my son is marrying a woman who I believe has BPD,and I am deeply concerned

[concernedmum]

This is my first post here.My son has been with his partner for nearly five years,and recently got engaged.they will be married in march next year.He is an only child,and I fear that his fiancé is forcing us slowly out of his life,due to her extreme neediness and jealousy.as things stand now,she is supposed to have a diagnosis of bipolar disorder,but is not receiving treatment.I however see her behaviours as being much more like a person with BPD,and we are at a loss to know how to support our son,as he is clearly in denial about the reality of her behaviours,and if his choice is going to be a life time with her,he and we need help in dealing with this.I have never been more worried than I am right now.

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, concernedmum & 

I can certainly understand your fears and concerns regarding your future daughter in-law, and what could happen to your family because of her. So, she already has a diagnosis of bi-polar, but you fear BPD? Did she actually ever have a therapist? Does your son feel she needs help?

There's always the chance that she doesn't have BPD, and if she does have bi-polar she may at some time get medications and therapy for it. Unfortunately, you can't change who your son loves or who he will marry, and just being there for him if/when troubles start (or get worse) will be helpful for him. What makes you think she's possibly BPD? Have you read books that lead you to that opinion? 

I can commiserate with your worries for your son; my own son is married to someone who I truly believe is undiagnosed BPD, and for the last 10 years he has been dancing as fast as he can in order to keep her happy and their lives peaceful. It has included periodic silent treatments of myself and my husband (his Dad) and my other son, in order to pacify her. And has included my son's agreeing with her grievances about all of us in order to be loyal to her and sometimes he will feel the same now that he's been with her for so long. It's not easy, as you well know.

We have learned how to deal with all of that, and at this time we have a good relationship with them and things are looking up. I found this site in April 2013 and have learned so much about how my DIL's mind works, and how to communicate with her better, and how to empathize with her so that I can be in a better mind-set to understand her. It's doable, concernedmum; I know, because I'm doing it! 

I encourage you to start reading around this site; the best way you can help your son is to be able to have a decent relationship with the woman he marries. Here are some links to start you off:

Radical Acceptance for family members

Video--What are the Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder?

BPD Overview and Documentary - Back From the Edge Video

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

How do we become more empathetic to the pwBPD in our life?

I know there's a lot there, but it is all valuable and educational and can help you feel better... .Knowledge is power, and understanding of your loved ones is good for the soul. And you will have the tools help you feel more in control of your feelings and situation. Please keep posting your story and asking questions... .and let us know what you think of some of the links above. It really can help!

[concernedmum]

Thanks for the welcome Rapt Reader.

In answer to your question as to whether my son's fiancé has ever had a therapist,yes,she has had a few over the past few years.From the information we have received from my son and her,the diagnosis of bipolar,is one that the therapists disagree on.She has been told that it could be bipolar,or another disorder similar on the spectrum.I think there has also been the suggestion of BPD,and she has tried medication for the bipolar,but unsuccessfully.In answer to your other question as to whether my son has acknowledged the fact that she needs help,yes,many many times.

I came to the conclusion that we may be dealing with a personality disorder about eighteen months ago,after reading Stop Walking on Eggshells and the second book on BPD by the same author,and by researching numerous reputable online resources.

I know that we can't change who my son loves and chooses to spend his life with now,and realising this only recently has been very confronting but also helpful,because I now know that I cannot ever change other people,the only thing I have control over is how I choose to deal with things.

So with this we shall learn as much as we can about ways to deal with this,so as to start to heal and hopefully contribute to a more healthy relationship in the future.

[Rapt Reader]

I know that we can't change who my son loves and chooses to spend his life with now,and realising this only recently has been very confronting but also helpful,because I now know that I cannot ever change other people,the only thing I have control over is how I choose to deal with things.

So with this we shall learn as much as we can about ways to deal with this,so as to start to heal and hopefully contribute to a more healthy relationship in the future.

Hi, concernedmum 

I also read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Randi Kreger, and saw my daughter-in-law right there in the pages! So, I know where you are coming from 

You are on the right track; the only person we can change is ourselves, and the thing is: once I changed the way I communicated with my D-I-L, she immediately changed the way she reacted to me! It really was like magic, and our relationship with my son and her is so much better. Which is a really good thing... .they just had my first grandchild a few months ago, and during the pregnancy they weren't even speaking to us. Thank God I found this site and checked out those links I gave you above, right before the baby was born!

Your dedication to your son is wonderful, and your goal of learning what you can, to improve the relationship, is truly laudable... .I promise you that things can get better 

[concernedmum]

Thank-you for your insight,it has really helped.

I will be encouraging my husband to read all the resources here as well,we are all in this together.I have a genetic connective tissue disorder which greatly impacts on my day to day life,but I realized that when I finally received my diagnosis,it was a diagnosis for all of us,and this is indeed the way I will see this situation,I/we are not the victims here,this is a diagnosis that affects all of us,no  one more so than my future daughter in-law.

[Rapt Reader]

Thank-you for your insight,it has really helped.

I will be encouraging my husband to read all the resources here as well,we are all in this together.I have a genetic connective tissue disorder which greatly impacts on my day to day life,but I realized that when I finally received my diagnosis,it was a diagnosis for all of us,and this is indeed the way I will see this situation,I/we are not the victims here,this is a diagnosis that affects all of us,no  one more so than my future daughter in-law.

concernedmum 

I'm so impressed with you! You are a very quick study 

Lots of people take a while (some even longer!) to realize that if we change the way we look at our BPD loved ones, using understanding, compassion and empathy--and learn how to communicate with them using those skills--that our loved ones will change the way they react to us. Then things will get better... .

