Finally posting- daughter 18 who has BPD... I have custody of her 7 month old

[dgjmommy]

So this is my first post- I have a 18 year old daughter who has BPD and has had for a while( prob since 13)  It has been a very difficult few years and is at its worst right now.  I have had custody of her now 8 month old girl since she was 2 months. She sees her when it is convenient for her and it seems she is getting worse. She recently moved in with a friend in a really untaken care of small apartment.  She uses drugs, abuses alcohol, and engages in very unsafe relationships... She hates me one day- goes into rages, and then 5 minutes later is asking for money.

The father of her baby is an addict with no job and is not really in the picture to much.

I guess my questions are... .is there anyone going through this and what has helped? SHe does have a therapist but no medications as of yet. she has a very supportive family with all her grandparents, myself, her younger brothers, her father- yet we are all just sick over what to do.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Surnia]

 

dgjmommy

I am so sorry to hear about the your daughters diagnose and in the same time I am glad you found the courage to reach out to this board. 

Yes, there are other members here in similar shoes like yours. They can help you in the daily struggles. And we have also lot of articles and workshops.

Is your daughter working or dependent from you and her father/your husband?

Please stay tuned, dgjmommy!

Surnia

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, dgjmommy & I'd like to join Surnia in welcoming you. I'm so sorry for all the chaos and trauma that you are dealing with... .And, yes, there are many of us parents here who are dealing with children with BPD, and we do know how you are feeling... .

A parent's greatest wish is for their child, whatever their age, to be healthy and happy. When a child suffers from BPD, often not only is the child unhappy and unhealthy, but so is everyone who loves them. This mental illness severely affects everyone, creating drama and heartbreak, while also piling on the guilt and anxiety. Most parents search desperately for answers, and try all the gimmicks that popular culture tells us should work - only to face even more severe rages and acting out behavior.

There are answers though, and we are here to offer you the support and encouragement to help you reach those goals. There are things that can be done to stop making things worse and begin to make them better. A great place to start is with this set of resources: What can a parent do? We look forward to seeing you on the Parenting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board and hope you join us on this journey.

Please keep telling us your story, and asking your questions... .We really do care, and it will help you to learn how to get a handle on your situation. 

[qcarolr]

dgjmommy

Yes, I can step into your shoes. My gd is now 8. My BPDDD had just turned 19 when she was born. The daddy was a homeless 'traveler' that did just that off/on after gd was born. Then DD started on the on/off relationship with her little girl. She struggled with many labeled issues in her life - BPD being added when she was 23.

Gd always lived in our home - we took over primary care at 8 months - granted custody at 18 months. Looking back would have accepted intervention from social services back at 9 months, though we took a private path to custody.

The hardest part for me is to define the limits, and find the willingness to consistently implement them, for my gd's best outcome. I am so torn between the intense love/fear relationship with my DD and the real needs of my innocent gd. I am so sad that I did not really 'get' this until recently when Dd's life sank into an abyss.

AND THERE IS HOPE TODAY. By building my support network - to give me strength, courage, prayers, accountability with therapists for gd and myself - I have been able to step out of DD's way and be the 'mom' gd needs me to be. And dh has also stepped up to be unified in how we approach all of this.

There are many awesome tools to the right on the BPD Family Connections links. Let us know what you need today - we can help you get started. Take care of that baby girl -- you are her parent and she needs you to put her FIRST AND ALWAYS! Keep loving you daughter, and offer her opportunities to connect with other community resources to get her needs met. So hard to let my DD grow up!

qcr

[modafinilguy]

Oh yeah, definitely.

Pregnant young, drug abuse, addict partners, domestic violence, partners are no hopers, rages, yep all pretty much standard features of many of the BPD teens I have dealt with !

She needs specific psychological therapy. An active, involved therapist.

atypical neuroleptics, are a medication that in LOW DOSES can help, but risk of side effects, can be very bad if they decide to overdose on them, they are NOT a cure.

You can only offer some support, and consider the best interests of the child. You may not be able to change the entire course of your daughter's life, I would not recommend her living with you if at all possible.

Offer he the best advice and support you can give, but keep your boundaries up- not to be harsh to her, but protect you and the child's best interest, but don't like be over the top about it.

Calmly and in a concerned caring way (not angry, criticizing) gently and occasionally raise "worries" you have such as the boyfriends drug use, her drug use etc. It does register. It may take a while, but eventually it may click with her.

Best wishes.