The Habit of Grief

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So I'm close to 2 years out and have more good days than bad. I am very grateful for this lesson and know myself much better - and have come to like myself warts and all.

Yet there is no denying that some days the pain can still be quite intense. More a pull than a pain but something that keeps me feeling frustrated and that all of my hard work has been for nought, you know?

But if I don't want my exBPD back, then what keeps me stuck?

It's like the sadness or disbelief has become my default and that I have DO something to snap out of it. My default before my ex BPD was not this. It was something lighter and happier.

Anyone else still a bit stuck at times?

You having more luck than me in defining it?

If happily free of the pull, what got you over the last hurdle?

Thx

Bb12

[bb12]

So I'm close to 2 years out and have more good days than bad. I am very grateful for this lesson and know myself much better - and have come to like myself warts and all.

Yet there is no denying that some days the pain can still be quite intense. More a pull than a pain but something that keeps me feeling frustrated and that all of my hard work has been for nought, you know?

But if I don't want my exBPD back, then what keeps me stuck?

It's like the sadness or disbelief has become my default and that I have DO something to snap out of it. My default before my ex BPD was not this. It was something lighter and happier.

Anyone else still a bit stuck at times?

You having more luck than me in defining it?

If happily free of the pull, what got you over the last hurdle?

Thx

Bb12

[happylogist]

Hi bb12,

There is even a line from a popular song lyrics, "You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness

Like resignation to the end, always the end." 

I think it is very common to be stuck in the feeling, because it feels familiar, even though it is not constructive. Also being happier and lighter after any kind of traumatic experience requires a lot of mindful activities and willpower to change the things. But it is OK if we take the road a bit slower.

I find myself sometimes having an opposite reaction. For example I wake up and feel sad a bit, then I think that it is probably because of him.  To be honest I am over him. But more than for a year I was having the worst low moments in when I would wake up. It was my response to thoughts, rather than opposite as it happens now.  I think it is more habitual, after having my brain trained for receiving that much stress and thinking non-stop about him, replaying the episodes, rethinking, constructing "what if" scenarios, now I find myself a bit confused   I do not have any strong feelings for him, I am almost fully detached in my rational mind (using some terminology), but it is harder to let emotions go, so I have the feeling of sadness or loneliness sometimes. But I am sure if we continue working - it will get better.

Good luck!