Living Separately--My Fantasies Come True

[peacebaby]

After 12 years of living together my partner Carmel and I are finally going to live in separate places. We've needed to do this for years but always feel too broke, but now we're just gonna do it anyway. Neither one of us can live with the way she treats me anymore. I am extremely excited because her huge dark vibe will be gone from my home, and yet I will be able to see her whenever we want to see each other. Stop blaming and taking each other for granted, separating our finances, but staying in a committed relationship for as long as we both desire.

The hell part is being broke, way behind with rent, and needing to get a room mate for this apartment that I may still get kicked out of anyway. Really stressed about that, even though I've been joyfully planning out how the apartment will work with a room mate, just not knowing where I'll live or who with is freaky but it's better than knowing I have to live with someone who abuses and shames me.

Carmel's subletting with a friend starting Dec 1, and that's my room mate date goal. Not sure how I get a roommate to move in when it's possible we'll be evicted... .but if I have to leave here, that's cool too. There are places I can afford, and not living with the memories here would be fantastic too.

So it's a win win but this month is already hard. We had a deep meaningful conversation last night, she's been crying then bhity today. It's hard to make this choice when you're in love and used to living in a comfortable situation, but it's just not comfortable anymore by a long shot. I need to be me for a while, have my own space, start again, but myself back together in a non-abusive environment.

I know that once she's gone life will feel much more free. Mine again. And I will never, ever allow my home to become unsafe again.

In case you're wondering what got us to this point,  I think this is what happened... .She had a back operation, and then broke her foot, so she's been lying around acting like an invalid since January, expecting me to take care of her as if our whole history of me sacrificing everything to take care of her hadn't killed that desire in me. I mean, I took care of her humanely, but not gracefully. I haven't had any consistent time alone in almost a year, so things have been at the breaking point. I've been clearer and clearer to her that this has to stop, we have to get apart. She took a step up in breaking things this year--priceless heirlooms, my cell phone, the computer, lots of glass. I've been fighting back physically instead of just defending myself, and that's changed the dynamic a lot. The other day when we were arguing, she put her hands around the neck of my 13 year old cat, and that was it. Just it. She didn't hurt her, but she took it the one step I couldn't abide--hurting the cat or even pretending to, was something I believed she could never ever do. But she did. And I freaked--instead of calling the cops or a friend of mine, i facebook messaged three of her close friends. The calls I didn't make would have caused things to end then, with everything bad and ugly. Her friends, on the other hand, I jut told them she crossed a line and I needed help and could they find her a place. I know that wasn't appropriate but I had to call out for help. And I guess that's what started her on the road to this new apartment--having to discuss the situation with her friends on a new level.  I've just had less and less of a willingness to endure behaviors that she should have gotten over years ago. Less and less ability to allow my laziness to rule my life and let good cuddling and the dream of a two income household be more important than not being hit. Allowing myself to seriously fantasize about my life apart from her, how good it would feel to not have to deal with her 24/7 anymore. Finally realizing that though she's gotten way better over time, she totally let herself regress this year to the point that I have very little pity or compassion left for her. I know now that if we keep living together things will never really change, only get worse. The hands around the cat neck was proof of that--even if she didn't hurt her (and the cat was sitting next to her half an hour later so I figure she didn't) that is a line that cannot be crossed. I signed on to protect that cat. Period.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive her for all this, but I know I'm going to forgive myself. Trying to stay in a positive thought place about all of it. But it's just time--I turn 50 this year and I need to be on a new road--no longer surviving what life throws at me, but making considered choices instead.

I truly believe that if we hadn't moved in together originally, things would never have gotten as bad as they did. As they are. But we are still working on salvaging this--she is finally giving me what I need--my freedom back. I really advice separate domiciles for these relationships.

Anyhow, this new kind of staying is going to ROCK!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Surnia]

Hi peacebaby

Good news! I can relate with your relief about a free and safe home. 

I have similar thoughts about separated homes as an option for some difficult rs. This came in my mind after divorce and when my exh turned from the super hostile to very supportive... .and when I see him now with his new gf - not living together.

I truly believe that if we hadn't moved in together originally, things would never have gotten as bad as they did. As they are. But we are still working on salvaging this--she is finally giving me what I need--my freedom back. I really advice separate domiciles for these relationships.

