I'm a new member -- I could use some feedback and support.

[rags_and_feathers]

Hi, everyone.  I am new to this board, and grateful I've found a place to work on myself and my feelings.  The mods suggested I start a new thread on this board, so here goes... .

Four months ago, I ended a very complicated relationship with a BPD woman. 

I am older than she is (16 years older), and was a professional mentor to her as we are both in the same field.  She attached to me at a time when she claimed to be coming out of an abusive relationship with an ex-boyfriend, and she needed a place to stay, since her situation at home wasn't safe.  It pulled all my heart strings, and I let her stay with me -- and eventually we ended up moving in together as roommates -- it was me, my male partner (I'm a woman), and the BPD woman in question.  We had a fourth roommate, who moved out almost immediately, leaving the three of us as a household.

It was problematic from the beginning -- she was struggling with self harming (cutting and burning), and she took an overdose of sleeping pills the first week we lived together, after a fight with the fourth roommate (the one who left). 

I recognized the BPD aspect of her pretty early on, but foolishly thought I could live with it and be a supportive friend with boundaries.  Oh, boy, did that not happen.

We lived together for five years, during which time the relationship grew ever deeper and more problematic.  We were never lovers, though we did have an attraction to one another, and did skirt around the edges of that a few times.  However, emotionally, we might as well have been married -- we'd jokingly refer to each other as "my wife".

It was classic BPD stuff -- intense jealousy, rage, hurt, fights and making up, and so forth.  When I'd attempt boundaries, she'd escalate, and she responded to criticism and slights with self harm, suicide threats, overdoses, etc.

Three years into living together, she made a serious suicidal gesture -- an overdose that could have been fatal, but wasn't.  I found out about this after-the-fact, and she never went to the hospital -- I insisted that she seek therapy, which she did, briefly.  That turned my life upside down, and I failed to finish a year of graduate school due to my own emotional turmoil and trying to be available to her.

I stated, at that point, that if she ever attempted suicide again or took another serious overdose, it would end our roommate relationship, immediately and without notice.   She agreed to this.

Fast forward to this year -- she had been isolating (in a passively hostile way), clearly in horrible distress, our relationship had been more fighting than anything else, and the acting out behaviors had escalated tremendously --- she was abusing benadryl and alcohol, cutting a lot, binge-and-purge cycles had escalated, she was hoarding trash and her room was absolutely filthy  -- I was afraid to say anything to her as her rage was vicious, and there was no logic left in our interactions.  I finally asked her to move out -- she panicked, tried to renegotiate, etc.  I caved, and we agreed to try a different living set-up that would give her more privacy.  This led to a huge fight, after which she overdosed, and came home.   I called 911, as she was in a non-responsive stupor, and she was hospitalized.

I asked her parents to take over her care at that point, and stated that she couldn't return to live with me. 

All hell has broken loose since then -- I've stood my ground, but am facing all kinds of accusations of abuse, claims that I owe her money (this is ridiculous, since I covered her rent more often than not for many years), threatening to sue me for illegal eviction (I'm the lease-holder on our apartment), etc. etc.

Amazingly, my relationship with my partner survived this whole thing, and we are currently working to re-build our relationship (which had taken a back-seat to a lot of the drama), and I am working to heal myself.   We have new housemates who are sane, adult people.

My current quandary is that I am actually scared of my ex-roommate, and I have no idea how far she will go to hurt me.  She's already posted defamatory (and untrue) statements about me on Facebook, threatened to call my boss if I ever mention her at work (we were colleagues for a long time)  ... .she's sending me a lot of hate mail, to which I am no longer responding.  She refused to have her mail forwarded to her, so was coming to the building to retrieve it, and having neighbors in the building let her in ... .she refuses to give me a forwarding address, as she claims that she is afraid of me stalking her (!)   She's projecting like crazy  -- accusing me of all the very things she is doing, including (ironically) stating that I am an "out of control borderline."   She's even posted this on facebook - which could be problematic, since we are both in the mental health field, and have a lot of common facebook friends and colleagues.  I blocked her on facebook, and I am sure she's blocked me, too -- but I am occasionally alerted to posts like that one by friends of mine. 

Ack!  I just want all this to end -- and yet, I still feel my damned heartstrings being pulled, and I feel rattled and defensive, and I'm finding it very hard not to respond to her emails in an attempt to defend myself.

I recently sent all of her mail out as "return to sender."  I informed her I was going to do this if she continued to have it delivered here, and I did.  Now, I am terrified that she is going to come after me in a fit of rage.  She occasionally sends me emails that read "reminder: you are NOT to touch my mail" -- and similar things.  The mail situation was really beginning to feel like a conscious, ongoing boundary violation.

That's the basics of the last torturous five years.

