Still stumbling

[dharmagems]

Some must know what I'm going through.  I started the divorce process last year and got my final decree in March this year.  My xBPDh earned the money in our marriage and supported us.  I was also dealing with PSTD from the detatchment of my ex.  I've also made a really hard decision to try to have a child on my own (I turned 40 this year) and have the child I so wanted.  It was so hard to start In Vitro Fertilization this summer alone with a negative result.  It was so hard not to call my exBPDh because he used to soothe me when times got tough, like a mother would soothe a baby.  I had an abusive N Mother.  So,  I moved to another place with difficulties dealing with another even crazier BPD roommate, got out of that within a month, then moved to another apartment.  The newer people are sane, still, I am dealing with new roommates and overcoming my social anxiety.  I just want to be alone in my apartment and have control and quietness, and not have to chit chat after a day at work and on fertility meds.  A positive is that I am practicing my boundaries and protecting myself and I'm not talking to roommates about my personal life.  Now I found work in a laborous low paying job and starting over again financially.  I chose to get a place with roommates because it saves money to use the money for medical treatments.  Recently, this past month, I was on meds and hormones again,  I finished a Frozen Embryo Transfer, and negative results.  I know about the Zen teachings of attaching to results.  I tell you, these past years were some hard roller coaster times.  Today, I am not feeling good.  I think, I am doing what my body can allow, with the meds, appointments, the new move, dealing with the trauma thoughts, the small socializing to meet new people, the laborous job, and hiding it all from the world.  I also have a health condition where I am managing hypoglycemia, I have to prepare and bring food everywhere with me.   Life is so hard now, really.  I still have thoughts to call my ex for him to help soothe me.  Other friends arn't the same... .I know my past therapist said I have to be my own mother now.  I am going to see a new therapist next week.  I know this is a depressing post.  When times are tough, how can I find that mother to soothe me? 

[fromheeltoheal]

Wow dharma, you've got a lot going on.  The short answer is to learn to self-soothe, then you don't need any help.  Beyond that, and I'm working on it too, is to start real relationships with one or two people, relationships based on mutual trust and respect, people you can talk to who have your back, and you can safely say what's on your mind without being judged.  New for me, I only started about 8 months ago when I started to get a clue after borderline hell, but I've already noticed progress, and I ain't quittin', because it's the right way to live.  You mention same roommates; are any of them candidates for a closer relationship?  Siblings?  Keep looking for opportunities, because it's right.

[dharmagems]

These new roommates are fine.  One of them is an older man, 10 years my senior, and one of them is a younger woman, 10 years my junior.  They have their quirks and personality, nothing major.  I like to keep them somewhat of a distance because I don't trust them with my deeper vulnerabilities.  It is easier talking to the female, just because she's female, because I need a break from male energy now.  There's some people in the groups that I belong to that I'd like to try to start and form a friendship.  I went to a museum with one this past weekend, and still, these are young relationships.  I don't want to reveal anything really yet. 

[ucmeicu2]

Some must know what I'm going through. <cut>  It was so hard not to call my exBPDh because he used to soothe me when times got tough, like a mother would soothe a baby.  <cut>  Life is so hard now, really.  I still have thoughts to call my ex for him to help soothe me.  Other friends arn't the same... .I know my past therapist said I have to be my own mother now.  I am going to see a new therapist next week.  I know this is a depressing post.  When times are tough, how can I find that mother to soothe me? 

hey i didn't think it was depressing ~ just raw and honest.  yes, i think i know what you're going thru and i have to 2nd what heeltoheal said:  learning to self-soothe is where it's at.  i gotta confess, i've given it lip service for a long time.  now i'm really trying to do it.  and ya know what?  it works! 

my xBPDgf, like yours, soothed me like a mother would a baby.  well yeah, that was awesome but it's just not an option now so i've started doing it for myself.  actually hugging myself, stroking my face and hair, maybe even kissing my hands and arms.  simultaneously soothing verbally.  might sound weird but it's really sweet. 

i hope you'll try it and that it will bring you some peace. 

