still crying four months after b/u

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Four months ago the uBPDbf and I broke up. A month later we went mutual NC.

The good news is we are so far three months NC.

The bad news is I have had an emotional relapse. I thought I was feeling stronger, but a new wave of grief has overcome me. I have been a mess thinking about him more than usual, really wanting to reconnect. I don't plan to break contact, but if he only knew I'm still crying four months later. He probably has no idea. He has no idea that today I cried in my car on the way to work. That I cried in my car on the way to get lunch. That I cried tonight when I get home from work. That I still wonder whether a text alert or missed call means a message from him.

I have closed the door on past relationships that lasted longer than the one with my exBPD guy. I know how it feels to be truly done. This time, I can't yet bring myself to close anything.

One thing that has contributed to my emotional state is I visited his city last weekend, which is where I used to live and we met but I had to move away for a job months ago. I miss my (and his) city terribly. So I'm not only heartbroken but also homesick. After I relocated, my routine, which comforted me, was driving in on weekends to be with him. That changed after the b/u. Changing that routine was heart wrenching. His house was my base there.

I am grieving a double-loss: loss of the boyfriend and loss of my community. I plan to return to my last city when the time is right (financially), but in the meantime when I go back to visit friends it triggers feelings of the ex.

Thankfully I had a therapist appointment yesterday and I told her all this. She and I had the same idea that I should make more trips to my home city without contacting the ex, of course, so I can separate him from the city. I don't want the ex to keep me from loving my city again.

[peas]

Four months ago the uBPDbf and I broke up. A month later we went mutual NC.

The good news is we are so far three months NC.

The bad news is I have had an emotional relapse. I thought I was feeling stronger, but a new wave of grief has overcome me. I have been a mess thinking about him more than usual, really wanting to reconnect. I don't plan to break contact, but if he only knew I'm still crying four months later. He probably has no idea. He has no idea that today I cried in my car on the way to work. That I cried in my car on the way to get lunch. That I cried tonight when I get home from work. That I still wonder whether a text alert or missed call means a message from him.

I have closed the door on past relationships that lasted longer than the one with my exBPD guy. I know how it feels to be truly done. This time, I can't yet bring myself to close anything.

One thing that has contributed to my emotional state is I visited his city last weekend, which is where I used to live and we met but I had to move away for a job months ago. I miss my (and his) city terribly. So I'm not only heartbroken but also homesick. After I relocated, my routine, which comforted me, was driving in on weekends to be with him. That changed after the b/u. Changing that routine was heart wrenching. His house was my base there.

I am grieving a double-loss: loss of the boyfriend and loss of my community. I plan to return to my last city when the time is right (financially), but in the meantime when I go back to visit friends it triggers feelings of the ex.

Thankfully I had a therapist appointment yesterday and I told her all this. She and I had the same idea that I should make more trips to my home city without contacting the ex, of course, so I can separate him from the city. I don't want the ex to keep me from loving my city again.

[HarmKrakow]

Let the tears rip out. Cry, cry endlessly. Let it all flow out of your system. This is normal and you will have more of those moments Cry, cry and cry. I'm doing the same atm while I should be sleeping (2AM where I live).

[simplyasiam]

its ok peas i still cry after a little after six months apart and at months i was crying two or three times a day. it hard learning to live like we did and harder learning to live normal again

[Accepting]

Yes it's hard visiting place's that way. I took my guy to my favourite places on day drives so now there are memories of him at those places. I also pass the airport where he's a fireman on my way to mums. ... .always hard but things will pass. You have to make things your own again... separate the places you love from them. Hugs for you   it's my birthday today and he won't even remember. But we have to be okay within ourselves. I'm just treating myself to things and being really kind to myself. You'll be okay. Reclaim your home city  

[fromheeltoheal]

Hang in there peas; the only way out is through.

I still have a problem with all of Texas, which isn't fair to all the other Texans, and is giving her too much power still.  Several places there are on my wish list, and part of going is exactly what you're doing, to adjust our references to a place, which removes that power we gave them.

[starshine]

Awwww. peas, I know that pain.  I felt like I lost my community, my city too.  That kind of grief has many layers... .I cried every day, really hard, for a long time.  Give yourself plenty of time and space to heal. Crying is certainly a big part of that.  It's been 2 1/2 years now, and I still cry on occasion. It is a really sad thing that we lived through, these BPD relationships.  Make sure you're drinking plenty of water.  xoxo   

[peas]

Accepting, happy birthday! I hope today is healthy and good for you 

Starshine, I am scared this grief will linger years. You are right, losing community adds another dimension to the grief.

