Dumped today by text message

[butterfly141]

My BPD BF dumped me by text today " Hey I think we need to talk I think it is best if we are just friends. What you did to me has really killed me and us and I really need to be on my own and single. I'm going to lose my job if I keep having the mess up head I have everyday with this all going on. Maybe we can talk later"... .what he doesn't know is that I am fully aware of someone else he will never can never be single it is just him, as he said to me he goes from one bhit to another, I replied talk to you later how do I get on life after eight years his reply was "we can still be good friends"

so now the question is if he wants it over then why remain "good friends" and why not tell me about the other girl make out to me he wants to be "on his own & single" 

[HarmKrakow]

My BPD BF dumped me by text today " Hey I think we need to talk I think it is best if we are just friends. What you did to me has really killed me and us and I really need to be on my own and single. I'm going to lose my job if I keep having the mess up head I have everyday with this all going on. Maybe we can talk later"... .what he doesn't know is that I am fully aware of someone else he will never can never be single it is just him, as he said to me he goes from one bhit to another, I replied talk to you later how do I get on life after eight years his reply was "we can still be good friends"

so now the question is if he wants it over then why remain "good friends" and why not tell me about the other girl make out to me he wants to be "on his own & single" 

Why not wish him good luck with the new girl? (Insert random swear words)... :D ?

[Century2012]

Ouch! Be friends with someone he "dumps" you via text? Hugs to you.

[LostSunshine]

That's easy. To keep you close for the opportunity to recycle you later. They can't stand the thought of you hating them at any point so if you remain friends, the possibility of attaching himself to you once again down the line remains.  Protect yourself and remain vigilant in your boundaries.

[DragoN]

butterfly141 

Sorry that you are in the pain pit. Read your intro. This character is really 

As Lost Sunshine stated, he will try to recycle, more than likely when his new supply kicks him to the curb. Nothing you can do about him, but heal. Learn about the PD behaviors so that you don't go down that rabbit hole again.

8 years is a long time. It's going to hurt a while.

[butterfly141]

Recycle me? but he said that my actions has killed "US" in his text if its over its over... .oh this is so confusing he must think this other girl is a better offer makes me feel great... .NOT

[DragoN]

If he's a BPD or NPD, they tend to play true to form. Back ups are strewn behind their butts. Multiple masks/ faces on FB, dating sites, what have you.


NO contact. Shut down all avenues of communication and get busy with your life. Learn about the disorders so you don't make the same mistake.

Hope he runs into a sociopath in his near future. 

[HarmKrakow]

Recycle me? but he said that my actions has killed "US" in his text if its over its over... .oh this is so confusing he must think this other girl is a better offer makes me feel great... .NOT

Well, in his defense.

Breaking up is per definition always difficult. And there is never a true moment where something has 'truly' killed a bond or not.

[DragoN]

And there is never a true moment where something has 'truly' killed a bond or not.

There is to a strong degree. Depends on your boundaries. You may not wish them ill, but you may wish them nothing whatsoever after a certain point, but to stay as far away as from you as possible. Cheating on me? R/S is dead in the water right there. Out of my life. I can't look at him the same way again. Bond is broken. Terminally.

I may 'care', but I care about the bird with a broken wing in the park more. It's relative. When a human being chooses to act in a gutless manner? They will be stepped over. Life goes on.

The manner in which this bugger has treated Butterfly141 is completely unacceptable. He "devalued" / deselected himself from the pleasure of being in her life, as I call it.

NO Contact.

[HarmKrakow]

And there is never a true moment where something has 'truly' killed a bond or not.

There is to a strong degree. Depends on your boundaries. You may not wish them ill, but you may wish them nothing whatsoever after a certain point, but to stay as far away as from you as possible. Cheating on me? R/S is dead in the water right there. Out of my life. I can't look at him the same way again. Bond is broken. Terminally.

I may 'care', but I care about the bird with a broken wing in the park more. It's relative. When a human being chooses to act in a gutless manner? They will be stepped over. Life goes on.

The manner in which this bugger has treated Butterfly141 is completely unacceptable. He "devalued" / deselected himself from the pleasure of being in her life, as I call it.

For me, boundaries like that, are too strict.

Killing, stealing, crime, whatever would be a no-go out of my life within an instant.

