My story, and reflections.

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm not going to go into every detail, but my ex/with BPD shamed me for my sexuality, caused me to lose my home, my job as a computer programmer and my best friend. Then I blocked out the entire world, being constantly neurotic. After I was neurotic, she was always upset that I didn't pay attention to her. She never bent in an argument, never admitted to a mistake and convinced me I was the problem. She eventually stopped loving me "because this always happens and she can't get it back". Although it was doomed at that point since I sacrificed all of my identity and self esteem. I gotta admit I was uptight and angry with her for those 7 years of being neurotic. Living only for her, but being unable to be around her. I always thought she was the perfect person at the beginning deep down and that I had just hited up. I broke up with her to try to force her to love me I guess. And then once she was gone I was destroyed and had to face my feelings, since I wanted the world to know the truth of how she was the universe to me.

I searched my soul, blaming myself for everything. I had to create a special place in my mind where she existed with me still to not kill myself because the pain was so intense. I realized that my biggest mistake in the relationship was not loving myself, so I had nothing left to give. And then I started to remember the horrible things she did, hitting me repeatedly and shrieking while I was hunched over crying. Complete disregard of me to the point where I felt so invalidated that I stopped trusting my own mind. And the worst part, it wasn't the things she did. It was the thing she didn't do, that I always tried to do. Be honest and admit to her mistakes.

I searched online, looking into invalidation, loss of identity. And I came upon BPD... .I thought I had it for a bit because a person that's been destroyed to the point of having PTSD, has a lot in common with a Borderline. But then I read more about it and realized I don't have it, because I admit to my mistakes and don't have the multiple emotional identities that she did. She once told me at the start of the relationship that she had BPD and I thought nothing of it. "Oh, just another thing to look past and accept, no worries deary!"

Before I met her, I was naive, trusting, meek. And I never really stuck up for myself to people. But I had an identity. People liked me... .I was funny, smart, interesting, understood and related to people well. Had about 10 friends that loved me. I've got 2 friends left now.

Anyways, moving on. I read about all this BPD and co-dependency stuff. And I wonder, who was she really? Who is she now? The more I know, the more I think she isn't really much of anybody. And never was. Maybe a good actress to herself and others, and that's it? Maybe a good denier of reality? Just a collection of interests and people and animals that make her who she is, because who she is, is barely anything at all. I understand how you people could still be attached. I guess I still am a bit. But the truth is, these people are soul suckers. They take, and take, and walk away. And more than anything, they barely change at all. Wake the hell up and realize... .Neither of you were capable of a non-needy love. But you have a chance now, to rebuild yourselves as something that is capable of a healthy non-needy love. You can self-realize, self-actualize. And at the very least build a healthy, whole ego. Through enough self love and self acceptance. And if you take this journey even further, you can transcend much of your ego itself. They, probably can't go on this journey, although I hope they all do someday.

Much love, to the victims of BPD, and even to those who have it. We can't save you though, you have to save yourselves.

[BuildingFromScratch]

I'm not going to go into every detail, but my ex/with BPD shamed me for my sexuality, caused me to lose my home, my job as a computer programmer and my best friend. Then I blocked out the entire world, being constantly neurotic. After I was neurotic, she was always upset that I didn't pay attention to her. She never bent in an argument, never admitted to a mistake and convinced me I was the problem. She eventually stopped loving me "because this always happens and she can't get it back". Although it was doomed at that point since I sacrificed all of my identity and self esteem. I gotta admit I was uptight and angry with her for those 7 years of being neurotic. Living only for her, but being unable to be around her. I always thought she was the perfect person at the beginning deep down and that I had just hited up. I broke up with her to try to force her to love me I guess. And then once she was gone I was destroyed and had to face my feelings, since I wanted the world to know the truth of how she was the universe to me.

I searched my soul, blaming myself for everything. I had to create a special place in my mind where she existed with me still to not kill myself because the pain was so intense. I realized that my biggest mistake in the relationship was not loving myself, so I had nothing left to give. And then I started to remember the horrible things she did, hitting me repeatedly and shrieking while I was hunched over crying. Complete disregard of me to the point where I felt so invalidated that I stopped trusting my own mind. And the worst part, it wasn't the things she did. It was the thing she didn't do, that I always tried to do. Be honest and admit to her mistakes.

I searched online, looking into invalidation, loss of identity. And I came upon BPD... .I thought I had it for a bit because a person that's been destroyed to the point of having PTSD, has a lot in common with a Borderline. But then I read more about it and realized I don't have it, because I admit to my mistakes and don't have the multiple emotional identities that she did. She once told me at the start of the relationship that she had BPD and I thought nothing of it. "Oh, just another thing to look past and accept, no worries deary!"

Before I met her, I was naive, trusting, meek. And I never really stuck up for myself to people. But I had an identity. People liked me... .I was funny, smart, interesting, understood and related to people well. Had about 10 friends that loved me. I've got 2 friends left now.

Anyways, moving on. I read about all this BPD and co-dependency stuff. And I wonder, who was she really? Who is she now? The more I know, the more I think she isn't really much of anybody. And never was. Maybe a good actress to herself and others, and that's it? Maybe a good denier of reality? Just a collection of interests and people and animals that make her who she is, because who she is, is barely anything at all. I understand how you people could still be attached. I guess I still am a bit. But the truth is, these people are soul suckers. They take, and take, and walk away. And more than anything, they barely change at all. Wake the hell up and realize... .Neither of you were capable of a non-needy love. But you have a chance now, to rebuild yourselves as something that is capable of a healthy non-needy love. You can self-realize, self-actualize. And at the very least build a healthy, whole ego. Through enough self love and self acceptance. And if you take this journey even further, you can transcend much of your ego itself. They, probably can't go on this journey, although I hope they all do someday.

