Recycled/Used up quickly and pissed hurt and many other emotions all in one.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Good Evening All,

This is my second post. My first one was and introduction to my situation with my BPD ex Girl. Don't want to leave a long post like last one to save you all the trouble of having to read another essay worth. Dint even know why I'm writing this to tell you the truth maybe a form of venting or maybe some weird sense of validation that I'm looking for subconsciously.

We have been broken up for about 4 months with minimal contact here and there. Some good and some bad convos. At the time I was looking to accept her back and was researching as much as I could on her sickness so I could help as much as I could. She is aware of these efforts. Last week early on in the week I got an email from her stating she was still sad and everything still hurt even though she tries to smile like everything is ok. She reminded me that day would have been our anniversary. I responded with conforting words and later on that night stayed up and wrote an anniversary poem which I stayed up most of the night writing. I sent it to her as a gift and said even though we are not together I want you to be happy. Fast forward to that upcoming weekend I get a email from her saying "I dont mean to explode on people but I do how can anyone love me". Of course me the idiot Mr Hero complex codependent looser responds I love her very much and always have and that I want to battle with her side by side. I called her from my house phone and left a message stating that I would be out with co-workers just in case she called and the music was interfering with me hearing my phone but would constantly check my phone just in case she needs me. She then basically sent me a suicide note to leave to her father just in case the sickness took her from what she said. SHe also sent me an angry message stating "You left me a voicemail saying you are at a party while Im suicidal"? Of course me again Mr idiot Fake Hero Looser dumb ass gets on a bus and heads to Jersey in attempts to save her. I took a cab from the bronx to manhattan which cost me 50 bucks then bus to Jersey another 20. I get there and fake save the day. If your reading this I think you already know how this story is going to go dont you ? Anyhow I was guarded and worried simultaneously she looked thin and weak and told me she is so happy I came and wouldnt know what would have happened if I werent there. Her fridge was empty dishes piled up and again she looked fragile. SHe stood in front of her room and I told her Im sleeping on the couch and to come talk to me if she wanted to across from me on the other couch. She instead went to the kitchen which caused me to immediately get up and follow thinking there are knives there she sat on a chair instead and I sat across from her. We talked and I asked her has she been eating blah blah blah more concern stuff and expressed all my worries about her. After some time she was dosing off and I picked her up and put her in the bed. Of course she asks can I lay next to her. and there you have it fast forward and we are kissing and rolling around in the bed bumping pelvises all night long.

The next day I woke up and called out from work. Why cuz Im stupid and obviously a sucker. I took her car and got her groceries but did not pay for them she did. She told me she was feeling weak at times and cant even move at times out of bed thats how depressed she is. What I did pay for was some flowers for her to again make her happy. We spent the day together that day and had sex a numerous amount of times maybe about 6 or 7 or maybe even more. She previously had me blocked on calls. Why? Well thats what they do apparently from what I read. She supposedly unblocked me and even texted me while I was shopping however for some reason when I text back I got no answer. I get to her house and said I texted you I dont think you can get my texts still she said "Oh I didnt get any texts weird". I left and went back to NY she texted me again and said babe let me know you got home safe". I texted when I got home but got an email instead asking if I got home yet. I responded to the email and said yes I got home didnt yoou get my texts. Again she said no. The next couple of days she kept emailing instead of texting and the emails kept referring to me as "baby" something I was uncomfortable with so soon but still went with the flow cuz Im a dumb ass and in love with her again cuz Im a dumb ass. On maybe the 3rd day I got a weird text from a random number stating that my ex was a bhit. Weeks prior the same number texted me asking me some weird stuff but not responding to me. II had asked her about it before and she said no it had nothing to do with her. But this time it was too blatent and her name was said plus I was emailing her the same exact day. It seems like honestly it is her doing it somehow. ANyway I called her from my phone and got the feeling an app was installed to block my calls and texts. I tested the theory multiple times to find out it was indeed true. Why do I know beucase Im familiar with the app Ive had something similar before. Like a flash of light everything started to flash back before my very eyes. I was bamboozled. I could see all the lies I could see everything that happened I could see everything in slow motion replaying from the moment I walked in that door to even before when she sent those emails. I was furious and let it be known I was furious through a flurry of emails letting her know I knew. She of course tried to still manipulate the situation with more waif BPD victim bull ish. For those of you who have not read my intro story this woman already had downed a bottle of pills and I was in the hospital with her while we were together and drove myself crazy with worry at the time.

