trying to resist trigger of uBPDx's bday

[anystar]

I left my uBPDx three months ago and have been working with a T/reading this forum ever since. today is his 25th birthday. we were together since we were both 18 and he was my first love. at that time I was a highly vulnerable, hyper-forgiving young girl and he caught and kept me quite efficiently. by the end of our 5 1/5 year relationship, he had graduated to severe emotional abuse and mild but consistent physical/sexual abuse. I'm recovering bit by bit every day but this birthday threw me for a loop... .this time of year is also when we had our first date.

he had been tolerating my demand for NC for about a month up until friday, when he began calling and texting me about his weekend birthday celebrations. all his voicemails said more or less the same thing, always in a I'm-a-good-guy tone of voice: "I understand if you don't want to talk to me because it's emotionally weighty or you're still mad at me, I totally understand, BUT I don't see why you can't acknowledge me in any way/I really want to just tell you about my birthday/I love you so much". then his last voicemail turned bitter and sad. I haven't said a word in response because I know even saying "no" is opening a door of communication with him. I am proud of myself for maintaining my resolve but still so deeply sad, and so angry at him for forcing the issue in his gently manipulative way.

in the last talks we've had, I have gained a kind of clarity to his strategies. I can tell when he's changing tactics to try to reach me in the emotional way he always could before. I wish there were some way to wave my hands in his face and be like, Hey, guy -- I GET it now. you can move on because I can see and define and describe all the controlling maneuvers you've used to influence me and I'm NOT having it.

once we see it, we can't unsee it! it means I'll never trust a word he says again. it's tough being 24 and not knowing anything about healthy dating or healthy long term relationships because the first guy I fell for was angry and sadistic, but it also means I am a wiser, stronger survivor. thank you all for sharing your stories and helping me through this trying time! 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey anystar, I'm sorry for your pain.  It is tough to weather the BPD storm at any age, particularly at 24, but there may be a silver lining for you in the sense that you've grown and learned from your experience, which I predict will lead to healthier, more fulfilling relationships in the future.  Some of us, I'm afraid (like me), are now middle-aged and have endured long-term marriages to a pwBPD (16 years, in my case) with whom we have children.  I admire your resolve and it seems the healing has begun, so stick to your new path.  I'm confident that you will find greater happiness, which you deserve.  Lucky Jim

[Waifed]

It sounds like you are holding up pretty well.  Stay strong!