What am I, who am I, why did I do this ?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

After 5,5 months I threw the towel in the ring last Friday.

I couldn't handle all the blaming, all the quarrelling, all the bad mouthing at me anymore... .

And hitting me had to be the last thing on her list... .

Knew about BPD all along, I thought I was strong and wise enough to handle it. Ok, I'm not... .I don't even want to be anymore... .

I'm just so tired and emotionally numb... .

I'm doubting myself, my own sanity, my selfrespect... .

Dragged myself and my children into this... .

Maybe I should be happy that I was eventually strong enough to end it.

Now she wants to be friends. Come on, she called me a hundred times I'm "the worst man on earth" and now she wants to be friends ? And you know what, I'm even considering it... .

Please remind me of not doing that !

[Hutsepotmetworst]

After 5,5 months I threw the towel in the ring last Friday.

I couldn't handle all the blaming, all the quarrelling, all the bad mouthing at me anymore... .

And hitting me had to be the last thing on her list... .

Knew about BPD all along, I thought I was strong and wise enough to handle it. Ok, I'm not... .I don't even want to be anymore... .

I'm just so tired and emotionally numb... .

I'm doubting myself, my own sanity, my selfrespect... .

Dragged myself and my children into this... .

Maybe I should be happy that I was eventually strong enough to end it.

Now she wants to be friends. Come on, she called me a hundred times I'm "the worst man on earth" and now she wants to be friends ? And you know what, I'm even considering it... .

Please remind me of not doing that !

[strikeforce]

Hey Hutsepotmetworst   

Do not be her friend, you already know this but It will be the worst decision you'll ever make.

She will keep you hanging on, ready for a future recycle, will rub the new men she'll soon be having sex with in your face. She will do everything she can to hurt you worse than before.

Maintain NC and within a few weeks you will be getting better. Its not easy, it will be hard but in the end you will be thankful.

[ScotisGone74]

To them 'being friends' =  You stay on the hook and stay around until my current lover/relationship begins to go sour/you stay around so she can make the current Mr. X jealous and triangulate/you stay on the hook as a helping hand for whatever SHE needs, and in addition if You need anything, well you can absolutely forget that.  So if that is your idea of a good 'friend', then go for it.  I know you are smarter than that.  Read what happens to some of these people that have hung on 'being friends' and recycled multiple times. 

Peace

[lightswitch]

  Keep reminding yourself of the injurious facts that were part of the relationship.  My attention was drawn to you mentioning your children.  In the end, I kicked him out due to a minor injury to my youngest child that was a result of ex having a tantrum which resulted in lots of broken glass.  My older children were at a point where several of them were saying that they would live with their father full time if my H didn't leave.  He had lost control in front of them, and started accusing them of things they didn't do, started berating them, and one night got really drunk and pretty much verbally assaulted my son who had (up til that point), looked up to him.  During one of his tantrums in which he would pack his stuff in his vehicle and drive away, my oldest daughter started packing it for him.  She is usually a very passive person.

  Even with my kids general disrespect for his actions, I wasn't listening!  I was still hooked. Addicted.  Having my youngest innocent daughter put in a position of physical harm got my attention.  It takes what it takes.  Having nc and lack of physical contact with him helps me keep it in perspective.  It does not mean that I'm not suffering from serious depression, anger, etc.  Staying on these boards, reading and posting helps so much.  We need to remind each other and support each other of the serious harm done by pwBPD who are untreated.  Things will not change, they will not get better.  This is a serious illness, and only the rare few who make a decision ON THEIR OWN to seek treatment, separate and apart from any contingency or recycling, have any hope to manage their illness.  You're familiar with their tricks.  Remain true to yourself by remembering your own tricks that you use to try to convince yourself that things are ok, or would be better, etc.  That is denial doing it's thing. 

 

[Lucky Jim]

Maybe I should be happy that I was eventually strong enough to end it.

Hey Hutsepot, Yes, be grateful that the nightmare is over.  Some of us (read: me) spent years in a marriage to a pwBPD.  Like you, I thought I was "strong and wise enough to handle it," but found out the hard way that BPD is extremely complex and destructive.  Forget being "friends" and move on with your life.  You don't need friends like that!  Lucky Jim

[Turkish]

After 5,5 months I threw the towel in the ring last Friday.

I couldn't handle all the blaming, all the quarrelling, all the bad mouthing at me anymore... .

And hitting me had to be the last thing on her list... .

Knew about BPD all along, I thought I was strong and wise enough to handle it. Ok, I'm not... .I don't even want to be anymore... .

I'm just so tired and emotionally numb... .

I'm doubting myself, my own sanity, my selfrespect... .

Dragged myself and my children into this... .

Maybe I should be happy that I was eventually strong enough to end it.

Now she wants to be friends. Come on, she called me a hundred times I'm "the worst man on earth" and now she wants to be friends ? And you know what, I'm even considering it... .

