Worried of the long term affects of this

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I too can relate to the fantastic times that can be had, holding hands while driving, driving day trips to places, grocery shopping together and even clothes shopping I mean what guy likes to do that. We were 24/7 together and I always thought men liked their space maybe that should have been a red flag as my fiance didn't have a problem with it.

Day 5 NC and he wasn't the first thing I thought of when I woke up so I think I'm making progress. Just a question if I had spokento my fiance before my parents got to our house in wanting my mum to be a part would that have made a difference? He keeps mentioning like this would condone his behavior towards them? People keep telling me that if not the wedding, he would find something else to have a problem about!

I'm in Australia too perhaps we should be worried Accepting

[loz1982]

I too can relate to the fantastic times that can be had, holding hands while driving, driving day trips to places, grocery shopping together and even clothes shopping I mean what guy likes to do that. We were 24/7 together and I always thought men liked their space maybe that should have been a red flag as my fiance didn't have a problem with it.

Day 5 NC and he wasn't the first thing I thought of when I woke up so I think I'm making progress. Just a question if I had spokento my fiance before my parents got to our house in wanting my mum to be a part would that have made a difference? He keeps mentioning like this would condone his behavior towards them? People keep telling me that if not the wedding, he would find something else to have a problem about!

I'm in Australia too perhaps we should be worried Accepting

[Iwalk-Heruns]

I too can relate to the fantastic times that can be had, holding hands while driving, driving day trips to places, grocery shopping together and even clothes shopping I mean what guy likes to do that. We were 24/7 together and I always thought men liked their space maybe that should have been a red flag as my fiance didn't have a problem with it.

Day 5 NC and he wasn't the first thing I thought of when I woke up so I think I'm making progress. Just a question if I had spokento my fiance before my parents got to our house in wanting my mum to be a part would that have made a difference? He keeps mentioning like this would condone his behavior towards them? People keep telling me that if not the wedding, he would find something else to have a problem about!

I'm in Australia too perhaps we should be worried Accepting

Wow both of yours are maybe the down under doppelgänger of mine. As weird as it sounds grocery shopping was a big deal for us and very warm memories for me. We did it almost everyday as he loved to cook. After his first discard I literally could not go grocery shopping without feeling like I wanted to vomit for months. Mine also would take me shopping and lavish attention on me. I loved his attention not the clothes as much. I too have said to myself wow what guy likes to do that.

And to answer your question NO!  Nothing you did would have changed it. He used it as an excuse like mine did. They do this to shift blame and justify their behavior. It would have been something else.

Remember! You didn't cause it and you can't change it. It is one of the hardest things for me to accept but I think I am on my way. In large part thanks to you all.

You are doing great for only 5 days no contact if you don't think about him when you wake up.

[Fish]

loz, he doesn't want to get married, in my opinion. He is looking for a way out that shifts the attention away from his defects to someone else.

In my experience, after 20 years with my udBPDw, who began finding fault immediately with my family as if they had done something to her, but they never did anything except welcome her, I have concluded that her fault-finding was about one thing only. Her fear of being discovered for what she is like and who she ISN'T.  She didn't want me to have the support of emotionally close ties with my family when the hell - which she knew would happen - broke loose, so she could maintain control through a credible victim status of her own. She did not want eyes watching her.

If you are young, understand that your future is long ahead and still to be made. It would be a huge mistake to start it out with a man so disturbed that he can treat you so badly emotionally. And make no mistake - his rejection of your family's participation in your marriage is bad emotional abuse. A man who loves you should be happy and secure, and encourage you to be close to everyone you love in your life and not treat your love for them - or their love for you - as a reason for rejection as if those loves are a cancer upon his existence.

[loz1982]

Yes I got emotional the first time I went into a supermarket, I must of been a sight, I was trying not to lose it when I was in the fruit section. Clothes shopping holds no joy at the moment, he did buy me things also but I think as I wasn't working and working for him not being paid, it was his way of paying me back. When I said I wanted to go back to casual work, he did seem to encourage it but at the same time resent it and make it sound like I am ungrateful for the life he is giving me. He said I was going to buy you a car, I never asked him for one and would never expect him to buy me one at this early stage but he seemed to resent me for that. I went back to casual work and suddenly I am responsible for all my expenses, even if I was just working a day or there, sort felt like he cast me out on my own.He did say he thinks my parents are to blame also for ruining our ability to work together on the farm.

