Update on living with the Teen Mom

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

AFter her going out until 4:30AM a last week night, while I was home with S3, D1, she went out again Sat. night. Supposedly to a work function with a female colleague. But I saw movie tickets the next day. I thought maybe another date. Actually, she told me later the next day about the movie she saw and with her colleague. Probably true, because she didn't offer any explanation for the 4:30AM jaunt. But no matter.

Sunday, I took our D1 to church (S3 was with his uncle and gf all day). Came home and took care of our daughter. SO was out at the Buddhist temple to a meditation class, and then a cooking class. We were about to go to the park when SO came home. She spend some time with our D, and I told her I was going to take D to the park. SO went to the gym, we all met back at the house an hour later. I made dinner. S came home later. I ate (so I wouldn't have to eat with SO), tried to feed kids, but they were picky. Put D to bed early, read with S, bathed and put him to bed. Then I went to talk to SO... .

I asked her to update me on the looking for a place to live project. She gave me some details, but it is hard in our area (one of the most expensive places to live in the US). I let pass my feeling that "oh, so NOW do you see that I was 'providing for you' when you denied that I did? Not so easy, is it?" I also requested her to stop going out while she was living under my roof. I told her that I felt she was taking advantage of my kindness and patience. She started to protest, but I segued into it not being right her going out all hours of the night while I stayed home with our children. Sure, they were sleeping, but I was still there. She actually agreed, and then said she kind of thought that, but needed to hear it from me (as if a 32 year old woman needed to be told like a kid what she was doing wasn't right?).

She also was receptive to my offer over a month ago about doing the 7/7 custody, which she was scared to do at first (not seeing the kids for so long). This time, I started feeling like I would be the one having anxiety not seeing my kids for so long. The good thing is that due to babysitting arrangments, we can each see them either in the morning or the evening after work before either parent takes them home. I reminded her that we can be flexible, and change things later if it isn't working so well. She was receptive to that. The strange thing is that even when I throw things out in the heat of an argument, she takes it in and processes it for later. I did always love that about her, that she is so high functional, except when it comes to close intimacy (and the verbal and emotional abuse, severe depressions, etc... .which I only saw all of).

Despite her betrayal and pathological lying, I know she doesn't hate me. Somehow, it might be easier for me is she did. I weep daily over this loss (not so much of her, but the break up of our family. Sometimes I almost lose it in front of the kids, but have to watch myself (the emotional incest thing... .putting too many adult concerns on little children, and to a large extent, this is what happened to her, why she felt "robbed" of her childhood).

So calm for now, I guess. I still did all of the work getting the kids ready in the morning. I think our therapist was right, that I will be taking primary responsibility for things, even if officially/unofficially, we share 50/50 custody. The great thing was spending all day with my baby girl. She is so cool; so are both of our kids. We are really blessed in that regard. I weep for their coming pain, but maybe it is good this happened at their young age, to give them time to adjust. I was already in my fourth home by the time I was younger than my son, and it did affect me.

Thankfully, her family is very loving towards them (though WAY overprotective, another issue growing up in her household... .), so I know they are safe there. I talked to one of her brothers (the one who is adult enough and stable enough I know I can trust); gave him a 20 minute summary of everything. He said, even two months later, that his sister still hadn't talked (like really talked) to him. Of course, that would be holding herself accountable, not pretending this is just a "thing." But maybe it's better that way. I need to be more stable and strong than ever now, for all of us. Thanks for listening... .-Turkish

[Turkish]

AFter her going out until 4:30AM a last week night, while I was home with S3, D1, she went out again Sat. night. Supposedly to a work function with a female colleague. But I saw movie tickets the next day. I thought maybe another date. Actually, she told me later the next day about the movie she saw and with her colleague. Probably true, because she didn't offer any explanation for the 4:30AM jaunt. But no matter.

Sunday, I took our D1 to church (S3 was with his uncle and gf all day). Came home and took care of our daughter. SO was out at the Buddhist temple to a meditation class, and then a cooking class. We were about to go to the park when SO came home. She spend some time with our D, and I told her I was going to take D to the park. SO went to the gym, we all met back at the house an hour later. I made dinner. S came home later. I ate (so I wouldn't have to eat with SO), tried to feed kids, but they were picky. Put D to bed early, read with S, bathed and put him to bed. Then I went to talk to SO... .

I asked her to update me on the looking for a place to live project. She gave me some details, but it is hard in our area (one of the most expensive places to live in the US). I let pass my feeling that "oh, so NOW do you see that I was 'providing for you' when you denied that I did? Not so easy, is it?" I also requested her to stop going out while she was living under my roof. I told her that I felt she was taking advantage of my kindness and patience. She started to protest, but I segued into it not being right her going out all hours of the night while I stayed home with our children. Sure, they were sleeping, but I was still there. She actually agreed, and then said she kind of thought that, but needed to hear it from me (as if a 32 year old woman needed to be told like a kid what she was doing wasn't right?).

