Where do you get your strength to keep going?

[HarmKrakow]

I was wondering where you fellow users get your strength out after having been beat by your BPD partner and are in the fully process of detachment? What is it, that pulls you through, to keep detaching to a healthier lifestyle? 

What are your life handles?

Is it your faith?

Is it your family?

Is it your children?

Is it a goal in life?

Do you often feel misunderstood for the pain you are going through?

I know a lot of people mention mindfulness, re-wiring the brain, going for walks, work out, but if there is 1 thing which keeps you through everything, the last building brick of your house, what is it?

Because if you consider what keeps you going, it's also (atleast what I believe) what you once again will build up if you are detaching.

Me for example, pull a lot of strength out of video's like this.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=_o80Q4pLvTE

Understanding, that how you feel, is not a bad thing. That when I am hurt, it's okay to feel bad. It's okay to even feel superbly bad that suicidal thoughts come around the corner, or you are crying for hours. A video like this for me was mindblowing.

What helps you guys?

Is it the yoga? Is it the new pet you just got? What is it?

[Century2012]

Remember "City Slickers?" The ONE thing.

I don't think there is a universal 1 thing.

Go to the place where you get the most validation about you. The activity that makes you feel good about yourself. What do you do well? If you are a great cook, invite friends over for a home-cooked meal. If it is sharing knowledge, see if you can sign up to teach a class in your area of expertise. Doing something that others will recognize and praise you for will nurture your self esteem.

As goofy as this sounds (I read astrological charts for people as a hobby), find your moon sign. That is where you go to feel safe and secure.

My moon is in Capricorn. So my "safe place" is work. I "bury" myself in it.

[DragoN]

Simple.

1. I don't have the luxury of "breaking down."

If I crumble? Whose job is it to pick up the pieces? Mine.

Don't break down is easier.

2. I would die for the one I love, but I will rot in hell before I kill myself because of someone I love/d. Two very different things.

[coffee shop]

I remember that it was best to have others around. I could be strong when in the company of my supporters. Then I developed a call list and if I was having a bad moment I could call anyone on the list and they will talk to me, support me, distract me or come be with me.

I could not have made it without the help of all my family and friends.

As time passed I have developed other coping programs, walking, hobbies, volunteering at the local elder care home, reading (helps sometimes other times my mind wanders).

Best to you.

[HarmKrakow]

Simple.

1. I don't have the luxury of "breaking down."

If I crumble? Whose job is it to pick up the pieces? Mine.

Don't break down is easier.

2. I would die for the one I love, but I will rot in hell before I kill myself because of someone I love/d. Two very different things.

Don't break down is easier? I have to disagree with that.

It's easier to make a mess of your life, than to do something good with it. Everyone can break down, but for financial reasons can't ...

It's easier to put all the garbage you produce in the garden of the neighbor or on the street rather than in the bin ...

It's easier to push someone away if he stands in front of you than rather asking if he can move aside ...

[HappilyNeverAfter]

My two boys.

My students.

My family.

My players.

Lots of reasons to push through the fog.

[DragoN]

I have to disagree with that.

You have the right to disagree. No problem

Agree with your point #1. But not #2 and #3. Irrelevant. Throw your garbage where it belongs, and ask nicely for buddy to move.

How about my point #2 ? That one is fundamentally more interesting.

[Ironmanrises]

Good question Harm.

Where do you get your strength to keep going... .?

It used to be my artwork... .

Which was discovered in... .

My darkest period of my life... .

(Second suicide attempt).

Now that has been non functional... .

Due to emotional abuse... .

Of 2 rounds of relationship

With pwBPD.

Now... .

My last strength... .

Is to... .

Simply... .

Live.

[HarmKrakow]

I have to disagree with that.

You have the right to disagree. No problem

Agree with your point #1. But not #2 and #3. Irrelevant. Throw your garbage where it belongs, and ask nicely for buddy to move.

How about my point #2 ? That one is fundamentally more interesting.

I sort of agree with point 2.

After my BPD experience, what I understand of 'love' is severely mixed up. I don't know what love is anymore, because what I thought it was, it definitely wasn't that. I don't know why I would die for something because I don't know what love is anymore after my BPD experience.