Thank you so much for clarifying the wedding stuff, they seem to be able to twist things so you are convinced it is your fault even though nothing is an excuse for his behaviour. Can you honestly say you don't have a gripe to your partner about your parents every now and again, I mean sometimes parents frustrate us, nothing serious. He had frustrations he told me about as well but never did I know I was dealing with someone who would obsess about things like this and then use it against me! I would never hold it against his mum, all I was concerned about is how she treated me, like he should've been. That last line you wrote sums it up perfectly fish I never thought of it as emotional abuse re the wedding organisation but I can see now what you mean, why should they not want the people I love close to me, it doesnt make sense!

[Iwalk-Heruns]

My ex early on misinterpreted something my dad said and that was it for that. I told him right off the bat before he even met him that sometimes my dad can be kind of gruff even to me and don't take anything personally. Mainly harmless stuff. Just kind of old school. I was there when he supposedly said this and it wasn't much of anything at all.  During devaluation times he has told me I can't deal with the fact that you look like your dad. Even though in the beginning he was supposedly so attracted to me. I was thinking I can't help what I look like or be responsible for my father. I mean he hates his dad because he abandoned the family for another woman and family when he was 12. I don't hold that against him. He looks just like his dad. (And apparently acts like him). He then starts to say every time he was upset with me "oh ok insert dad's name, to me. Just to degrade me in his mind. He would have gone biserk if I ever said anything about his family. Which I never would do that.

[loz1982]

Oh so so true I know exactly what you are saying, my Dad talks a lot talk the ear off anyone which can be frustrating but he is a decent country guy! Anyone he has some one liners and is a bit opinionated but my fiance used to interpret anything he said as interfering like the time my dad said to him my mum never worked on the farm and he interpreted that my dad didn't agree with me working on the farm. Dad said to me not true he said out of his daughters I was the one he could see on the family. Dad mentioned flowers in the church for the wedding and just to be antagonistic my fiance said don't need them it's a place of worship. Dad said I'm happy to pay for them if that's a problem and took that as my Dad interfering. It must be exhausting to be always looking for bad things all the time. His mum emotionally abused him and he didn't have a fun childhood so I could resent her for that but I don't, bur obviously our thought processes are not the same!

[loz1982]

And yes I didnt have to say much about his parents and he went off. I said the fact that I resent the fact that your parents come and go as they please and mine aren't made to feel welcome and that was enough to set him off, even though I had copped abuse about my parents for a year!

[loz1982]

A week tomorrow NC I have got here because every time I have weakened I think will contacting him get me anywhere so it stops me. I only want to be happy at the moment and from other posts here it seems contacting the ex has brought nothing but upset why would I be any different? I won't deny I have wanted to hear from him just so I know he cares  

Does anyone else feel the guilt of abandonment? I came interstate to clear my head and my parents are here but he says we can't work it out with you there! I guess its the if I couldve done this scenario would it be any different.

Also my ex is on Luvox he took himself off cold turkey but I know now he is back on them. I read that is something people with BPD are put on to help them. Is this true? My ex went on them for anxiety and obsessive compulsive thoughts as he hasn't been diagnosed with BPD. Do you think long term on this Luvox would help him? Does only medication help?

[Accepting]

A week tomorrow NC I have got here because every time I have weakened I think will contacting him get me anywhere so it stops me. I only want to be happy at the moment and from other posts here it seems contacting the ex has brought nothing but upset why would I be any different? I won't deny I have wanted to hear from him just so I know he cares  

Hi Loz... .well done on taking some time out and sticking with it. Last night I was the most swayed towards contacting my ex that I've been since this period of NC began. I was so upset and missed him intensely after seeing people he knows at the local shopping centre yesterday afternoon - they didn't see me. It was so hard not to send him an email saying I loved him. I desperately wanted to reach out to him.

I came on to this forum and read others experiences and posts... .and with a little support I managed to decide not to break contact and to take a few panadol with a big glass of water and go to sleep (after more tears).

When I woke today I felt sad still but far less desperate... .the tears had helped distance me a little, helped ease some of the pain. I felt really glad that I didn't contact him. I think that unless you are happy to consider a future which has a likelihood of panning out along a similar path to the one you've already followed up till this point, then the best option is to let them go. So, so hard to stick to this resolve though I know. Hang in there. 

[loz1982]

I'm sorry about the pain your feeling Accepting I know exactly how you feel, I think my pain is lessened for me at the moment as I'm interstate so I'm not around any familiar landmarks or people. It might be a different story when I'm back. Is that what stops you from going back, the worry it will be the same again? I know deep down that will be the case and I'm pretty sure I would resent him for not getting the help he needs and for treating me badly even though I know he can't help it! Unfort I still have some stuff at our house when I go back so hopefully that doesn't set me back too much when I go back there! We are god parents to his friends daughter and her mum would like to catch up with me when I'm back which is nice but it might also set me back. I know I'll be a much stronger person and know what I want more out of this but it is a hard lesson to learn! I find the night times in bed the hardest that's when I have a bit of a cry, I just miss that contact and feel lonely!