Anyhow there are so many details I could write about this last recycle however this has once again been too long of a story once again. I apologize once again. I feel stupid. I feel like the fool of the century. I feel weak. I feel less then a man. I feel like I should be taken out back and shot for my foolery. I read and read and read trying to equip myself to help this girl and in reading knew of all the stories yet I still denied and denied and denied the knowledge that I had to protect myself from this. Im a manager in a fitness club which Ill tell you is a mocho environment. I used to be able to hack it. Locker room/Constuction worker type jokes but honestly I cant take anything right now. Im always on edge. I dont tell anyone how Im feeling but apparently people can constantly see pain in my face. I know what the thought is amongst that type of environment. "Why dont you just man the F up". I wish honestly there were a man the f up button I woulda pressed it loong time ago. I hate feeling weak. I hate that I still love her even now. I hate that there is somethign inside me that still worries about her and feels regret for even telling her about herself when I definitely have the right to vent that I just been used up. IF any of you find the man up button out there please pass it over here so I can press it . Anyhow Ive been no contact since this incident. Deleted my hotmail account and am in the process of deleting my gmail account after I tranfer the emails that I feel I need. Probably going to change my number also. HOnestly though she is probably going to show up at my house one day and I am working on the strength to resist that crap. SOrry for the lenght of this guys and If you read this thanks for listening to this loser. Be Well

[AG]

Good Evening All,

This is my second post. My first one was and introduction to my situation with my BPD ex Girl. Don't want to leave a long post like last one to save you all the trouble of having to read another essay worth. Dint even know why I'm writing this to tell you the truth maybe a form of venting or maybe some weird sense of validation that I'm looking for subconsciously.

We have been broken up for about 4 months with minimal contact here and there. Some good and some bad convos. At the time I was looking to accept her back and was researching as much as I could on her sickness so I could help as much as I could. She is aware of these efforts. Last week early on in the week I got an email from her stating she was still sad and everything still hurt even though she tries to smile like everything is ok. She reminded me that day would have been our anniversary. I responded with conforting words and later on that night stayed up and wrote an anniversary poem which I stayed up most of the night writing. I sent it to her as a gift and said even though we are not together I want you to be happy. Fast forward to that upcoming weekend I get a email from her saying "I dont mean to explode on people but I do how can anyone love me". Of course me the idiot Mr Hero complex codependent looser responds I love her very much and always have and that I want to battle with her side by side. I called her from my house phone and left a message stating that I would be out with co-workers just in case she called and the music was interfering with me hearing my phone but would constantly check my phone just in case she needs me. She then basically sent me a suicide note to leave to her father just in case the sickness took her from what she said. SHe also sent me an angry message stating "You left me a voicemail saying you are at a party while Im suicidal"? Of course me again Mr idiot Fake Hero Looser dumb ass gets on a bus and heads to Jersey in attempts to save her. I took a cab from the bronx to manhattan which cost me 50 bucks then bus to Jersey another 20. I get there and fake save the day. If your reading this I think you already know how this story is going to go dont you ? Anyhow I was guarded and worried simultaneously she looked thin and weak and told me she is so happy I came and wouldnt know what would have happened if I werent there. Her fridge was empty dishes piled up and again she looked fragile. SHe stood in front of her room and I told her Im sleeping on the couch and to come talk to me if she wanted to across from me on the other couch. She instead went to the kitchen which caused me to immediately get up and follow thinking there are knives there she sat on a chair instead and I sat across from her. We talked and I asked her has she been eating blah blah blah more concern stuff and expressed all my worries about her. After some time she was dosing off and I picked her up and put her in the bed. Of course she asks can I lay next to her. and there you have it fast forward and we are kissing and rolling around in the bed bumping pelvises all night long.

