I Was Her Safe Harbor

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

For years, I kept taking her back.  She would stray, sleep around, dabble in drugs, booze, sex with strange men (and a friend or two), lose jobs, steal, fight with family... .   And I would forgive and take her back.  She would say she is sorry, vow to try harder, and things would be ok for a while.  But the length of those "ok periods" grew shorter.  Before long I would discover another infidelity. My heart would break, she would say I am clingy and needy. She would degrade me, blame me, say she no longer felt close to me.  Then, the cycle would reboot.  I was clingy, codependent, a bit spineless... .  And she knew it.  I think she lost respect for me because I was so codependent. 

Yet, she would sometimes say she did not deserve me, that I was so kind and forgiving, that she loved me... .  Which was it? Was I too codependent?  Or did she really value that I was forgiving?  I confess my fear of abandonment.  I was afraid of her leaving.  I was terrified of our marriage breaking up, our family disintegrating (same thing I feared in my alcoholic childhood home).  I reacted like a frightened child whenever she hurt me.  I have much growing up to do. 

My wife knew I would always take her back.  I proved it over and over.  Thus I provided a safe harbor to which she could always return.  In fact, the night I caught her with one of her "boyfriends," she came home and started playing computer games.  If I had let it go, she may still be here.  But I had had enough. No more safe harbor.  I told her to leave.  It took her several hours to pack a few things to go to her boyfriend's.  A friend of mine said she was stalling, expecting me to give in and say, "Oh okay, you can stay."  But I didn't.  It still hurts like heck, but I have stuck to my guns.  No Contact is helping me get strong. 

Fiddle

[fiddlestix]

For years, I kept taking her back.  She would stray, sleep around, dabble in drugs, booze, sex with strange men (and a friend or two), lose jobs, steal, fight with family... .   And I would forgive and take her back.  She would say she is sorry, vow to try harder, and things would be ok for a while.  But the length of those "ok periods" grew shorter.  Before long I would discover another infidelity. My heart would break, she would say I am clingy and needy. She would degrade me, blame me, say she no longer felt close to me.  Then, the cycle would reboot.  I was clingy, codependent, a bit spineless... .  And she knew it.  I think she lost respect for me because I was so codependent. 

Yet, she would sometimes say she did not deserve me, that I was so kind and forgiving, that she loved me... .  Which was it? Was I too codependent?  Or did she really value that I was forgiving?  I confess my fear of abandonment.  I was afraid of her leaving.  I was terrified of our marriage breaking up, our family disintegrating (same thing I feared in my alcoholic childhood home).  I reacted like a frightened child whenever she hurt me.  I have much growing up to do. 

My wife knew I would always take her back.  I proved it over and over.  Thus I provided a safe harbor to which she could always return.  In fact, the night I caught her with one of her "boyfriends," she came home and started playing computer games.  If I had let it go, she may still be here.  But I had had enough. No more safe harbor.  I told her to leave.  It took her several hours to pack a few things to go to her boyfriend's.  A friend of mine said she was stalling, expecting me to give in and say, "Oh okay, you can stay."  But I didn't.  It still hurts like heck, but I have stuck to my guns.  No Contact is helping me get strong. 

Fiddle

[ucmeicu2]

For years, I kept taking her back.  She would stray, sleep around, dabble in drugs, booze, sex with strange men (and a friend or two), lose jobs, steal, fight with family... .   And I would forgive and take her back.  <cut> I was clingy, codependent, a bit spineless... . <cut>

My wife knew I would always take her back.  I proved it over and over.  Thus I provided a safe harbor to which she could always return.  In fact, the night I caught her with one of her "boyfriends," she came home and started playing computer games.  If I had let it go, she may still be here.  But I had had enough. No more safe harbor.  I told her to leave.  It took her several hours to pack a few things to go to her boyfriend's.  A friend of mine said she was stalling, expecting me to give in and say, "Oh okay, you can stay."  But I didn't.  It still hurts like heck, but I have stuck to my guns.  No Contact is helping me get strong. 