She also was receptive to my offer over a month ago about doing the 7/7 custody, which she was scared to do at first (not seeing the kids for so long). This time, I started feeling like I would be the one having anxiety not seeing my kids for so long. The good thing is that due to babysitting arrangments, we can each see them either in the morning or the evening after work before either parent takes them home. I reminded her that we can be flexible, and change things later if it isn't working so well. She was receptive to that. The strange thing is that even when I throw things out in the heat of an argument, she takes it in and processes it for later. I did always love that about her, that she is so high functional, except when it comes to close intimacy (and the verbal and emotional abuse, severe depressions, etc... .which I only saw all of).

Despite her betrayal and pathological lying, I know she doesn't hate me. Somehow, it might be easier for me is she did. I weep daily over this loss (not so much of her, but the break up of our family. Sometimes I almost lose it in front of the kids, but have to watch myself (the emotional incest thing... .putting too many adult concerns on little children, and to a large extent, this is what happened to her, why she felt "robbed" of her childhood).

So calm for now, I guess. I still did all of the work getting the kids ready in the morning. I think our therapist was right, that I will be taking primary responsibility for things, even if officially/unofficially, we share 50/50 custody. The great thing was spending all day with my baby girl. She is so cool; so are both of our kids. We are really blessed in that regard. I weep for their coming pain, but maybe it is good this happened at their young age, to give them time to adjust. I was already in my fourth home by the time I was younger than my son, and it did affect me.

Thankfully, her family is very loving towards them (though WAY overprotective, another issue growing up in her household... .), so I know they are safe there. I talked to one of her brothers (the one who is adult enough and stable enough I know I can trust); gave him a 20 minute summary of everything. He said, even two months later, that his sister still hadn't talked (like really talked) to him. Of course, that would be holding herself accountable, not pretending this is just a "thing." But maybe it's better that way. I need to be more stable and strong than ever now, for all of us. Thanks for listening... .-Turkish

[bombdiffuser]

Hey Turkish, I have been following your updates closely, because as I have said before, our stories are so similiar. The main difference being that I am married to my BPD and right or wrong, I take a lot of responsiblity for pushing her away, so I am giving it one more try and she has agreed. Following your story seems to give me a glimpse of what life would look like if I decide to end it, which may or may not happen at some point. Thanks for the update and good luck!

[Turkish]

Hey Turkish, I have been following your updates closely, because as I have said before, our stories are so similiar. The main difference being that I am married to my BPD and right or wrong, I take a lot of responsiblity for pushing her away, so I am giving it one more try and she has agreed. Following your story seems to give me a glimpse of what life would look like if I decide to end it, which may or may not happen at some point. Thanks for the update and good luck!

I take the responsibility for the anger she perceived in me, though she misinterpreted its cause. I remember thinking over a year ago that "I can't live into old age with this woman... ." and started withdrawing. Then the demands about what I had to do to ease _her_ unhappiness increased. I let her go out (mistake!) way too much without me, etc... .Things I said about guys giving her their number, ostensibly for "business" reasons, in that they were only after one thing. That may have been the guy. So I made it a self-fulfilling prophecy? I am waffling on how much responsibility I need to take, though I realize in the end I did become the trigger. I was willing to give it a long, upward climb until her lying became pathological (she knew I knew she was lying and still insisted on doing it), so that was when I said, "done," which is what I think she wanted... .to not take all of the responsibility. Soo much like a father/daughter thing here, especially at the end. Like my therapist said, "It's not necessary to pathologize everything," but at this point, I feel like I can't help it.

Good luck with yours. I won't patronize you and wish your marriage either way (though of course I wish YOU well!), because we know... .but we don't know; we are all similar to an extent, but different, too, even those of us who could switch "names" and have pretty much the same story. But you are doing the honorable thing.

SO's attachment to Buddhism now, though against my beliefs (which are mine, of course, I'm not preaching to her or anything), will probably help her cope, even if it's not a cure. She was in a better mood yesterday... .even though she selfishly spent it by herself, mostly. I need to get over the value judgements and realize that it is better for me and the kids if she is more together when she is with them. I hope that in the future, she will take me up on my offer to do a few sessions with her therapist, to point her in the right direction. She's been going for a few years, and the connection just isn't being made to anything other than depression. SO has always been very open about most of what they talk about in the sessions, and this is what it seems to me.