The next day I woke up and called out from work. Why cuz Im stupid and obviously a sucker. I took her car and got her groceries but did not pay for them she did. She told me she was feeling weak at times and cant even move at times out of bed thats how depressed she is. What I did pay for was some flowers for her to again make her happy. We spent the day together that day and had sex a numerous amount of times maybe about 6 or 7 or maybe even more. She previously had me blocked on calls. Why? Well thats what they do apparently from what I read. She supposedly unblocked me and even texted me while I was shopping however for some reason when I text back I got no answer. I get to her house and said I texted you I dont think you can get my texts still she said "Oh I didnt get any texts weird". I left and went back to NY she texted me again and said babe let me know you got home safe". I texted when I got home but got an email instead asking if I got home yet. I responded to the email and said yes I got home didnt yoou get my texts. Again she said no. The next couple of days she kept emailing instead of texting and the emails kept referring to me as "baby" something I was uncomfortable with so soon but still went with the flow cuz Im a dumb ass and in love with her again cuz Im a dumb ass. On maybe the 3rd day I got a weird text from a random number stating that my ex was a bhit. Weeks prior the same number texted me asking me some weird stuff but not responding to me. II had asked her about it before and she said no it had nothing to do with her. But this time it was too blatent and her name was said plus I was emailing her the same exact day. It seems like honestly it is her doing it somehow. ANyway I called her from my phone and got the feeling an app was installed to block my calls and texts. I tested the theory multiple times to find out it was indeed true. Why do I know beucase Im familiar with the app Ive had something similar before. Like a flash of light everything started to flash back before my very eyes. I was bamboozled. I could see all the lies I could see everything that happened I could see everything in slow motion replaying from the moment I walked in that door to even before when she sent those emails. I was furious and let it be known I was furious through a flurry of emails letting her know I knew. She of course tried to still manipulate the situation with more waif BPD victim bull ish. For those of you who have not read my intro story this woman already had downed a bottle of pills and I was in the hospital with her while we were together and drove myself crazy with worry at the time.

Anyhow there are so many details I could write about this last recycle however this has once again been too long of a story once again. I apologize once again. I feel stupid. I feel like the fool of the century. I feel weak. I feel less then a man. I feel like I should be taken out back and shot for my foolery. I read and read and read trying to equip myself to help this girl and in reading knew of all the stories yet I still denied and denied and denied the knowledge that I had to protect myself from this. Im a manager in a fitness club which Ill tell you is a mocho environment. I used to be able to hack it. Locker room/Constuction worker type jokes but honestly I cant take anything right now. Im always on edge. I dont tell anyone how Im feeling but apparently people can constantly see pain in my face. I know what the thought is amongst that type of environment. "Why dont you just man the F up". I wish honestly there were a man the f up button I woulda pressed it loong time ago. I hate feeling weak. I hate that I still love her even now. I hate that there is somethign inside me that still worries about her and feels regret for even telling her about herself when I definitely have the right to vent that I just been used up. IF any of you find the man up button out there please pass it over here so I can press it . Anyhow Ive been no contact since this incident. Deleted my hotmail account and am in the process of deleting my gmail account after I tranfer the emails that I feel I need. Probably going to change my number also. HOnestly though she is probably going to show up at my house one day and I am working on the strength to resist that crap. SOrry for the lenght of this guys and If you read this thanks for listening to this loser. Be Well

[Lady31]

Ok, I'm a little confused.  She has an app that blocks all incoming texts from you?  And I am guessing she has had since you showed up there because she was getting your texts BEFORE you got there that night right, but then not after you got there and then went to the store for her?