I'm not without fault in all this, of course -- I am wounded, and my wounds were activated in such a way that I became very reactive, fought back, felt crazy myself at times.  I have a huge savior complex, and it has backfired on me, badly, a couple of times.  I'm feeling a heck of a lot better now that she's mostly out of my life, but I want to work on myself so I don't repeat this cycle, and I also want to let go of the lingering depression, guilt, confusion, and nagging curiosity about how she is, what she's doing, etc. etc.  I want to detach, and find whatever closure I can find within myself.

It would help, of course, if I wasn't afraid of her showing up at any moment attempting to cause a lot of problems in my life -- but that assurance just isn't there. 

[Ironmanrises]

Hi, everyone.  I am new to this board, and grateful I've found a place to work on myself and my feelings.  The mods suggested I start a new thread on this board, so here goes... .

Four months ago, I ended a very complicated relationship with a BPD woman. 

I am older than she is (16 years older), and was a professional mentor to her as we are both in the same field.  She attached to me at a time when she claimed to be coming out of an abusive relationship with an ex-boyfriend, and she needed a place to stay, since her situation at home wasn't safe.  It pulled all my heart strings, and I let her stay with me -- and eventually we ended up moving in together as roommates -- it was me, my male partner (I'm a woman), and the BPD woman in question.  We had a fourth roommate, who moved out almost immediately, leaving the three of us as a household.

It was problematic from the beginning -- she was struggling with self harming (cutting and burning), and she took an overdose of sleeping pills the first week we lived together, after a fight with the fourth roommate (the one who left). 

I recognized the BPD aspect of her pretty early on, but foolishly thought I could live with it and be a supportive friend with boundaries.  Oh, boy, did that not happen.

We lived together for five years, during which time the relationship grew ever deeper and more problematic.  We were never lovers, though we did have an attraction to one another, and did skirt around the edges of that a few times.  However, emotionally, we might as well have been married -- we'd jokingly refer to each other as "my wife".

It was classic BPD stuff -- intense jealousy, rage, hurt, fights and making up, and so forth.  When I'd attempt boundaries, she'd escalate, and she responded to criticism and slights with self harm, suicide threats, overdoses, etc.

Three years into living together, she made a serious suicidal gesture -- an overdose that could have been fatal, but wasn't.  I found out about this after-the-fact, and she never went to the hospital -- I insisted that she seek therapy, which she did, briefly.  That turned my life upside down, and I failed to finish a year of graduate school due to my own emotional turmoil and trying to be available to her.

I stated, at that point, that if she ever attempted suicide again or took another serious overdose, it would end our roommate relationship, immediately and without notice.   She agreed to this.

Fast forward to this year -- she had been isolating (in a passively hostile way), clearly in horrible distress, our relationship had been more fighting than anything else, and the acting out behaviors had escalated tremendously --- she was abusing benadryl and alcohol, cutting a lot, binge-and-purge cycles had escalated, she was hoarding trash and her room was absolutely filthy  -- I was afraid to say anything to her as her rage was vicious, and there was no logic left in our interactions.  I finally asked her to move out -- she panicked, tried to renegotiate, etc.  I caved, and we agreed to try a different living set-up that would give her more privacy.  This led to a huge fight, after which she overdosed, and came home.   I called 911, as she was in a non-responsive stupor, and she was hospitalized.

I asked her parents to take over her care at that point, and stated that she couldn't return to live with me. 

All hell has broken loose since then -- I've stood my ground, but am facing all kinds of accusations of abuse, claims that I owe her money (this is ridiculous, since I covered her rent more often than not for many years), threatening to sue me for illegal eviction (I'm the lease-holder on our apartment), etc. etc.

Amazingly, my relationship with my partner survived this whole thing, and we are currently working to re-build our relationship (which had taken a back-seat to a lot of the drama), and I am working to heal myself.   We have new housemates who are sane, adult people.

My current quandary is that I am actually scared of my ex-roommate, and I have no idea how far she will go to hurt me.  She's already posted defamatory (and untrue) statements about me on Facebook, threatened to call my boss if I ever mention her at work (we were colleagues for a long time)  ... .she's sending me a lot of hate mail, to which I am no longer responding.  She refused to have her mail forwarded to her, so was coming to the building to retrieve it, and having neighbors in the building let her in ... .she refuses to give me a forwarding address, as she claims that she is afraid of me stalking her (!)   She's projecting like crazy  -- accusing me of all the very things she is doing, including (ironically) stating that I am an "out of control borderline."   She's even posted this on facebook - which could be problematic, since we are both in the mental health field, and have a lot of common facebook friends and colleagues.  I blocked her on facebook, and I am sure she's blocked me, too -- but I am occasionally alerted to posts like that one by friends of mine. 

Ack!  I just want all this to end -- and yet, I still feel my damned heartstrings being pulled, and I feel rattled and defensive, and I'm finding it very hard not to respond to her emails in an attempt to defend myself.