Having your husband join you in this education and change of heart and mind, will make your family a very happy group. I love what you posted above; this is a family diagnosis, and as such, when you 2 change your methods of communicating with your son and DIL, the whole family will benefit. You have learned a lot in a VERY short time; imagine how far you will go after reading the links I gave you, and then reading more as you move around the site. I do think you will get this problem solved and manageable... .

I'm sorry for your health problems, and I know they will make this harder for you. Your compassion for your DIL (in equating her BPD to your own health issues) is stellar, and you have jumped the first hurdle in making life better for all of you. I'm so happy for you, and I'm here for you if you have any questions as you read the links. And, when you finish them, I will give you more    I'm very proud of you, concernedmum 

[louise 716]

Concernedmum,

I do hope things go well for well for your family and your son and future DIL. It has to be pretty scary for you to see the writing on the wall and know you can't really say anything to your son.

My DIL has BPD/N. In our case it has not turned out well, unlike Geekygirl.  In our case, one thing my brother said was "you just have to accept her." Let me tell you, WE HAVE TRIED, but she won't allow us to accept her. They lived just a couple of miles from us until June. She stopped communicating with us mid December 2012. He stopped communicating with us in January. Our son only talks to his father - no contact with me or his numerous siblings. Now they live 2 hours away. DIL has made it clear through son that she is "done with us all." And what, pray tell, are we supposed to do with that info?

This BPD "business" at times can be all consuming - depending on the flare ups and emotional hurt. I have read enough about BPD/N to know it IS VERY SERIOUS. It isn't a game. DH and I have even had to go to counseling to get a handle on this situation - to confirm WE are NOT the people with the problem. We had never gone to counseling before. So in addition to the emotional toll, add counseling sessions to the financial impact and time suck. After we showed counselor an e mail and explained what has happened, she had the situation pegged in a heartbeat.

Several years ago, before we knew better (lightbulb of BPD/N didn't go off for me until December 2012 - all those years before I thought we were just dealing with young people who needed some guidance) son felt we owed him money for something.  Super long story short, but based on the circumstances at the time, we said how much do you think we owe you? (We didn't want money to get in the way of our relationship - and his focus, he didn't need that distraction at that particular time.) His answer ... .are you ready ... .$5000. Yup - 5 THOUSAND. So, we wrote a check for 5000 and I vowed that will NEVER happen again. In reality, it was less than $300something (hundred) which he had actually previously given me permission to spend because it was spent on him for him (he was deployed and the money spent was on items we sent him. I kept receipts and kept track of EVERYTHING I sent him so I know the accurate dollar amount.) Fast forward to December of 2012, when I discover the situation is BPD and how these people often are horrible with money. That explains the $5000. That explains why they were mad we didn't offer up $$ over a different situation.  That helps to explain a lot of other things.

Once I realized what we were dealing with, it was an emotional game changer for me.  This article on Stockholm Syndrome and Relationships I found EXTREMELY helpful. What I liked about it is that it speaks more about my son and how he is forced to deal with the situation. I need to understand more of the WHY my SON behaves badly towards us - www.counsellingresource.com/lib/therapy/self-help/stockholm/4/

Because of the seriousness of BPD and son being so enmeshed, DH and I recently had our wills redone. IMHO, NO WAY, should people with BPD (or in our case our son be/c of his situation) be given ANY control over important things like finances or literally our life or death. Financial POA and Healthcare POA clearly name ourselves and two of our other children as alternates.

It's been years of apologies for things we never did. Them being mad at us if we didn't do what THEY wanted us to do, never mind the personal cost to us.  I'm tired of the very hurtful emails/text messages son sends on her behalf. First we did gifts - then those weren't good enough. So I switched to cash money. Then, he wrote and said he was going to give it back and he wanted gift items he gave us, back. IMHO, gifts are not takesies bakesies because you are mad at a person. Forget that business. Then DIL said said she was done with us, so I skipped her birthday and for son I donated money to an organization I know he supports. Then we got blasted for acknowledging his birthday but not hers. So ... .guess what is happening this Christmas ... .you guessed it. Nothing.

Thanksgiving and Christmas. They will not be invited to join us because of the boundaries THEY have set up. I am perfectly fine with that. When I learned about BPD, I realized why family gatherings don't go smooth with a BPD/N. She couldn't even handle a family gathering at 4th of July without pouting. Last December I realized I was going to have to come up with a plan to NOT have them join us on THE day of the event (Christmas, Thanksgiving, whatever) because those days had had a pattern of being absolutely ruined for the rest of us. But then, lo and behold, son said he wanted to be NC with us and she is "done with us all" so, I, thankfully didn't have to do the boundary setting - they did it for me!

I am not going to beg her to be in our life so I can add that craziness back into my life. It's been years of one thing or another ... .smooth sailing for a few months and the POW! Out of seemingly NO WHERE we get blasted. You just don't bounce back from that kind of emotional hurt. We all owe it to ourselves to have some normalcy in our life.  DH and I owe it to our children to not have DIL's BPD/N take over our lives so we can have healthy relationships with our other children and eventually the families they will have. Thank goodness they (son and DIL) have no children and I hope together they are not able to have any. If they do, nothing will change for us - it will just be like some friend of my son's had a baby. They will never allow us to be "regular" grandparents. Relationships with any grandchildren will be held hostage. Her parents live in Europe.

Since December there have been a few instances where I have been able to tell son I love him and we will always be there for him and that I am simply honoring his request for no contact because it has been made obvious, contact with me causes him A LOT of hassle. Don't get me wrong, I love my son and would love to have him back in our life ... .but I don't want that constant craziness ... .and I will be there for him when there is a need.