Cheating? People are not meant to be with 1 single partner for the rest of their life (Jorge Bucay... ) That does not condone cheating, but it does mean that communication is ridiculously important. Cheating can often be prevented by having talked about each others problems... The cheating as in, "I got drunk, high, and wanted to get laid" fall of course in the line of, bye bye, never want to see you again. Because that's stupidity, and that's something I don't condone

Even if it is a boundary. Should you throw a mother in jail, who killed a person who raped and murdered her 3 young children? I'm not saying YES or NO, i'm purely saying that keeping strict boundaries is questionable. I for example, I don't have boundaries. I let everyone in who wants to get in. If I don't like it or I feel being used, they can go ___ off. But i'm not going back to the process of months and months building up something and then still being ___ed over after.

[DragoN]

*My* Boundaries are non negotiable. Cheat and Good bye. Simple and clean.

I don't waste too much thought on it.

He can do whatever he wants. But not with me.  



He will have deselected himself from my existence and good riddance

I for example, I don't have boundaries. I let everyone in who wants to get in. If I don't like it or I feel being used, they can go ___ off. But i'm not going back to the process of months and months building up something and then still being ___ed over after.

How's that working for you?

[HarmKrakow]

*My* Boundaries are non negotiable. Cheat and Good bye. Simple and clean.

I don't waste too much thought on it.

He can do whatever he wants. But not with me.  



He will have deselected himself from my existence and good riddance

I for example, I don't have boundaries. I let everyone in who wants to get in. If I don't like it or I feel being used, they can go ___ off. But i'm not going back to the process of months and months building up something and then still being ___ed over after.

How's that working for you?

Good, actually very good. I've had it with the belief in 'building up a true friendschip/relationship' over months and months where you slowly build up to something and then still get ___ed over. I lay all my cards on the table on meeting 1. You like it? Awesome, welcome, you ___ with me? Bye bye, but I am very reasonable.

I had friends who after months or years being in a friendship, confessed for example that they cut themselves when they were younger, and then *poof* friendship was gone. Nice man, all that building up and thinking of something special. The only thing that counts is the here and now. Effectively, there is no past and future, only 'now'.

Bonds can be broken within in instant, even after 10 years of being together. I am not taking it slow on that level anymore. Things change, people change, life changes.

Keep in mind that me keeping all my boundaries open, doesn't mean that I let everyone piss and walk over me. Because I don't. If I feel used, If I feel betrayed, I mention that. And is it working out? Yes, because now I get easier people in and around my life. And I can sort of pick who and what I want rather than closing all my doors and effectively might scare other persons who want to enter my life.

[DragoN]

Good, actually very good. I've had it with the belief in 'building up a true friendschip/relationship' over months and months where you slowly build up to something and then still get ___ed over. I lay all my cards on the table on meeting 1. You like it? Awesome, welcome, you ___ with me? Bye bye, but I am very reasonable.

Not bad, I am reasonable as well. Cheat on me? Light your back end on fire and set course for the center of the sun. 

The only thing that counts is the here and now. Effectively, there is no past and future, only 'now'.

Nope... .that's a tad PD for me. Not going there.

Relationships require Time. What I want?  Something much deeper than that continual flux of PD malarkey and lack of core values, moral and ethics. The sort that changes with the wind with a lack of center. Had enough of that mentality to last me 10 life times.

Bonds can be broken within in instant, even after 10 years of being together. I am not taking it slow on that level anymore. Things change, people change, life changes.

Betrayal has nasty effects on people doesn't it? I am not willing to pay for the errors of others in my future. Nor would I choose to disrespect my future partner with something amorphous. Know what you want.  If not? Get lost.

[HarmKrakow]

The only thing that counts is the here and now. Effectively, there is no past and future, only 'now'.

Nope... .that's a tad PD for me. Not going there.

Relationships require Time. What I want?  Something much deeper than that continual flux of PD malarkey and lack of core values, moral and ethics. The sort that changes with the wind with a lack of center. Had enough of that mentality to last me 10 life times.

Bonds can be broken within in instant, even after 10 years of being together. I am not taking it slow on that level anymore. Things change, people change, life changes.

Betrayal has nasty effects on people doesn't it? I am not willing to pay for the errors of others in my future. Nor would I choose to disrespect my future partner with something amorphous. Know what you want.  If not? Get lost.

Relationships require time? Awesome, it takes forever to build up a long bond, because you take it slow, by time, a little bit day by day. I'm to old to build something  up slowly. You say one wrong thing and *poof*, like that movie Harry Snotter, gone is the bond. Whether that trust has been build over 5 or 10 years, or 5 or 10 months, a boundary is a boundary and broken is broken. A deep relationship doesn't require a lot of time. Put yourself up with a complete stranger for 2 months on a deserted island and you might know that person as well as the someone you have known for 5 years in your normal daily life routine. It's how about you spend the time, not how long you have spent time together.

