, it will feel like no other love you have ever felt.  Good luck my friend : )

Thanks for the encouraging words