On the other hand, I would never kill myself because of someone I loved (or thought I loved). The whole video I showed for example was merely to point out that it is completely normal to, after a traumatic experience or hitty occasions in ur life to feel suicidal. That doesn't mean that has to be done, it means that thought needs to be embraced and then shut off.

[DragoN]

that thought needs to be embraced and then shut off.

Agree.

I don't know what love is anymore, because what I thought it was, it definitely wasn't that.

No, it's not. Love challenges you to be and do better than you think you are capable of. It holds you close and keeps you warm without suffocating you. Doesn't always agree, and neither does it tear you down. It's so many things. But it's not what I got in my r/s either. It's consistent and gentle or rough when necessary. With a PD? They cannot keep that going. Eventually the Mask drops. What do you see there? Nothing. Love/ Hate. Use/ Discard.

If you let them, they'll grind you down till there's nothing left and suicide does look like a nice release, however the reality? Get rid of the PD in your life.

When someone is devaluing you and your Love? Leave. It will hurt, but the discard will hurt worse. You know it's coming. Cannot be avoided. So take the pain up front. No point to waste anymore years of your life trying to fix the utterly broken and black hole of need. That's their job, not mine and not yours.

When someone loves or cares about you? They are not going to be driving you to the point of suicide while in the relationship. And should your PD up and leave? No one is ever worth dying over. They are not worth it, no one is.

[Hazelrah]

Targeted therapy has helped me start to learn some healing coping mechanisms, and friends/family have been extremely supportive, but the single most important thing has been getting back in touch with a true love of mine--the creative process... .more specifically, music.  

Songwriting and live performance is a talent I'd explored long before I met my BPDw, yet I lost that outlet after entering the relationship and eventual marriage.  It isn't her fault--she encouraged me to pursue it as she hated to see the talent go to waste as well.  Outside influences put the outlet on hold for a while, and I eventually became so absorbed with caring for my wife's issues that I completely lost touch with it and temporarily lost one of the most important aspects of my self-identity.  Again, that's on me.  

It is critically important that we find our individual passions or talents and explore them to the fullest... .they can be a source of pride and either add to our existing happiness, or help provide a welcome respite when we're at our lowest.  

[HarmKrakow]

that thought needs to be embraced and then shut off.

Agree.

I don't know what love is anymore, because what I thought it was, it definitely wasn't that.

No, it's not. Love challenges you to be and do better than you think you are capable of. It holds you close and keeps you warm without suffocating you. Doesn't always agree, and neither does it tear you down. It's so many things. But it's not what I got in my r/s either. It's consistent and gentle or rough when necessary. With a PD? They cannot keep that going. Eventually the Mask drops. What do you see there? Nothing. Love/ Hate. Use/ Discard.

If you let them, they'll grind you down till there's nothing left and suicide does look like a nice release, however the reality? Get rid of the PD in your life.

When someone is devaluing you and your Love? Leave. It will hurt, but the discard will hurt worse. You know it's coming. Cannot be avoided. So take the pain up front. No point to waste anymore years of your life trying to fix the utterly broken and black hole of need. That's their job, not mine and not yours.

When someone loves or cares about you? They are not going to be driving you to the point of suicide while in the relationship. And should your PD up and leave? No one is ever worth dying over. They are not worth it, no one is.

Thanks for the brutal up-front honesty. The direct approach. I mean that. Say what's on your sleeve. It's a characteristic I admire in people (why hide what you think and then say something else?) and I also agree on what you are saying.

I admit, that i've often been to weak on those personal occasions, and let other people (social wise) walk over me. However, when I was working (finance) I didn't allow anyone to walk over me and whoever did, was waiting for a (righteous) fight with me and I would not rest until the most well thought argument would win.

[maxen]

i've wondered what's kept me alive, much less going, during the past months.

1: a basic animal instinct not to die.

2: the intervention of a very few but great friends.*

3: therapy, which is basically conversation with a trained conversationalist. it gave me an appointment to keep, a chance to talk, which i crave, and the promise of finding a context into which i can put this experience. this is the first time therapy has ever worked for me, i was properly motivated but also the therapist is the first good one i've met.

4: prayer

i've faced suicide and i can say that it isn't about a person. it may be about an event, or facing a future event, but above all it's about getting out of a pain that has no surcease. i have great sympathy for suicides.