hi, sorry if you've mentioned this before, i don't know your whole story but i am curious b/c i have a hard time with boundaries too.  before you kicked her out did you set a limit and tell her that if she did 'x, y, or z" again what the consequences would be?  for example, "cheating is now a deal breaker and if you do it again you will have to pack your bags, leave immediately, and i will divorce you"?   or did you put up with it for so long that you just couldn't take it any more and kicked her out without warning?

i'm curious how many of us Nons struggle with setting and maintaining healthy boundaries (like me) and also how the pwBPD react with healthy firm boundaries in place vs none in place at all.  god knows i failed just about everytime i tried.

icu2

[peas]

You say your wife lost respect for you because you were too clingy, codependent and spineless. You also lost respect for you because you were clingy, codependent and spineless.

Your fears may have ruled you for too long, but they have not ruled you forever. Sure, it took years, but the night you told your wife to leave something in you, maybe a survival instinct, decided you were too important to let your wife continue hurting you.

You are going through a big adjustment, which brings a different set of fears, but it's toward a better direction.

[imstronghere2]

I think she lost respect for me because I was so codependent. 

Yet, she would sometimes say she did not deserve me, that I was so kind and forgiving, that she loved me... . 

I confess my fear of abandonment.  I was afraid of her leaving.  I was terrified of our marriage breaking up, our family disintegrating   I reacted like a frightened child whenever she hurt me.  I have much growing up to do. 

These statements were my experience with my exwBPD and me exactly.  I don't think we should care about their loss of respect for us because quite honestly, I don't really believe they had all that much respect for us to begin with.  We were prey.  I believe they lost any respect they may have had for us the moment we said "I do".

They don't deserve us.  Not in the slightest.  We have an enormous amount of value because we are kind and forgiving and don't you EVER forget that!

All I ever wanted was a nuclear family.  The type of family I never had, where we all ate together, laughed together, did things together and brother, I tried as hard as any man could to have that but guess what?  It takes at least SOME effort on their part to contribute to that and THAT just isn't going to happen.  I clung on to the HOPE and the DREAM that it would become that some day, right up to where she walked out on all of us.  Ugh.  What a waste.

We all talk about setting boundaries.  WTH should anyone have to explicitly say to their spouse "IF you cheat, it's over"?  Remember the vows we all took?  THAT'S when we said it AND we professed that in front of witnesses.   My exwBPD and I first got married at the courthouse.  Then a few months later we had a small wedding ceremony at a church to appease my parents.  Then 6 years later we had an ordained friend come over to the house to renew our vows so that our young daughter could be a part of it.  So, three times over those vows were said.  If that isn't setting boundaries, I don't know what is but THEY DON'T CARE about words OR boundaries YOU have.  You could have woke up every day and told them your boundaries and it wouldn't have made a damn bit of difference.  They'd still do whatever the hell they wanted to do regardless. 

So, let yourself up off the mat.  You got your life and your honor back the day she finally left.  You'll learn to live with the pain.  It's not so much about growing up as it is about growing stronger.

[DragoN]

We all talk about setting boundaries.  WTH should anyone have to explicitly say to their spouse "IF you cheat, it's over"?  Remember the vows we all took?  THAT'S when we said it AND we professed that in front of witnesses.   My exwBPD and I first got married at the courthouse.  Then a few months later we had a small wedding ceremony at a church to appease my parents.  Then 6 years later we had an ordained friend come over to the house to renew our vows so that our young daughter could be a part of it.  So, three times over those vows were said.  If that isn't setting boundaries, I don't know what is but THEY DON'T CARE about words OR boundaries YOU have.  You could have woke up every day and told them your boundaries and it wouldn't have made a damn bit of difference.  They'd still do whatever the hell they wanted to do regardless.

So, let yourself up off the mat.  You got your life and your honor back the day she finally left.  You'll learn to live with the pain.  It's not so much about growing up as it is about growing stronger.