Please remind me of not doing that !

Mine wants to be friends, too. "We had a good six year run" she told me a month ago. 6 years, two kids... .yeah, a good "run." How cruel. My mom told me a month ago about my X, "she knows how to hurt." Sums it up perfectly.

A friend is someone with whom you entrust the building of your character. How can you be friends with someone whom you can't trust, who has betrayed, lied, and emotionally abused you?

The answer is you can't.

Who could be friends with someone like that? To paraphrase what someone else wrote on these boards, how can you be friends with someone you can't get close to, whom you can't count on to be there for you, but always expects you to be there for them? That's not a friend. That's someone using you to meet their needs. We're tools to them, little else. With a friend like that, who needs an enemy?

[frustrated b/f]

Ditto "Everything"

I know your pain OP, it sounds so similar to my own stories. NC is the only way to go!

[houseofswans]

how can you be friends with someone you can't get close to, whom you can't count on to be there for you, but always expects you to be there for them? That's not a friend. That's someone using you to meet their needs. We're tools to them, little else. With a friend like that, who needs an enemy?

A Turkish delight 

[HarmKrakow]

After 5,5 months I threw the towel in the ring last Friday.

I couldn't handle all the blaming, all the quarrelling, all the bad mouthing at me anymore... .

And hitting me had to be the last thing on her list... .

Knew about BPD all along, I thought I was strong and wise enough to handle it. Ok, I'm not... .I don't even want to be anymore... .

I'm just so tired and emotionally numb... .

I'm doubting myself, my own sanity, my selfrespect... .

Dragged myself and my children into this... .

Maybe I should be happy that I was eventually strong enough to end it.

Now she wants to be friends. Come on, she called me a hundred times I'm "the worst man on earth" and now she wants to be friends ? And you know what, I'm even considering it... .

Please remind me of not doing that !

Friends? Don't even consider it please.

Echt, gast, niet doen!

[ShadowDancer]

Boundaries can work wonders. You were not "friends" then nor can you miraculously be now.

Do your self esteem a favor and give your sanity a boost and say "NO THANKS" and MEAN IT!

[ShadowDancer]

Boundaries can work wonders. You were not "friends" then nor can you miraculously "become" friends be now.

Do your self esteem a favor and give your sanity a boost and say "NO THANKS" and MEAN IT!

Seriously.

[BuildingFromScratch]

You're lucky. You have some self respect left! I didn't. I lost EVERYTHING and stayed for like 12 years. But you should still work on yourself now, because to have put up with that crap at all, you have to have some co-dependency issues.

[Hutsepotmetworst]

Rest of the story... .

So Monday she started texting me about being friends.

I responded I didn't see that work, because I didn't feel like she really listened to me.

Off course, saying that started her raging at me... .

After a while her raging stopped, and half an hour later she started texting me about sex. I don't know why, but I went with it. I suppose the great sex is the one thing I really miss about her (sad but true).

She asked if she could come over to my house to make love to me. I said "Yes, but just as friends"

"Then I will just lay down with you on the bed", she replied.

Well, OK, we lay down on the bed, started kissing and ended up having sex... .

She left peacefully that evening.

Next day, she started texting me in a friendly way about why we could not have our relationship working. Told her we were both unhappy in the relationship and that I didn't believe we could ever get it working.

She changed the subject to her kids, that they were missing me too. And that they liked to talk to me about the break-up. I miss them very much, and I love these kids like I love mine, so I agreed to go to her house and have a talk.

A bit later she asks me (all via texting) if I had contacted X again since the break-up. X being a female friend of mine, who I stopped contacting when I noticed my UxBPDgf was extremely jealous. I like to talk to X, being with her is very relaxing to me. I responded honestly, "Yes".

That blew up in my face, she said I had betrayed her, she hated me and would never see me again.

I felt really relieved after that. 2 days of NC followed and I felt like I had my life back in my hands, making plans to redecorate my house a bit with the help of my girls. Just trying to get back on track with myself. Also had a good talk with my T.

But last evening she stood at my door. She looked calm and not-dysregulated and she just wanted to talk, so I let her in.

When we sat down I was shaking of fear for another rage coming up. I just let her talk, it was all about how she was devastated, and feeling bad, and how she wasn't herself anymore in our r/s. The small things I said about myself were directly countered by "how do you think I feel ?".

After a while she asked for a hug... .I'm just too good for this world, so I gave her a hug. She started kissing me... .and it ended with sex (not going all the way, but still... .).

When she left, she asked me to promise to not let her down and being friends. I agreed... .   

I just can't handle another rage, I'm so afraid of that. So I tell her what she wants to hear, even if I would like to never hear or see her again.

Luckily she has asked me to contact her, so maybe if I go NC long enough she will just replace me and don't need me ?

Today I'm feeling sick with myself. Why am I so weak, why do I let her get away with all this. And why do I engage in sex with her. I don't even like her anymore... .