I recently sent all of her mail out as "return to sender."  I informed her I was going to do this if she continued to have it delivered here, and I did.  Now, I am terrified that she is going to come after me in a fit of rage.  She occasionally sends me emails that read "reminder: you are NOT to touch my mail" -- and similar things.  The mail situation was really beginning to feel like a conscious, ongoing boundary violation.

That's the basics of the last torturous five years.

I'm not without fault in all this, of course -- I am wounded, and my wounds were activated in such a way that I became very reactive, fought back, felt crazy myself at times.  I have a huge savior complex, and it has backfired on me, badly, a couple of times.  I'm feeling a heck of a lot better now that she's mostly out of my life, but I want to work on myself so I don't repeat this cycle, and I also want to let go of the lingering depression, guilt, confusion, and nagging curiosity about how she is, what she's doing, etc. etc.  I want to detach, and find whatever closure I can find within myself.

It would help, of course, if I wasn't afraid of her showing up at any moment attempting to cause a lot of problems in my life -- but that assurance just isn't there. 

I am so sorry you have experienced this.

It sounds like... .

Literal... .

Hell on earth.

Have you thought about contacting the police... .

If you feel like she is threatening you... .?

In bold.

That is what you will be dealing with... .

If you allow this person back into your life.

I know the pulling on heartstrings... .

I know how that feels.

It hurts.

Hang in there.

You are in the right place.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

rags and feat,

Sorry for what you are going through. This sounds extremely serious and dangerous. Your life could be in real jeopardy. You have to get the police involved. I have to say this strikes me as one of the most complicated and serious stories I have read. I am new to posting but have read the boards for quite some time.

If you can please try and separate your emotions and obligation to her and realize this is more than anyone is capable of handling. You can't help her. She needs real help.

[crazytrain2]

RnF, wow... this sounds like a horrible predicament!  I do understand that you care for this woman, but she does indeed sound dangerous.  Sometimes with smear campaigns the best you can do is sit it out and do not respond.  It sounds like you are doing a good job of keeping your wits about you thus far (as difficult and scary as that is).

She will/is likely experiencing an extinction burst as you do not respond to her in ways she is accostumed to.  As with a small child who does not get their way and throws a temper tantrum, you may have to wait it out a while and hope she somehow gets a grip sooner than later.

Primarily though, you need to protect yourself.  Please remember this no matter how difficult it may be on you.  Document everything, and if need be, consider a restraining order.  RO's are usually last resort, but they exist to protect you.

[rags_and_feathers]

Thank you both for the feedback.  It's amazing what we can minimize and normalize (or at least overlook) when we  care     She hasn't directly threatened me, except one night when she was stating that she was coming over for her mail, after I had informed her that I had mailed it, and a couple of small possessions of hers that I'd found, to her mother's address (the only address I have for her.)  She didn't seem to comprehend that there was nothing for her to retrieve -- she then stated she was coming to visit the neighbors, in that case --- so I contacted them and informed them I was feeling threatened.

What scares me most, actually, is that she claims that her ex-boyfriend attempted to kill her.  For a long time I believed this, but now I am questioning the whole account, and wondering how much of that is projection.  If she projected that on to him... .? Her self hatred and self violence is so intense that I do fear what could happen if she projects that hatred outward, at me.

[rags_and_feathers]

Thank you Crazytrain (great name!)

I've thought about a restraining order, and I am keeping documentation, now, of all our messages.  Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of the early one, before I realized how serious this might get.  She, apparently, has saved every message or text or anything I've ever sent her!

[PhoenixRising15]

Advice from a fellow member here:

1.) do not believe anything she says - it is all an attempt to manipulate you.

2.) Get officials involved ASAP.  It sounds like she is dangerous to your physical and mental health.  Be that police, school, lawyers, whatever, don't give her any opportunity to engage with you as it will only hurt you.

The one thing I have to say, from my own situation, I'm glad you never got physically involved with her.  That only complicates the mess.

And keep comin back!  We're here for you.

[rags_and_feathers]

Thanks, QuestioningFaith --

I've pretty much accepted that I can't believe anything she says -- it's either lies, or it's being spun to manipulate me.  Since I "kicked her out" (her words) there has only been one very short conversation between us where she seemed lucid -- the rest of the time has been a lot of crazy and very twisted accusations and vitriol. 

I'm actually mostly worried that she might be capable of violence -- I wouldn't have said so, a year ago, but now I honestly don't know who she is anymore. Maybe I never did, but it is clear to me now that I can't predict her behavior at all.

While she was in the hospital, she honestly seemed to believe that I had stolen her car -- the reality was that I had no idea where her keys were ... .she had them last, the night of the 5150.  In her mind, that equated to me having stolen her car and that I was attempting to cover it up.  I had to have her mother come over and take a picture of the car, parked right where she left it, to get her to stop threatening to call the police and report me.   We finally found her keys in her room, under a patient file.

