Four red marks on his back - what to do?

[connect]

Hi guys,

Am all over the show today. My bf was out all day yesterday at a games thing at his friends house. He came home and was acting slightly strange (hard to put my finger on it) but was being more attentive/talkative/nicer. We had a great chat and I spoke to him lots about my feelings for him and the changes I am going through personally via this r/s. He told me he can feel his therapy is working and he is finding himself, handling his emotions better as well as trying to see things from other peoples perspective.

We went to bed and when he took his t-shirt off he had four red marks on his back like scratches. Two long ones on his backbone and a smaller one on each side. I made him look in the mirror to show him how bad they were. He didn’t know they were there and said he could only think they came from his friend trying to lift him up in a bear hug.

He could tell I was agitated and tried to re-assure me (unusual in itself but something I have asked him for in the past) and wanted to have sex which I declined (first time I have done this) There were a few other odd things too. Of course my mind started racing. Couldnt doze off and am at work on an hour and a halfs sleep. Last night and this morning he offered to call his friend and his friends wife in front of me to prove he was with him for the whole time.

He didn’t dysregulate last night but was getting edgy this morning saying I am wearing him down with my accusations but he didn’t get wound up (so far).

Am I nuts for worrying about this? Last night it felt a very real threat– this morning they have faded more and in the light of day I wonder if I had too strong a G&T and an overactive imagination. Last night I was beside myself but decided to think on it before speaking to him further.

Am going to talk to him tonight about it. Dont know if I am on a mission to find out more or if I owe him an apology for questioning him. I don’t know how to approach this conversation at all. Any help would be really gratefully received before I speak to him. Don't know up from down today.

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[connect]

As the day goes on I am thinking that the scratches do not really match the kind of pattern you would get from sex... .but they sure as h*ll are weird and also his nails are bitten to the quick so I fail to see how he could have done it himself.

I am also JUST starting to tell a few people about my background of sexual abuse. I really dont think this helps me in these kind of situations. I believed at a young age that men could not be trusted sexually - this seems to have been carried on into my adult life. i have told my BPDbf this.

I have not been triggered anywhere near this extent before by previous b/f's - I have been lucky. I didnt realise the extent of my misstrust of men (I sound all BPD here) until I entered this r/s.  I am being triggered a lot.

So now I ask myself how much of this do I own? How many feelings from last night were justified and how many were from my own past history?

[wishfulthinking]

I have dealt with this, too.  Mine is a contractor and so has a lot of leeway to do what he wants during the day for his job instead of being at a regular job where his whereabouts are concrete.  He has twice had odd scratches/marks on him and he swears once was the shower poofy thing scratched him where the rope attaches(that one was a real scratch, like a thin mark that bled) and the other time he said he had no clue, but I got to thinking maybe his skin was dry and he just scratched himself too hard... .I've done that before (those marks were like long and red under the skin blood, did not break through)... .I was uneasy, too, considering mine has a past before he met me of cheating and being a general dog.  All I can do is trust but be careful and wary.  I have no proof so I let it go, but it's not forgotten, just in storage in my brain.

[connect]

Thank you - that helps 

[Vindi]

wow, this is a tough one, and yes, trust is a huge part of any relationship.

don't apoligise for questioning him, its a subject with him having scratches on his back, that is a normal question to wonder.

Just see how he acts in the next few days, and i see that he is going to therapy, that is great. Does he think he has BPD or just other issues?

[Cloudy Days]

Well, all I have to say is that I had a fight with my husband about this very thing. However it was me who had marks on my back that looked like scratches. I have no idea what it was, but it wasn't a scratch. That didn't stop my husband from blowing up at me and it being an all day thing. This was actually when I first met him before I knew about BPD. I must also add that I have seen marks on my husbands back that clearly looked like scratches before but I was with him all day and I knew that they weren't. So it is possible they aren't scratches.

[Grey Kitty]

Wow, that is/was a tough day for you. Glad to hear you are feeling at least a little better.

Unless I'm confusing your story with another, I remember him going off for a week-long vacation with an ex of his, which was hugely traumatic for you, and didn't work out very well for him either.

What I don't recall in that story was him effectively hiding what he was going to do. I'm guessing he denied it, but it wasn't like he was carrying on a hidden affair. Does he even have a history of doing things like that?