HarmKrow and Simply, I do let the tears flow when they come. I don't hold back, unless I'm sitting at my desk at work because I share an office.

Thanks all of you. These boards are a lifeline.

[allweareisallweare]

For me the past is literally a foreign country  

Happy birthday, Accepting.  

Love, what we nurtured, hoped for, encouraged, maintained --- the relationship, the 50/50 deal isn't there anymore - it feels half like a waste, half like a loss with BPD - we have been actually robbed. A love so strong it couldn't survive the BPD tsunami isn't because we are weak as people... .Love in our hearts and minds should be all-conquering, when in reality it is abstract, only driven home by gestures - non which exist anymore.

It's obvious to still hurt after it is over because it's a loss - we have to somehow prepare for them in life - I mean, we live in these r/ships thinking 'what would I do if I lost you' and then it happens, a worse fear confirmed.

Four months is a long time - for me it's early days etc... .you're really strong, hang in there, we've got you

[UnLuckyLady]

Peas

I still have the sheets on my bed from when we slept. yesterday I saw hair of his pillowcase and I could do nothing but cuddle up into a ball. it may sound or be disgusting but there's nothing I can do about it at this point... .I simply cannot change the sheets yet. I have slept with my daughters now for months... .so I can avoid THAT pain.  I am look into the breakup and I still cannot listen to any type of music, nor go to any restaurant we visited, city we visited, Park he took me to, etc.    I am simply not ready and that is OK. Cry, Peas, it means you are human, not weak, and certainly NOT defeated... .

[peas]

it may sound or be disgusting but there's nothing I can do about it at this point... .I simply cannot change the sheets yet.

UnLuckyLady, keeping a physical reminder for a while of something you loved and lost is not disgusting. I kept in my refrigerator a pot of bolognese sauce that I made on my ex's last visit to my apartment. Seeing it there kept me suspended in pre-breakup time; it was a physical connection to a time with him. I finally threw it out after about three months.

As for my ex, he would do the opposite: during a recycle, he expunged from his house anything to with me at lightening speed.

[Conundrum]

All these notions of separating, closing, compartmentalizing--I don't understand. What I do understand is the depth of your love. I think we all can relate to that.

You loved someone with every fiber of your being. There is nothing shameful about that. The fact that they didn't know how to appreciate and value it, isn't a reflection on you--they have a relational disorder. I know it's cold comfort, but if anything, you performed the ultimate act of benevolence--trying-to-love-to-healing, a person so damaged from childhood that their personality became inordinately damaged. If they are not serious relationship material (for anyone) that's not your fault. They're still lovable--extremely so. Their systemic relational deficiencies will become any future paramour's bane. The patterns and cycles of abandonment are entrenched in their souls.

Just because a relationship has an expiration date doesn't mean that your actions or the relationship itself lacked integrity--for that particular moment-in-time. You did the best you could. That's all any of us can do. We loved beautiful cracked crystal-ware, and the wedding registry will always be filled with goblets of salty tears and blood. It never works out without a massive commitment to state-of-the-art-therapy, and a huge personal investment in enlightenment by the pwBPD. I know it hurts so deeply, the craving--that desiring for the ideal. That ideal is inside you. When you let it out, it touch others, and makes for a better world--in incremental sublime ways. Just because a person with a severe personality disorder was unable to "keep it together" with you, doesn't diminish the amazing attempt you made. It's who you are--as a person. Someone who is not afraid to be hurt for love. That's courageous. It's called vulnerability--it's what allows connection. Be at peace. All things change.       

[leftbehind]

As for my ex, he would do the opposite: during a recycle, he expunged from his house anything to with me at lightening speed.

mine did too.  please tell me someone if this is common among people with BPD?  It was so shocking.  I was still sniffing my pillow for any remaining smell of him long after he had discarded every trace of me.

Peas, I promise you it does get better.  Hang in there, girl

[peas]

Thank you, LB. I need the encouragement.

[Accepting]

Thank u for my birthday wishes   I'm having a nice day just chilling.

I wear a shirt of my exes to bed still. I like feeling close at times despite all I've gone through. I did delete all pix n contacts for him though.

Peas we will all be okay in time. The crying phases make me feel much calmer once they've passed.

I'm so full of cake 

[toomanytears]

Four months ago the uBPDbf and I broke up. A month later we went mutual NC.

The good news is we are so far three months NC.

