Day 19 of "no contact". Please encourage me to keep going.

[Candace30]

I've been off and on with my ex-bf for the past 3 years.  My friends think he is a narcissist but I think he is a BPD.  He does the whole push/pull, I don't need you or anyone else/don't leave me thing. 

I care for him but sadly I think I've fallen/am falling out of love with him.  Too much has happened over the last 3 years.  He's caused too much drama, put my heart through too much, and caused me too much pain.

I've never done anything to hurt him.  I've tried to be his best friend, and biggest cheerleader and supporter.  In return, I've gotten a LOT of silent treatments, stonewalling, constant put downs, and constant "testing" (him creating dramatic scenes to see if I would fight for the relationship or abandon him).  And over the years, instead of it getting better, it's gotten worse!  It seems the more I tell him I love him, the more he tries to come up with new and crazier ways to test me and undermine the relationship.

Of course it hasn't been all bad or else I wouldn't have been with him for 3 years.  There have been good times.  But sadly the bad has definitely outweighed the good.

We broke up this summer.  I went through a really tough time.  But then I picked myself up, moved on, started dating others, and rebuilding my life.  Right about the time when I got happy again, he reappeared!  He said he thought the breakup might have been a mistake.

So, we reconciled for about 2 weeks.  It was actually really nice.  I'd missed him and the time apart actually seemed to make the reconciliation that much sweeter. 

Until his attachment-avoidant, sabotaging ways resurfaced.  We weren't having any issues in those 2 weeks.  Things were good.  Until one night he asked me if I'd taken a look at his instagram profile.  His profile is public and he knows I used to view it often throughout our relationship.  When he asked me, he said it with kind of a smirk on his face.  The way he said it, I knew something was up.  The question was so random and so out of the blue.  He mentioned his instagram profile to me a couple of times that night with this half smirk/half sheepish expression on his face.  He was asking me like he WANTED me to go look.     

I decided that I wasn't going to look.  But a few days later curiosity got the best of me.  I took a look and saw that since we'd reconciled, he had posted a picture of himself out with another woman that he had dated when we were broken up.

My first reaction was one of anger.  I sent him a bunch of angry and emotional texts.  He didn't respond.

Then after I calmed down I decided to write him a letter.  The letter was actually very loving.  He and I have discussed that he has an illness.  I've talked to him about BPD and he agrees that he thinks he might have it.  But he hasn't said anything about wanting to go get treatment.  He thinks it will magically get better with time.  In the letter I told him how much I love him unconditionally and want to be with him.  But I also told him if we are going to make this work, I need him committed to working with me (he needs to get help) and I need him to have both feet in the relationship (he can't be going back and forth between me and other women).

That was 19 days ago and I haven't heard from him since.

My friends who don't know about BPD think that maybe he is "thinking" and will respond to me in time. 

But I don't think that's what is happening here.  I can't prove it, but I think he is doing all of this to get a reaction out of me.  I think he posted the picture to get a reaction.  And I think he's gone silent now to get a reaction.  Usually by now I would be calling and texting repeatedly, freaking out, and trying to figure out where his head is at.  That's been our pattern.  But this time I've gone just as silent as he has. 

I think I'm going to use this period of silence as a way of going "no contact".  Hopefully if and when he contacts me again, I will be strong enough to the point where I will be 100% over the relationship (I'm about 90% over it now) and I won't even care.

I felt myself getting a little curious today and almost caving in, but I want to keep going.

Please give me some words of encouragement to keep going. 

Thanks!

[Findingmysong723]

Make it Day 20!

[Learning_curve74]

Hey Candace30, sounds like you are being strong for yourself. Keep it up! 

From what you wrote, I think it is perfectly reasonable that you got angry and that you wrote him some angry texts about what he did. Then you wrote him a caring and honest letter that told him how much you love and care for him and what you want if the relationship was going to continue. If he can't be man enough to give you the simple courtesy of replying, what else left is there for you to say to him?

As you seem to know, the closer you get to a pwBPD, the more they push you away. It doesn't sound like an on-again, off-again relationship is what you want, right?

