Life is effectively (for now) over

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Life got a blow

Had an exam today and yesterday. Yesterday passed, today, complete black out, failed horribly. This means that I have to wait to July 2014 to graduate (At that time i'll be 5 years older than the oldest one at university for people with their MSc'er degrees). The 29th of October I turn another year closer to 30. I moved to a NEW place in Netherlands purely to graduate so I can move back to either London/New York for work (which I could if I would pass my exams). Now I failed, and I have to remain here till July, I need the University degree to start working again in my line of work. (banking)

I don't know anyone here in this place. I've been told that it's pathetic that i'm not over her (EX) and that I let my judgement and clear thinking get troubled because of this. In another post here on personal inventory I saw something about fear of success. Maybe I sabotaged myself (unconsciously) because whatever I always did in life it was never enough (BPD ex, family, ... )

I got back home and cried constantly. My eyes are so red at the moment, it hurts. I have literally no plans for for the coming 8 months. I don't want to start working here, build a social life, or build friends or anything. I don't because I don't belong here. I want to go back to London/New York to start my life again. 8 months of complete emptiness. Besides I know people there. I only came back to this sh!ttty Netherlands for my EX GF(!). And now I'm still stuck (2 years after I got here... ) while she is already far gone and left the country and resides somewhere else.

What you want, is not something you always get.

I need to call my therapist, and lay out a plan and hope that life will bring me something to do ...

I remain strong, I want to work, I have enough cash for now to remain unemployed till June. All I want is a job in the financial industry again. I like working 7 days a week, in that sector, in that line of field. It makes me feel good, my brain works perfectly in that world (I study maths, go figure)... and I had an awesome social life back in London.

I feel sick to my stomach.

Just a refresher to some, my mother got diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis before she got pregnant with me, however, there was also something mentally wrong. The multiple sclerosis also affected parts of her brain which controls the 'behavioral' stuff of a person. But, doctors said that she was already very vulnerable for personality disorders and this disease MS also made that develop quicker. My mother could just sometimes literally 'fall' on the floor, was an enormous hypochondriac, no sense of money, no listening skills. Doctors never were capable of giving her a specific personality disorder, but she lives almost since I was born in a mental institute. My mother never got further than secondary school, and my father just went one level above that. They both grew up in the rural parts of the Netherlands, meaning, on a farm... .

The family of my mother is superior strict religious and gave my father hell because he wanted to split up, and well, you are married for life. I wasn't wanted, I was leverage(!) ...

My father went through hell and forth wanting to leave my mother because she couldn't take care of herself anymore, and the family of my mother wanted him to take care of my mother (who spend all the money and didn't take care of me) and me! That destroyed him of course. Doctors and psychologists were behind my father and eventually the family agreed to put my mother in a mental hospital for the rest of her life (she still is there) so there are nurses who can take care of her. Under the contract by a lawyer that I see my mother twice a week till my 14th birthday.

Ever since I was little, at primary school, secondary school, everyone in the neighbourhood was aware of my situation, because I had a 'really strange' mother and I have been from foster parent to foster parent to foster parent (where I even have been hit by them... ) ... .No brothers, no sisters, just home alone. You know who my biggest friend was? My cat(!) Who died last christmas (where my ex told me, why on earth did you get so attached to an animal that you cry? The little animal turned 16 years old ... ) When I was in secondary school, teachers even from time to time brought me to my mother. Even when going to the later classes in school, I had teachers telling me, visit your mother. Or you will feel guilty for the rest of your life (!).

I never felt any connection with my mother. Never. I was a mistake, a pure leverage between 2 torn families in the sake of ego and pride. How am I supposed to feel? I ___ed up high school year after year, year after year. I was so bad they didn't even thought I was being able to handle going to university. I took 2 years longer than everybody at high school, and in my last year the professor told me, you are good in maths and finance, you enjoy it, i can see that. Don't stay here in the Netherlands. GO AWAY! The therapist at school agreed with me. I told my families...

They all(!) laughed at me. You? Going to university? In London in the United Kingdom? YOU WILL COME BACK CRYING(!) You failed high school 2 years in a row ... how on earth are you going to succeed in London?

