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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: With Friends Like These  (Read 499 times)
Pretty Woman
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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The Greatest Love is the Love You Give Yourself


« on: November 14, 2013, 04:09:56 AM »

So tonight I did something I am not proud of.   I had suspected my ex had been cheating on me with a friend, a friend who recently attended my birthday party.  I was getting really cryptic answers from this friend so I decided to take a drive through my ex's parking garage in the center of town. Sure enough, her car is there with my ex overnight sticker, while my exes truck is in the street. 

I text this friend and ask if she is seeing my ex and she says no.  She gets really upset that I told her "I know" and to lose my number.  We play this game while, she calls me and asks, "if J wanted to get back with you would you take her back?" I thought that was a weird question so I said, "I don't know". She proceeds to tell me she doesn't talk to my ex often and is not with her at the moment.

That's when I drop the parking garage comment.  She freaks out and says she has no idea what I am insinuating and is getting very angry.

what the heck?

I am beyond hurt.  This person has no reason to lie.  I do not want to be friends withna liar.  It really is beyond comprehension.  Is everyone around me so f'd up?  I'm really hoping she won't file a restraining order on me now for looking inti this... .it was eating away at me.

It's sad that people can be so dishonest.
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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #1 on: November 14, 2013, 05:50:44 AM »

So tonight I did something I am not proud of.   I had suspected my ex had been cheating on me with a friend, a friend who recently attended my birthday party.  I was getting really cryptic answers from this friend so I decided to take a drive through my ex's parking garage in the center of town. Sure enough, her car is there with my ex overnight sticker, while my exes truck is in the street. 

I text this friend and ask if she is seeing my ex and she says no.  She gets really upset that I told her "I know" and to lose my number.  We play this game while, she calls me and asks, "if J wanted to get back with you would you take her back?" I thought that was a weird question so I said, "I don't know". She proceeds to tell me she doesn't talk to my ex often and is not with her at the moment.

That's when I drop the parking garage comment.  She freaks out and says she has no idea what I am insinuating and is getting very angry.

what the heck?

I am beyond hurt.  This person has no reason to lie.  I do not want to be friends withna liar.  It really is beyond comprehension.  Is everyone around me so f'd up?  I'm really hoping she won't file a restraining order on me now for looking inti this... .it was eating away at me.

It's sad that people can be so dishonest.

A person has no reason to lie, no. Someone with BPD has. You threaten their emotional stability (which is never stable to begin with) thus the rainshower of lies, deceit, etc. comes.

You don't blame a wild dog for biting you when you get to close to it no? That was suppose to happen. If you push the boundaries of a BPD person, what you describe in your post... happens.
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strikeforce
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« Reply #2 on: November 14, 2013, 05:51:23 AM »

It is sad that people can be this way.

If it is true then it sounds like she's not a worthwhile friend to have around. She will also get caught up in the crazy nightmare that you went through with your ex.

The fact she freaked out and got angry says a lot.

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babyducks
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« Reply #3 on: November 14, 2013, 07:15:38 AM »

So tonight I did something I am not proud of...



I am beyond hurt. 

Earth Angel,

As long as you continue to participate in the drama you will continue to get hurt.

ducks
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What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.
itgirl
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Relationship status: 4 years living together
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« Reply #4 on: November 14, 2013, 07:33:19 AM »

that is very true ducks.  you need to detach. 
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Pretty Woman
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The Greatest Love is the Love You Give Yourself


« Reply #5 on: November 14, 2013, 08:00:11 AM »

Agreed, Ducks.  I am a little obsessive from all the lies.  At least now I know who my friends are.   
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babyducks
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« Reply #6 on: November 14, 2013, 08:50:09 AM »

Agreed, Ducks.  I am a little obsessive from all the lies.  At least now I know who my friends are.   

Hey EA,

Welcome to recovery.    Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Time to stop the bleeding. 

Time to neutralize the situation.

Time to take a step back and rebalance yourself.

You have been in a high conflict situation for a while.   It has effected you.

Skip said this in another post

Excerpt
A high conflict, emotionally abusive parent, child, relationship partner or spouse, regardless of the causation, is a challenge and we need to take appropriate steps for our own wellbeing and that of our family.  And hopefully you want to learn how to rise above and manage your interface with the difficult person in a constructive, mature and healthy way.  It's our very next step to a constructive, mature and healthy future for ourselves.

The bold stuff is my highlighting.  Can I ask,  what do you think you could do today to start towards a constructive, happy, healthy future? 

ducks
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What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.
Pretty Woman
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Gender: Female
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Posts: 1682


The Greatest Love is the Love You Give Yourself


« Reply #7 on: November 14, 2013, 10:04:52 AM »

I need to try to stop obsessing.  I am almost becoming stalkerish and that is not healthy at all.

I see my therapist today. I am going to tell her what I did and work on changing things up a bit.  Focus on me and feeling better. So emotionally beat down and betrayed.
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Lady31
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« Reply #8 on: November 14, 2013, 02:05:57 PM »

earth angel,

Don't beat yourself about feeling "stalkerish".  I did this too to a point.  At one point I put something on my exh's computer, and a few other things throughout the marriage.  I did this because my heart KNEW there was something off - but he could always explain things away so well.  Then I caught him lying in smaller things that I was sure of.

Do I think it was stalkerish - heck no!  I think I had every right to know what he was up to.  I believe in transparency. 

Do I think it is a good sign that your relationship gets to that point and that you feel the need to do these things (or that I did) - I say no to that as well.

So - I don't think it's wrong to get to the truth.  It helps you settle on REALITY in your heart and mind so you can go forward.  The key though is to make sure you go forward and not stay STUCK in trying to make this an obsession and hold you hostage.  Once you know that the relationship is unhealthy and find things out that show you that - the next step is working on letting go and walking away.  Not holding on. 

With what you have gone through with this friend, and just now finding out these things and her lies coming to the surface - I don't think you are out of the realm of normal and healthy.  It's completely NORMAL to feel the way you are feeling at this stage and wanting some sort of confirmation and truth to know if you are imagining it all or not.

You're fine!  (Even though THEY will probably try to portray you as nuts for your behavior - that is NOT TRUE.)  So - just move forward now my friend.
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