Many people get scratches or bruises and don't remember exactly how they got them. So his statement is plausible.

My advice is to do your best to let it go, take care of yourself, and work on healing your own issues.

If your bf really is cheating, there will be more signs.

If your bf isn't cheating, continuing to accuse/badger him will be invalidating and make things much worse.

But I do agree with Vindi--Nothing good will come from apologizing for questioning him.

 GK

[connect]

Hi guys,

Thanks so much for the replies - means a lot!

Vindi you asked:

Does he think he has BPD or just other issues?

He has been diagnosed previousley with depression and anxiety. He has been seeing a psychiatrist for about a month now and if he has had a diagnosis he is yet to tell me - I havent asked. He did ask me last week if I felt that I was "walking on eggshells" around him (I said yes sometimes) and he has used words such as "triggers" - his T has said he may see reality in a different way then a lot of people so I wonder if they have discussed BPD. Do you think the psyciatrist will give my bf an official diagnosis of something? Is that what they do - tell the patient what they think they have?

don't apoligise for questioning him

I totally agree with this and I havent apologised for asking. I have however owned up to my side of the street ref my trust issues around men but DIDNT apologise as it is a reasonable question.

GreyKitty - yes you are right about the holiday he took with his friend (his ex) He has a history of being inappropriately close with women and opening up to them right away blah blah etc etc so yes my trust issues are extreamely triggered by him.

Anyway my update is that I got a night of horrible dysregulation. Mean things said to me - the usual. Not raging but a quiet consistant pulling me down. Kept asking me to explain why I didnt trust him (in light of my question) and when I tried to speak he told me he didnt want to know - then beratted me for not telling him anything!

He said a few things that worried me on that night. One was:

"I will say something that will make this easy for you... ." and

"I will tell you something... .no I won't - I can't tell you anything - I will tell you nothing"

Of course I wonder what nuggets of information he was going to divulge to me and then thought better of it. Could have been anything though in reality - he really wanted to emotionally hurt me that night. I didnt engage in the dysregulation but it was very tough and gave me a 24hr headache from the tension of not engaging that evening.

The next night he went to bed at 8pm and slept for 12 hours and then some more the next day.

Last night we saw each other and he was fine - almost as though nothing had happened.

This bout of dysregulation after a long good period was caused, I believe, by three things:

1) He had to have his beloved cat put to sleep a week ago.

2) I asked him to meet one of my female friends for a cup of tea on Saturday and he became very agitated and angry about this. He refused to go. Said I was manipulative and hijaking his day and just showing off I had a younger b/f to my friend so I looked better in her eyes!

3) I asked him where he got the marks from.

So that's my update - I was very conscious this time of how powerful the drive in me is to make things get back to normal. All consuming. Some of this is because he also said when dysregulated that if someone is accused of cheating all the time (I dont actually do this!) then how long will it be before that person just decides to do it anyway. I understand the logic as I have been on the other end of that myself - but it felt very much like a threat ":)ont say anything on this subject or I will do it" Also with his tendancy to small acts of revenge I was not keen on him being dysregulated on this subject.

Sometimes I seem to forget things I have learnt on here. Some situations like dysregulation I can cope with better on different days. About a month ago I was coping much better with this stuff and even enforced a leaving the house boundary a few times. This time I felt panicked, hopeless, unfair and on the defensive - convinced he was going to end the r/s. I do have some stress in other areas of my life so perhaps thats me feeling vulnerable.

I have booked a CBT therapist for a few sessions starting tomorrow to sort my head out a bit and gain some clairity as to why I emotionally collapsed so much on this dysregulation.

[dagwood]

I have dealt with this, too.  Mine is a contractor and so has a lot of leeway to do what he wants during the day for his job instead of being at a regular job where his whereabouts are concrete.  He has twice had odd scratches/marks on him and he swears once was the shower poofy thing scratched him where the rope attaches(that one was a real scratch, like a thin mark that bled) and the other time he said he had no clue, but I got to thinking maybe his skin was dry and he just scratched himself too hard... .I've done that before (those marks were like long and red under the skin blood, did not break through)... .I was uneasy, too, considering mine has a past before he met me of cheating and being a general dog.  All I can do is trust but be careful and wary.  I have no proof so I let it go, but it's not forgotten, just in storage in my brain.