What was her purpose in that do you think?

[AG]

Sorry i was rambling. The purpose of the app is to seclude me to email and play both sodes of the field with myself and another guy. One guy secluded to email and the other to text. The email seclusiom would be me and the other the other guy whoever that is. Its basically to mess with multiple people without getting caught. I know becuz u can tell those type of apps send straight to voicemail. I tested the theory with my house phone vs cell. Also when we argued back amd forth she kept talking about everything but it. Never denied it and jept avoiding it. Also I mentioned it several times looking back on our emails over the mext couple of days while she was with the baby this baby that crap. I kept saying i dont think u can get my texts for some reason while she conveniently danced around it for my dumb ass to not notice while i was blinded in the fog of dilusion. Her game but my fault for being gullable honestly.

[Lady31]

Oh, I get it... but don't at the same time.  If she wants to cheat and string along more than one person, why couldn't she text them both?  Just curious - I don't get why she would need to do that with the app.

Also, another point to consider.  It could be that she did this deliberately and there is no other person with the purpose of keeping you off balance.  Different tactics used to do this alone and exercise control are quite common.

[Lady31]

Also - she has to be way out there to be so low she is wanting to kill herself - to wanting to have sex 6 or 7 times in a day.  Really serious issue there.

[RecycledNoMore]

Dont ever be sorry about the length or content of your post, hell we have all been there,im sure that between us all we could write a whole librarys worth of books on our experiences,and remember your posts help others like me, its a comfort to know that im not the only one who got played, taken for a fool, that feeling a strange love/ hate for the person who did that to us, isint an abnormal reaction.I dont know about you but for me, I feel like I have to find out why? What was it im me that said, " you can treat me like s***, and ill just keep coming back for more.Because I know that being with my ex was killing me, I lost myself, I gave my power to somebody else and now I godam want it back, but I also have to realise that, he cant be part of that in any way, he dosent " get it" never has, never will.

And thats a pretty hard concept to deal with.I wish sometimes that there was a harden the fuq up button, but im learning now though after 8 hellish years that I cant do that, I gotta figure it out, work through all the crap, coz if I dont, im destined to go back and repeat this whole sorry saga with somebody else, take care AG, of you, I know its hard but try not to be so unkind to yourself.

[AG]

"Oh, I get it... but don't at the same time.  If she wants to cheat and string along more than one person, why couldn't she text them both?  Just curious - I don't get why she would need to do that with the app.

Also, another point to consider.  It could be that she did this deliberately and there is no other person with the purpose of keeping you off balance.  Different tactics used to do this alone and exercise control are quite common"

Could be that theres another man checking her phone. A few days later I see her on fb poating holloween pics in full slutty vampire costume. Her main cover photo is of her and some other dude whos wearing a mask and mighty close to her in her apt posing. Hardly a person who is bed bed riden now is that? I thought she was so depressed she could not move(sarcasm). What I am learning from my experience with my BPD ex is that there are no boundaries to what she will do. Im sure all of these things are not something new at all. I think it has however gotten worse with me. The time 5 months ago she swallowed a whole bottle of asprin pills just cuz I said I was going home. The way she moves someone is going to hurt her seriously or sheis going to catch an std for sure. No boundaries whatsoever to what she might do and the crazy thing is she probably could stab u in the stomach with a knife amd find a way to blame it on u. Smh. I want my power back and even though it hurts me like hell I think ive got some back by not contacting her at all since the incident.