* one of these friends himself pondered suicide, but he has two daughters and said that he recognized his familial attachments and obligations and that saved him.

[Ironmanrises]

I have to disagree with that.

You have the right to disagree. No problem

Agree with your point #1. But not #2 and #3. Irrelevant. Throw your garbage where it belongs, and ask nicely for buddy to move.

How about my point #2 ? That one is fundamentally more interesting.

I sort of agree with point 2.

After my BPD experience, what I understand of 'love' is severely mixed up. I don't know what love is anymore, because what I thought it was, it definitely wasn't that. I don't know why I would die for something because I don't know what love is anymore after my BPD experience.

On the other hand, I would never kill myself because of someone I loved (or thought I loved). The whole video I showed for example was merely to point out that it is completely normal to, after a traumatic experience or ty occasions in ur life to feel suicidal. That doesn't mean that has to be done, it means that thought needs to be embraced and then shut off.

In bold.

That thought needs to embraced and then shut off... .

Lets rephrase that to... .

That thought needs to be embraced and supressed.

I have attempted suicide... .

Twice... .

Before my pwBPD entered my life.

You don't just shut off thoughts.

The thoughts are always there.

At the periphery.

Ever present.

Especially... .

When you have crossed... .

The threshold... .

Of your own... .

Self preservation thought processes.

[HarmKrakow]

i've wondered what's kept me alive, much less going, during the past months.

1: a basic animal instinct not to die.

2: the intervention of a very few but great friends.*

3: therapy, which is basically conversation with a trained conversationalist. it gave me an appointment to keep, a chance to talk, which i crave, and the promise of finding a context into which i can put this experience. this is the first time therapy has ever worked for me, i was properly motivated but also the therapist is the first good one i've met.

4: prayer

i've faced suicide and i can say that it isn't about a person. it may be about an event, or facing a future event, but above all it's about getting out of a pain that has no surcease. i have great sympathy for suicides.

* one of these friends himself pondered suicide, but he has two daughters and said that he recognized his familial attachments and obligations and that saved him.

I agree with your top 3. I am unfortunately not truly religious, although I try to follow the 10 commandments as good as I can.

Other than that, it also relates back to one of my essential problems is that I don't have a lot to live for. I don't have a family, nor brothers or sisters or kids. That takes away already a whole lot of reasoning for others NOT to push through with a suicide.

I don't want to make this conversation very depressing but I admit I have contemplated it very often. Very often. I have written good-bye letters. I do feel like my time hasn't come yet though.

[AlexRose]

The one thing huh?

In my case it's my past. I look at my life prior to meeting my BPD ex BF and how happy I was and how centered, and know I can get there again. I have always been one of the mindful & meditating folk and even in the midst of this messy break up I am still stable at the core. Emotions come and go, it may not be 100% easy yet it's been a long time since they overrode the inner peace I had found. Knowing that I can always find my way back to that place is my main source of strength.

The smaller things stem from this and basically fit the 'giving myself a loving attention' description. To be more specific I guess it means to me that I don't beat myself up, I eat well, I try to get enough sleep, I let myself to be a bit lazy, I use my creativity to process the pain, I find the time to smell the roses and play with my cat and dog etc etc...

One of the things I find hugely helpful is writing things down - my thoughts, my feelings, my false beliefs, my hopes. I don't ruminate much anymore yet I find the process to be of huge healing help. Somehow I can get a better perspective when writing things down, it's cathartic.

Also, even though my job seems rather dull at the moment and sometimes it is hard to motivate myself to step outside to spend another day in the office I find the routine quite good for me.

The first month after the break up I neglected proper food and got into the habit of having a glass of wine every eve. Now I have changed that into eating healthy again and replaced the wine with homemade green smoothies that give me energy and support the healing on a cellular level.

I also went on a holiday by myself and spent some time in nature in high mountains. Then I visited my family in my old country and let myself indulge in the warmth of my mom's company. I saw my grannies, both in their 90s, they've been through the hell of WW2 and have lived, I guess I will live through my BPD break up.

When in the old country I also took the time to visit a good friend of mine whom I hadn't seen for about 2 years and who is now fighting cancer. She is my age, in her thirties and went through the hell of mastectomy followed by chemo and radiotherapy only to find her strength at the very rocky bottom.