I understand your suspicions, but how long can you stay in a relationship with someone that you feel you can't trust? Have you discussed these scratches with him?

[dagwood]

I have dealt with this, too.  Mine is a contractor and so has a lot of leeway to do what he wants during the day for his job instead of being at a regular job where his whereabouts are concrete.  He has twice had odd scratches/marks on him and he swears once was the shower poofy thing scratched him where the rope attaches(that one was a real scratch, like a thin mark that bled) and the other time he said he had no clue, but I got to thinking maybe his skin was dry and he just scratched himself too hard... .I've done that before (those marks were like long and red under the skin blood, did not break through)... .I was uneasy, too, considering mine has a past before he met me of cheating and being a general dog.  All I can do is trust but be careful and wary.  I have no proof so I let it go, but it's not forgotten, just in storage in my brain.

I understand your suspicions, but how long can you stay in a relationship with someone that you feel you can't trust? Have you discussed these scratches with him?

sorry, this response was for Connect

[Grey Kitty]

He did ask me last week if I felt that I was "walking on eggshells" around him (I said yes sometimes) and he has used words such as "triggers" - his T has said he may see reality in a different way then a lot of people so I wonder if they have discussed BPD. Do you think the psyciatrist will give my bf an official diagnosis of something? Is that what they do - tell the patient what they think they have?

From what I've read, it is common for a T not to mention a BPD diagnosis. But it can go either way. My recommendation is to let that go, and pay attention to something else:

His T is giving him pieces of a useful framework for understanding his disorder. Sounds like progress to me.

He said a few things that worried me on that night. One was:

"I will say something that will make this easy for you... ." and

"I will tell you something... .no I won't - I can't tell you anything - I will tell you nothing"

Of course I wonder what nuggets of information he was going to divulge to me and then thought better of it. Could have been anything though in reality - he really wanted to emotionally hurt me that night. I didnt engage in the dysregulation but it was very tough and gave me a 24hr headache from the tension of not engaging that evening.

Leaving you waiting for the other shoe to drop is tough. Dunno if it was him fighting an internal battle out loud, or wanting to give you the suspense. Icky for you either way, especially with your current fears!

This bout of dysregulation after a long good period was caused, I believe, by three things:

1) He had to have his beloved cat put to sleep a week ago.

2) I asked him to meet one of my female friends for a cup of tea on Saturday and he became very agitated and angry about this. He refused to go. Said I was manipulative and hijaking his day and just showing off I had a younger b/f to my friend so I looked better in her eyes!

3) I asked him where he got the marks from.

Item #2 was different. Asking him to meet one of your friends wouldn't be stressful for a normal person, unlike the other two. The only part of that which was stressful was the dysregulated crisis he invented over it! Then like the other items, that stress did impact him... .after he created it.

So item #2 sounds like it was could have been a warning of his mental/emotional state.

So that's my update - I was very conscious this time of how powerful the drive in me is to make things get back to normal. All consuming.

Good to recognize that in yourself! Now you can start to change it if it is getting you in trouble!

Sometimes I seem to forget things I have learnt on here. Some situations like dysregulation I can cope with better on different days. About a month ago I was coping much better with this stuff and even enforced a leaving the house boundary a few times. This time I felt panicked, hopeless, unfair and on the defensive - convinced he was going to end the r/s. I do have some stress in other areas of my life so perhaps thats me feeling vulnerable...

That is normal--EVERYBODY has better days and worse days. You do your best in both cases, but one is better than the other.

I'm really glad you are going to see a T! Taking good care of connect is a wonderful priority right now!

 GK

[allibaba]

Connect don't know if it helps but my husband gets random marks and scratches all the time.   

One thing that I am quite confident about is that he isn't and hasn't cheated on me. 

His NPD ex-wife used to go mental on him all the time about scratches that he would get at the gym and accuse his of being involved in a kinky sexual escapade.  Unfortunately in that relationship my husband wasn't the controlling one, she was.  He used to have to leave work early and basically sneak over to his brother's to see their new baby (it was his family that told me about this) because his ex-wife wouldn't permit him to go anywhere without her or do anything without her.  Oh the irony

[connect]

Thanks as ever for the replies - so kind!

Only have five minutes but wanted to post... .

Just got back from my cbt guy. Seen him once before and he is brillliant but this time... .oh dear.

