It shouldn't be a sacrifice should it?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So I just got a call from my uBPDw - breaking NC after 2 weeks (We are separated 3 months, living in different continents). The conversation was short and sweet. Just small-talk, no I love yous or anything. I told her nothing has changed in my mind -  I refuse to go back to her, to sacrifice anymore of myself, including my mental well-being (and career). Maybe I have been hoping for her to come to some realisation/breakthrough that she needs to change

But the bottom line is - it shouldn't be a sacrifice to be with the person you love, should it? I know BPD is a whole different ball-game, relationship-wise. But ultimately if you feel its a sacrifice then it isn't really love anymore (if it was even to begin with?). The moment the relationship feels unequal emotionally (and that you're giving more of yourself than is healthy), it has lost what was essential for it to be a healthy loving relationship in the first place.

My therapist agrees  - ie that it shouldn't be a sacrifice to be with her. And she is right. My dad says I am being unfair - ie that if I really think its over, then I should file for divorce and let her go. But I have been in the FOG, unable to finish it, worried about what she may do to herself, while in the back of mind hoping that we may get together again (knowing that nothing is likely to change).

Anyone else in a similar position?

[Sammamish]

So I just got a call from my uBPDw - breaking NC after 2 weeks (We are separated 3 months, living in different continents). The conversation was short and sweet. Just small-talk, no I love yous or anything. I told her nothing has changed in my mind -  I refuse to go back to her, to sacrifice anymore of myself, including my mental well-being (and career). Maybe I have been hoping for her to come to some realisation/breakthrough that she needs to change

But the bottom line is - it shouldn't be a sacrifice to be with the person you love, should it? I know BPD is a whole different ball-game, relationship-wise. But ultimately if you feel its a sacrifice then it isn't really love anymore (if it was even to begin with?). The moment the relationship feels unequal emotionally (and that you're giving more of yourself than is healthy), it has lost what was essential for it to be a healthy loving relationship in the first place.

My therapist agrees  - ie that it shouldn't be a sacrifice to be with her. And she is right. My dad says I am being unfair - ie that if I really think its over, then I should file for divorce and let her go. But I have been in the FOG, unable to finish it, worried about what she may do to herself, while in the back of mind hoping that we may get together again (knowing that nothing is likely to change).

Anyone else in a similar position?

[Aussie0zborn]

I was inspired reading your post until I got to the last paragraph where I was taken by surprise.

An adult relationship should not be about sacrificing yourself. You only  sacrifice your life to save the life of your child.

It's OK to still love her but its best done from afar. I'm thinking your Dad could have a point here. Think about it.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Sammamish, I'm confused.  You're separated and want to keep it that way, but you don't want to get a divorce because you are holding out hope that she might experience a miracle cure and things will work out for the two of you?  You seem to be in a state of emotional limbo, which is OK, but suggest you go slowly before jumping back into any r/s with your Ex.  Lucky Jim

[AliveButBeatup]

So I just got a call from my uBPDw - breaking NC after 2 weeks (We are separated 3 months, living in different continents). The conversation was short and sweet. Just small-talk, no I love yous or anything. I told her nothing has changed in my mind -  I refuse to go back to her, to sacrifice anymore of myself, including my mental well-being (and career). Maybe I have been hoping for her to come to some realisation/breakthrough that she needs to change

But the bottom line is - it shouldn't be a sacrifice to be with the person you love, should it? I know BPD is a whole different ball-game, relationship-wise. But ultimately if you feel its a sacrifice then it isn't really love anymore (if it was even to begin with?). The moment the relationship feels unequal emotionally (and that you're giving more of yourself than is healthy), it has lost what was essential for it to be a healthy loving relationship in the first place.

My therapist agrees  - ie that it shouldn't be a sacrifice to be with her. And she is right. My dad says I am being unfair - ie that if I really think its over, then I should file for divorce and let her go. But I have been in the FOG, unable to finish it, worried about what she may do to herself, while in the back of mind hoping that we may get together again (knowing that nothing is likely to change).

Anyone else in a similar position?

Nope --- you shouldn't have to sacrifice. I too and am separated. I filed for legal separation a few months ago bi need to serve her, but need to finish up some paperwork first before doing so.  I was explaining the BPD thing to a friend of mine. She succinctly summed it up. She said to be with a BPD person is a lifestyle choice.  I am not sacrificing to have that lifestyle.

ABB

[Sammamish]

Aussie0zborn/Lucky Jim/AliveButBeatup - thanks for your posts. I agree with you all. I am in emotional limbo and still in the FOG. I cant go back right now and yet I have invested too much in this marriage to give up on it right away. But ultimately it is a lifestyle choice, if she will not change I will need to.

I am starting to feel stronger within myself but unless I see changes in my W I cannot take the risk.

My therapist's analogy when in a relationship with someone like this  - its like walking in the desert. You may have enough "water" to keep you going for a while, but sooner or later you will run out. I know how it feels to walk in the desert, and right now I am reluctant to go back out there again.

[numbr3]

How much more time do you want to waste because you have so much" invested" in the marriage?  Another 5, 10 or 15 years? Waiting for her to change?  I bet you are the only one doing the investing.

They don't change because they see you as the problem.

I sacrificed myself for 20 years then another 2 after that.  All it got me was more mental anguish, depression and horrible self esteem.  He ends up behaving even worse, is more vindictive and cruel and totally out of touch with reality.  I am glad he is taking it out on his new woman ( or man or co worker or family or whatever) and not me anymore.