These are only few thoughts, probably a bit chaotic as I am in work.

[DragoN]

 IMF HarmKrkow

Nobody is ever worth your life. Ever.

My life is short and precious to me, and no one will ever push me that far. He will break himself on my Will first.

Life is short, then we die. No point to speed up the process.

[musicfan42]

Thanks for your honesty here Ironmanfalls and HarmKrkow... .very helpful for me   

I've had suicidal thoughts but never acted on them. I tend to use a safety plan and I find it very helpful. I'm going to give a link here for one... it's truly a great resource:

www.studentsagainstdepression.org/downloads/workbook/module1/take_action_workbook_module1.pdf

I like the idea of a safety plan because it's hard to think straight when you feel depressed anyways, let alone experiencing suicidal ideation so the safety plan just gives me clarity.

It lists things you can do to keep yourself safe-things like call a suicide hotline phone number, do a pros and cons list, self-soothing e.g. cup of herbal tea, distractions, call a doctor, call emergency services. I've called crisis phone lines before-they're helpful because the person on the other line is trained on how to deal with emotionally distressed people. They tend to just listen and don't give that much advice. I wasn't feeling suicidal the last time I rang... just stressed out... so the male staffer actually started talking about problem solving with me... giving me advice and encouragement. I think this was because I stated directly that I wasn't feeling suicidal. If the person is feeling suicidal, then the staffer will offer validation mostly and that's exactly what is needed in that situation. I guess what I'm really trying to say is that they're understanding... not pushy at all!

Telling a doctor that you feel suicidal is very important too. The doctor is trained to deal with that exact situation so they will be able to handle it calmly, professionally... give you the support you need.

[maxen]

Telling a doctor that you feel suicidal is very important too. The doctor is trained to deal with that exact situation so they will be able to handle it calmly, professionally... give you the support you need.

yes, very important. i've told (amongst a very few others) my psychiatrist; he's given me his number if it comes to that, and knows what steps to take.

also, Samaritans (.org), they have an email service in addition to a phone number (it's in the UK). they'll respond to emails every day to talk, I found that very congenial and they kept it going as long as i needed it. a great help.

[Turkish]

1. Faith, followed as close by... .

2. Our children. I know I am the stable parent, and need to be, followed closely by... .

3. Friends, and two of her family members who support me and the children, and don't approve at all what she has done, though they don't know about the BPD (just her depression). Also her mother doesn't approve of this at all. I've only opened up to two siblings, who are surprisingly supportive of me.

4. I've went through a really crappy childhood and fought to get where I am, and I'm not going to let this, the hardest thing I've been through in over 30 years, perhaps ever, get me down.

She's still trying to justify the unjustifiable (affair). Straaangly, no one approves. Surprise! She will get it later... .or not. No matter. I just want her out of my house. That is the hardest part right now, detaching while she is still around. But I have gotten better in the last month, thanks in no small part to bpdfamily ;^)

[Traumatized]

What is keeping me going?

1) This message board

2) Listening to music

3) My 2 therapists and 1 psychiatrist (my psychiatrist told me today he is really worried about me surviving this whole ordeal)

4) Going for long, fast paced walks

5) Writing about all this stuff

6) Crying long and hard multiple times a day to help deal with the extreme emotional pain I'm in

7) Hoping that I will get back together with my BPDx sometime soon (I'm not fully detached yet)

8) Deep inside really wanting to live and solve my problems instead of killing myself. 

9) The Suicide Hotline

10) Working on a new art project that will reflect the brokenness I feel inside.

11) Prayer

Today I added one more thing that helped me.  I called her mother and had a heartfelt talk.  It felt so good!  Her mother is so understanding and compassionate!  I was crying for half of the conversation and she did her best to sooth me.  The downside of calling her is that I run the risk of my BPDx finding out and hating me even more (she'll think I'm trying to drive a wedge between her and her mother and manipulate her to take my side).

[HarmKrakow]

What is keeping me going?