Nicely stated. You'd think it was a little obvious. But No. Not to them. Ethics and moral codes of conduct? Promises? No meaning. They only get better at hiding it.

Fiddlestix sorry that you ever went through that.   

[maxen]

WTH should anyone have to explicitly say to their spouse "IF you cheat, it's over"?  Remember the vows we all took?  THAT'S when we said it AND we professed that in front of witnesses.

and, if you think like i do, in front of god. and when i faced her with it, she literally shrugged. i have to remember such sordidness to help get over her.

[HarmKrakow]

For years, I kept taking her back.  She would stray, sleep around, dabble in drugs, booze, sex with strange men (and a friend or two),

I assume they are not friends anymore... .

[Octoberfest]

Some VERY good realizations and points made in this thread.

For years, I kept taking her back.  She would stray, sleep around, dabble in drugs, booze, sex with strange men (and a friend or two), lose jobs, steal, fight with family... .   And I would forgive and take her back.  She would say she is sorry, vow to try harder, and things would be ok for a while.  But the length of those "ok periods" grew shorter.  Before long I would discover another infidelity. My heart would break, she would say I am clingy and needy. She would degrade me, blame me, say she no longer felt close to me.  Then, the cycle would reboot.  I was clingy, codependent, a bit spineless... .  And she knew it.  I think she lost respect for me because I was so codependent. 

Yet, she would sometimes say she did not deserve me, that I was so kind and forgiving, that she loved me... .  Which was it? Was I too codependent?  Or did she really value that I was forgiving?  I confess my fear of abandonment.  I was afraid of her leaving.  I was terrified of our marriage breaking up, our family disintegrating (same thing I feared in my alcoholic childhood home).  I reacted like a frightened child whenever she hurt me.  I have much growing up to do. 

My wife knew I would always take her back.  I proved it over and over.  Thus I provided a safe harbor to which she could always return.  In fact, the night I caught her with one of her "boyfriends," she came home and started playing computer games.  If I had let it go, she may still be here.  But I had had enough. No more safe harbor.  I told her to leave.  It took her several hours to pack a few things to go to her boyfriend's.  A friend of mine said she was stalling, expecting me to give in and say, "Oh okay, you can stay."  But I didn't.  It still hurts like heck, but I have stuck to my guns.  No Contact is helping me get strong. 

Fiddle

Fiddle, I identify a lot with you, even thought you had it worse than I did. After every indiscretion of my BPDex, after every time I caught her cheating, lying, etc, my brain went into the "How do I rationalize this and make it OK" mode.  The thought of "this is the last straw" didn't enter my mind for the longest time... .and when it did, it happened much like it did for you, which peas commented on so eloquently:

Your fears may have ruled you for too long, but they have not ruled you forever. Sure, it took years, but the night you told your wife to leave, something in you, maybe a survival instinct, decided you were too important to let your wife continue hurting you.

I would describe it exactly like that.  It became a matter of my own health and sanity... .and it broke my heart to walk away because I felt like I was being selfish and "saving myself" and hanging her out to dry.

I think she lost respect for me because I was so codependent. 

Yet, she would sometimes say she did not deserve me, that I was so kind and forgiving, that she loved me... .

I confess my fear of abandonment.  I was afraid of her leaving.  I was terrified of our marriage breaking up, our family disintegrating   I reacted like a frightened child whenever she hurt me.  I have much growing up to do. 

These statements were my experience with my exwBPD and me exactly.  I don't think we should care about their loss of respect for us because quite honestly, I don't really believe they had all that much respect for us to begin with.  We were prey.  I believe they lost any respect they may have had for us the moment we said "I do".

They don't deserve us.  Not in the slightest.  We have an enormous amount of value because we are kind and forgiving and don't you EVER forget that!

