Finally detaching

[lockedout]

38 y/o, separated from uBPD. It's been a while since my last post, but I've made some real progress over the past few months. A big part of what had been bothering me was finances - it was her last hold over me. I refinanced the property I own and moved back into after the separation in order to avoid going broke before I can sell it. It's something that had really bugged and consumed me; leaving me angry with myself for allowing her to keep me from making more logical financial decisions in the past. In the end no real financial damage was done and the anger of nearly going broke, anxiety of dealing with the bank, followed by dealing with her to sign the new mortgage (since we're not divorced yet) can serve as a reminder not to let that happen again.  This debt restructuring also worked as a catalyst for someone we both trust to enter the picture as a mediator and we're on the road to what should be a peaceful settlement. She's been a lot less confrontational since then, plus I think she has a new someone to idealize and take the heat off of me.

This mostly started when I went on a second date with a girl a few months ago that I'd started to develop some pretty strong feelings for. At the time I was just in a hold pattern and not making any real progress in detaching as much as I thought I was. I had her over for dinner and went all-out making it. Awesome time. She ended up spending the night; in the guest bedroom. The next day we were out and I got a text from the soon to be ex insisting that she had to talk to me and that we would need to meet up. I got anxious about it worrying about what it might be even after I had told her just to send and e-mail and it put a damper on the mood on the rest of the date; now on its second day. Although I felt a real connection, I knew I may have blown it by getting aggravated over some B.S. texts (the ex never did follow through with what she "needed" to discuss with me). Not really knowing what may come of a future with this new girl, I knew I needed to do something and that's where the re-financing came in. With or without her, I saw and got a feel for someone who cares about you is supposed to make you feel. But the lack of detachment and the stress of refinancing showed through and this new girl that I felt so connected to, kept her distance, and after a month I gave up on trying for a third date or calling her altogether.

I got the refinance done with some concessions to the ex via the mediator, consolidated some bills, and planned my first vacation in five years. I went on vacation completely on my own: not having to worry about pleasing someone else and was careful to do much of the opposite of what I'd do when on vacation with the ex. I took special care to avoid like the plague things "we" liked doing on vacation; whenever the hell that was. I'm back from vacation and splurging on things the ex always said "no" to. I'm still sad at times over what I'd hoped would be, but I'm smiling and laughing again. I'm getting my energy back and doing a lot more with my son (also because I can afford it) and I ran 8 miles yesterday. I'm starting to trust and believe in myself again. I'll also mention that this [really hot] girl that I'd written off texted me out of the blue right before I went on vacation and we ended up talking an the phone and making plans for when I got back. We spent some time together 2 weeks ago with both of our kids and last night (over 3 months since the last time) I was out with her on the best date I can ever remember.

I know I still have more detaching to do, but I'm finally starting to move on and it's enough for me to know it's not a false start this time. I don't know the future will be with the new girl (just that I hope there is one!), but I think what got me detached was to see what may be waiting for me when I do and how easily I can lose it if I don't, and that there's more to it that simply time and learning a new thought process.   

[allweareisallweare]

You now the light that was always there, the tiny little dot in your darkest hour? It was these days now ... .and they're bursting through and pushing all that black cloud away! As far as I am concerned, anybody who survives a BPD breakup is an absolute hero - lockedout, all the best, you inspire us all... .keep us in the loop!

[Waifed]

You now the light that was always there, the tiny little dot in your darkest hour? It was these days now ... .and they're bursting through and pushing all that black cloud away! As far as I am concerned, anybody who survives a BPD breakup is an absolute hero - lockedout, all the best, you inspire us all... .keep us in the loop!

Did you have to use the word "loop". 

Congrats lockedout!

[lockedout]

Thank you both for the words of encouragement. I'm may not be the best advice giver, but all I can say is that I really started shifting gears when I took the focus off the BPDer and put it on getting back to who I was before I met her. It's amazing how even simple things (yesterday it was going out for eggs benedict and enjoying the Sunday paper followed by a walk on the beach) can really add up. There's a time to focus on the anger and hurt (it's what keeps us for going back for more) but there's a time to move on.