Much love, to the victims of BPD, and even to those who have it. We can't save you though, you have to save yourselves.

[Ironmanrises]

I'm not going to go into every detail, but my ex/with BPD shamed me for my sexuality, caused me to lose my home, my job as a computer programmer and my best friend. Then I blocked out the entire world, being constantly neurotic. After I was neurotic, she was always upset that I didn't pay attention to her. She never bent in an argument, never admitted to a mistake and convinced me I was the problem. She eventually stopped loving me "because this always happens and she can't get it back". Although it was doomed at that point since I sacrificed all of my identity and self esteem. I gotta admit I was uptight and angry with her for those 7 years of being neurotic. Living only for her, but being unable to be around her. I always thought she was the perfect person at the beginning deep down and that I had just ed up. I broke up with her to try to force her to love me I guess. And then once she was gone I was destroyed and had to face my feelings, since I wanted the world to know the truth of how she was the universe to me.

I searched my soul, blaming myself for everything. I had to create a special place in my mind where she existed with me still to not kill myself because the pain was so intense. I realized that my biggest mistake in the relationship was not loving myself, so I had nothing left to give. And then I started to remember the horrible things she did, hitting me repeatedly and shrieking while I was hunched over crying. Complete disregard of me to the point where I felt so invalidated that I stopped trusting my own mind. And the worst part, it wasn't the things she did. It was the thing she didn't do, that I always tried to do. Be honest and admit to her mistakes.

I searched online, looking into invalidation, loss of identity. And I came upon BPD... .I thought I had it for a bit because a person that's been destroyed to the point of having PTSD, has a lot in common with a Borderline. But then I read more about it and realized I don't have it, because I admit to my mistakes and don't have the multiple emotional identities that she did. She once told me at the start of the relationship that she had BPD and I thought nothing of it. "Oh, just another thing to look past and accept, no worries deary!"

Before I met her, I was naive, trusting, meek. And I never really stuck up for myself to people. But I had an identity. People liked me... .I was funny, smart, interesting, understood and related to people well. Had about 10 friends that loved me. I've got 2 friends left now.

Anyways, moving on. I read about all this BPD and co-dependency stuff. And I wonder, who was she really? Who is she now? The more I know, the more I think she isn't really much of anybody. And never was. Maybe a good actress to herself and others, and that's it? Maybe a good denier of reality? Just a collection of interests and people and animals that make her who she is, because who she is, is barely anything at all. I understand how you people could still be attached. I guess I still am a bit. But the truth is, these people are soul suckers. They take, and take, and walk away. And more than anything, they barely change at all. Wake the hell up and realize... .Neither of you were capable of a non-needy love. But you have a chance now, to rebuild yourselves as something that is capable of a healthy non-needy love. You can self-realize, self-actualize. And at the very least build a healthy, whole ego. Through enough self love and self acceptance. And if you take this journey even further, you can transcend much of your ego itself. They, probably can't go on this journey, although I hope they all do someday.

Much love, to the victims of BPD, and even to those who have it. We can't save you though, you have to save yourselves.

That was powerful. I can so relate. That special place in your mind that you refer to, I have one too. That is where I keep my ex, to block out the pain. It becomes overwhelming. And not loving yourself and having nothing left to give, count me in on that too. That was my biggest mistake as well.

[KE151]

hi superior,

great post, once again validates my own past agonies, thank you.

it seems you have your head above the water now, and have accepted her illness and started to deal with your own issues as well. Good for you!

All the best

KE

[BuildingFromScratch]

Logically, I'm in a great place. Emotionally I'm still confused, shattered and lost. I don't know who I am, what I want and some days I'm still stuck in a neurotic state, I guess because of some PTSD or something?

[KE151]

Logically, I'm in a great place. Emotionally I'm still confused, shattered and lost. I don't know who I am, what I want and some days I'm still stuck in a neurotic state, I guess because of some PTSD or something?

PTSD quite probably. I was a complete wreck for months on end. NC helped me, and slowly picking up activities that make ME happy.

The confusion is due to the long time you've spent with a disordered person. No wonder you lose track of yourself, your BPD r/s was such a trainwreck! The confusion will pass, trust me. It will be replaced with clarity when the time is right. Time is on your side now, and it heals.

[maxen]

hi outlook. i'm so sorry for the abuse you were given and i think what KE said about recovering yourself will be very helpful.

And the worst part, it wasn't the things she did. It was the thing she didn't do, that I always tried to do. Be honest and admit to her mistakes.

i too had this experience throughout the marriage, but one appalling example of it after she left. she lived in our marriage in deceit for about 7 weeks, i've now figured, then came home from work, announced there was someone else, and drove away to move in with that person. 'shattered' doesn't begin to describe how i feel. the first time (of two) that we met after she left i pointed out to her that i, for my part, had always been honest with her. red with fury she accused me of acting morally superior. so she wasn't only deceitful, she was contemptuous that she should be expected to be honest. BPD is an awful thing.

[broken but not beaten]

I lost my temper too,felt awful afterwards and tried apologising,no good comes from trying to say your sorry for your mistakes you get burned and your apology only serves as a justification for their behaviour by admitting you made a mistake. As decent human beings we want to say we are sorry for our part if we did wrong but we get burdened with everything they feel and its projected onto us... .as with other posts I agree go no contact no good can come of this,just take time to heal and love yourself