[izzitme]

Good for you!  I can hear your excitement and I'm so happy for you. I'm glad  she didnt take it as an abandonment.  My uBPDbf and I don't live together and we feel that in the long run that will keep us together until most of the kids are grown.  We have kids from our previous marriages.  I don't want my kids to be raised in the hostile environment that he creates.  He becomes extremely dysregulated about his environment and cleaning and flies off the handle too easily with his children, shaming them.  I want my kids to feel at home and have it be nuturing. It gets lonely for me sometimes though, especially when either of us don't have our children and he is pushing me away by orchastrating some new drama or crisis.

[peacebaby]

Thanks for responding! Things are not easy--she's real depressed and acting out a bit on facebook, and blamed me for crazy things last night, turned into a tirade, I slept in the living room, smiling because it will soon be my bedroom.

It's hard. It feels like breaking up. But it's not. Perhaps it will be. I don't know. Trying to stay focused on the positive. This time next month will be very different. Fingers crossed.

[Wanda]

hi peacebaby  

long time no hear glad you made a stand funny how fifty does that did for me also  in a lot of things, i remember the weight that got lifted years ago when we separated and he lived with his mom// glad to hear from you

[Vindi]

i wish you the best on not living together, and hoping that your relationship still survives  living apart... .you will never know until you try and i truly hope things work out ok, and glad you will have some peace in your life at you home.

[committed]

Hey peacebaby. You made the right decision although I understand how hard it is for you.  I would love to make the decision you've made myself, but until my BPDbf has another surgery and is unable to return to work and make some money of his own, there is no way for us to live separately. I love him and want to be with him but he has been dysregulated for months now and I think the only way to end it is for us to be apart for a while.

The only advice I have is to hang in there and be true to yourself. We all know the right answers. We've all read the books and heard the advice. We know things aren't working and that we deserve more but it's so so very hard to take that step. You took that step and you're on the way to improving your situation. I'm very proud of you. I truly hope you will be able to find the peace you need, and maybe even hold on to your relationship. The possibilities are endless. Just keeping telling yourself that everything will be OK and you are doing the right thing.

Hugs 

[peacebaby]

Thanks guys! Glad a couple people I know are still around! 

Oh this is TOTALLY the right decision, whether we end up breaking up or stay lovers  for the rest of our lives. I just can't live with this toxicity anymore.

Always the dream that things would get better,and they would, but it still wasn't enough. The dream of a true  two income household. Never happened. Recently I realized the money she's making now isn't actually enough to help pay half of anything. If I'm gonna be 50 and broke, that's MY broke, not hers. We kept waiting until we were making enough money to split up, and  that might be part of why she never made enough money! Either way, her craziness and financial issues are no longer my problem. So furkin thrilled.

And yesterday she tells me she's leaving on 11/15! Only ten more days of this and I'm free!

Also finding myself with more loving feelings towards her now, the excitement of being able to have the space to really love her again.

I will be keeping in touch. Partially because so many of us need to get the space of living apart and I want to show that it can be  done, even when broke~

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Peacebaby,

I wish you the best on this new part of your life journey! Sounds like you've thought about what you can and cannot accept. I'm happy for you 

[peacebaby]

I've known for a long time what I cannot accept. What's happened is she has freed me. It's breaking her heart, but she has finally seen that she can't keep doing this to me.

She is keeping her space from me now, emotionally and physically. While I feel more loving, knowing that the pain of living together is almost over. I hope that she will get past this, because I do want to be her partner. But if it needs to end, or if we need months before we see each other, that's okay too. Being near her is so triggering and I am so furkin tired of that.

Met up tonight with my old friend who's moving into the apartment when C leaves. He's a nut job, but we have some of the same issues and are gonna have a two month trial period to see  how it goes. I think it should be okay.

Being more open with friends about what a biotch C is feels good. My new room mate is most likely to understand the worst parts, but I think everyone's expecting us to break up. Maybe I'm silly to think we aren't actually breaking up now.

I feel sad sometimes. Holding her still feels so wonderful. She's moving out a week from today. I will keep posting in Staying as long as I feel we're still together.Other than the distance, she's been behaving pretty well,though she ripped up the papers she was supposed to sign to get her off my bank account. They've deleted her card and I've changed the password, so I should be okay.

I feel so free. I am not thinking of it as failure, but as the time we need to figure out who and where we are and what we  want. I want to see  where we go without holding each other back.

