Check in - trying not to be a sponge.

[PhoenixRising15]

Just checking in for today to help myself feel better by posting.

All along in my relationship, I was an emotional sponge.  She would rage, I would contain it.  She would cry, I would support her.  She would feel guilty, I would fold.  She would be happy, I would glow.

Last night I watched a movie and the main character went through a very traumatic experience.

In the moment, I found myself crying and thinking of her, and her trauma.  Feeling terribly guilty for not being more sensitive.  For not sucking out the venom of years of abuse and neglect (which i never could have logically even if i tried)

Then, I thought back to this board and the many people who have suggested turning it around.  I thought about my trauma.  The terrible things I witnessed and experienced, and I began to have empathy and compassion for myself.

I found myself angry at her.  So angry.  But not at her actions.  Her lies were the worst part.  It feels like 6 months of my life was gone. 

I ruminated on that a while last night, and tried to let go of the notion that I somehow caused her to lie and cheat and abuse me.

Again, it is the same story of my childhood trauma - i still struggle not to blame myself.

Then, this morning I awoke, thinking of her as usual (somehow this bothers me less as of late - i guess is just become routine and it will fade when it fades) and I immediately thought back to this board.

Someone said, "try to forgive them if you can, they are embodiments of their own worst childhood fears"

I see that now, and I am trying to forgive her, forgive myself, and not forget.  Not deny or repress that it happened.  Accept that I went through another trauma.  Process it.  See my part, work on myself, and make myself truly whole.  the person I want to be, the person I showed her.  My best self.

Hope everyone's havin a happy saturday.

[Rose Tiger]

This is difficult stuff Questioning Faith, it is the road less travelled.  Finding compassion for yourself is very important, unconditional love to your inner child and respect for them getting through so much the best they could.  Our inner kids are some pretty tough cookies.   

I hope your Saturday is great, too. 

[Healing4Ever]

I ruminated on that a while last night, and tried to let go of the notion that I somehow caused her to lie and cheat and abuse me.

QF - This is a constant struggle for me as well.  My first husband cheated on me and then we broke up, and he is still with "her".  That was 7 years ago (and one r/s with a pwBPD in the meantime, which BTW did nothing to help my self-esteem).  I still get caught up in feeling like *I* was the terrible wife to have been soo awful that he had to cheat on me.  I have to stop myself, and intellectualy remind myself that *he* chose to cheat, *he* chose not to work on communication so he could express whatever his problem was, *he* chose to turn away from the marriage.  *I* didn't want any of that, nor did I choose it.  A constant battle, because somewhere inside is a small child that feels broken, sad, and definitely worthy of causing another to cheat and leave. 

Thanks for your post!  I hope you had a good Saturday, and for what it's worth - keep on feeling the feelings and working it through.


H4E