All I ever wanted was a nuclear family.  The type of family I never had, where we all ate together, laughed together, did things together and brother, I tried as hard as any man could to have that but guess what?  It takes at least SOME effort on their part to contribute to that and THAT just isn't going to happen.  I clung on to the HOPE and the DREAM that it would become that some day, right up to where she walked out on all of us.  Ugh.  What a waste.

We all talk about setting boundaries.  WTH should anyone have to explicitly say to their spouse "IF you cheat, it's over"?  Remember the vows we all took?  THAT'S when we said it AND we professed that in front of witnesses.   My exwBPD and I first got married at the courthouse.  Then a few months later we had a small wedding ceremony at a church to appease my parents.  Then 6 years later we had an ordained friend come over to the house to renew our vows so that our young daughter could be a part of it.  So, three times over those vows were said.  If that isn't setting boundaries, I don't know what is but THEY DON'T CARE about words OR boundaries YOU have.  You could have woke up every day and told them your boundaries and it wouldn't have made a damn bit of difference.  They'd still do whatever the hell they wanted to do regardless. 

So, let yourself up off the mat.  You got your life and your honor back the day she finally left. You'll learn to live with the pain.  It's not so much about growing up as it is about growing stronger.

I could have highlighted a lot more in that post... .Wow.  But the parts that I did highlight brought tears to my eyes, and I am over 5 months out of my BPD relationship and doing worlds better.  I would highly encourage everyone who read this thread to read and then reread Imstronghere2's post. 

[DragoN]

All that too ^^^ 

Fiddlestix,

We are their "safe harbors" why? I have pondered that one for years. The choice was a 2 way street, and in my case my partner went to the extremes to win me over, then the abuse started. That is the point where it lands on my head. Boundaries. I allowed them to collapse. My circumstances were a bit unique, but that I knew my boundaries, was not. Regardless, depending on each pwBPD and their core wounds we suffer in our existence Safe Harbor, but they will destroy it eventually. We have wounds of our own that a BPD r/s will force to the surface of awareness.[ not true for everyone, each person is different, some are co dep]  Those we can heal. BPD can heal a great deal of theirs as well, if they chose to. But denial is a powerful force that protects their awareness from toxic shame.

What was it that drew us to our mates?

Why did we stay as long as we did ?

At what point, was Enough is Enough?

Why did I not love myself more than him?

Actions speak louder than words. Look Only at the Actions. When the words and actions are not in alignment? What is the conclusion? Would anyone here do business with a person that acted in a false manner? Doubtful. We are very concerned about our hard earned cash. But we are not similarly careful and respectful of our hearts and emotions.

Marsha Linehan? The founder of DBT, she is / was BPD.  BPD are Aware. Were they not? They would be locked up in a mental institution. They choose Not to control themselves. Cheating? That requires a great deal of planning and effort. It's not 'accidental.'



We can learn about ourselves in such great depth. It's a beautiful and painful gift at the end of the agony. We can do it, because we are willing to accept Responsibility for our choices and actions. Acceptance that we allowed such disordered people into our lives. That's ok. But we don't need to keep them. They leave, or we leave.



If you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to. If you are not afraid of dying, there is nothing you cannot achieve.

Lao Tzu

They dying is not literal. It is the rebirth in the now which is excruciatingly painful. An emotionally and mentally stronger  Me/ You.  

Oracle of Delphi : Know thyself.  Extremely powerful and simple.

BPD/ NPD they have No self.

[fiddlestix]

Thank you all, for the wise and compassionate insight  

I did try to set boundaries.  After countless acts of infidelity I announced that one more time would be a "deal breaker."  I just hoped she would not do it because I was never confident that I could uphold that boundary.  And when she did it again I caved.  It was all just so murky and painful.  I was in the FOG.  She could dominate a conversation and I would end up feeling as if I had somehow caused her to act out.  This awful dance was off and on for about 12 years (we were together 25). 