I went to London, cried my guts out for 2 weeks, after that, I became a man. Sitting in the corner crying is not going to do you any good. I had to stand up for myself, and I did. It felt as a fresh start. I finished cum laude first class honours on my university degree (year after year in uni) as the best student of my studies (which was Financial Economics at the time (math/finance/economics)) Active in student fraternities as head of department. Did I study like crazy for it? No, not particularly more than I did in high school, but I felt better, and thus the better grades came ... .(You think any support of my family? ... they all told me if you are so clever, how come you screwed up high school?). I did so well in London that I got asked for a internship at one of the top international firms in my industry as the ONLY intern on their entire floor. I felt on top of the world.

You knew who started clinging on me? ... My ex. She wanted to the Netherlands, pulled me along. I Rejected a full time offer from my employer and moved in with her in Rotterdam. That is September 2011. We broke 'officially' March 2013. I traveled like ape sh!t for a good 2 months, had a few very strong suicidal episodes (as you remember) and finally fought myself a little bit back to where I am officially right now.  

I go to therapy since Oktober 2012, and they all say, I'm not crazy. I am sane, I am healthy, I was unlucky.

Am I expecting help here? A pat on the shoulder? Awwwww, Harm ... all will be fine? Or, Jeebus Croest, you are such a cry baby! Nah.

Well, I can assure all of you, who reads this, I don't want to give up, but I am struggling. I HATE, drowning in self-pity and i REFUSE to give in to those feelings.

[HarmKrakow]

Life got a blow

Had an exam today and yesterday. Yesterday passed, today, complete black out, failed horribly. This means that I have to wait to July 2014 to graduate (At that time i'll be 5 years older than the oldest one at university for people with their MSc'er degrees). The 29th of October I turn another year closer to 30. I moved to a NEW place in Netherlands purely to graduate so I can move back to either London/New York for work (which I could if I would pass my exams). Now I failed, and I have to remain here till July, I need the University degree to start working again in my line of work. (banking)

I don't know anyone here in this place. I've been told that it's pathetic that i'm not over her (EX) and that I let my judgement and clear thinking get troubled because of this. In another post here on personal inventory I saw something about fear of success. Maybe I sabotaged myself (unconsciously) because whatever I always did in life it was never enough (BPD ex, family, ... )

I got back home and cried constantly. My eyes are so red at the moment, it hurts. I have literally no plans for for the coming 8 months. I don't want to start working here, build a social life, or build friends or anything. I don't because I don't belong here. I want to go back to London/New York to start my life again. 8 months of complete emptiness. Besides I know people there. I only came back to this sh!ttty Netherlands for my EX GF(!). And now I'm still stuck (2 years after I got here... ) while she is already far gone and left the country and resides somewhere else.

What you want, is not something you always get.

I need to call my therapist, and lay out a plan and hope that life will bring me something to do ...

I remain strong, I want to work, I have enough cash for now to remain unemployed till June. All I want is a job in the financial industry again. I like working 7 days a week, in that sector, in that line of field. It makes me feel good, my brain works perfectly in that world (I study maths, go figure)... and I had an awesome social life back in London.

I feel sick to my stomach.

Just a refresher to some, my mother got diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis before she got pregnant with me, however, there was also something mentally wrong. The multiple sclerosis also affected parts of her brain which controls the 'behavioral' stuff of a person. But, doctors said that she was already very vulnerable for personality disorders and this disease MS also made that develop quicker. My mother could just sometimes literally 'fall' on the floor, was an enormous hypochondriac, no sense of money, no listening skills. Doctors never were capable of giving her a specific personality disorder, but she lives almost since I was born in a mental institute. My mother never got further than secondary school, and my father just went one level above that. They both grew up in the rural parts of the Netherlands, meaning, on a farm... .

The family of my mother is superior strict religious and gave my father hell because he wanted to split up, and well, you are married for life. I wasn't wanted, I was leverage(!) ...

My father went through hell and forth wanting to leave my mother because she couldn't take care of herself anymore, and the family of my mother wanted him to take care of my mother (who spend all the money and didn't take care of me) and me! That destroyed him of course. Doctors and psychologists were behind my father and eventually the family agreed to put my mother in a mental hospital for the rest of her life (she still is there) so there are nurses who can take care of her. Under the contract by a lawyer that I see my mother twice a week till my 14th birthday.

Ever since I was little, at primary school, secondary school, everyone in the neighbourhood was aware of my situation, because I had a 'really strange' mother and I have been from foster parent to foster parent to foster parent (where I even have been hit by them... ) ... .No brothers, no sisters, just home alone. You know who my biggest friend was? My cat(!) Who died last christmas (where my ex told me, why on earth did you get so attached to an animal that you cry? The little animal turned 16 years old ... ) When I was in secondary school, teachers even from time to time brought me to my mother. Even when going to the later classes in school, I had teachers telling me, visit your mother. Or you will feel guilty for the rest of your life (!).

