When someone in my family said "BPD" after she left and I started reading up on it, all of the craziness when I was with her just all clicked into place. Everything started to make sense. I agree Oliolioxenfree it's a hard pill to swallow and I felt like I was flipping back and forth with accepting it. I still am. I tried so hard to reason with her over the years, and there's a part of me that still cares because she is a human being. But there's that part of me that is so hurt from the betrayal and the selfish destructivness that she ignorantly causes unto the kids and I. It feels like my mouth is gagged and my hands and feet are tied and there's nothing that I can do. I have my own control issues due to fear of abandonment from being adopted. I pray that someday she gets help. It's tough cutting someone off is what I'm getting at and I'm having a tough time with stopping my own triggers on her. But, we're not together anymore so there's no sense in me learning those tools. It's getting to acceptance and difference and stop reacting to all of it, I'm struggling with.
I still struggle to fully internalize it and have full acceptance. I am indifferent towards my BPDexbf but still find myself sometimes reeling from the fact that he has this disorder because honestly WHAT ARE THE CHANCES? However, i will say that once you begin the process of accepting that they do suffer from this, it really does render their behavior and subsequent actions, irrelevant. pwBPD have a different reality than us. Whatever their behavior is, the disorder makes them believe that they are right and that they are correct and justified in their actions. Theyll never share the same view as you and you will never be on the same page.
Its a lose lose situation for us if we engage. We want validation that the relationship meant something, that we meant something. But only you can give yourself the validation you need. they will never provide that for us. All we can do is accept that they are mentally ill, operating in a different reality, and that the ONLY way to heal is to disengage entirely and stay NC... Axis II personality disorders are on the same Axis as austism and mental retardation and other intellectual disabilities. They are disabilities of the brain itself. When you read the definition for AXIS II disorders, they are usually LIFE-LONG disorders that stem from childhood. They are rarely cured. BPD is a Severe mental illness. Repeat that in your head every day. Severe mental illness.
In short, it sucks because when we cling to the hope and do not accept that they are mentally ill, we harbor a bit of hope that they can change, maybe theyll come back , things will be different, theyll be the loving partner we thought they were if they change down the road. Accepting who they are and their disorder jolts us out of hope and bargaining and denial and straight into reality. Change probably wont happen and realizing that is by far the most painful part of the healing process (at least it was for me, When I finally realized it I cried for both myself and my ex knowing that he will have a lifetime of pain and suffering). Just remember that this disorder cant be helped. Its such a sad thing. Once you realize this youll begin to feel compassion, and pity and eventually youll let go.
Its a long tough process. but youll get there.
Thanks again Oliolioxenfree and everyone for sharing in this thread. I'm thankful for this forum and the those that have walked the same line. I felt like I was getting pulled in different directions with everything going on.
Thank you so much Clearmind for your sound logic as always.
Oliolioxenfree thank you for your articulate post. I'm going to keep this post and read it to remind myself.