1) This message board

2) Listening to music

3) My 2 therapists and 1 psychiatrist (my psychiatrist told me today he is really worried about me surviving this whole ordeal)

4) Going for long, fast paced walks

5) Writing about all this stuff

6) Crying long and hard multiple times a day to help deal with the extreme emotional pain I'm in

7) Hoping that I will get back together with my BPDx sometime soon (I'm not fully detached yet)

8) Deep inside really wanting to live and solve my problems instead of killing myself. 

9) The Suicide Hotline

10) Working on a new art project that will reflect the brokenness I feel inside.

11) Prayer

Today I added one more thing that helped me.  I called her mother and had a heartfelt talk.  It felt so good!  Her mother is so understanding and compassionate!  I was crying for half of the conversation and she did her best to sooth me.  The downside of calling her is that I run the risk of my BPDx finding out and hating me even more (she'll think I'm trying to drive a wedge between her and her mother and manipulate her to take my side).

Keep posting here buddy. Keep posting. Keep throwing out your emotions. Keep active here. Keep posting We are all here for you and a few months back I was exactly in your shoes.

[Hazelrah]

What is keeping me going?

1) This message board

2) Listening to music

3) My 2 therapists and 1 psychiatrist (my psychiatrist told me today he is really worried about me surviving this whole ordeal)

4) Going for long, fast paced walks

5) Writing about all this stuff

6) Crying long and hard multiple times a day to help deal with the extreme emotional pain I'm in

7) Hoping that I will get back together with my BPDx sometime soon (I'm not fully detached yet)

8) Deep inside really wanting to live and solve my problems instead of killing myself. 

9) The Suicide Hotline

10) Working on a new art project that will reflect the brokenness I feel inside.

11) Prayer

Today I added one more thing that helped me.  I called her mother and had a heartfelt talk.  It felt so good!  Her mother is so understanding and compassionate!  I was crying for half of the conversation and she did her best to sooth me.  The downside of calling her is that I run the risk of my BPDx finding out and hating me even more (she'll think I'm trying to drive a wedge between her and her mother and manipulate her to take my side).

Keep posting here buddy. Keep posting. Keep throwing out your emotions. Keep active here. Keep posting We are all here for you and a few months back I was exactly in your shoes.

I second HarmKrkow's advice--stay here for support.  So many people here understand how you are feeling right now.

[maxen]

What is keeping me going?

1) This message board

2) Listening to music

3) My 2 therapists and 1 psychiatrist (my psychiatrist told me today he is really worried about me surviving this whole ordeal)

4) Going for long, fast paced walks

5) Writing about all this stuff

6) Crying long and hard multiple times a day to help deal with the extreme emotional pain I'm in

7) Hoping that I will get back together with my BPDx sometime soon (I'm not fully detached yet)

8) Deep inside really wanting to live and solve my problems instead of killing myself. 

9) The Suicide Hotline

10) Working on a new art project that will reflect the brokenness I feel inside.

11) Prayer

Today I added one more thing that helped me.  I called her mother and had a heartfelt talk.  It felt so good!  Her mother is so understanding and compassionate!  I was crying for half of the conversation and she did her best to sooth me.  The downside of calling her is that I run the risk of my BPDx finding out and hating me even more (she'll think I'm trying to drive a wedge between her and her mother and manipulate her to take my side).

that's beautiful that you put that all out. i've done 9 of those things, we've all done most of them. keep posting.

[DragoN]

Long before I ran into pwBPD, I was very much in love with life. Wasn't "perfect" was a fun challenge and I was content and doing ok. Then, came BPD. And the projections were lies, the accusations were lies and my love for life was dying. Why? My partner was making life a living hell. Then, I left. And poor as a church mouse. I was happier and at peace without the rain of garbage on my head. My Truth, trumps his BPD.



I was recycled and round 2 was equally bad, however I still had my Truth and my T.

No PD will rattle my cage ever. BPD/ NPD are just messed up humans that we loved. They cannot define us. How can a person without a self or core have an opinion of any value? Not possible.

[Turkish]

No PD will rattle my cage ever. BPD/ NPD are just messed up humans that we loved. They cannot define us. How can a person without a self or core have an opinion of any value? Not possible.

Awesome. I need to remind myself of that, especially when she sometimes brings the same things up again. And again. I figured out long ago, though I didn't want to really admit it, that this person really had no moral core. That's because the core is emptiness and pain.