[Aussie0zborn]

I cant go back right now and yet I have invested too much in this marriage to give up on it right away. But ultimately it is a lifestyle choice, if she will not change I will need to.

I realized I had made a mistake after I invested $45,000 in the relationship. I didn't want to take that loss and needed to make the relationship work. I also invested seven years of my life.

I invested $1,037,000.00 in her, her children and our house in the last seven years and I still have 18 bank statements to add to that. Her offer for settlement is that she takes EVERYTHING. I would have been better off losing my initial $45,000 investment and saving the one million bucks and seven years of my life.

The investment you have made to date is nothing compared to what you are going to make before you get tired, get sick or get thrown out. The changes you will need to make to continue in a BPD relationship will more than likely not make you the man your father would be proud of. Good luck.

[Newton]

The analogy of walking in the desert is a great one.  To expand on it a little further, in one of my early posts I likened my rs to walking purposefully across a desert enduring intolerable heat and discomfort.  My goal was a beautiful and inviting oasis.  This oasis represented the person I hoped my partner could be, one day.  Unfortunately it was a construct of my own making as unreal as the mirage of a vast lake that would ease my suffering and make the journey worth the personal sarifice made in order to get there.

It is a very challenging and frightening prospect to accept  what we have pursued is a dream, and yet the reality that we could lose everything of ourselves in that pursuit is also important to focus on.  Without that reality check of self preservation we are lost, wandering, with less and less sustainance to keep us going.

In my experience of pwBPD they will take as much as we are willing to give, then we are perceived as redundant when the supply we had is exhausted.

Therefore as hard as it is, choosing OUR path, choosing to survive and find our own way out of the desert, is our responsibility.  Looking back at how far you have travelled, and concentrating on what you have endured will compound the negativity and detract from energy that is essential in order to believe in the best direction for us NOW. 

[AliveButBeatup]

I cant go back right now and yet I have invested too much in this marriage to give up on it right away. But ultimately it is a lifestyle choice, if she will not change I will need to.

I realized I had made a mistake after I invested $45,000 in the relationship. I didn't want to take that loss and needed to make the relationship work. I also invested seven years of my life.

I invested $1,037,000.00 in her, her children and our house in the last seven years and I still have 18 bank statements to add to that. Her offer for settlement is that she takes EVERYTHING. I would have been better off losing my initial $45,000 investment and saving the one million bucks and seven years of my life.

The investment you have made to date is nothing compared to what you are going to make before you get tired, get sick or get thrown out. The changes you will need to make to continue in a BPD relationship will more than likely not make you the man your father would be proud of. Good luck.

Interesting number there of $45,000. That is probably about what I have into this marriage of 10 months or so.  Great sex and I felt great for a period of time. Still, it probably would have been cheaper to hire a hooker.

I thank The Lord I did a prenuptial.  She really fought me on that one. Almost to the the point I didn't do one.  We were going to be married forever, right?  She was pushing to buy a house because that would have made everything better.  I think not and once again I thank that little voice inside my head that nixed that idea.  She almost had me doing that as well.  I think I will have to pay a few thousand alimony.  I am not very happy about that, but it is just a small percentage of what this relationship potentially could have cost me.

ABB

[Sammamish]

Thanks Aussie, Newton, Alive. I consider myself lucky to still be in one piece, and have not lost too much to date. My main regret is the time invested into her and this relationship. But it is never too late to do something about it. My biggest obstacle in all this has been my own indecision and fear. Not doing anything is a decision in itself. And I need to start taking control of my life again. I will keep you posted. Thanks again.

[maxen]

My biggest obstacle in all this has been my own indecision and fear. Not doing anything is a decision in itself. And I need to start taking control of my life again. I will keep you posted. Thanks again.

hi sammamish. after my BPDstbxw announced her infidelity, drove away, sent me insulting emails, and retained a lawyer, i somehow gathered the strength to file (remarkably, she didn't, and later held that up as a sign of her good will!). but i haven't served. i too am in fear, of the divorce process and what i may lose, but am also in too much wreckage to move forward yet. i'm glad i didn't force myself to do it. the right moment will come.

[DragoN]

The analogy of walking in the desert is a great one.  To expand on it a little further, in one of my early posts I likened my rs to walking purposefully across a desert enduring intolerable heat and discomfort.  My goal was a beautiful and inviting oasis.  This oasis represented the person I hoped my partner could be, one day.  Unfortunately it was a construct of my own making as unreal as the mirage of a vast lake that would ease my suffering and make the journey worth the personal sarifice made in order to get there.

It is a very challenging and frightening prospect to accept  what we have pursued is a dream, and yet the reality that we could lose everything of ourselves in that pursuit is also important to focus on.  Without that reality check of self preservation we are lost, wandering, with less and less sustainance to keep us going.

In my experience of pwBPD they will take as much as we are willing to give, then we are perceived as redundant when the supply we had is exhausted.

Therefore as hard as it is, choosing OUR path, choosing to survive and find our own way out of the desert, is our responsibility.  Looking back at how far you have travelled, and concentrating on what you have endured will compound the negativity and detract from energy that is essential in order to believe in the best direction for us NOW. 

It shouldn't be a sacrifice. To compromise is not sacrifice, but when the water is completely cut off and not ever going to flow in the stream of life? It's a sacrifice that makes no sense. When love and trust, the stepping stones in the stream of life don't exist as  it does not in a BPD r/s. What are we doing there?

Focus on me,  now and future and just keep moving...