Btw, 'only the here and now counts', and the past and the future basically doesn't exist relates to Zen/Buddhism and not to personality disorders :D.

[DragoN]

You are 27 or not? That's spring chicken territory.

You say one wrong thing and *poof*, like that movie Harry Snotter, gone is the bond.

I said: Cheating. That's GAME OVER. Good bye and don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya. I will not want to see his face again. This is a fact. It's happened once before , he stalked me, wanted me back the whole nine yards. Over. Second time was my partner with proof and the marriage died. Right there. Exit strategy was being implemented in earnest.

Future? No marriage. Will not make that error again.

You can live your life how you want. I will live mine my way. And the man in my life will respect what the words Bond, Love, Trust, Respect, Intimacy mean to Me and He. And should he screw around... .Good bye  

And similarly if I were to screw around. I don't require external validation to feed my sense of self worth or self esteem. I would hope that my mate and I are capable of appealing to each other on a sexual level that would be mutually satisfying and sacred to the relationship.

I am not signing on to any bogus open relationship garbage.

My future man? He will not be one to like to share his wife with others. I am very old world in this. Fortunately, many men are too. I have a large pool of males to choose from in my age range that are past the instant gratification phase and more interested in someone to connect with.

[snappafcw]

My Ex dumped me by text.

I pleaded with her at the time to let me ring her and at least talk about it like adults... .She said no she can't because she will freeze up and break down and can't handle her feelings ect... .

Was all about her. Didn't give a damn about what she did to me.

[DragoN]

Was all about her. Didn't give a damn about what she did to me.

[HarmKrakow]

You are 27 or not? That's spring chicken territory.

You can live your life how you want. I will live mine my way. And a man in my life will respect what the words Bond, Love, Trust, Respect, Intimacy mean to Me and He. And should he screw around... .Good bye 

And similarly if I were to screw around. I don't require external validation to feed my sense of self worth or self esteem. I would hope that my mate and I are capable of appealing to each other on a sexual level that would be mutually satisfying and sacred to the relationship.

I am not signing on to any bogus open relationship garbage.

My future man? He will not be one to like to share his wife with others. I am very old world in this. Fortunately, many men are too. I have a large pool of males to choose from in my age range that are past the instant gratification phase and more interested in someone to connect with.

I fully agree with everything you say besides the chicken comment. I'm not open to "open relationships" either and also consider that garbage.

[heartandwhole]

Hi butterfly141,

I'm so sorry about the breakup by text message, that is really painful.      Several of my shocking "about-faces" happened by email, which was very hurtful for me.

Your partner wanting to break up but remain friends is fairly common on these boards.  A pwBPD has a great fear of losing his/her partner, and at the same time feels engulfed and is compelled to push the partner away.  This behavior seems irrational to us, but unfortunately, it's part of the coping strategies that help the pwBPD cope with relationships.  BPD is a serious mental illness.

butterfly141, you have been through a lot.  Do you have supportive friends and/or family whom you can turn to?  It's important to take good care of yourself.

Keep posting.  We're here for you. 

[Confusedandhurt]

Hi Butterfly,

My heart goes out to you.  My ex dumped me via text after 4.5 years together, saying, "I need to move on.  But remember that I'll always love you".  Yeah, right!  Most pwBPDs I have heard of are cowards and don't really care about anyone but themselves.  My ex then continued to contact me off and on for the next year, but only when she wanted something from me;  a recipe, a job reference, help with her sister's cancer... .  It really told me a lot about how important I was to her.

I'm sure you're hurting after being together with him for so long.  And the way it happened was even more hurtful.  pwBPD are notorious for leaving us with no closure.  Please know that there are many people on this board who understand your pain and want to support you.  You have friends here!

Take good care... .

C&H

[Confusedandhurt]

Butterfly,

I forgot to answer your question.  One of the many things I have learned on this board is that pwBPD are almost incapable of being true friends.  While it occasionally happens, it's the exception rather than the rule.  The reason is they are filled with toxic shame.  The truly hate themselves and will do anything to keep from others thinking worse of them.  My ex lies to everyone around her all the time.  She also told me several times that she wanted to be friends.  But as others here have said better than I could, who would want to be friends with someone who treats others this way?  I recommend reading the posts from '2010'.  They are really good and helped me a lot to understand what was happening behind the mask.

I wish you well and hope you heal quickly.