I never felt any connection with my mother. Never. I was a mistake, a pure leverage between 2 torn families in the sake of ego and pride. How am I supposed to feel? I ___ed up high school year after year, year after year. I was so bad they didn't even thought I was being able to handle going to university. I took 2 years longer than everybody at high school, and in my last year the professor told me, you are good in maths and finance, you enjoy it, i can see that. Don't stay here in the Netherlands. GO AWAY! The therapist at school agreed with me. I told my families...

They all(!) laughed at me. You? Going to university? In London in the United Kingdom? YOU WILL COME BACK CRYING(!) You failed high school 2 years in a row ... how on earth are you going to succeed in London?

I went to London, cried my guts out for 2 weeks, after that, I became a man. Sitting in the corner crying is not going to do you any good. I had to stand up for myself, and I did. It felt as a fresh start. I finished cum laude first class honours on my university degree (year after year in uni) as the best student of my studies (which was Financial Economics at the time (math/finance/economics)) Active in student fraternities as head of department. Did I study like crazy for it? No, not particularly more than I did in high school, but I felt better, and thus the better grades came ... .(You think any support of my family? ... they all told me if you are so clever, how come you screwed up high school?). I did so well in London that I got asked for a internship at one of the top international firms in my industry as the ONLY intern on their entire floor. I felt on top of the world.

You knew who started clinging on me? ... My ex. She wanted to the Netherlands, pulled me along. I Rejected a full time offer from my employer and moved in with her in Rotterdam. That is September 2011. We broke 'officially' March 2013. I traveled like ape sh!t for a good 2 months, had a few very strong suicidal episodes (as you remember) and finally fought myself a little bit back to where I am officially right now.  

I go to therapy since Oktober 2012, and they all say, I'm not crazy. I am sane, I am healthy, I was unlucky.

Am I expecting help here? A pat on the shoulder? Awwwww, Harm ... all will be fine? Or, Jeebus Croest, you are such a cry baby! Nah.

Well, I can assure all of you, who reads this, I don't want to give up, but I am struggling. I HATE, drowning in self-pity and i REFUSE to give in to those feelings.

[DreamGirl]

Hey.

Sometimes pity parties are OK. A little wallowing never hurt anyone actually.

I'd be upset too if my life's plans were altered in such a way.

It's the process. We feel bad about something. We get tired of feeling bad about that something. We then accept that the something is something we have to deal with. And we deal with it.

It's often a process that is best not rushed.

I think you wore the proverbial white dress suit to the spaghetti dinner party.

You had so much riding on this - it's almost like you psyched yourself out.

So wallow.

Reminisce about those who don't believe in you. Get frustrated.

Then clean your suit.

And then deal with this life's blow just like we all know you can. With resilience and determination.   

[Ironmanrises]

Life got a blow

Had an exam today and yesterday. Yesterday passed, today, complete black out, failed horribly. This means that I have to wait to July 2014 to graduate (At that time i'll be 5 years older than the oldest one at university for people with their MSc'er degrees). The 29th of October I turn another year closer to 30. I moved to a NEW place in Netherlands purely to graduate so I can move back to either London/New York for work (which I could if I would pass my exams). Now I failed, and I have to remain here till July, I need the University degree to start working again in my line of work. (banking)

I don't know anyone here in this place. I've been told that it's pathetic that i'm not over her (EX) and that I let my judgement and clear thinking get troubled because of this. In another post here on personal inventory I saw something about fear of success. Maybe I sabotaged myself (unconsciously) because whatever I always did in life it was never enough (BPD ex, family, ... )

I got back home and cried constantly. My eyes are so red at the moment, it hurts. I have literally no plans for for the coming 8 months. I don't want to start working here, build a social life, or build friends or anything. I don't because I don't belong here. I want to go back to London/New York to start my life again. 8 months of complete emptiness. Besides I know people there. I only came back to this sh!ttty Netherlands for my EX GF(!). And now I'm still stuck (2 years after I got here... ) while she is already far gone and left the country and resides somewhere else.

What you want, is not something you always get.

I need to call my therapist, and lay out a plan and hope that life will bring me something to do ...

