Is she a coward or is she considerate.

[snappafcw]

Hope you all have a great weekend guys.

I just have a curious question. I read a lot here on the boards that BPDs try to rub in to their ex's how great their new life is ect. Despite mine unblocking me on her social media I blocked her immediately so I honestly don't know if she was trying to make me see stuff. However at the nightclub I work at she used to come every two weeks even a year before we dated. But now I haven't seen her there since last Christmas. I wonder if this is respect on her part for knowing how much she hurt me or if she is just too cowardly to face me... .

I know it doesn't matter but I'm just curious. I'm guessing its the second option. Have you guys had any similar experience?

[Ironmanrises]

Snap... .

It is/might be both.

Remember... .

She has tried to reach out to you... .

(Song request you mentioned)... .

Albeit... .

Not in the way... .

That you want.

Your well being... .

Is dependent... .

On her staying away from you.

She will only hurt you my friend.

Hang in there.

[snappafcw]

Thank you Ironman

I'm doing ok thank you bro. I am doing a lot better than I have been actually but I don't know if its a good think because I have massive rock solid walls around myself now you should take blue prints for your new ironman suit.

Sorry bad joke my friend hope you found it funny

[Ironmanrises]

Welcome Snap.

Good to hear.

That is a positive. 

The massive rock walls... .

You have built... .

Will insulate you for now... .

To let you heal.

That is what you need... .

To heal.

Once you heal... .

You will... .

Begin to refine... .

The massive rock walls... .

To allow... .

Trustworthy people... .

Back in.

You will better be able... .

To detect pwBPD... .

And not allow them entrance.

at your reference for my suit.

Massive rock walls offer protection too!

I am still... .

Working on my inner core... .

Damage... .

That has rendered... .

My suit... .

Ineffective.

[Aussie0zborn]

I have seen more cowardice than consideration in my stbx uBPD wife.

"Consideration" is faked and used as as measure to see how much they need to give as they don't want to give too much or any more than is necessary to achieve their immediate objective.

The cowardice comes from their fear of being exposed - they hate that with a passion. Their bad behaviour is for your eyes only.

Im thinking she's a coward but thats not to say she isnt going to walk in one day as if nothing has happened.

[happylogist]

I think it very much depends on the circumstances of the break-up.

The place you mention  - club - implies her coming there with a happy face.  Based on Ironman's info - she tried to contact you without getting the result she wanted, so not coming there might be a way to make you wonder what is going on in her life.

[starshine]

As much as I have changed my path to avoid my ex, I'm guessing he does the same with me, although who knows.  He is a big coward.  I called him that right after our breakup, too.  He acts all brave and since he is 6 1/2 feet tall he can be very intimidating. 

I have been focused on healing my self, and not worried so much about his healing, as obviously, I had no control over any of his choices.  I used to tell him that I based my choices on his choices.  For example, if he went out drinking I wouldn't sleep in the same bed as him.  I wouldn't chastise him for drinking-  I just wouldn't put up sleeping with a snoring, sleep apnea, stinky man.  Gross.  And he chose to implode our relationship and move on immediately.  I sure as heck didn't chose to follow him over the cliff of big drama.  I just stepped back and watched him and his new host ride off unto the sunset.

There was one moment about 2 weeks after the implosion, as I was loading up some of my old street bricks, that he came out to me and said: That wasn't supposed to happen.  I told him that as always, I made my choices based on what he chose to do- and he chose all of this.  Such bad behavior.

[HarmKrakow]

I don't think BPDers are cowards or considerate 

[maxen]

I read a lot here on the boards that BPDs try to rub in to their ex's how great their new life is ect.

"i'm happy with what i have," "i'm not ready to leave [it]," "i'll tell you more things that will hurt you." these beside demanding that i must convince her that i'm worthy to return to, after all she has a new, adulterous relationship to be in.

not really on topic, but i had to vent.

[snappafcw]

By all means vent all you need to you are around friends who care

[willbegood]

As hard as it is to hear I think they simply paint us black and out of site out of mind.

I don't think it's respect or cowardice. They live in their own world and instantly move on until something goes wrong and they're instantly back!

[Waifed]

Hope you all have a great weekend guys.

I just have a curious question. I read a lot here on the boards that BPDs try to rub in to their ex's how great their new life is ect. Despite mine unblocking me on her social media I blocked her immediately so I honestly don't know if she was trying to make me see stuff. However at the nightclub I work at she used to come every two weeks even a year before we dated. But now I haven't seen her there since last Christmas. I wonder if this is respect on her part for knowing how much she hurt me or if she is just too cowardly to face me... .

I know it doesn't matter but I'm just curious. I'm guessing its the second option. Have you guys had any similar experience?

i would say mine is the same.  It is almost like she understands these types of boundaries. (maybe mimicking)  Unlike many, she almost never spoke badly about anyone, seemed empathetic towards others (not me), and she rarely badmouthed me or put me down.  It just wasn't her personality?  Maybe because she shares some Histronic personalities along with BPD, idk.