The bad news is I have had an emotional relapse. I thought I was feeling stronger, but a new wave of grief has overcome me. I have been a mess thinking about him more than usual, really wanting to reconnect. I don't plan to break contact, but if he only knew I'm still crying four months later. He probably has no idea. He has no idea that today I cried in my car on the way to work. That I cried in my car on the way to get lunch. That I cried tonight when I get home from work. That I still wonder whether a text alert or missed call means a message from him.

Hi peas

Sounds like you are doing brilliantly - to go for that long without contact -  I am just on 3 days. I was having a great weekend expunging him from my mind and doing fun things with my best friend. I stupidly sent a text, had a little exchange from him with kisses at the end. Bam! Back in the black hole.  Agony, anguish, I had to close my office door while I broke down in floods of tears.

These BPDs are two people and I am grieving for the idealised one, who I thought was my soul mate. That's why it hurts so bad. But, as my therapist pointed out, he wasn't much of a soul mate in reality.

Hang on in there - your post has been so helpful to me. Knowing there are others out there going through the same.

Accepting - Happy birthday!  

[Learning_curve74]

Hey peas, like everybody said, no shame in crying... .It's an appropriate response to your feelings. Tears well up for me at least once a day, sometimes when I hear a sad song or sometimes when I'm reminded of my exBPDgf. It is what it is.

One thing that has contributed to my emotional state is I visited his city last weekend, which is where I used to live and we met but I had to move away for a job months ago. I miss my (and his) city terribly. So I'm not only heartbroken but also homesick. After I relocated, my routine, which comforted me, was driving in on weekends to be with him. That changed after the b/u. Changing that routine was heart wrenching. His house was my base there.

Thankfully I had a therapist appointment yesterday and I told her all this. She and I had the same idea that I should make more trips to my home city without contacting the ex, of course, so I can separate him from the city. I don't want the ex to keep me from loving my city again.

Sounds like a good plan! 

I'm in a similar situation as the majority of activities I could do to cope and self-soothe are also common interests that I shared with and did together with my ex. So I don't have much urge or energy to do them because they remind me of her, but at the same time as I avoid doing them I'm also reminded that I'm not doing them because I'm trying to forget her. It's draining and frustrating. But what your T said makes so much sense! I am going to go and just do those things so I can separate them from her in my mind. I hope.

[HarmKrakow]

Peas

I still have the sheets on my bed from when we slept. yesterday I saw hair of his pillowcase and I could do nothing but cuddle up into a ball. it may sound or be disgusting but there's nothing I can do about it at this point... .I simply cannot change the sheets yet. I have slept with my daughters now for months... .so I can avoid THAT pain.  I am look into the breakup and I still cannot listen to any type of music, nor go to any restaurant we visited, city we visited, Park he took me to, etc.    I am simply not ready and that is OK. Cry, Peas, it means you are human, not weak, and certainly NOT defeated... .

I remember those times.

Not going to parks, cities, places, bed etc. I remember that all to well. I can tell you, that will pass.

[snappafcw]

I was starting to think I was crazy for still getting really sad and emotional 10 months out... .

Although we are not without issues to address it just amazes me in such a positive way how many kind hearted and thoughtful people there in this community I want to thank you all for being my strength. Peas you are an amazing person just learn to respect and protect your heart you are worth it!

[Century2012]

I cried everyday for 4 months. The grieving process is so difficult.

And now I am short on cash because I am self-employed, and I was so distraught that I could barely work for several months. I hate him!

The only relief, if you want to call it that, is that his ex before me contacted me to see how I was doing as he had made contact with her. Six years later she still hates him for "ruining her life." As in there is someone else who understands my pain.

That is what they do. And they have no clue. I don't even think they care. Because if they did they would realize what an awful person they are or fear they are.

Yes, I do recall the sensitive moments. And I will still tear up. But that is the point. For whatever times I felt so intensely in love there was a time I cried. I realize that all this man brought me was tears.

[snappafcw]

Have you guys should watched the movie Forgetting Sarah Marshal? I have to admit its a silly movie I watch after a breakup, You will be able to relate, make you laugh but also look closely at her character. BPD? Maybe not but definitely has the tendancies... .In the end she seems selfish but has no idea what she is doing with her life looking at it from at outside perspective could help. I know movies are make believe but I feel a lot like the male character in that movie.

[Jbt857]

Aww, Peas, sorry you feel bad.

You know, I only hit that point 4 months after my b/u. Before that, I was so glad to be rid of the tension and the atmosphere and so busy generally unwinding, that besides the initial moment and day that he left, I was actually ok.

And 4 months later - bam - it hit me. (That's when I found this place.)

During those down times, i spent a lot of hours here, reading people's stories. Relating. Learning about rumination and all that stuff.