[Ironmanrises]

I've been off and on with my ex-bf for the past 3 years.  My friends think he is a narcissist but I think he is a BPD.  He does the whole push/pull, I don't need you or anyone else/don't leave me thing. 

I care for him but sadly I think I've fallen/am falling out of love with him.  Too much has happened over the last 3 years.  He's caused too much drama, put my heart through too much, and caused me too much pain.

I've never done anything to hurt him.  I've tried to be his best friend, and biggest cheerleader and supporter.  In return, I've gotten a LOT of silent treatments, stonewalling, constant put downs, and constant "testing" (him creating dramatic scenes to see if I would fight for the relationship or abandon him).  And over the years, instead of it getting better, it's gotten worse!  It seems the more I tell him I love him, the more he tries to come up with new and crazier ways to test me and undermine the relationship.

Of course it hasn't been all bad or else I wouldn't have been with him for 3 years.  There have been good times.  But sadly the bad has definitely outweighed the good.

We broke up this summer.  I went through a really tough time.  But then I picked myself up, moved on, started dating others, and rebuilding my life.  Right about the time when I got happy again, he reappeared!  He said he thought the breakup might have been a mistake.

So, we reconciled for about 2 weeks.  It was actually really nice.  I'd missed him and the time apart actually seemed to make the reconciliation that much sweeter. 

Until his attachment-avoidant, sabotaging ways resurfaced.  We weren't having any issues in those 2 weeks.  Things were good.  Until one night he asked me if I'd taken a look at his instagram profile.  His profile is public and he knows I used to view it often throughout our relationship.  When he asked me, he said it with kind of a smirk on his face.  The way he said it, I knew something was up.  The question was so random and so out of the blue.  He mentioned his instagram profile to me a couple of times that night with this half smirk/half sheepish expression on his face.  He was asking me like he WANTED me to go look.     

I decided that I wasn't going to look.  But a few days later curiosity got the best of me.  I took a look and saw that since we'd reconciled, he had posted a picture of himself out with another woman that he had dated when we were broken up.

My first reaction was one of anger.  I sent him a bunch of angry and emotional texts.  He didn't respond.

Then after I calmed down I decided to write him a letter.  The letter was actually very loving.  He and I have discussed that he has an illness.  I've talked to him about BPD and he agrees that he thinks he might have it.  But he hasn't said anything about wanting to go get treatment.  He thinks it will magically get better with time.  In the letter I told him how much I love him unconditionally and want to be with him.  But I also told him if we are going to make this work, I need him committed to working with me (he needs to get help) and I need him to have both feet in the relationship (he can't be going back and forth between me and other women).

That was 19 days ago and I haven't heard from him since.

My friends who don't know about BPD think that maybe he is "thinking" and will respond to me in time. 

But I don't think that's what is happening here.  I can't prove it, but I think he is doing all of this to get a reaction out of me.  I think he posted the picture to get a reaction.  And I think he's gone silent now to get a reaction.  Usually by now I would be calling and texting repeatedly, freaking out, and trying to figure out where his head is at.  That's been our pattern.  But this time I've gone just as silent as he has. 

I think I'm going to use this period of silence as a way of going "no contact".  Hopefully if and when he contacts me again, I will be strong enough to the point where I will be 100% over the relationship (I'm about 90% over it now) and I won't even care.

I felt myself getting a little curious today and almost caving in, but I want to keep going.

Please give me some words of encouragement to keep going. 

Thanks!

In bold.

That.

That is why you should keep going.

So you do not go back... .

To experiencing... .

That god awful behavior... .

You described.

I am so sorry you underwent that.

I feel your hurt.

NC is for you to have... .

A buffer to help heal... .

Away from the corrosive influence... .

Of the pwBPD.

Hang in there.

[Candace30]

If he can't be man enough to give you the simple courtesy of replying, what else left is there for you to say to him?