C&H

[butterfly141]

Thanks I got into a text argument with him this morning he is taking no responsibility for his behaviour and totally blaming me for us not working out I feel like hitting my head against the wall ! He is still making out there is no one else does he seriously think I am that stupid? and haven't worked him out after eight years

[Confusedandhurt]

One of the hallmarks of this illness is that they never accept responsibility for their behavior.  Even with a trained therapist, the probability of complete resolution is very small, because they constantly project their issues on others.  For me, I was constantly accused of having an affair, being a liar, destroying her property, not caring for her, spying on her, and the list goes on.  Seems clear to me that you're never going to get the kind of closure you seek.  And for that, I'm so sorry.  It's a very hard pill to swallow... .  Do your best to stay strong and look at his behavior for what it is - a serious mental illness.  pwBPD are emotional 3 year olds who have no way of maturely dealing with others.

Take care,

C&H

[DragoN]

he is taking no responsibility for his behaviour and totally blaming me for us not working out I feel like hitting my head against the wall !

That is typical BPD/ NPD behavior.

There will not be closure. Only that which you give to yourself. We must create it for ourselves. Therapy helps as well understanding what it was you were dealing with.

8 years is a long time, and some have been married 30+ years and similar happens. Others with children in the mix.




www.guidetopsychology.com/BPD.htm

Therapists don't even want to deal with BPD because they are exhausting. The denial mechanisms are unbelievable. You cannot help him, he is his own cure.

 He will not ever have peace and he will continue to hate and loathe his very existence and tear down each person after you in the same manner. They are wrecking balls and false constructs mirroring anyone they admire long enough to rope them in . Then the devaluation starts.

You fell in love with what he mirrored of yourSelf.

[butterfly141]

Yes it is strange you say that he seems to be a bit of an cameleon changes what he likes etc according to whom he is with, he has told me that he is still single and wants to be with someone that lives on their own has no kids and he wants kids we spoke about this a while ago as I am a single mother I said I was not interested in any more he was fine with that and turned around and said he was happy and now he wants children he has brought up every single negative thing that has happened or I have done and has forgotten all the crap he has put me through

[patientandclear]

Ugh.  The kid thing brings up hard memories for me.  I'm a single mom too.  When he was courting me, my ex was all about how great a mom I was and how he'd be as patient as need be for me to work out how to integrate him and the idea of him, into my life with my daughter.

But it all came crashing down one day when he accidentally hurt her feelings (she was 6, they were brand new to each other, & she had high hopes for a "new dad" and was crushed when he did something that hurt her by accident), I went to comfort her, and when I got back to him a few moments later, he was done.  It hurt him greatly.  He went on to rationalize it as him not being up to the whole kid thing after all, or my having a poor parenting style ... .it gutted me.  I was so proud of my efforts as a mom coming out of a horrible divorce and all, and he made me feel like my kid & my care for my kid cost me this great love.  It was awful.

Flipping about whether they want you as a mom, or not, or a mom who wants more kids ... .it hits in a really tender place, at least it did for me.

[peas]

The remote dumping is par for the course with pwBPD. Speaking from my only experience with a pwBPD, my undiagnosed ex-boyfriend broke up with me every five weeks or so, and each shocking about-face (as heartandwhole put it so well  ) was not in person. I had "we're done, move on" in Facebook messages and texts. Once over the phone -- that one I thought he meant business because I actually heard him yell it at me. He returned a week later. We broke up for good four months ago.

Also, with each breakup, I got the blame. 

[butterfly141]

Oh gez I am seriously struggling tonight took myself up to my doctor I have depression quite bad and have been given a referral to a psychologist. Received a text from my ex BPD today "can you talk"... .I rang him and he was speaking to me like it was the old days then it went all down hill from there, he didn't want to believe what I was saying, we have arranged to meet and exchange our properties that we have at each others places and say goodbye he turned round in the conversation and asked for a necklace and pendant he gave me that means the world to me, what is he going to do give it to the new girl? He also said when were arranging a day cant do it Friday I'm busy... .he was trying to hurt me I turned around and said so am I, he smugly said moving on already are we? I said No taking my boy to his school disco but in a way he was checking up on me, what its ok to dump me for someone else he isn't open about but not for me? I hadn't heard his voice for three days and hearing it today and made me worse, he likes hurting me. He wants to move on "all fresh and new" so he leaves the depleted girlfriend that has copped abuse, rages, threats and depression for someone fresh and new to damage her? 

[maxen]

butterfly i'm so sorry for what you're going through. my BPD stbxw first indicated there was a problem by email (i lived with this person), and they do have a habit of changing the direction of conversations. it's very insulting when they do that, they're not respecting your issues.

I feel like hitting my head against the wall !

i got so frustrated a few times that i actually did that

[connect]

Hi Butterfly,

How are you today?

I replied on your intro post before seeing this one