She posted the car accusation on facebook, and a number of people who have known me for years immediately jumped in to say that there was no way, on earth, that I would ever steal a car.  One of my friends did grab a screenshot of that before she hid the thread.

The scariest part of all, in a way, is that this woman is a psychotherapist (she is an intern).  I think she may still be seeing clients!   I don't know for sure, but she indicated to a mutual friend of ours that she was still working at her internship.  She claims to be getting therapy (again, I heard this from a mutual friend) but who knows if there is any truth to that, or not... .

Honestly, none of that is mine to fix (though I hope someone reported her mental state to her employer -- it isn't my place to do it, and I'd be terrified of the repercussions if I did) -- what IS mine to worry about is whether I am safe or not.

[crazytrain2]

Ahh... .this is horrible.  :'(  Keep steady.  And I know it is a gift and a curse of many of us to see through the sickness but we must 'walk away from our generosity'.  You realize she is sick, and you feel compassion for her, but you also fear her.

You have diverted her mail with warning. Check.

Stay still.  Those around her, particularly those that know you or of you will start to question not you, but her.  If you have not already, paricularly if she is 'saving everything'... .stay NC.  It seems crucial at this juncture.  Honestly, most people that prattle on about someone else on FB appear to have a vendetta and also appear immature.  If your circles include mental health professionals, they will likely see through it as long as you keep steady and do not respond.  Urghhhhh... .

[SeekerofTruth]

Agree with the keep steady and do not respond.

In some shape or form those are baiting attempts while she's dysregulated and not able to self-soothe in a more adaptive sense. 

  It would help, of course, if I wasn't afraid of her showing up at any moment attempting to cause a lot of problems in my life -- but that assurance just isn't there.

Yeah... .that's the part that sucks.  Feeling little to no assurance.  It's a psychological power and control game.

At some point, inquiring about getting a RO might make sense, from the aspect of STAY AWAY.  Perhaps an extinction burst... .

  The scariest part of all, in a way, is that this woman is a therapist ( intern).  I think she may still be seeing clients!   I don't know for sure, but she indicated to a mutual friend of ours that she was still working at her internship

Here's where it gets interesting.  I'm just curious what your mutual friend take of the situation is, particularly from the staNPDoint of her multiple prior self-harm attempts.  And by extension... .someone within her agency or advisor would likely know of this background as well?

Yup, the scary part for me is less that she may be seeing clients (newsflash:  indeed there are therapists who exist with BPD and untreated at that making lives terrible with some of their coworkers too), but instead the scary part is how apparently effective she is in either compartmentalizing and splitting off from her raging self-harming manipulative dramatraumas as it relates to you and your "history" with one another... .and then by day assumes the professional role.  its a Jekyll and hyde variation.

Remember to practice assertive calm and being able to walk or run away.  You may also consider having ready access to a voice recorder on your smartphone.  Her lack of rationality is disconcerting.  With nons or norms... .okay there can be an outburst of sorts during a difficult end... .but then the carrying on and carrying on... .(the super uptight need for absolute manipulative control as a means to calm while creating chaos and stress for others nearby).  At first she sounded high functioning, but that sounds very fragile.  Good luck maintaining boundaries, while letting go, and moving on.

[rags_and_feathers]

Thank you all so much -- I feel a lot of relief from getting this feedback and feeling seen and heard. 

I've been completely NC for about a month -- before that, I was responding to her accusations, trying to defend myself.  I blocked her on FB immediately after I ended the relationship, since FB was one of her favorite ways of passive-aggressively communicating. I never posted anything about her or the situation on FB-- I posted a vague status update that I was going through some major life changes, and that I would be somewhat unavailable until I figured things out.  I gather she posted up a big storm about me -- I've actually asked not to be informed of what she's posting unless it constitutes a direct threat to me or my reputation.  I've asked friends to send me a screen shot of any comments that I might need to have documented.

She continues to email me periodically, and I am not responding.

Our mutual friends who know her well realize that she is falling apart, and at least a couple of the ones in mental health recognize this as BPD -- wisely, they're wanting to steer clear of the situation as much as possible.   I don't know how she's viewed by her current employer, or how much they know about her history.  She lies pretty convincingly at times.   

She can be pretty high functioning in a professional setting, while falling apart once the professional veneer comes off -- at least historically, she could. The majority of the acting out happened when it was just the two of us present, though my partner witnessed a number of times that she went into rages, including one time that she cut extremely deeply and should have gone to the hospital for it (she refused to go).

The last time I saw her, she looked awful -- extremely thin, bad skin, dark circles -- it would have been hard to hide that something was wrong, but she veils a lot by attributing it to poor physical health.