Absolutely Learning_Curve.  That's how I feel and why I've gone silent as well.  He's not being a man right now.  And sadly, he's not been a man throughout this entire relationship.  He's behaved like a tall, muscular child.

I absolutely need more.  I'm ready to start a family now.  What kind of foundation and life would this be for a child?

To me, this is a mixture of him being a 3 year old emotionally, fear, an attempt to solicit a reaction, and possibly even a deliberate attempt to hurt me for some perceived slight (perhaps my sending the angry text).

Whatever the case, I know what I need to do.  Just rallying the support I have around me to keep going!

[Accepting]

Me too... me too.   I'm missing my guy a heap. Something I saw today extra put thoughts of him in my mind n now I'm ruminaaating.

The thing I'm thinking though, is how I don't want to be 'here' again... in silence... .worse still, I don't want to be back at the start again - ie having spent the amazing perfect beautiful days connecting with him only to be hit by that wall of unexpected pain that is the sudden silence/pushing away... cos it WILL happen over n over til the end of time if I entertain re engaging with him.

It is so hard but break the cycle. I'm trying with all my heart to love myself enough to break away once and for all.

Good luck in your resolve. Stay strong.    

[Candace30]

Thank you Accepting, Ironmanfalls, and Findingmysong... .

[DragoN]

Candace30,

His behavior is idiotic. Pathetic really.

Would you really want someone like that to father your children?

Spend the rest of your life with?

I think I'm going to use this period of silence as a way of going "no contact".  Hopefully if and when he contacts me again, I will be strong enough to the point where I will be 100% over the relationship (I'm about 90% over it now) and I won't even care.

Block him. You are at 90%, push it to 100%.  



PD's cannot find peace within, so they stir up turmoil externally to feed their demons. Don't feed the demons.

Learn as much as you can about detachment, and practice it. It spares you great grief.

[winston72]

Hey Candace.  Thank you for your posts.  They are very thoughtful and clear.  You seem to have a good grasp of what is happening in your relationship and you are integrating your feelings into your interaction with your bf.  And the end result has been... .his withdrawal and silence.  That is quite disappointing and hurtful.

I know that my tendency in reaction to the silent treatment was to project my own feelings and desires onto my ex-gf.  Oddly, I filled the silence with positive possibilities!  Rather than drawing conclusions from the behavior, I let my own hopes come alive.   You do not seem to be doing this.  Bravo!

It does take quite a bit of time to find that last 10%.  The no contact mode offers some time for you to reflect and heal.  It feels odd at times, as it might be inconsistent with how we have previously behaved, but it is a discomfort that leads to good outcomes. 

Keep it up!

[winston72]

PS... .it is ridiculous that he has not yet responded to your letter!  Common courtesy and good manners would require a response, let alone a sense of value that he might/should have for your feelings.  His choice to not respond is a loud statement from him about how he values your feelings and how will continue to behave if you were ever to reconcile with him.

[fiddlestix]

Candace, it seems the gender does not matter when it comes to BPD.  My ex wife (diagnosed bipolar and BPD) showcased the same behaviors as your man.  Push/pull... .love you/want to be on my own... .etc... .  I am out of the whirlwind.  :)ivorce is in progress.  After many years of what was torment, occasionally relieved with brief periods of her affirming me and not cheating on me, I have walked.  It was the hardest thing I ever did.  She was threatening to leave, but never showed signs of actually leaving for months toward the end.  Finally, I pulled the plug and told her to go.  

Now, the challenging work of No Contact (or, very minimal, as we have a 14 year old).  It is hard, but worth it.  Her "spell" over me is slowly wearing off.  I am not even close to 90% over her, however.  Too many years of push/pull and betrayal have polluted my system.  

Candace, I assure you that No Contact is very beneficial.  :)on't try and figure out why he has not contacted you for 19 days; non of us really know, for sure, what goes through the mind of a pwBPD.  Who knows what he is thinking, planning, scheming, attempting... . He may not even know from one minute to the next.  That is the tragedy of BPD: a very unsettled, disordered, unhappy, distracted, tormented mind.    