[dharmagems]

i've started doing it for myself.  actually hugging myself, stroking my face and hair, maybe even kissing my hands and arms.  simultaneously soothing verbally.  might sound weird but it's really sweet. 

i hope you'll try it and that it will bring you some peace. 

Thanks ucmeicu2, I'll try it!  It sounds it can be helpful.  I also video journal.  Video journaling is great because I could be expressive as I want like talking to a good friend that won't be judgmental.  I also do some self soothing.  I think I'll just focus on making video journals that self soothe, like a mama would a baby. 

[ucmeicu2]

Thanks ucmeicu2, I'll try it!  It sounds it can be helpful.  I also video journal.  Video journaling is great because I could be expressive as I want like talking to a good friend that won't be judgmental.  I also do some self soothing.  I think I'll just focus on making video journals that self soothe, like a mama would a baby. 

you're welcome!  (love your name, btw!) so when you say 'making video journals that self soothe, like a mama would a baby' do you mean something that you will go back and watch when you're upset? 

the thing i've started doing for myself (hugging/stroking hair,face/verbal soothing, etc) is when i'm waaaay out there, depths of despair, fetal position, you know what i mean?   it's what the x used to give me, now i have to learn to give it to myself or else i'll forever be in danger of recycling w/her to get my needs met.  she cannot meet my needs.  hmm maybe this is something i need to start my own thread on?  don't mean to hi-jack yours.

[dharmagems]

when you say 'making video journals that self soothe, like a mama would a baby' do you mean something that you will go back and watch when you're upset? 

the thing i've started doing for myself (hugging/stroking hair,face/verbal soothing, etc) is when i'm waaaay out there, depths of despair, fetal position, you know what i mean?   it's what the x used to give me, now i have to learn to give it to myself or else i'll forever be in danger of recycling w/her to get my needs met.  she cannot meet my needs.  hmm maybe this is something i need to start my own thread on?  don't mean to hi-jack yours.

ucmeicu2,

I just made a 10 min video of me validating the looker and looking very interested and concerned and listening. I also gave the looker a foot massage and a big hug.  I told the looker,"you're ok, that's alright, ohh, it's hard what you're going through.  ohh, I understand... ."

I watched and I talked and hugged me in the video and I cried.  I got into it.  It reminded me of how my x used to soothe me, but I stayed with it.

I guess what I need is a big hug and validation, and soothing---and no, I can't get it from my X or I'm back in the madness again. 

[ucmeicu2]

ucmeicu2,

I just made a 10 min video of me validating the looker and looking very interested and concerned and listening. I also gave the looker a foot massage and a big hug.  I told the looker,"you're ok, that's alright, ohh, it's hard what you're going through.  ohh, I understand... ."

I watched and I talked and hugged me in the video and I cried.  I got into it.  It reminded me of how my x used to soothe me, but I stayed with it.

I guess what I need is a big hug and validation, and soothing---and no, I can't get it from my X or I'm back in the madness again. 

i think it sounds really wonderful and i'm glad to see you taking such good care of yourself.  {{hugs}}

[heartandwhole]

Really brave of you dharmagems and great work.    I can understand how tough it is to start all over.

For the self-soothing, something very helpful that I learned from the book The Journey From Abandonment to Healing was to write a conversation between my mature parent and inner child.  It sounds similar to what you are doing in your video journals.  For me, writing it slows things down, so that I stay with it a bit longer, but sometimes I just do it in my head.

So, I'll ask "little heart" what she is feeling, what she needs/wants, and then listen to her.  Then, as the mature adult, I'll respond with something really loving and validating, and often I'll visualize myself holding her, looking into her eyes, and telling her that I love her. Then it's back to her, then back to mature adult, until she expresses what she has been holding back and feels better.  Sometimes she's so quiet that I have to coax her a bit.

It sounds really hokey, but it's very sweet.  Most of the time I'm in tears, but sometimes we laugh, or she just wants to play.  It's feel good to take care of myself like this.  I still have lots to learn.

I like ucmeicu2's suggestion of physical touch, too, I think touch is very important.

Thank you for sharing dharmagems, you are taking care of yourself and that's a great example for all of us here.