I stayed on the path ...

[toomanyeggshells]

and didn't let him lead me into the wilderness.

I read someone's post a little while back that described the way to help a r/s by "staying on the path and not following the pwBPD into the wilderness".  I apologize for not being able to give the poster credit, but it was so good I printed it out and read it often.

Anyway, the last week or so uBPDbf has tried to bait me into arguments, just about little things like making nasty comments about the way I dress or about the way I comment on something he's said.  I've been taking a deep breath and going about my business - usually no need for any response from me at all.  The times I've done this, he shrugs his shoulders and actually changes the whole tone of his voice and conversation.  I noticed one day he actually smiled at me and said something funny after I deflected his criticism.  Amazing!

I feel really proud of myself for getting to this point.  Its been a very long 4 years of living together and maybe, just maybe, I've turned a corner.  I'm not saying he's going to follow, but I feel better and that's what's important for me. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[talbed]

Been attempting this for 3 weeks and it is keeping the peace.  I could tell there was a building inside though... .a seeming need to "unleash"... .  Yesterday I slipped and provided that opening... .wow!  Now, not 3 weeks worth, but certainly pretty harsh for the content of the comment I made... . 

But, back on the horse - as they say... .

[an0ught]

I read someone's post a little while back that described the way to help a r/s by "staying on the path and not following the pwBPD into the wilderness".  I apologize for not being able to give the poster credit, but it was so good I printed it out and read it often.

This may have been United for Now's post here: stay on the path

Worth a re-read 

[AnitaL]

Good for you for taking those steps!  You seem to have a great attitude and recognize that you can only change your own behavior.  And of course we all struggle and step backwards now and then, but we are only human after all.  Keep up the good work! 

[toomanyeggshells]

I could tell there was a building inside though... .a seeming need to "unleash"... .  Yesterday I slipped and provided that opening... .wow!  Now, not 3 weeks worth, but certainly pretty harsh for the content of the comment I made... . 

But, back on the horse - as they say... .

I can always tell when he's on the edge of a rage and I always try to tread very lightly at those times.  There's no way to completely avoid it unless I leave before it happens.  But like you said talbed, back on the horse 

[toomanyeggshells]

This may have been United for Now's post here: stay on the path

Worth a re-read 

Absolutely.  It hit me like  a ton of bricks the first time I read it.  Thanks an0ught

[allibaba]

That's really great perspective  toomanyeggshells!  Good for you.

I could tell there was a building inside though... .a seeming need to "unleash"... .  Yesterday I slipped and provided that opening... .wow!  Now, not 3 weeks worth, but certainly pretty harsh for the content of the comment I made... . 

But, back on the horse - as they say... .

I can always tell when he's on the edge of a rage and I always try to tread very lightly at those times.  There's no way to completely avoid it unless I leave before it happens.  But like you said talbed, back on the horse 

Ok so here goes.  I think that its a delicate balance between 'walking on eggshells' and being like a bull in a China shop with my uBPDh.  I'm trying not to change my behavior too much when he's on edge.  Maybe a little validation is in order... .but mostly business as usual.  But that's after almost 9 months of boundaries, boundaries, tools, tools.  I'm starting to see the snaps as an opportunity for growth.  They don't have to spiral into a dysregulation, but that's my husbands decision not mine.

Case in point, this morning my husband is clearly on edge. 

I called my son to come get dressed (I try to incorporate him into active decision making in his own day rather than just picking him up and carting him around).  As toddlers do, he laid down on the floor in protest.  My husband got upset and said -DON'T ASK HIM.  TELL HIM.  DON'T GIVE HIM AN OPTION.  I do agree with that approach somewhat but I want to give him one shot (at least) to do things on his own.  Anyway, I explained that but agreed overall.  And then my husband started a non-abusive rant - emphasizing his point over and over and over.  About 30 seconds into it I said "Thanks for your input.  You've made your point.  We don't need to review it from every angle.  Let's move on."  He said "Conversation is not over.  How do I know you won't ignore me like you always do?"  I said "because I told you I agreed and now we can all move on."  He said "You always ignore me."  I said "well I agree with you on this point so how about we move on."  Miracle of miracles - we moved on.   

If I was tiptoeing around him then we wouldn't have had that opportunity to grow and for him to see me openly communicate my views.

[toomanyeggshells]

I think that its a delicate balance between 'walking on eggshells' and being like a bull in a China shop with my uBPDh.  I'm trying not to change my behavior too much when he's on edge.

I agree with you, and I've been working on NOT changing my normal behavior in response to uBPDbf's moods.  However, I know that there's a time for more drawn out conversations and a time for pretty much just a yes or no response when I can tell he's on edge. 

Frankly, when I see it coming, the last thing I want to do is be any where near him, and definitely I don't want to try to validate.  Knowing him as I do, anything that comes out of my mouth, except what he exactly wants to hear, will only bring it on.  That's just the way he is.  If there's any time for validation or discussion, its when he's calm. 

On the other hand, I'm glad things worked out for you in that situation.  I can't even imagine this life with small children involved.

[allibaba]

Yeah - I wish that there was a magic formula we could apply!  Unfortunately every BPD is different.



I can definitely relate to the feeling of wanting to get the heck out of there when the rage sucking sound starts happening. 

[martillo]

Knowing him as I do, anything that comes out of my mouth, except what he exactly wants to hear, will only bring it on.  That's just the way he is. 

When my uBPDh is ready to dump emotions/rage, it doesn't really matter what I say or do - it could be all the right things; it could be all the wrong things.  He is going to do his best to spew it all over me. 

[allibaba]

Knowing him as I do, anything that comes out of my mouth, except what he exactly wants to hear, will only bring it on.  That's just the way he is. 

When my uBPDh is ready to dump emotions/rage, it doesn't really matter what I say or do - it could be all the right things; it could be all the wrong things.  He is going to do his best to spew it all over me. 

I think that you both pretty much just described a pwBPD!