But we "nons" need not be that way.  Away from the chaos and person with BPD, we can take a breath, try and clear our minds, and begin working on ourselves in a rational, nurturing way.  No hurry.  Gone are the days of frantic reactions, walking on eggshells and worrying about not upsetting him/her.  We can heal and move on; that option is there for us.  

Fiddle

[DragoN]

PS... .it is ridiculous that he has not yet responded to your letter!  Common courtesy and good manners would require a response, let alone a sense of value that he might/should have for your feelings.  His choice to not respond is a loud statement from him about how he values your feelings and how will continue to behave if you were ever to reconcile with him.

That is the main point. ^^^

He is not worth your time. So you don't give him yours. NC is part and parcel of protecting yourself from someone who cannot exert common decency. He has shown you who he truly is based in his inactions. There's nothing there.

You deserve far better than that 

[still_flying]

I absolutely need more.  I'm ready to start a family now.  What kind of foundation and life would this be for a child?

When you find yourself feeling like you can't do this, remember that. Remember that you want to have a life that can be a stable place for yourself and also for future children. If you're wondering what kind of life that would be for a child, look at some of the posts in the family member's section.

Look at this post about my story that outlines how even if the BPD parent is fairly functional, the trauma doled out can cause the child's sense of self-worth and healthy relationships to warp and distort to the point where they actively seek out unhealthy and even abusive relationships.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=211539.0

Most importantly though, think about yourself. You deserve better. This hit is damn hard, and you've done an amazing thing by getting through these fist 19 days. Like any addiction withdrawals, it's going to be ridiculously hard for a while. But one day you'll realize that you've been sober for a month. Before you know it, it'll be two months. And one day you'll be where I am and it'll have been almost a year you've resisted the urge to take responsibility for their safety, whims and emotions. And while it'll be a little bit heartbreaking even at that point, you'll be proud to have made it. And able to take care of yourself.

[maxen]

hi candace. the following might seem incredibly co-incidental, but it's true.

i am today on day 19 of NC with my stbxw (so one day behind you). twice this summer, since she walked out on one hour's notice, i have poured my heart out to her. her reaction the first time was to tell me that she read my note but wouldn't respond to it, and the second time she said she got it but wasn't going to read it.

so perhaps it will help to know that there is someone in a remarkably similar position who is also trying to maintain NC. one the one hand, it's hell, on the other hand, there's nothing else for it. each day we get a little closer to really understanding that we really can't have adult relationships with our SOs.

[yakki]

Hi Candace, I am in the storm right now and have been for the last week. We went on vacation for a week and it was a roller coaster from before we left, traveling to, while there, on the way home, and now the day after, I feel insane for even staying. I am 90% there too, and have been for a few months. We have only been together for about three years, I can't even imagine dealing with this for eight years. reading your story is giving me the courage I need to just let her go. She'll torment whoever she is with next too (not my business, I feel sorry for them already). I really need to just resolve inside, come what may, I will find a better life outside of this continual torment and turmoil. Nothing is worth the never ending stream of craziness and chaos, certainly not the few crumbs they brush off the table when they feel like it.

I wish you all the best.

[simplyasiam]

read my past post and where braking n/c will get you that sound the trick

[hopealways]

Hi Candace, I am in the storm right now and have been for the last week. We went on vacation for a week and it was a roller coaster from before we left, traveling to, while there, on the way home, and now the day after, I feel insane for even staying. I am 90% there too, and have been for a few months. We have only been together for about three years, I can't even imagine dealing with this for eight years. reading your story is giving me the courage I need to just let her go. She'll torment whoever she is with next too (not my business, I feel sorry for them already). I really need to just resolve inside, come what may, I will find a better life outside of this continual torment and turmoil. Nothing is worth the never ending stream of craziness and chaos, certainly not the few crumbs they brush off the table when they feel like it.

I wish you all the best.

WOW tell me about it: I couldn't even plan trips for fear that she would go nuts right before, cause a scene, leave, and I would be stuck with nonrefundable tickets.  And yes she will torment EVERYONE after you just like she did EVERYONE before you.