She could be so contrite and I would want to believe her.  I could not resist her when she was sweet and apologetic.  She played into my natural kindness.  She would sometimes act like she was done with me... .then other times seem terrified that I would divorce her.  This was before I had ever heard of BPD (but she knew about it; she is a therapist).  I felt insane, like I was living in an alternate universe.  I lived in survival mode. 

I agree with the above post that our wedding vows should have implied, no, INSISTED, on fidelity.  We had a lovely church wedding.  And, several years later renewed our vows in church again.  But my wife became more and more ill (there were always issues, but I accepted them) as we approached middle age (we are both 47).  The adultery began about 14 years in.  Then the drinking and drug relapses... .  What a mess. 

Harm... .  you wondered if I was still friends to those with whom she cheated.  One of them is still a dear friend.  He was in the midst of very severe drug and alcohol struggles.  The incident happened one night when they were both in the throes of a binge.  He has since apologized, gotten clean and sober and is doing great healing work.  We are very close.  In fact, I believe she stalked him, which was a common thing with her. 

I am still hurting, but I think on the right path.  I am no longer being abused and betrayed; that has to be the right path. 

Fiddle

[Ironmanrises]

For years, I kept taking her back.  She would stray, sleep around, dabble in drugs, booze, sex with strange men (and a friend or two), lose jobs, steal, fight with family... .  And I would forgive and take her back.  She would say she is sorry, vow to try harder, and things would be ok for a while.  But the length of those "ok periods" grew shorter.  Before long I would discover another infidelity. My heart would break, she would say I am clingy and needy. She would degrade me, blame me, say she no longer felt close to me.  Then, the cycle would reboot.  I was clingy, codependent, a bit spineless... . And she knew it.  I think she lost respect for me because I was so codependent.  

Yet, she would sometimes say she did not deserve me, that I was so kind and forgiving, that she loved me... . Which was it? Was I too codependent?  Or did she really value that I was forgiving?  I confess my fear of abandonment.  I was afraid of her leaving.  I was terrified of our marriage breaking up, our family disintegrating (same thing I feared in my alcoholic childhood home).  I reacted like a frightened child whenever she hurt me.  I have much growing up to do.  

My wife knew I would always take her back.  I proved it over and over.  Thus I provided a safe harbor to which she could always return. In fact, the night I caught her with one of her "boyfriends," she came home and started playing computer games.  If I had let it go, she may still be here.  But I had had enough. No more safe harbor.  I told her to leave.  It took her several hours to pack a few things to go to her boyfriend's.  A friend of mine said she was stalling, expecting me to give in and say, "Oh okay, you can stay."  But I didn't.  It still hurts like heck, but I have stuck to my guns.  No Contact is helping me get strong.  

Fiddle

In bold.

I know exactly what you mean Fiddle.

My exUBDgf... .

Told me the same exact words... .

When she returned to me... .

In round 2.

She said... .

"Ironmanfalls... .

You are my rock... .

Within my storm... ."

She meant those words... .

Literally.

I was her safe harbor.

But true to her disorder... .

The storm... .

That she described herself to me... .

Of which... .

Was only a matter of time away.

Those words lasted... .

From point A... .

To point B.

Point A... .

The day i let her return... .

To me... .

Her safe harbor... .

Her rock.

Point B... .

The day she was triggered.

That day... .

The storm within her mind... .

Triggered... .

A tsunami wave... .

Months out... .

On the horizon... .

That was inbound... .

And targeted... .

Only at me... .

Her once... .

Safe harbor.

I watched... .

Powerlessly... .

As i saw... .

The glimpse... .

Of that tsunami wave... .

As it appeared... .

Far out in the horizon... .

And i watched it... .

Come closer... .

And closer... .

Powerless... .

And transfixed... .

At the horror... .

That was inbound... .

At me... .

Her safe harbor... .

And it came... .

As expected... .

And destroyed... .

Everything... .

Me.

And only... .

Me.

That once safe harbor.

That is all that was left... .

In its wake.

A lot of repairs... .

Are in the process.