I remain strong, I want to work, I have enough cash for now to remain unemployed till June. All I want is a job in the financial industry again. I like working 7 days a week, in that sector, in that line of field. It makes me feel good, my brain works perfectly in that world (I study maths, go figure)... and I had an awesome social life back in London.

I feel sick to my stomach.

Just a refresher to some, my mother got diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis before she got pregnant with me, however, there was also something mentally wrong. The multiple sclerosis also affected parts of her brain which controls the 'behavioral' stuff of a person. But, doctors said that she was already very vulnerable for personality disorders and this disease MS also made that develop quicker. My mother could just sometimes literally 'fall' on the floor, was an enormous hypochondriac, no sense of money, no listening skills. Doctors never were capable of giving her a specific personality disorder, but she lives almost since I was born in a mental institute. My mother never got further than secondary school, and my father just went one level above that. They both grew up in the rural parts of the Netherlands, meaning, on a farm... .

The family of my mother is superior strict religious and gave my father hell because he wanted to split up, and well, you are married for life. I wasn't wanted, I was leverage(!) ...

My father went through hell and forth wanting to leave my mother because she couldn't take care of herself anymore, and the family of my mother wanted him to take care of my mother (who spend all the money and didn't take care of me) and me! That destroyed him of course. Doctors and psychologists were behind my father and eventually the family agreed to put my mother in a mental hospital for the rest of her life (she still is there) so there are nurses who can take care of her. Under the contract by a lawyer that I see my mother twice a week till my 14th birthday.

Ever since I was little, at primary school, secondary school, everyone in the neighbourhood was aware of my situation, because I had a 'really strange' mother and I have been from foster parent to foster parent to foster parent (where I even have been hit by them... ) ... .No brothers, no sisters, just home alone. You know who my biggest friend was? My cat(!) Who died last christmas (where my ex told me, why on earth did you get so attached to an animal that you cry? The little animal turned 16 years old ... ) When I was in secondary school, teachers even from time to time brought me to my mother. Even when going to the later classes in school, I had teachers telling me, visit your mother. Or you will feel guilty for the rest of your life (!).

I never felt any connection with my mother. Never. I was a mistake, a pure leverage between 2 torn families in the sake of ego and pride. How am I supposed to feel? I ___ed up high school year after year, year after year. I was so bad they didn't even thought I was being able to handle going to university. I took 2 years longer than everybody at high school, and in my last year the professor told me, you are good in maths and finance, you enjoy it, i can see that. Don't stay here in the Netherlands. GO AWAY! The therapist at school agreed with me. I told my families...

They all(!) laughed at me. You? Going to university? In London in the United Kingdom? YOU WILL COME BACK CRYING(!) You failed high school 2 years in a row ... how on earth are you going to succeed in London?

I went to London, cried my guts out for 2 weeks, after that, I became a man. Sitting in the corner crying is not going to do you any good. I had to stand up for myself, and I did. It felt as a fresh start. I finished cum laude first class honours on my university degree (year after year in uni) as the best student of my studies (which was Financial Economics at the time (math/finance/economics)) Active in student fraternities as head of department. Did I study like crazy for it? No, not particularly more than I did in high school, but I felt better, and thus the better grades came ... .(You think any support of my family? ... they all told me if you are so clever, how come you screwed up high school?). I did so well in London that I got asked for a internship at one of the top international firms in my industry as the ONLY intern on their entire floor. I felt on top of the world.

You knew who started clinging on me? ... My ex. She wanted to the Netherlands, pulled me along. I Rejected a full time offer from my employer and moved in with her in Rotterdam. That is September 2011. We broke 'officially' March 2013. I traveled like ape sh!t for a good 2 months, had a few very strong suicidal episodes (as you remember) and finally fought myself a little bit back to where I am officially right now.  

I go to therapy since Oktober 2012, and they all say, I'm not crazy. I am sane, I am healthy, I was unlucky.

Am I expecting help here? A pat on the shoulder? Awwwww, Harm ... all will be fine? Or, Jeebus Croest, you are such a cry baby! Nah.

Well, I can assure all of you, who reads this, I don't want to give up, but I am struggling. I HATE, drowning in self-pity and i REFUSE to give in to those feelings.

In bold.

Why... .?

What is it... .

In facing those feelings... .

That you hate... .?

[musicfan42]

Hi HarmKrakow,

I was wondering how you got on in your exams... this is a shame to hear.

Your feelings are natural. You've been under a lot of stress-exams, relationship break-up, living in a new area. So cut yourself some slack. 