He was on painkillers from dental work the day before and I was agitated in myself but very optimistic about the session. When I mentioned the scratches (which I have been trying to calm myself over) the T said that it sounds as though he did get them from sex! He saw how this set me back and tried to come back from it by saying "well we really dont know it could be innocent" but I was in my own rabbit hole by then! Came out feeling worse then when I went in.  :'(

[MaybeSo]

The core issue is that the T doesn't really know. You don't really know. We don't really know.

It could be he was with someone.

It could be nothing.

Sometimes we have to learn to stay with not knowing.

I'm pretty intuitive. I generally know if my partner has 'been' with someone, scratches or not. People generally act different when hiding loaded information. I can tell when my ex met someone, sex doesn't even have to be part of it.

We can focus on each possible event of infidelity and drive ourselves nuts.

Or, bring it home to yourself, the only person you have any control over.

I'm with a person right now I don't trust. I'm choosing this. I have other choices I can excercise at anytime. Other people aren't responsible for my choices or my feelings. I am. It's my responsibility to make wise choices for myself and to manage the consequences of my

choices. It's my job to pay attention to what people do or say because they are showing you who they are all the time, both their strengths and their weaknesses. He has shown you he has some issues with fidelity. It's not a mystery. You are choosing this. When a person with fidelity issues comes home with scratches on his back, it is bringing up what you already know, that he has fidelity issues ( goes on vacation with ex gf, etc.) he may or may not have done anything at all this time, but he does have issues in this area and you are choosing to stay knowing that. Get in touch with what you do know and own your choices. Stay away from frantic emotions about details or individual events you have no control over. Focus on what you do have control over: your own choices and your own emotions.

Otherwise, you will freak out over any sign of him doing what you know he is capable of doing, and will torment him even on occasions when he's not done anything.

You already chose to stay in a r/s where you don't trust him being faithful. Own your choice .

If an infidelity would be emotionally devestating, so much so that the possibility makes you feel sick or frantic,  maybe it's not a wise choice to be with him (?) You have to trust yourself that you are making choices you can manage and that work for you. If you can't trust yourself, people will keep mirroring that back to you.

Do you trust yourself?

Do you trust your ability to emotionally and practically manage an infidelity if it were to occur? (Managing it has nothing to do with liking it or agreeing with it).

If you trust yourself, I think you will feel more grounded when these things come up

[connect]

Hi guys,

Not posted for ages as been dealing with lots of dysregulation and also sorting out some of my own stuff.

Update:

Last night was the first night he managed to get back on track and also we (finally) had sex and a nice morning.

Previousley over the last week and a half - Lots of dysregulation and some withdrawal. He went on a sex strike for 12 days saying his emotions meant he couldnt have sex as they were linked to sex so much (fair enough) and "If I have sex with you then I will become close to you again and you can hurt me"

On the day he spoke to his T he was very bouyant that evening and back to normal. We had a great chat about communication etc and cuddled and laughed. He did the T appt by phone and he had his workmate with him when he did it (?) said that his T had told him that his silent treatment/withdrawal way of dealing with "the incident" (me asking about the back scratches) was correct. He then revealed that he hadnt told the T the whole story (as workmate was listening) but had said he had an incident that normally would throw him into depression but he had managed to pull himself out of it. The T had said "well done" and my bf took that as withdrawal/wall/silent treatment was a good thing.

The day after this nice evening he went back to withdrawal and I was the enemy again. He demanded space and said I dont let him have Thursdays to himself as he has asked. I reminded him that the previous Thurs I called him and said "As its Thursday I assume you want tonight to yourself so no worries" He then asked me to come over. When reminded he said that I guilted him into seeing me. No win situation. He said that he needed some time to himself and that I dont listen. On a good note he did say "dont take it personally - its not you, your personlaity or charachter - I would be like this with anyone - I just need some time to get out of this mindset" THAT was progress in my book - probably got this from his T sessions. He said that of course we were still together as a couple.

Thursday I spent the night elsewhere.