[Accepting]

Yep. If I felt like there was any chance we could make this work then I'd be with him... .gosh, I felt he was my partner for life... .it felt so incredibly natural being together and I simply couldn't fathom why he'd push me away over n over again. I saw him 5wks ago and have not heard from him in 4wks, went NC from my own end about 3wks ago when I deleted all contact for him. Whilst I've been shattered by it all in the past, this time it feels like my most real attempt to really accept this is all bigger than I'm able to help him with and hence I have to be final about things with him. It hurts like crazy at times, then other times I'm pretty good... .calm, clear minded and resolved about it all. Night times or weekend times where I'm not preoccupied are the worst for sure. Also... .I still really want to hear from him... .I can't help having that feeling. Though it's futile as I know that hearing from him would do nothing good... .it would only mean that he was thinking of me in some form and appease those horrible feelings that arise from him sending his Silence my way. I love him from my heart and have never felt so selfless in relationships... .never felt like I could grow old with someone and love them despite adversity that life threw our way - yet this BPD or similar (he's not diagnosed-well hasn't told me if he is... though he is in therapy) is way over my head. I'd give anything to have it not be the case but it simply is the case. I'm on the Gold Coast btw... .I remember you saying you're in Aus too. Most posters are in the US I believe.

[snappafcw]

I live in Brisbane I am close by I grew up on the Gold Coast I'm sorry about your pain I feel very much like you. We are only human and care but we need to take our lives back

[Accepting]

I live in Brisbane I am close by I grew up on the Gold Coast I'm sorry about your pain I feel very much like you. We are only human and care but we need to take our lives back

oh hey   haha, that smiley waving icon is pretty funny... .thought I had to use it. Wow another Aussie and a local. I lived in Bris for over ten yrs... .been on the coast the last 4 or so. It's actually nice to know there's 'locals' on here cos I felt I'd posted on a US based forum and just felt like it was aimed at them - but it's been great posting n reading here either way. It's all the same issue in the long run - to varied degrees.

Know what's weird? I instantly wondered if you are a guy or girl cos my ex dated a few girls from Bris... .eek!

... .

edit... .just read your post in another thread. And you're a guy

[loz1982]

I'm in Melbourne it is nice to have some Aussies on here. I too have had to have Panadol before I go to bed a couple of times because I've had a lot of trouble falling asleep! I too also saw him as my soul mate we were getting married trying for kids so this is the furtherest emotionally I have invested in a relationship so it's very very hard to let those dreams go! There are times I'm also very good clear minded about things and seeing them for what they are, my friends say you are very strong and brave but not always like now I'm writing this as I lay in bed with tears in my eyes. I pick up my new car tmoz so at least I have something to be excited about!

[snappafcw]

I'm doing things for myself again. I'm sick of being upset all the time though and I think what doesn't help is all my nightshifts and lack of sleep. The fact its getting hot again doesn't help either I just wish my energy and motivation levels would stay up.

[Accepting]

Awww   that was me last night. Tonight I'm listening to a bit of Bliss n Eso which has kept those tears at bay. Bit hard to cry with B'n'E bashing it out .

I hope you get some sleep easily tonight... .though a new car would keep me up like it was Christmas!  

[fromheeltoheal]

This is cool, now I'm reading all these posts hearing an Australian accent.  G'day, mates!

[loz1982]

It is pretty exciting most people when upset go on a shopping spree I buy a car . Thank you I hope I can shut my brain off, reading a book to make me tired! Snappafcw keep doing things for yourself I wish it was hot here! I find going for a walk really gives me energy and clears my head. Night mate (heeltoheal)

[loz1982]

How are you feeling today Accepting? Did you ever for guilty for leaving or abandoning them as they believe? I keep picturing my ex sobbing saying he is going to need to find someone like me, god I miss him! He would need to get a lot of help before i went back as im not strong enough just to deal with it, the control, abuse and lack of my needs met. I just read that on another post about not having my needs met, because it was always about him, what i could do for him. It's like a revelation I've come to recently, it was a very one sided relationship. Did you find that? I mentioned BPD to him he said some of it doesn't apply to him and he can see me in the description, with that as his attitude nothing will improve!

[Accepting]

Firstly... .how is your new car?    