I've cried for ages before so I know what that's like...  However, I found that splashing my face with some water helped along with having a shower/bath. It wasn't a magic wand however it improved my mood... made me feel refreshed.

There are lots of negative people out there however my advice would be not to listen to them. Just keep telling yourself that you can do it (because you can!) You've achieved great success in the past-this is just a setback... I know it feels awful right now but you can get beyond this... .you can overcome this obstacle.

I've had people in the past criticize me too-tell me that I couldn't do certain things and it always felt great proving them wrong. That type of criticism definitely knocked my confidence, I'm not going to lie... it's not nice at all. But at the same time, I now know that they were wrong. I can relate to that feeling of whatever you do in your life not being "good enough". I feel like that all the time.

It's okay to ask for help. I know that you're a determined person so you probably want to do everything yourself. But there's times when we all need a helping hand and that's okay... we're only human at the end of the day. This forum is here to provide support so post as often as you want here There will be people, including myself, around

I agree that calling your therapist is a good idea. Is there any way that you can take up a new hobby... some way to meet new people in your area? I think that having social support in your locality would be very helpful for you right now... .even if it was just to have someone to meet up with for a cup of coffee.

[peas]

Harm, we're in this together. I am experiencing the exact loneliness and dislocation you are. It truly is an emotional crisis.

This means that I have to wait to July 2014 to graduate ... .I moved to a NEW place in Netherlands purely to graduate so I can move back to either London/New York for work (which I could if I would pass my exams). Now I failed, and I have to remain here till July, I need the University degree to start working again in my line of work. (banking)

I don't know anyone here in this place. I've been told that it's pathetic that i'm not over her (EX) and that I let my judgement and clear thinking get troubled because of this. ... .

I got back home and cried constantly. My eyes are so red at the moment, it hurts. I have literally no plans for for the coming 8 months. I don't want to start working here, build a social life, or build friends or anything. I don't because I don't belong here. I want to go back to London/New York to start my life again. 8 months of complete emptiness. Besides I know people there.

I had to relocate for a job about 11 months ago and it was to a place I did not choose and it meant leaving my home city that I was attached to. I underestimated how much this move would affect me. I left my friends and my uBPDbf, although I maintained a long-distance relationship with my bf for seven months. I have been in the worst homesick pain since I moved. I'm not interested in my new city and all I do is think about getting through another day here until I can leave. I am on a major project and it is open-ended. It will eventually end, but there is no determined date -- it could be in five months, it could be in a year or more. I am taking things month by month. My plan is to at least get through the winter here.

In my new city I do not know anyone and I don't care about meeting anyone or building a social life here. I don't care about my new surroundings. And I live in a really excellent place that by all accounts is cool, hip and livable. It's just not "home." When my ex and I were together, I used to look forward to weekends when I would return to my home city and stay with him. That got me through the workweek. And I knew if I lost him I would be set adrift and feeling even more lonely in my new city because I wouldn't have the weekend breaks home with him to look forward to. That's a big reason I attached myself to him tightly. Letting go of him meant letting go of home. He was my anchor, as dysfunctional as he was.

Now I am cast adrift and it feels awful. I go back to my home city for visits and I stay with friends. And I am sad when I have to return to my current city. But I intend to get through this.

You and I could leave our cities tomorrow. I think about that often, just walking away and moving back to my home city to stop this pain. But for me, realistically, I want to see my work project through to a natural break. I feel a sense of duty to my employer and this project to stay committed. Also, I am getting a lot out of the work.  

[Hazelrah]

So sorry to hear the news about your exam, Harm.

Like the others have said, cut yourself a break and feel as bad as you need to right now.  In reading enough of your older posts, I know you'll then be able to get back on your feet and start moving forward again.  You know you will, too.

[Surnia]

So sorry to hear about your exam!

failing a exam sucks. 

It can happen - many of us failed somewhere. In these moments we have to face who we are in a different light.

Its good to reach out to the T again to gain a perspective, how you will spent your time until next summer.

[Learning_curve74]

HarmKrakow, sorry to hear about your second day of exams. What is there to say... .it happens? 

I flunked out of graduate school but eventually started again and finished, so I totally identify with temporarily failing! I'm good at my job and there's been an article in a national newspaper about the work I've done, so overall I feel things turned out okay. From what you say about how much you enjoyed your work, it sounds like you'll probably turn out fine too. 

Do you have to stay in the Netherlands for school the next 8 months? I agree with musicfan42 that maybe some friends wouldn't hurt, even if you don't plan to stick around.