Last night I spent the night at his. He said he didnt want to talk about anything heavy - we should have a quiet night. As soon as I came in the door he asked me in detail about my CBT session I had just had - hard to avoid a heavy convo with THAT question?. I started telling him - I paused before answering one question (a trigger for him as he thinks it means a lie is coming) and he snapped straight back into me being the enemy again. Then he wanted to have a TALK. Cards on the table. Then it all came out:

1) He said I have moved in without asking him (I thought we were organically spending more time together - a few times he had asked me if I liked living with him etc and constantly referred to things like "have we got any bread in?" etc

2) I havent been paying anything into the house and was taking advantage of him (I have been buying pretty much all the food as well as cooking)

3) He was implying now that the status of the r/s was uncertain. Although he did say he wanted to salvage it and have a future.

4) He has a night out with the boys tonight (ah ha - dysregulation always preceeds events like this!)

5) He has been trying to let me know that he didnt want me there so much by playing computer games (This one is strange as he always plays computer games! We did laugh about this as I said I assumed we were simply comfortable in each others company)

6) This is his big one: He said that he knows I like looking after him. He thinks that I deliberately knock him down so that when he is down I can look after him. He says I want him depressed. He said that when he is depressed that is when he really needs me.

7) He does ultimately want to live with me and misses me when I am not around.

8) He is emotionally numb atm

9) He has had to put his walls up against me

10) He admitted that some previous girlfriends have told him that he has limited compassion or empathy

10) Perhaps he takes things too hard and is mad

As an aside his most serious ex (mother of his child) is due to have her baby with her new partner in a week , the same day I move back into my flat. A perfect storm of abandonment... .

Odd conversation where he would go from being calm to talking about a certain subject and getting very worked up again. He kept telling me that he was "thinking about the r/s" and this was the worst he'd felt about us and he had to wonder if he would be better off alone. Over and over again. I got fed up with hearing this and told him he had said this a few times, I had heard him and wasnt prepared to keep hearing him repeat it so he stopped.

He said he didnt want to talk about anything heavy but "here we are doing it" and blamed me. Then admitted it was him that had started it.

He said he wanted the cards on the table. This was the night for it. He said I wasnt talking (I was) then admitted I was. I asked him to clarify what he wanted from me - what he specifically meant by me putting my cards on the table as I had done so - he thought for a while and then admitted that he didnt know.

With "cards on the table" in mind he asked me for the truth about why I was so "clingy" I told him that I simply wanted to spend time with him (he discounted that as a reason!) I told him there was a lot riding on this r/s for me. I then told him one of my truths - warned him he may not like it but as he was blunt talking then so would I. I said I had done so much to be with him (long story, left 14 yr r/s, moved from my home, stayed with friends for 9 months, having to get full time job to afford my flat back on my own as he took his "live with me" offer off the table in April" I said if he ended it soon after ALL THIS then I would feel betrayed and may never forgive him. And yes. He didnt like it. Felt very good to get that truth out there though! Incidently he countered that he was very close to feeling betrayed as I spent too much time at his house... ? Another one of my truths was that he seemed to want to sabotage it just as I get back into my old home (something he wanted me to do!Of course I want that too now)

He then completely misunderstood something that my T had said about the scratches incident. COMPLETELY reversed it. I didnt realise he had done that for a while. He took it to mean that my T thought that he was right and I was at fault. Then he switched on a dime back to being completely fine!

The rest of the night and morning was really nice. All back to normal.

So now I am giving him space for a few days. He is off out tonight. I am back in my flat in a week and am getting things together for that. I have been very vulnerable this last 2 weeks as moving back to the flat is difficult (lots of memories with my ex and tbh a fear that I made a poor decision in light of this BPD) and the relisation that my b/f didnt keep his initial promise for us to live together when I left. Lots of emotions flying round for me. I imagine that I have been rather needy so backing off for a few days is not such a bad thing.

Maybeso - thanks for your post. I am trying to take ownership of my choice here. Had a great session with my cbt guy yesterday and have some supportive friends round me who have come up with some great ideas about making the flat move process easier on my emotions. Cant wait to get back in there now. Me being more settled will do wonders for me. Have lots of plans as to redocorating  

[123Phoebe]

Hey Connect,

A while back you posted about your relationship as seeming to be connected more to his BPD than to him--

Would you say that this is still the case for the most part?

It's hard for it not to be when a lot of behaviors revolve around mixed messages and so forth

I'd like to ask you a question about "Thursdays"... .

He demanded space and said I dont let him have Thursdays to himself as he has asked. I reminded him that the previous Thurs I called him and said "As its Thursday I assume you want tonight to yourself so no worries" He then asked me to come over. When reminded he said that I guilted him into seeing me. No win situation.