But yes, I do personally believe some BPD do have some since of respect whether it is learned from reading books or developed within them.  I also believe it has to do with their makeup of personality and various co morbidity.

[fromheeltoheal]

BPD is a shame based disorder.  I know with my borderline ex the thing that would trigger rage and devaluation the most was when I did or said something that caused her to feel ashamed, usually unintentionally, didn't realize it at the time, was too busy backpedaling from the rage, but it became clear later.  And the rage was a mask, one she might not have been consciously aware of, but when she was alone and quiet, the truth showed up, along with the shame.

I've also gotten feedback here from folks who see their ex after the split, and they say the predominant emotion displayed is shame towards them, even if they're off to the races with a new victim suitor.  So there you go, I say she's not showing up because she's ashamed, although she may not be aware of it, the thought of showing up just feels bad.

[maxen]

By all means vent all you need to you are around friends who care

  :'(  

[starshine]

BPD is a shame based disorder.  I know with my borderline ex the thing that would trigger rage and devaluation the most was when I did or said something that caused her to feel ashamed, usually unintentionally, didn't realize it at the time, was too busy backpedaling from the rage, but it became clear later. 

I was joking once about seeing my ex in a sexy biker black leather vest with a collar on, and he suggested he should get a tatoo to go along with it (he wasn't into tats- or black leather biker wear either, for the record) and I joked, no because then for sure people would know that he was a poser.  He flipped out at that, although not in the sense that he raged.  He wasn't a rager.  He would be offensive though.  Somehow being called a poser, even in a joke, was such a HUGE trigger for him.  He went back to that statement many, many times- "Oh, so you think I'm a poser?" and then I was back-pedaling, trying to placate him, sooth his unsoothable ego.

[fromheeltoheal]

Somehow being called a poser, even in a joke, was such a HUGE trigger for him.  He went back to that statement many, many times- "Oh, so you think I'm a poser?" and then I was back-pedaling, trying to placate him, sooth his unsoothable ego.

I say we're all posers, in the sense that we try and put forth what we want the world to see, usually transparent, and the more comfortable we are with ourselves, the less posing we think we need.  To a borderline, someone who doesn't like themselves at all, it's all pose, part of which is the mirroring they do to begin with; they're posing as us.

I've been there plenty too, trying to figure out who I needed to be in situations, not because I didn't like myself, but because I lacked the confidence to be who I am.  Proud to report that now at my advanced age IJDGAF.

[emotionaholic]

My ex and I each have a son from previous relationships who happen to be in the same class at school.  She has stopped walking her son to the door at school and never shows up when it is pick up time anymore.  Then the other day my son asks me ":)ad at grandparents day last week when I was walking to class BPDex looked at me and grabbed her sons hand and started pulling him quickly down the hall.  It was as if she did not want to see me.  I don't understand."  He has not mentioned anything about her since we had broken up back in May.  I did my best to explain to him that I think she knows that she messed up big time with me and that seeing him reminds her of what she threw away for nothing. 

So my answer at least for my BPDex is coward.  She still has a number of things here, Mt bike, snowboards, ski boots, and a box of her sons childhood memory stuff, that she has still after 4 months has not contacted me for. 

I do know that she feels bad about the things she does to people.  While we were in Belize in Feb she had gotten an email from her sister that she had not spoken to in 2 years.  Yes she did something to piss her sister into not talking to her.  I watched her read and re read that email a hundred times in a week befor she responded and then she was constantly checking and re checking her email for a response.  She hurts people uncontrollably, feels bad about it, runs away from them, but is sad and shameful the whole time.  Stupid horrible destructive illness!

[peas]

While we were in Belize in Feb she had gotten an email from her sister that she had not spoken to in 2 years.

My ex has a sister who he never spoke well of, other than he said she was good-looking, and he had no interest in her life. I never got to the bottom of that but I found it odd. I met his sister once and she seemed nice, normal. She appeared to have a good relationship with her and my ex's parents. My ex had a good relationship with his parents, or so it seemed because I only saw them all together on one occasion, but there was something weird about his animosity toward his sister. I asked him about it and he said she was a jerk to him and his friends growing up, which I thought was a lame excuse -- whose siblings aren't jerks to each other sometimes growing up?

I think he felt inferior to her, she was older by about three years, and she was academically successful, popular. But he gave her little credit for anything. My ex was the jock of the family and excelled in sports and he thought the family thought he was dumb. The one time I saw him and his sister in the same room it was a holiday dinner and he said two words to her the whole night. He never asked what she was up to in her life, who she was dating, how her job was going. He just kind of blanked her. I talked to her and liked her. He also didn't make much small talk with some of the other family guests. He wanted to eat and run. He was so weird that night. We had been dating about two months.

In my ex's mind, he thought he was a prince and would comment that his parents preferred him over his sister. I think he was deluded.