[happylogist]

HarmKrakow,

Not much time has gone since your break-up and also from changing your life-style, I think it is not so surprising that there are some problems along the way.  It is OK to have a bumpy road till you get better. 

I also have  my career on hold - I was supposed to be done with my doctoral thesis by now, but obviously it will take me another whole year. I struggle with concentration a lot and can't keep myself focused for more than 20 minutes even if I am interested in the subject.

Get better

And keep writing about how you are doing. Any plans for the time you have?

[Clearmind]

Harm, life should be fair however life does throw curve balls. Accept how you feel right now and trust that how you feel is completely natural.

Be gentle with yourself.

[HarmKrakow]

Hi Peeps,

Seriously thank you so much for your messages. It really does mean a lot. No sugar coating here, just the truth. And the truth is that the situation is a bit dire, but not one of those 'end of the world' stories. I gambled, I lost. Boo-___ing-hoo for me. Slept horse sh!t, just used benzo's. No frantic hysteria crying, just severe sadness.

I had a consult with therapy about this and I got some wise words. My progress can't stop because of some single measly failure. I need to continue my life, and my therapist wants me out of the country by end of December. Out out out ... .

I need to keep the fire high, daily. I received a few messages from people I consider friends. Not the daily/weekly talkative friends, but the friends who are there for you in need of assistance (break up r/s, you want to sleep there, money issues, family issues, the people you can ALWAYS call, 24/7 and rely on). It was a good message from my therapist to show me that I can maintain good interpersonal relationships, a good sanity check for me

But yeah, as clearmind said. Curve ball.

HarmKrakow, sorry to hear about your second day of exams. What is there to say... .it happens? 

I flunked out of graduate school but eventually started again and finished, so I totally identify with temporarily failing! I'm good at my job and there's been an article in a national newspaper about the work I've done, so overall I feel things turned out okay. From what you say about how much you enjoyed your work, it sounds like you'll probably turn out fine too. 

Do you have to stay in the Netherlands for school the next 8 months? I agree with musicfan42 that maybe some friends wouldn't hurt, even if you don't plan to stick around.

I don't have to stay in the Netherlands for the coming 8 months, but living costs in Netherlands are a lot cheaper than the UK. And traveling up and down will also deplete savings. I don't want to start building up a life here, as i'm looking at tickets to leave

[DreamGirl]

Harm,

I'm so glad you've bounced back in such a determined way.

Very inspirational to a fellow boo-hooer over here. 

DG

[peas]

I need to continue my life, and my therapist wants me out of the country by end of December. Out out out ... .

Yes! Doesn't this feel good? A real goal you can work toward. It's like you have permission to leave. My therapist and I are working on an exit plan for me from my current city. She has been so supportive and understands how badly I don't want to leave. 

[HarmKrakow]

Harm,

I'm so glad you've bounced back in such a determined way.

Very inspirational to a fellow boo-hooer over here. 

DG

Ive discussed the Jonah-complex, seems I also have quite a bit of overlap there. My past, whatever I did, it was not good enough. Always hit, even if I was nr.1 at university. I had success, and now I seem to be afraid of returning to this field, because i'm afraid that I will again get a mental blow of... how?

I get success again ... and all I will hear is, Jeeeebus, it took you that long to get over her? (Rather than the, dude, well done(!)). And therefore I seem to unconsciously sabotage myself sometimes and lower my confidence when it's really necessary (While I didn't do this BEFORE my ex).

I feel weak, lonely and sad.

[Surnia]

Harm

good to hear from you again.

It was a good message from my therapist to show me that I can maintain good interpersonal relationships, a good sanity check for me   

Keep going.

I can relate very much about "not good enough". This is a very self damaging thing too and affecting the own well being very much in my eyes. 

Perhaps it is time you allow yourself being not Nr. 1. 

[Surnia]

  Harm, my friend,

how are you doing?

[HarmKrakow]

 Harm, my friend,

how are you doing?

Grandfather died 31st of october. On his own, alone. We couldnt say good bye . As most know, majority of issues of me come out my family, and now they are all together again. ...

Soo... I'm just crying, eating and sleeping and being an emotional cry baby from time to time. Even feel guilty for being so emotional about it. A big "Emotions are weakness" sentence thunders through my head from my ex... .

Cry... Cry... Cry...