It sounds likes he asked to have Thursdays to himself at some point.  Instead of calling him on Thursday, assuming that he wants to have Thursday to himself, why not take it at face value and believe that he does indeed want to have that day to himself and let him have it?  With no phone call assuming anything?  Do something else entirely and let him feel what it is to own his decision of not seeing or hearing from you that day?

Something as simple as this helps to build trust.  Unless of course, it's something that you cannot live with, i.e., not seeing your bf on Thursday... . 

I'm just imagining telling my guy that I want to have a night to myself then getting a phone call, "As its Thursday I assume you want tonight to yourself so no worries".  I'd be like, ''Um, okay... .''

 

The thing is, I don't think he'd call because I trust that he listens to my needs.

Does this make sense?

[connect]

Hi Phoebe,

Yes it totally makes sense.

Having a bit of time away from him has allowed me to think about things like this too and yes you are right - I should just assume that Thurs are off without having to say anything. I had never thought about it like that  - as being the kind of thing which would help build trust between us actually. I believe I had always thought of trust in terms of fidelity and doing what you said you would do on a grander scale. Things like "Move in with me" and sticking to it... .interesting.

He is having trust issues with me as he feels wrongly accussed sometimes and I have tended to ignore the Thursday thing in the past. I thought it was a little thing but of course to him he cant trust me to listen to what he wants and respect his wishes. Of course how he handles it is not as a little chat but as a huge blow up but I can see that now. Last Thursday I called as we hadnt discussed it in the morning but even so i could have simply sent a text saying "I wil see you tomorrow as its Thursday today" mmm... BUT on a different note what he had ACTUALLY said in previous conversations was he wanted Thursdays off the weekend before he has his child and this is every fortnight. Now this I had been sticking to quite rigidly. He did kind of move the goalposts by saying he had said every Thursday as he didnt say that - he's said every OTHER Thursday. Must have meant it/thought it though I suppose. Does that change anything from your perspective? I want to handle these things better.

We have a huge storm coming tonight and I do want to spend the night at his as storms freak me out a bit. Not sure what to do about that one! Another night off might be better for us but on the other hand I really could do with the protective side of him this evening as where I am staying is very exposed on the coastline (and the roofs come off and windows have come in before in big storms) We agreed to talk about whether we would see each other tonight so will have to play it by ear.

And yes in the last few weeks it has been more BPD driven then r/s driven. I think as I have been emotionally vulnerable that I have not been so strong on not on top form and that hasnt helped - been more selfish myself I suppose. Thanks for the reply! 

[Seashells]

And yes in the last few weeks it has been more BPD driven then r/s driven.



I never looked at it this way before, a very good thought to keep in mind.

Hi Connect     Glad to see you're posting, sorry to see you're struggling a bit lately.

I'm glad you're nearly back to having your own place.  I think it will be grounding for you. 

[123Phoebe]

Hi Connect, hope you're okay from the storm!  

He is having trust issues with me as he feels wrongly accussed sometimes and I have tended to ignore the Thursday thing in the past. I thought it was a little thing but of course to him he cant trust me to listen to what he wants and respect his wishes. Of course how he handles it is not as a little chat but as a huge blow up but I can see that now. Last Thursday I called as we hadnt discussed it in the morning but even so i could have simply sent a text saying "I wil see you tomorrow as its Thursday today" mmm... BUT on a different note what he had ACTUALLY said in previous conversations was he wanted Thursdays off the weekend before he has his child and this is every fortnight. Now this I had been sticking to quite rigidly. He did kind of move the goalposts by saying he had said every Thursday as he didnt say that - he's said every OTHER Thursday. Must have meant it/thought it though I suppose. Does that change anything from your perspective? I want to handle these things better.

I think I'd do a lot less trying to hold the relationship together.  A lot less calling, texting, making sure things are just so... .  A lot less thinking about what he might have or must have meant... .And a lot more taking care of myself.  This includes BAD WEATHER.  If I fear for my safety then for sure I'd make arrangements to be elsewhere.

I'd also step away from "therapy" session discussions.

I want a relationship to enhance my life, not become it.  And I extend this philosophy to others in my sphere.  I imagine they have a similar philosophy, therefore I try not to push myself into their life.

