This is my first time ever joining a forum or replying to anything like this. But this has become so important to me. I'm 33 have 3 kids and recently divorced. I was in a loveless marriage w someone that was never or would never be my soulmate. In the beginning of that process I reconnected, through FB, with a guy from my past I had always felt deeply connected to. He lives 500 miles away. We hit it off very strongly very quickly. I do not doubt he loves me although at times I had. It's been ongoing now for almost 9 months and man have we had ups and downs. Don't know how I've made it this far with him. I suppose it's my unconditional love for him and knowing deep down his love for me. We finally saw each other in August for a weekend. Leading up to the meeting was difficult. Now I know he most likely was afraid of rejecting once I had seen him. He even mentioned it many times by saying, "what if you bed up not liking me? You have high expectations of me and that worries me. I love you and am afraid you won't love me when you see me." Etc. I always said I love you so not "liking" you is silly to think. I'm past that. I felt our bond was so strong bc our love wasn't based on the physical contact, it was much deeper. I'll get to the point now, after a month or so, he started to not respond to texts or deleted my FB comments (even vague ones) and would go a weekend without a word. Then when I'd just "give up" and stop calling he'd get in touch. Saying he'd been busy going through a lot sorry I love you do you still love me. Of course I do I'd say. Then things would be great again. Then it would happen a lot more often. I'd be so confused, thinking why is this 35 year old man playing high school games with my emotions. Who says they're in love with someone and want to marry them but then just disappear. Then we'd start getting into fights about stupid stuff. In the end of an argument I was left feeling that I had been selfish and was in the wrong and it was my fault. I felt he'd manipulate me into thinking that. But I hung in there. He would accuse me of cheating anytime I'd go out even though there was no reason to beliefs that. Once he went as far as to say he had proof and he wasn't dealing with a lying whore in his life and he didn't have time for my drama. I finally just said you don't have proof. Bc it didn't happen. I started to think he was crazy and I was too for putting up with this treatment. It was affecting my life. My school and my mood which led me to be horrible to my kids. But everytime I backed away he was back and more awesome to me than ever. I knew he sincerely cared and loved me. But just couldn't understand him. A week before we were to meet, me driving 500 miles to see him, finding sitters for my kids and going through a lot to get there, he disappeared again. Apparently he'd text me at a late hour on a Saturday night and when I didn't respond he assumed I'd gone out and had such a good time I'd forgotten him. I was so mad and so over all of this. All I could think of was moving on. Only way I knew to do this was remove any contact so I unfriended him on FB and on Instagram. When he realized this he lost it. Texted me and was cussing me out saying you don't throw someone away like that you love and I'd finally done it. Shown him my true colors etc. After days of texting arguments he said I love you. So much. I can't stand the thought of not having you. I want to still see you but please chill out. I can't deal with your irrational behavior. So I agreed to go see him. Another issue, real quick, I had was I felt he "hid" me. He didn't want anyone to know we were dating. I couldn't put anything on FB that made it look like we were. He said I'm not putting out on blast I'm dating someone I haven't seen in 13 years. But he'd say once we see each other and see where this goes that'll all change. So we met. Had a great weekend. And I felt things would progress. I'd learned a bit about his past. An abusive alcoholic step dad, a mother he absolutely hates but he didn't say why. Just said you'd understand if you knew what she's done to us. His real dad committed suicide soon after we dated earlier wheb he was 23. I can't imagine his pain. He was in lots of trouble growing up. In n out of jail for fighting etc. He's quit drinking in the last year but still smokes pot and has a pain pill addiction from a motorcycle accident that left him unable to walk it take care of himself for 10 months. He still takes 3-4 pills a day. He seems to have severe ADHD that he refuses to treat. He has a daughter that's 10 he rarely gets to see and had a son with a girl a few years ago that died 2 days after he was born. I don't know details on that. Obviously he's dealt with more than I can imagine. After seeing each other things got way weird. When we parted he told me he'd work on calling me more bc he knew it meant a lot to me. So for a day or so he really did. It felt great. He's talked of moving here with me bc he loves me and wants a new start. After those few days I started losing him again. Longer and more often now. He even told me he's re friend me on FB and IG. When I couldn't find him on FB he said he deleted the page bc it was too much drama. A few days later I had a friend do a search and she said he's on here. Try searching again. I still got no results. I knew then he'd blocked me. He did it on IG too. So I called and asked. He said if he did he didn't realize it. He's fix it. So weeks into it, very few sporadic conversations through text only and no answers to blocking me or undoing it I started to feel he didn't like me after seeing me. Finally, I sent a message saying that I felt more distant than ever. I was worried he didn't love me and was very confused. He replied back immediately with I'm sorry you feel that way and that