[DownandOut]

AG -

I've felt, and at times still feel, the same way you're feeling. I let my uBPDexgf pretty much say and do things that I would never, ever in my life allow any other girl, let alone person do or say to me. After it was over for the second time, I felt worse than trash. I was nothing. I realized though, all these feelings weren't foreign to me, I;ve felt them before. However, I've always been able to suppress them and move on with my life. I've realized now that there is something deep inside of me that makes her actions towards me strongly elicit my feelings of inadequacy - and I'm still trying to find out what it is. But it's there, it's been there forever. Our job now is to accept that this person that we care about so deeply is disturbed, and their sickness coupled with our flaws is a recipe for emotional disaster in our lives. But it's also a blessing. For someone to have such a profound effect on our lives, there must be something to learn from this. How could someone else dictate how happy we are? Why did this happen? Those are the questions that we should ask and, instead of beating yourself up over it, get to the bottom of it so that it will never happen again.

[Waifed]

"Oh, I get it... but don't at the same time.  If she wants to cheat and string along more than one person, why couldn't she text them both?  Just curious - I don't get why she would need to do that with the app.

Also, another point to consider.  It could be that she did this deliberately and there is no other person with the purpose of keeping you off balance.  Different tactics used to do this alone and exercise control are quite common"

Could be that theres another man checking her phone. A few days later I see her on fb poating holloween pics in full slutty vampire costume. Her main cover photo is of her and some other dude whos wearing a mask and mighty close to her in her apt posing. Hardly a person who is bed bed riden now is that? I thought she was so depressed she could not move(sarcasm). What I am learning from my experience with my BPD ex is that there are no boundaries to what she will do. Im sure all of these things are not something new at all. I think it has however gotten worse with me. The time 5 months ago she swallowed a whole bottle of asprin pills just cuz I said I was going home. The way she moves someone is going to hurt her seriously or sheis going to catch an std for sure. No boundaries whatsoever to what she might do and the crazy thing is she probably could stab u in the stomach with a knife amd find a way to blame it on u. Smh. I want my power back and even though it hurts me like hell I think ive got some back by not contacting her at all since the incident.

AG,

I suggest you write down all of the crazy hurtful things that she has done to you during your relationship.  Refer back to it in your weaker moments.  Even once you have decided you are never going back you will have moments of weakness that you ruminate about the good times.  

Another thing.  You are being WAY to hard on yourself.  I too considered myself the macho type (being from Texas you have to be ) before my relationship. I forced myself to go to therapy to figure out how I could allow someone to control me like I did.  I had gone 44 years without being controlled by a woman and then BOOM.  :)on't call yourself names.  It is demeaning to yourself and not good for your self-esteem.  It is a typical codependent trait.  This may sound very un-macho but you must learn to love yourself first.  Therapy and/or figuring out what has caused you to have the feelings/weaknesses that she brought out in you will help you not only recover from this but also help you in future relationships and life in general.  Hang tough.  You seem to have a clear view now of what she is like.  You don't need any of it.

[AG]

AG,

I suggest you write down all of the crazy hurtful things that she has done to you during your relationship.  Refer back to it in your weaker moments.  Even once you have decided you are never going back you will have moments of weakness that you ruminate about the good times. 

Another thing.  You are being WAY to hard on yourself.  I too considered myself the macho type (being from Texas you have to be  ) before my relationship. I forced myself to go to therapy to figure out how I could allow someone to control me like I did.  I had gone 44 years without being controlled by a woman and then BOOM.  Don't call yourself names.  It is demeaning to yourself and not good for your self-esteem.  It is a typical codependent trait.  This may sound very un-macho but you must learn to love yourself first.  Therapy and/or figuring out what has caused you to have the feelings/weaknesses that she brought out in you will help you not only recover from this but also help you in future relationships and life in general.  Hang tough.  You seem to have a clear view now of what she is like.  You don't need any of it.



Thanks Dude I appreciate this a whole lot. Yeah I know the macho thing logically speaking. Ive never been the toughest or strongest but never have considered myself a weakling either. I think your technique of writing all the bad things down is a great idea that Im definitely going to do as soon as I get home. That list will be long as hell Ill tell you that . Logically speaking this woman or should I say child is not good for anyone in the state she is in. Thanks for the advice