I don't have a car port for my car living here in a valley in the hinterland at my brothers so I don't have cover if I bought one and won't - but I too was thinking... .hmmmm ... .new car... .would be nice... .When I saw that was your therapy to yourself it made me smile.

Today I had a great work day and then treated myself to a belated b'day pressie of a facial with Estee Lauder. Very very unlike me. Buut... .I was thinking during the experience how I should start treating myself to more little things like this... .treatments, acupuncture... .maybe weekends away with friends - nice calming little distractions.

I'm a funny mixture of good n not so good this past week. I am really trying to stick to my resolve of moving on. I honestly feel a great want for him to contact me out of the blue - and am 50/50 on whether he will. But in reality it's best he doesn't cos I know that I want it only for confirmation that I mean something to him still and also in ways to prove that he's unwell - cos I think when you go no contact you disassociate with the reality of the situation and put them on a pedestal - ruminating about the good things that happened and downplaying the bad. The moment I read other's posts on this forum, I remember so clearly those heart shattering, sickening moments that is the reality of being 'with them'. If one good thing comes out of the shared stories and pain others go through on here... .it is remind those of us who are remaining no contact of what we can expect if we choose to go there and try to re-engage with our exes. It is an illness and it is something that we can not cure for them. No matter how much we want to or how much we fantasise about the what if's... .the what if we could just get passed the hurdle... .nothing will change. I've recycled enough times to know that I've put my all in to it. The only thing was, I didn't know that his behaviour had a name - now that I do I feel torn - could I try harder to make it work vs there's no point ever trying again. The latter is reality.

I feel like avoiding this site at times as it makes me think of him... .but it stops me wanting to reach out to him and that is so very important right now. I need solid ground between him and I... .I need to do the work to strengthen my resolve. All my family and friends want something special for me and they all dislike him so much - even that makes me feel guilty and bad - like sticking up for him... .and that is the issue here. Sticking by the person who is actually causing us the pain. Crazy making. Love is a little crazy even without what we're going through though isn't it?

How are you tonight?

[Accepting]

Btw, to answer your question... .Yes, I also found it was very one sided. I think that is because they are not able to meet us in the middle with things - effort, attention, commitment... .it's all things they want to be able to try and will say that they will try harder each time... .but it all comes crashing down quickly with the reality that they can't do this stuff for their own selves let alone for us.

I empathise with them I really do. I don't feel poorly, if anything I try to understand and get a grip on being lucky that I don't face this condition myself. It's horrible and would be a terrible affliction. I love him so much but I can not fix this. This is bigger than me... .and boy have I tried.

[loz1982]

My car is great thank you for asking, bit worried about driving it for the first time more powerful than what I am used too so love it and the new car smell! I'm going okay tonight a week today, evenings are the hardest but my parents have been great. We have our moments not easy living with the parents again but we are finding our routine now and putting on some much needed weight I lost!

My friends and family especially are not a fan, my friends out of loyalty to me are shocked to hear what I put up with, they never saw anything personally but are 100% sure I have done the right thing. My family have seen and heard first hand my ex's abuse in front of my sister and brother in law he said he wants a woman not a girl meaning me and has sent abusive emails and made abusive calls to my parents so it's a no brainer for them whether I leave or not. That I also have more reason to try and stay away as I would lose all respect from everyone and considering how he has treated my family I would eventually become more isolated from them in the future. No person should be isolated from people they love.

I too don't normally spoil myself but had a pedicure and manicure a couple of weeks ago and even though it was used to help with pregnancy at the time acccupuncture was the only relaxing thing in the latter part of our relationship. I wish I'd known about BPD earlier maybe I would've pushed it earlier re treatment as he was open a few months back when he thought he had anxiety problems. I def think I couldn't have stayed if he didn't get help as people talk about setting boundaries but my ex is not the sort to conform to boundaries it is his way or the highway! I have given him about 4 chances this being the only time I have moved out so if this isn't enough to wake him up losing the love of his life, I feel nothing will get him to get help!

We are lucky to have great family and friends hey! I'm a bit bored not working and keen to get back to a routine a job somewhere to live but know I can't rush these things. I don't know where I want to live!

Love is definitely not always smooth sailing but I don't think it should be as damaging to us as what we have been through. It is about respect compassion and meeting each others needs making the other as happy as possibly. None of that would explain my relationship.

[loz1982]

I had some contact tonight. A text asking how I was and if I am still coming back to Melbourne still if so what do I want him to do with my belongings? I said I'm still planning on coming back for a couple of weeks if it is okay to keep my belongings in the spare room. Said I'm doing well enjoying my new car and new iPhone and he said all you need now is a new man! Not sure why he made that comment? Felt a bit jolted in hearing from him even if it is just to see when I'm out of his hair completely!