I have worried you. I love you very much and everything would be ok. He said he wasn't feeling well and was going to bed but we would talk on the phone tmr. He never called. So after a few days I asked him how he was I had no way of knowing since we didn't talk and I was blocked from FB and IG still. He said he'd been busy etc. I asked why he avoided my question about blocking me. Said it's not that were social friends that's important but the fact you lie to me. All he said was, you have no idea how pissed it made me when you unfriended me. How much it hurt. I'm hurting you back. Going to bed goodnight. So after another week of this craziness and me constantly worrying and wondering I sent a text saying I was done. I couldn't put myself through this anymore. It hurt too bad loving someone so much and not getting it back. I had to do this for me no matter how much it hurt. He never replied. A week later I'd decided to text again. I'd for round n round with all we'd said and been through. I kept going back to all he'd said about how id leave him like the rest. How I couldn't handle loving someone with problems etc. I felt I had done just what he had always suspected and knew I'd do. I abandoned him just like everyone else. So I sent a message that was kind of long and said I feel you think I lied all of these months. That isn't true I do love you I always have. I haven't given up on you. Just the idea of me and you together. A lot other similar stuff as well. He immediately replied and said I'm at work can't read all of it now. I will soon. I hope you are doing ok. I felt he still cared bc he said that. He wasn't angry like I feared. Later that night he replied saying he did love me. He does love me but I have no idea what he goes through mentally emotionally and physically on a daily basis and how lately he thought of his son that died a lot and couldn't get his life straight or make ends meet. He said sometimes you can be so selfish but I still love you and want to be with you. That was a couple of weeks ago. We very slowly started talking a bit every few days. I swore I wouldn't let myself get caught up again. But i did. Waiting to hear, wondering, doubting... .Then he called one day to check on me. He said you know I love you don't you? I said yes, and he said I want so badly to be with you but I am in no place to move right now. I'm trying to get everything right so I can be with you. Thank you for being patient and dealing with me and he said one day we will be together. I believe in us. In the meantime please know I'm not with anyone. I belong to you. If I don't call please don't worry. Please take care of yourself and those kids. Get through school. That's what I love about you is your drive and ambitions. It makes me happy when I know you aren't upset about us and are doing good. I felt good knowing how he felt. I thought. That night he sent a goodnight I love you text I hadn't gotten in months that he knows I feel so strongly about and I had always expressed how much they meant to me. I was beside myself. I felt we were finally making progress again. The next morning I sent a good morning text like I used to and that I loved him and hoped he had a good day. Got nothing back. Later sent something else and again got nothing back. So on Friday I sent a picture message of me on oovoo and asked if he'd oovoo with me (video chat) he did and we talked for 30 minutes. He said he wanted to visit soon and see if he'd like it here. Said he missed me and couldn't ask to see me again. I still haven't brought back up the social blocking stuff even though I think about it everyday and it drives me crazy why he won't unblock me. I don't ask why he calls and then disappears. Just decided to let it go for now and quit thinking he's an absolute ass that lies. Surely no human could be that heartless. I'm going to Houston near him (he's in Austin) in January and he said he's def seeing me and would try to come here before. So now four days later he's been gone since that convo. He replied once to a pic with a
but no replies to my i love you's, how is your day, or good nights. So last night while trying to figure this out I stumbled on BPD. It's all him! It finally made sense. It's not me. It's an illness I'm almost certain he has. I don't feel I should mention it yet. Not sure he'd not get angry at this point. But it made me not want to give up on him even more. I refuse to be another "abandoner" no matter how much it hurts. In the past month I've distanced myself a bit to quit getting hurt so much. That has helped. But understanding this more helps a lot more. Now I'm at a point that I don't know what to do. I sent a message this morning already saying I love you and you're so awesome and that I'm lucky to have someone like him that loves me. No response 2 hours later. But now I wonder if I'm pushing at a time he's rejecting and if I should back off a few days til he comes back or do I continue to remind him I'm here not leaving and still love him? I feel awful for the times I said I was leaving before. Had I understood this I wouldn't have. Because it's made him have less trust and more fear I could leave. I'm happy I stumbled across this site. Hoping its a place I can get help on how to help him until I can get to a point of getting him to consider getting prof help. Being in a long distance relationship makes this even harder ... .I think. He could permanently disappear at any moment and I'd completely lose him. He has friends that I feel aren't true to him and I hate the thought of him not having me. I feel I'm the best thing that's happened to him in a long time. I think he believes it too. I hope someone reads this although it's very long. I hope I can figure out where to go from here and that I'm doing the right thing by hanging In there.