I can ask questions, to get a better feel.  I can have strong opinions that they can dispute.  But no matter what, I cannot change another person into becoming who or what I think would be best.  If I'm uncomfortable, I have to own it.  And then I get to decide what's best for me and how to handle it.

I probably didn't answer your question about the moving goalposts.  I might confront it at first, but if they keep shifting around... .full stop... .and then I turn around and take even better care of myself.  I do not chase BPD driven behaviors.

I'm glad you're nearly back to having your own place.  I think it will be grounding for you. 

I'm with Seashells  

Keep your eyes on the prize... .  YOU

[connect]

Thanks Seashells - I know you are having a hard time at the moment too - I really hope things work out for you  

Pheobe - Thank you too   I think keeping my eye on the prize (me!) will be a lot easier when I am back in my old flat in a few days. I am hanging on by my fingernails until then! BUT am doing a lot of planning and getting quite excited about it too.

Still dealing with dysregulation - last night there was not much talking - the night before some normal talking with a bizzarre comment thrown in... eg... .

We were talking about current affairs - he was in full swing then in exactly the same tone of voice he suddenly said "I have been thinking a lot and if I am going to be accused of things I have decided I am better off on my own" then carried on immediately talking about current affairs again... .really bizzarre. He had actually invited me over that night. Cuddled me in bed. So is this another case of actions and words not matching? Truth? I was so tired from it that I just let it slide.

I may see him tonight and then Weds and Thurs I wont see him (my call about Weds) and I could do with that too. He says he is depressed atm. The timing sucks right before I go back into my old home. I could almost think it was deliberate.

[123Phoebe]

I think keeping my eye on the prize (me!) will be a lot easier when I am back in my old flat in a few days. I am hanging on by my fingernails until then! BUT am doing a lot of planning and getting quite excited about it too.

Still dealing with dysregulation - last night there was not much talking - the night before some normal talking with a bizzarre comment thrown in... eg... .

We were talking about current affairs - he was in full swing then in exactly the same tone of voice he suddenly said "I have been thinking a lot and if I am going to be accused of things I have decided I am better off on my own" then carried on immediately talking about current affairs again... .really bizzarre. 

He just threw that in, in the middle of talking about current affairs?   Sorry, you just have to laugh sometimes though, ya know?  Not at them, I don't mean that.  But to keep ourselves grounded and to understand that we are indeed dealing with a disorder and to not take every single thing seriously.  Probably best to let that one slide right on by... .  Actions speak louder than words thrownintothemiddleofaconversation

Please keep posting through your move, Connect.  We have your back!

[connect]

Thank Phoebe x and yes after I got over the initial hurt from the "middleoftheconverstion" comment I also thought it was funny! You couldnt make it up!

So did see him last night (he insisted and I did want to) and the sex strike has finished  - at last - thank goodness. Wow so that was about 2 and a half weeks of dysregulation/withdrawal from me asking him some questions? Unbelievable. At least I never apologised for asking the questions! The good news is that last night he said that he can see his past may have made him over react. He also said that he thinks that I really understand him.

Thurs today so left him a note on the counter when I left this morning "Thanks for a lovely evening. Enjoy your evening to yourself tonight and hope to catch up tomorrow baby"

Tbh I need the rest - what a rollercoaster. My cbt therapist said to me a few things once:

":)o you want a r/s with his BPD or with him?" and

"People with BPD need firm peramiters, they want them and function better with them but they will be very resistant to them. If you can get over this resistance then you can stand a chance"

[123Phoebe]

My cbt therapist said to me a few things once:

":)o you want a r/s with his BPD or with him?" and

"People with BPD need firm peramiters, they want them and function better with them but they will be very resistant to them. If you can get over this resistance then you can stand a chance"

Your therapist sounds great!  Wow, lucky you.  Please post more nuggets of wisdom as they come up

It's neat to check in with ourselves on how we're processing 'getting over this resistance' and the feelings that arise. 

Glad to hear about the sex strike being over and that your bf thinks you really understand him.  All good stuff, Connect... .  Yay!

[connect]

Thank you! I am next seeing my cbt therapist on Monday - he is good with BPD related stuff. If you have anything you want me to ask him then let me know and I will ask and report back to the board   I dont think I pick his brains on this subject enough and could do with some ideas for questions