[Candace30]

I'm heading into Day 21 now.     Thank you to everyone who stopped to give me encouragement.

I will read posts from people who have children with BPD partners and people who have been with BPD's for many, many years.  That should give me a cold reality check whenever I need one... .

To those who mentioned going on trips with a BPD, I had similar experiences with my ex.  We took a trip together on our anniversary last year which was supposed to be really nice, which he completely ruined.

He started before the plane could even get up in the air good.  We spent the good part of our week together with him trying to push my buttons and get me to argue with him.  When I wouldn't argue with him, he just argued with himself.  I cried a ridiculous amount of times.  I kept trying to make the trip nice and he kept trying to sabotage my efforts and terrorize me.  By the time we boarded the plane to return, we weren't even speaking to each other.   

When we returned home he apologized for his behavior and said he didn't know why he acted the way he did.  He said this had been a pattern for him, and blamed his behavior on his poor relationship skills.

Yes, common decency/courtesy and a concern for my feelings would dictate that he should have responded to my letter by now.  But BPD's don't have common decency or courtesy.  They behave like very bad children.

My friend noted that perhaps him not responding is a blessing from God/the Universe.  At least it's given me an opportunity to go into no contact.

The longer he stays away, the easier this will be for me... .

[chuckstrong]

yaaaaaaaaaaaay Candace!... .You got this--- please keep going!

... .I have been on his site for well over 1 year and I have struggled mightily trying desperately detach from a person who has put me thru the wringer to say the least... .push/pull up/down rollercoaster since last Sept 1 when she broke up with me(for the third time) via email... .13 days NC is the longest we have ever made it... .Im 2 days NC now as I sent her a pathetic "are you okay just let me know" text on Saturday... .This was after the previous Saturday her calling me on he phone sweet as pie (even put her daughter on age 10 to talk to me). I hung up after our encouraging awesome sweet chat and I havent heard a word since... .

I texted her 3 or 4 times over the past week ZERO response... .no rhyme no reason... .just SILENCE... .it hurts alot and its SO disrespectful and selfish but I really think its truly a blessing in disguise... .I even called her Saturday night at 11PM no answer.

THATS IT! I have been thru so much with her the past two years I can't even begin to tell you the whole story---(you can read my old posts)... .but its the same thing over and over and over and is exactly like all the stories Ive read here reapeatedly... .it's like they all have the same playbook ----its sick... .

NO MORE!

For my health and sanity... .Im deleting the " I dont understand ---are you okay" email I was planning to send her today... .every second I waste on trying to get something back that was never really there is a second too many... .we can do this Candace... .yes we can! keep going!

... .CHUCK (getting stronger!)

[chuckstrong]

hi Candice

checking in... .hope you are okay and doing well in day 22... .you got this!

Chuck

[Candace30]

Thanks for checking up on me Chuck!  How are you doing with your no contact?  That's so bizarre that she went silent, but it also lets you know that her behavior has absolutely NOTHING to do with you.

I thought to check his social media page to see if he is ok or send him an email.  But that is what he wants me to do!  I can't fall into the trap because if I do, nothing will change.  We might be fine for a while.  Until the next hurt/betrayal, which I'm sure will be even worse.  He's been escalating the ways he comes up with to hurt me over the past 3 years.  So I'm sure if I go back he'll find a way to "top" what he's done in the past.  So I have to keep walking forward. 

[waitaminute]

Candace30,

If you have decided to end it, keep going. Don't feel guilty. You need to survive. Let him find another who will let him act that way.

My experience is that I tried to be friends after saying goodbye. Didn't work. I got love mail. I got hate mail. And everything in between. Made me feel guilty for abandoning her. Fortunately, my current significant other (ex wife who left because of my unwillingness to abandon the BPD friend) said to stop all contact.  Even passive reading of her emails  so I did. Even though its been a year since I last saw the BPD, I still think about the whole experience and her every day. Don't want to go back... but I think about her. You have a long road ahead of you. But stick with it.