I need to figure out where to go from here

[imataloss]

Hello all, think it's time for me to do some more "therapy" by posting here.  Since having a breakthrough 10 days ago in my relationship with my 90-year-old mother, the past week has been difficult.  I find myself in a quandary as to how to move forward.    

The only contact I've had was a phone call from her a couple of days ago when she wanted my help.  She was second-guessing info she'd been given about one of her medications and wanted me to call her doctor's office to question further what they'd already told her.  I felt it unnecessary and so didn't offer to make the call.  Of course she didn't like my response.  So the call was very brief with no mention made of the huge blowup we'd had the previous week.

The reality has set in that I can't go total NC with her, mainly because of the guilt I'd feel in abandoning this old woman who has no one else to help her.  It's a matter of human decency and being able to live with myself.

But I know that our already distant relationship has to be tapered off even more.  And I don't even want to have the discussion with her.  I know she'll want to tell me how wrong and cruel I am in the way I treat her.  I have no hope whatsoever of her behavior changing.  All I really want is to be left alone.

I gain strength and reassurance from reading all of your posts because I know we're all experiencing something similar in dealing with our person with BPD.  I feel that I should also be doing some of the lessons on the board about setting boundaries, etc.  But I frankly don't want to work that hard and put forth that much effort into a dead end relationship.

I need to figure out where to go from here because the parameters of the relationship definitely have to change.  I'm unable and unwilling to carry on like nothing's happened, which is what we've always done after one of these episodes.

I welcome input and advice, as well as encouragement  from anyone who's gone through or is experiencing something similar. 

 

[GeekyGirl]

This is always a difficult decision: you know that limiting your contact with your mother may help you live a more peaceful life, but you also feel an obligation to her, right? Many others here struggle with that dilemma. 

We all feel some FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) from time to time. It's covered pretty well in this workshop: Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”. Setting boundaries will help, and the more comfortable you get with setting boundaries, the more effectively you can deal with the FOG.

I need to figure out where to go from here because the parameters of the relationship definitely have to change.  I'm unable and unwilling to carry on like nothing's happened, which is what we've always done after one of these episodes.

That's definitely worth exploring and thinking about. What kind of boundaries would allow you to have the space you need, but not completely go NC your mother?

[Sitara]

Hang in there imataloss!  FOG was a huge one for me - I realized that I was only hanging around because I thought I was supposed to go to holidays and I would feel guilty that I didn't want to because I thought that's what a good daughter is supposed to do. 

The other thing that's helped me break away is realizing that I can only be responsible for half the relationship.  I can only determine how I want to be treated and how I want to treat her, but I have no control over her half - and if I'm not getting what I need, it's okay to step away. Sure, it hurts and I still feel bad, but I can't make her want to have a healthy relationship when she tells me, "I'm happy with the way I am and if you can't handle that you must not care about me."

Thing is, I do care, but I deserve to have people in my life who care about me in return.

GeekyGirl has good advice there.  Boundaries are important if you still intend to have her in your life.  Something has to change, but I definitely sympathize with you being too tired to care.

[sophiegirl]

Hi Imataloss! I go through periods of minimal contact with BPD mother and it is hard. after a short period of me avoiding her I do have to step in to sort out something it is reasonable an 88 year can't sort out themselves. The sad thing is, if she was a 'normal' 88 yo mother I would like to think I would do anything for her because has no-one else. But I limit it to the 'necessary' Today I am taking her shopping to a place it would be difficult to get to and she wants to do some Christmas shopping. What I don't like are the tears she is constantly shedding at the moment. I think she is genuinely upset that I am distancing myself from her because she really doesn't 'get it' . If I'd said something and hurt a friends feelings I'd be mortified and do my best to make up for it (preconditioned to anyway) but it just doesn't seem to register with her.

Limit setting guess is your answer and when she starts bleating on either change the subject, tell her you'd rather she didn't say xyz or leave.

[imataloss]

Thanks to all of you for your responses and suggestions.  It really does help to know that others are where I am now or have been here in the past.

GeekyGirl, I plan to do the workshop on FOG that you suggested.  I've given thought as to which specific boundaries would allow me the needed space from her.  My ultimate goal would be to find someone to take her on outings (shopping, lunch, etc.) on a regular basis because I simply can't do that any more.  That's going to be difficult because she'll be extremely resistant about going with anyone else.  She'll feel like I'm trying to pass her off onto someone else (which I am  ).  The other more manageable boundary is to limit my physical contact with her to only when another person is present.  That would probably be my partner, we already take her out to dinner occasionally.

Sitara, love your comment:  "I can only be responsible for half the relationship.  I can only determine how I want to be treated and how I want to treat her, but I have no control over her half."  Those are such words of wisdom that I'll keep in mind.

Sophiegirl, you're right in that special considerations are in order because of their advanced age.  I agree that this would be so much more tolerable and possibly enjoyable if we had a "normal" parent/child relationship.  My condolences for having to take your mother Christmas shopping!  Right now I can't imagine anything that could be worse !

You've all confirmed that I'm on the right track and just need to stay the course.  Thanks again!