The entire discussion religions comes up again amongst my family... Grandpa was superbly religious, my father wasn't. Now he doubts everything again... And he is the only "single" in our family... Meaning he has no support and it tears me apart to see him crumble like this. I f$cking hate the rest of the family but am only really connected with my father...

Did i deserve all this crap : (

I feel f$cking guilty for complaining... .It's like i am not allowed too... .Cuz i am weaaak ...

[Surnia]

Oh Harm,

I am so sorry about the sudden death of your grandfather.  

I personally don't see anything weak in crying, grieving, Harm. Dealing with emotions about the loss of a family member is not weakness or complaining.

[Clearmind]

Only the strong show their vulnerabilities Harm! Please dismiss the thought that only the weak cry.

Thinking of you 

[DreamGirl]

It's one of the hardest concepts to see with clear eyes - as far as to what it is that we do or do not deserve. Its such a big part of the healing process. Depression does not help in that at all.

You've been thru a lot lately, your grandfathers passing still hurts. In my experience when we are at odds with a family member who dies - the grieving stages are just more difficult to trudge thru.

Be mindful of that and be gentle with yourself. I'm so sorry that you're having such hard circumstances all at once.  :'(

[maxen]

harm i'm so sorry for your loss. please keep posting here, stay connected with us.

and please don't feel guilty about feeling. it's good that your emotions express!

[Rose Tiger]

 :'( Sorry you are having a rough time, Harm. 

[HarmKrakow]

harm i'm so sorry for your loss. please keep posting here, stay connected with us.

and please don't feel guilty about feeling. it's good that your emotions express!

But why good expressing emotions? Seriously? My BPD ex told me that people who vent on these internet forums are sad pathetic losers who need to get a life. Boo-hoo sad sobbing self-pity drowning losers...

She told me that quite clearly with a shouting voice... .

What if we here are the sad ones here? The people who have issues and need places like this to emotionally vent. Isn't that wrong? And sad... ?

I mean at moments like this (funeral is in 13 hours) i feel crap beyond crap ... But I almost dare not to complain to much cuz it makes me feel like a f@cking failure.

[musicfan42]

harm i'm so sorry for your loss. please keep posting here, stay connected with us.

and please don't feel guilty about feeling. it's good that your emotions express!

But why good expressing emotions? Seriously? My BPD ex told me that people who vent on these internet forums are sad pathetic losers who need to get a life. Boo-hoo sad sobbing self-pity drowning losers...

She told me that quite clearly with a shouting voice... .

What if we here are the sad ones here? The people who have issues and need places like this to emotionally vent. Isn't that wrong? And sad... ?

I mean at moments like this (funeral is in 13 hours) i feel crap beyond crap ... But I almost dare not to complain to much cuz it makes me feel like a f@cking failure.

I'm really sorry that you experienced that kind of emotional invalidation. When I feel depressed, I have a need to be heard and listened to. I have a right to feel heard... to feel listened... to get the validation and support that I require. I also have the right to medical and psychological treatment... .to get anti-depressants, go to therapy... have the problem taken seriously and treated just like a physical illness such as diabetes would be.

Depression is a real mental illness. It's not just something that someone can "snap out of". It's not due to weakness or a lack of willpower. There have been brain scans done on a depressed person's brain. It shows that there is a reduction in the hippocampus in the brain-that depressed people seem to experience more guilt than the average person. There is also differences in the amydala of a depressed person's brain compared to an average person. A depressed person also has less serotonin than the average person. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter in the brain. I've actually read that people who take the drug ecstasy on a regular basis are more at risk of depression because their serotonin levels are being depleted all the time due to the ecstasy. Serotonin is a chemical that keeps people balanced so that's why there is a need for things like antidepressants in the first place. I am concerned about all the stigma surrounding depression. It's extremely unhelpful to anyone suffering from depression. I've experienced stigma due to my depression and quite frankly, it's unacceptable. I was afraid to speak up before-to voice my dissent... but no longer. I'm not putting up with other people's ignorant opinions anymore. I'm not the one with the problem-they are.

Talking about your emotions is a healthy coping mechanism. It gives people a feeling of release... like "phew... that's off my chest". The alternatives to talking about emotions include:

-repression-pretend the emotion isn't there but it is so really the person is just suffering in silence and what's the point of that? They don't feel any better!

-acting out behaviors-aggressive behavior... taking it out on other people (bad idea), self-medication (bad idea) i.e. turning to alcohol, drugs, eating disorders, self-harm etc.

So really, talking about your emotions is one of the healthiest coping mechanisms there is in life.