[Accepting]

Yep... mine always said I deserved so much more than him, than what he could give me.

He was all I wanted.

When I recycled with him he'd say things like "wow, you still have my shirt... .I thought you'd have burnt it" - everything was dramatic like that... .he'd say he'd avoid gigs cos he didn't want to risk seeing me with a new guy. Those times I'd have been pining over him waiting on  his call. It's crazy making stuff.

[loz1982]

So hearing you, mine said have you still got your engagement ring or have you thrown it out. It is so special to me how could he think I would discard it like that. Also said if he sold the farm he would have to go interstate as staying in Vic would remind him of me too much. He was the one I wanted too, I don't care about material stuff, I never got the emotional things I was after, he could've been a garbage collector and I would've still loved him! I felt like writing back I DONT WANT ANOTHER MAN but I can't have him in the sense I want him or deserve. One message and I'm set back thought I was doing better than that . I take comfort in the fact I am crossing his mind!

[loz1982]

I got a text first thing this morning saying he still loves me but doesn't understand why i have relied on him to fix things with my family. Maybe because it is only his to fix. And so the text kept going rehashing the same stuff, and if I answered his text rationally no way he could rebutt, another issue would come into the next text. It is like he is grabbing at straws so I will never win. It was nice to hear he was still thinking of me but NC for a week hasn't made him anymore keen or gain anymore clarity to save our relationship. My parents have been apart of my life for 31 years and no one has the right to interfere in that relationship. Cant he see that he has made me choose? As someone has told me before, anyone who loves and cares for you would want those that love me involved in my life, not use it as a negative. He says I am the one you should come to now we are engaged and I always did but look where it gets me, it is used against me and my parents. He seems to want to control everything, I call him on it and he said my parents are controlling. Doesnt he realise these are my parents, I would never speak about his in this way!

[loz1982]

Hi, I'm struggling today, I have been made to feel guilty by my ex. I thought we had broken up officially a couple of weeks ago because he got sick of waiting around for me to clear my head. We had NC for a week and before that hadn't had even a day so I thought that was it, it was hard getting through each day but whenever I waivered I just had to read some of his text messages. Anyway i didn't removed my status on Facebook of Engaged, didn't feel ready for the whole world to know and wasn't ready to make that step. So he asked me after a week of NC am I still coming back (i'm interstate at the moment staying with my parents) to work and I said yes and then I got nice texts for the next few days. Then he asked am I going back to my parents after the work assignment and I was like yes I have nowhere else to go. He got very mad and said stop playing games I thought with your status you wanted to stay and work on things. I admitted I still loved him and my heart hadn't moved on but I thought I was over. I didn't mean to send him mixed signals but all the time I have been here he keeps blaming my parents and myself for what went on. He does say he has matured a lot and learned a lot from the relationship and he certainly did the wrong things but it is always with a but. (I abandoned him during the wedding talks, I am not united with him in the relationship, I need someone who is in love with me 150% (is that possible), I'm happier and back to being my old happy self possibly because I have all you out of my life, how cruel is that. Out of respect for you I am letting you know I'm going to move on with my life) I know he is hurting that is why he is lashing out but it seems when he isn't getting his own way he hurts me in the worst way possible. Its like because I might not be staying around I am the one responsible for this relationship ending. The things I mentioned in brackets are what he never gave me, I never had any emotional needs met, I was always trying to meet his. I find it so confusing as I feel so low at the moment maybe if I moved back I wouldn't feel like this but something holds me back, I think it is the worry I will end up feeling worse as nothing will change. He said I know I have talked a lot of bulls**t and excuses but what it comes down to is I don't like your mum, I was like okay not sure why as she hasn't done anything to you but why did you have to act on it. Plenty of people don't get along with their in laws but just tolerate for their partners sake, not mine! My feelings have never come into his head which I find really heart breaking as I mean more than that

[fromheeltoheal]

The things I mentioned in brackets are what he never gave me, I never had any emotional needs met, I was always trying to meet his.

Common theme around here.  Yet we stayed anyway.  This was and is a glaring question for me; why did I think that giving and giving was the best way to get?  And why did I keep giving even when she hurt me?  Processing... .

[loz1982]

Has anyone ever written a letter with all your thoughts not expecting a response but only for yourself thinking it may be a way to get through to the rational side of his brain. I'm tearing my hair out at the moment as the door is open to me but am afraid to go back as I feel they will be his terms and we will repeat the same process. I have so much to lose going back yet not getting any assurances! How can I love him but hesitate to go back so confusing!