In your average relationship, one does not have to go through all this simply to get some alone time. Jesus Christ.

[eeyore]

Oh this is TOTALLY the right decision, whether we end up breaking up or stay lovers  for the rest of our lives. I just can't live with this toxicity anymore.

You will feel so much healthier and at peace when you have time away from the toxicity.  My suggestion is you spend some time with friends that you might have been out of touch with.  It's good for the soul.

[peacebaby]

Thanks Eeyore. The friend who's moving in is someone I've been out of touch with who I've known twenty years, so I figure that will be good. And I'll have more money to do social stuff with people.

The fact that I will be in control of my home, that there will be no one here to furk with my brain all the time, it will be so wonderful. We are both going to be so much happier in a couple of weeks.

For those of you lurking on this thread, feel free to chime in.  

On and please note that I've been at this board on and off since 2008 and just changed my avatar for the first time. The new photo is where peacebaby comes from--a muppet like this one, or perhaps this exact one, Janice, giving the peace sign and saying "Peace, baby." Kind of an FYI really.

[peacebaby]

Hey, check this out! Looks like I was the last person to get that C and I are breaking up! 

I figure I'm the last to get it because my feelings haven't changed--I love her but I need to be away from her. I was totally ready to break up if that's what was required to get my life back. But my dream that she would keep getting better and we could  have the life we dream of wasn't dead. Turns out we're going to totally separate for a  long time and only perhaps will we choose to return to each other. My dream was the fantasy that kept me in this wonderful/nightmarish relationship for 12 years.

Earlier today I said to her, ":)o your friends think we're breaking up, because my friends think we're breaking up."

And she said something like,"You seem to be the only person who doesn't get that we're breaking up. I think about the path of our relationship and what happened is mostly my fault. The fact that you still want to be in this relationship is the thing you need to think about."

So it's off to Leaving I go. If any of you want to continue  to follow my story, please do.

Peacebaby out 

[eeyore]

It doesn't matter what board you are posting on, I'll be a friend for you to lean on. 

[Grey Kitty]

  Ack, that is an ugly way to find out that you are breaking up.

How are you taking it?

[peacebaby]

It doesn't matter what board you are posting on, I'll be a friend for you to lean on. 

  Thanks Eeyore. I don't completely get how that works, but okay I guess.

 Ack, that is an ugly way to find out that you are breaking up.

How are you taking it?

Well, I've been telling her we need to live apart for years now, and she's always said we'd need to break up if that happened. Finally she's moving out, and I think it would be better to ease into breaking up, or making a non-cohabitating relationship work, but she's right--we are way too toxic for each other right now to call it a relationship or to focus on it as a relationship. We need to just leave it alone for a while.

In general I am still thrilled at the freedom that begins a week from Sunday when she will be gone. Most of her stuff will be gone. And she will no longer have keys to my apartment or access to any of my money. I love her but I'm done. Maybe someday, but it's foolish to think we'ere gonna want to see each other. We argue constantly. I have a LOT of healing to do.

[committed]

I'm not so sure a person with PBD would be able to ease into a breakup very easily. At least I don't think my BF could. For him it is all the way in or all the way out. Living in the middle land involves a little gray thinking and he is a black and white thinker.

Some food for thought, Peacebaby... .are you really wanting to be with C and who she is or are you wanting to be with the person you dream she could be?  it's so easy to forget the bad times when we're lonely and dream of how it could be. I'm not saying it's not possible... .but keep your focus on you and what you want out of a relationship. You deserve it!

[peacebaby]

I'm not so sure a person with PBD would be able to ease into a breakup very easily. At least I don't think my BF could. For him it is all the way in or all the way out. Living in the middle land involves a little gray thinking and he is a black and white thinker.

Some food for thought, Peacebaby... .are you really wanting to be with C and who she is or are you wanting to be with the person you dream she could be?  it's so easy to forget the bad times when we're lonely and dream of how it could be. I'm not saying it's not possible... .but keep your focus on you and what you want out of a relationship. You deserve it!

Of course I don't REALLY want to be with her. Of course the C I want to be with is the best one, the one that treats me well. But that doesn't come without the abuse, so I'm out. It's ovah.

It's really easy to not think about her romantically--all I have to do is picture her coming at me in a rage, and my sweet memories are nothing in comparison.

Maybe some other year, but for now, I am single, I am free.