Ex uBPDw raged at me kids pick up

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I picked up the kids yesterday for my weekend. The kids were excited and shouting ":)addy! Daddy!" As they came out. I don't go to the door because I don't trust her. I do controlled contact with her, only talk about the kids by e-mail. I didn't want to talk to her and I was just there to get the kids. She wanted to talk and then started raging at me, that same vitriol during devaluation and I was taken by suprise. She left 10 months ago and she hasn't done that to me in public since before she left. I have stuck to controlled contact for a month now. She also gets a little more aggressive from Oct to Jan. It was like a seasonal thing were she got pricklier, more aggressive and she would give me no choice but to leave every January for 7 of the 8 years I was with her. But this raging when she's with a boyfriend and we're done rattled me. I rarely walked away when we were together and she raged, but now I thought to myself "I don't have to stand here and take this abuse" I said nothing, grabbed the kids and left.

Has this happened to anyone else during pick up times? What do you tell the kids when they see mom treating dad like that?

[Mutt]

I picked up the kids yesterday for my weekend. The kids were excited and shouting ":)addy! Daddy!" As they came out. I don't go to the door because I don't trust her. I do controlled contact with her, only talk about the kids by e-mail. I didn't want to talk to her and I was just there to get the kids. She wanted to talk and then started raging at me, that same vitriol during devaluation and I was taken by suprise. She left 10 months ago and she hasn't done that to me in public since before she left. I have stuck to controlled contact for a month now. She also gets a little more aggressive from Oct to Jan. It was like a seasonal thing were she got pricklier, more aggressive and she would give me no choice but to leave every January for 7 of the 8 years I was with her. But this raging when she's with a boyfriend and we're done rattled me. I rarely walked away when we were together and she raged, but now I thought to myself "I don't have to stand here and take this abuse" I said nothing, grabbed the kids and left.

Has this happened to anyone else during pick up times? What do you tell the kids when they see mom treating dad like that?

[Matt]

How old are the kids?

I think if you can manage to not react in any way but just get the kids in the car and leave, that's probably best.

I wouldn't try to downplay what happened or make the kids think it's less than what it really is.  But if you can talk about the behavior and not the person that might be best:  "It's not right to say mean things to somebody else." not "Momma shouldn't do that."

Or better yet, if the kids talk about it, validate what they say - their perceptions and their feelings about what happened.  "Mommy got so mad!"  "You saw your mom talk to me like that and she seemed mad to you."  "Yeah!  I hate when she does that!"  "You don't like it when your mom gets too mad." etc. - reflecting back what the kids say, to show that you hear them, and that what they are saying is valid, but without injecting your own thoughts too much.

[Mutt]

How old are the kids?

I think if you can manage to not react in any way but just get the kids in the car and leave, that's probably best.

I wouldn't try to downplay what happened or make the kids think it's less than what it really is.  But if you can talk about the behavior and not the person that might be best:  "It's not right to say mean things to somebody else." not "Momma shouldn't do that."

Or better yet, if the kids talk about it, validate what they say - their perceptions and their feelings about what happened.  "Mommy got so mad!"  "You saw your mom talk to me like that and she seemed mad to you."  "Yeah!  I hate when she does that!"  "You don't like it when your mom gets too mad." etc. - reflecting back what the kids say, to show that you hear them, and that what they are saying is valid, but without injecting your own thoughts too much.

Thanks Matt. The kids are young. S2, S5 and D7. The kids didn't say anything. They didn't notice because they were focused on me. They're always jumping up and down in excitement when I pick them up. I felt like I was frozen for a second. I was taken by suprise. Thanks for the advice. I can't guarantee it won't happen again, but I agree with you. Focus on the behavior. I don't need to alienate the mother and validate the kids feelings. It's horrible to have to re-live an attack like that but on the brightside, I don't live with her anymore.

[Matt]

She may be wanting to hurt you somehow, out of anger.  Be very careful about false accusations - they're really common in situations like this.  Minimize contact - just get the kids in the car and go.  If you can have a non-family adult third party present, or do the exchange at a public place, that will be safest.

[Mutt]

She may be wanting to hurt you somehow, out of anger.  Be very careful about false accusations - they're really common in situations like this.  Minimize contact - just get the kids in the car and go.  If you can have a non-family adult third party present, or do the exchange at a public place, that will be safest.

I agree. She has been trying to engage me more by e-mail than she has done in the past, partly due I think to my controlled contact. I'll be honest, I have engaged her by e-mail, not arguing, but pointing out to her that the action was not appropriate even though she didn't like that I responded. She doesn't get it, or she doesn't realize that she even throws an outburst. Either way, I don't feel comfortable with her recent behavior and I don't feel comfortable with her trying to talk to me outside of things that are child related via e-mail.

I agree with you, going forward I'll continue to minimize contact even though this recent exchange after the weekend, and change the pick-up/drop off for kids at a public place.