You're experiencing a lot of upheaval in your life. I'm sorry for your loss-death is a terrible thing... it's sad... it evokes feelings of loss in people and that's only natural.

Be gentle on yourself...

[Surnia]

Your ex may simply be wrong and very invalidating.

Dealing with our emotions is a challenge for many of us. For me it is a lifetime topic. I had for a longtime the idea, if I would be most of the time emotionless (beside some joy and humour) my life would be much better. What happened: I lost my energy and got more hungry and gained weight, in other words, I got depressed.

So for me the first step is to accept my emotions. Talking about them - and sometimes I am realizing that not all people are good to listen to it. They don't know what to say... .they think they have to do something, they change the topic fast or something else.

Here on this board is so much validation for feelings.

Which emotions are easier for you and which are the "difficult" ones?

[Rose Tiger]

I was crying for my kitty that disappeared, and the ex yelled at me, you need to get over it, he isn't coming back to just stop crying and deal with it.  I don't know why me having emotions was unbareable to him.  Just more of him taking everything away from me, taking me down to base, stripping me of everything that made me "me".

I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing, because as you add the pieces back, you don't bother with a lot of the nonsense parts from your prior life but add back the really important things.

We are allowed to grieve!    It's part of our humaness, our make up, our DNA.  It's normal, natural and healing.

Ex was also insanely jealous of my ability to connect to people on line, I have many on line friends here and on other sites.  He could never do that, he doesn't have that skill and it bugged him, so he had to put me down for it, too.

[Cumulus]

 My BPD ex told me that people who vent on these internet forums are sad pathetic losers who need to get a life. Boo-hoo sad sobbing self-pity drowning losers...

She told me that quite clearly with a shouting voice... .

Hi harm, just wanted to lend my support with the others. I do not think you are pathetic, sad or a loser if what you have written is true. What do you feel about the others who post their struggles on here? I feel they are a group of the most well informed, considerate and compassionate people I have ever corresponded with. It sounded like you were beginning to see some light before you got hit with another blow from life. We can only control a very small bit of what comes our way and we are not personally responsible for much of the trouble that is visited upon us, that's life. You have dealt with some huge life issues for a man still in his twenties and yet you have not surrendered. You continue to face life with determination, goals and plans. Don't compare yourself with anyone else, you are unique with qualities that others will never be able to duplicate.

[nevermore]

Harm, so sorry about your Grandfather.  As far as the test... .that sucks but it was one day in your life.  I was older than you when I graduated from college.  Crying is not a bad thing.  You are obviously a fighter and you are going to bounce out of all of this and come back stronger than ever.  I did. I came back from three deaths in my family and one of them was my sweet brother, death by suicide. It took time, more tears than one could count but in the end I am here and strong.  You have my prayers and my total faith.  Go get em Harm. 

[HarmKrakow]

Thank you all for the messages! Means a lot. Am going through a tough time right now. My father is cracking (his father died), i'm cracking as it's another nail in my thoughts of how to deal with life. And death never came so close as it did now.

Your ex may simply be wrong and very invalidating.

My ex is truly sick. She is text-book high-functioning borderliner. She will never seek help for her issues. After the last diagnosis of the shrink she said after coming home, "bull$hit". People from the outside will never realize she is, only her new boyfriends will realize this. I heard from her previous colleagues that she is a true b!tch. No empathy at all. No soul, no character. And I ran into them purely by chance. Very refreshing story that was. .

Which emotions are easier for you and which are the "difficult" ones?

The difficult emotions are the ones which deal with rejection, failure and self-image.

My BPD ex told me that people who vent on these internet forums are sad pathetic losers who need to get a life. Boo-hoo sad sobbing self-pity drowning losers...

She told me that quite clearly with a shouting voice... .

Hi harm, just wanted to lend my support with the others. I do not think you are pathetic, sad or a loser if what you have written is true. What do you feel about the others who post their struggles on here?

I feel it's a group who doesn't feel heard/understood in real life, although their mental awareness shouts for that little bit of acknowledgement, and that is what they get confirmed here. They are not alone.

[Rose Tiger]

Hi Harm    You might not see it but you have a real talent for opening up with people you don't know very well, not just here but in the real world.  Your communication skills are stellar and that is coming from someone that finds it very hard to connect in the real world because I'm shy with a foot in mouth tendency.  I admire this skill in you and I believe it will take you far.

Praying for peace and comfort for you and your father.