But I kept telling myself it would pass, and kept doing all the positive things I had already started, like working out and eating well (even if really, I just felt like sitting on the sofa in my pyjamas, eating pizza). It was tough.

But it passes. For me, it passed in a few weeks on the surface and I was ok during the day, but then I started getting nightmares and really bad dreams which caused more late-night ruminations. But I try to deal with that by taking a little time to reflect, then focusing on something else.

I started meditating. It helps me. I just downloaded some free podcasts and spend about 20 minutes a day switching off from the world. Might be worth a try?

It's just a matter of trying to not let those feelings and thoughts dominate your life, I think? So recognise them and accept that it sucks right now, but then close that book and go do something positive and beneficial for you.

Hang in there, hun! 

[Waifed]

As for my ex, he would do the opposite: during a recycle, he expunged from his house anything to with me at lightening speed.

mine did too.  please tell me someone if this is common among people with BPD?  It was so shocking.  I was still sniffing my pillow for any remaining smell of him long after he had discarded every trace of me.

Peas, I promise you it does get better.  Hang in there, girl

I think this is maybe a guy thing in general.  Every time I broke it off with my exBPDgf I gave her back everything.  She NEVER returned anything.

[Bananas]

Hey peas,

I just wanted to say that I am 7 months out and I still cry.  Not as much as month 4.  I think our feelings going up and down is pretty normal.  That is what trauma does to you.  From reading your posts you seem pretty strong to me so like others have said cry when you need to and give yourself a pat on the back for those days when you are feeling good!

i was out of town and feeling fantastic last week.  Back to work today and I saw the ex out of the corner of my eye, and I was overcome with grief.  Went to T and now feeling much better.

We just have to ride out these waves.   

[peas]

Thanks Bananas, Century and JBT.

Bananas, you are a strong woman to start every day knowing you have to see your ex at work. That would be a hard one for me. I'd have to be tranquilized. One of my friends worked in the same office with his ex-girlfriend and the guy she left him for. Yikes. It was hard for him but he got through it.

Century, I know these breakups are so distracting. I have not been able to focus on my job since before the breakup. Before the b/u all I did was worry about the relationship, after the b/u all I have done is worry about me. Somehow I have managed to pull off getting my work done, but it has been painful. Seriously, doing my job is painful because of my mental and emotional state. I am sad and I think about how it would be nice to function normally and concentrate on something other than the b/u and the ex.

JBT, I need to do more self-love. I have neglected my physical and emotional well being. I do not eat right, I do not exercise and I do not do recreational things. I'm underweight and I put minimal effort into my appearance (forget bad hair days -- I'm doing bad hair months). I am definitely depressed, but I'm trying to fight through that until I start feeling better. I need to take charge, but I'm tired.

[Clearmind]

We want what we don’t have. Rather than concentrate on length and duration of NC, think about what you have gained in this past few months.

I wanted to hold onto the fantasy as long as I could. I even resisted posting on the personal inventory board here because I had any revelations about why I got into the relationship to begin with it would drive me further away from my ex.

NC does not help us detach peas. I’m not suggesting contact does either. However while we are feverishly protecting NC we forget about the work we need to do to detach.

Making small trips to your city is good advice. Take back some personal power and begin to live your life rather than live a life based in the past. You will get there. It takes time. Be brave! Take your life back.

[toomanytears]

We want what we don’t have. Rather than concentrate on length and duration of NC, think about what you have gained in this past few months.

I wanted to hold onto the fantasy as long as I could. I even resisted posting on the personal inventory board here because I had any revelations about why I got into the relationship to begin with it would drive me further away from my ex.

NC does not help us detach peas. I’m not suggesting contact does either. However while we are feverishly protecting NC we forget about the work we need to do to detach.

Making small trips to your city is good advice. Take back some personal power and begin to live your life rather than live a life based in the past. You will get there. It takes time. Be brave! Take your life back.

Thanks for your advice (in bold) Clearmind. No contact is hard and I haven't had much success at it so far but I am concentrating on detachment. Meeting old friends, trying new things, going new places - even in the city we shared our lives there are lots of places we never visited. Putting distance. My aim is that my new life will have no room for him. I'm trying to discard my old habits and patterns. It's all too easy for me to drink wine, smoke cigarettes, ruminate, reflect, then send a text: downward spiral. If that happens, and it does, I try to do one tiny thing to claw back. Cleaning something. Wiping round all the light switches. Emptying the bin. Cleaning the car windows. Anything positive that makes MY life nicer. It's kind of working.

peas - we'll get there!