[HarmKrakow]

Rest of the story... .

  :'(

Today I'm feeling sick with myself. Why am I so weak, why do I let her get away with all this. And why do I engage in sex with her. I don't even like her anymore... .

Mate, for the love of everything, what are you doing to yourself?

You are addicted. Is it to the period of what you guys once shared with each other? Or are you afraid to fully let her go? She is still the one in control. She doesn't deserve to be in control. You need to be careful before she gives you the mother of all rages. She is emotionally unstable and you are vulnerable. It's like she's fire and  you are oxygen (or oil ).

The question is...

Why do you continue with this? Is it out of sake of love to her? Or to yourself? Hope of getting back together?

What do you seek out of this contact? Sex? A 'het spijt me, vergeef me' sort of answer?

Don't you think you and your kids deserve better? A peaceful quiet life?

Are you addicted to the drama?

...

What is going to happen if you remain NC, for like a year? This on and off contact of hers is constantly resetting the score of your healing : (

En om het dan toch nog maar even zo te zeggen. Alsjeblieft, wordt wakker! Ik heb het idee dat je verslaafd bent, aan haar, aan een bepaalde gedachte die niet klopt. Wat wil je nog van haar? Kijk eens in de spiegel en vraag je dat eens af.

[Hutsepotmetworst]

Why do you continue with this? Is it out of sake of love to her? Or to yourself? Hope of getting back together?

What do you seek out of this contact? Sex? A 'het spijt me, vergeef me' sort of answer?

Don't you think you and your kids deserve better? A peaceful quiet life?

Are you addicted to the drama?

I don't want anything anymore of her, Harm.

But when we meet face-to-face I'm really afraid of her. You mentioned the mother of all rages... .I have experienced two already... .I'm even feeling unsafe in my own house.

I can't just tell her "goodbye, see you never again", because I know of what she's capable of.

For a long time I wanted to be the one person in her life that helped her. I know about BPD, her horrible youth, I see the lonely, anxious little girl in her. I KNOW HER. But I can't help her, and it's freaking frustrating to see that she's throwing her life and happiness away, while it's sitting on her doorstep.

[HarmKrakow]

Why do you continue with this? Is it out of sake of love to her? Or to yourself? Hope of getting back together?

What do you seek out of this contact? Sex? A 'het spijt me, vergeef me' sort of answer?

Don't you think you and your kids deserve better? A peaceful quiet life?

Are you addicted to the drama?

I don't want anything anymore of her, Harm.

But when we meet face-to-face I'm really afraid of her. You mentioned the mother of all rages... .I have experienced two already... .I'm even feeling unsafe in my own house.

I can't just tell her "goodbye, see you never again", because I know of what she's capable of.

For a long time I wanted to be the one person in her life that helped her. I know about BPD, her horrible youth, I see the lonely, anxious little girl in her. I KNOW HER. But I can't help her, and it's freaking frustrating to see that she's throwing her life and happiness away, while it's sitting on her doorstep.

You know what i'm afraid of? That eventually she will be the one closing the door after you are fully drained of everything, life, energy and you hit a full blown depression, anxiety attack, mother of all panic attacks or a burn out. As this is draining you right?

[Hutsepotmetworst]

You know what i'm afraid of? That eventually she will be the one closing the door after you are fully drained of everything, life, energy and you hit a full blown depression, anxiety attack, mother of all panic attacks or a burn out. As this is draining you right?

Yes, absolutely... .

I feel like a punch bag with a small hole in it. With every rage, every remark she punched content out of me and at this moment I am almost empty.

[HarmKrakow]

You know what i'm afraid of? That eventually she will be the one closing the door after you are fully drained of everything, life, energy and you hit a full blown depression, anxiety attack, mother of all panic attacks or a burn out. As this is draining you right?

Yes, absolutely... .

I feel like a punch bag with a small hole in it. With every rage, every remark she punched content out of me and at this moment I am almost empty.

To give you an insight in my own therapy.

What you are experiencing, happened in a way with me as well. The punches kept coming, I had friends who told me, Harm, what the heck? Users here were like, what the heck? Therapist was like what the heck? But the people who knew me quite well including the therapist told me all the same eventually, you will receive the punches until you are completely dried up. The moment you really hit rock bottom.

You know what happened after all those punches for months and months and months? That I did hit that rock bottom. I got the mother of all rages from her... like the mother of the mother of the grandmother of the mother of all rages. You know what happened? That struck me so down in therapy that I entered into a PTSD issue where this last mother of all rages had to be tackled through EMDR therapy to relive that last rage and realize that that was the illness speaking.

We all do these battles on our own, but I am afraid there will be a K.O knockout for you coming the upcoming months... and you should wonder. Is that worth it? Look at yourself deeply and wonder, why are you not standing up for yourself. Do you listen to yourself? Afraid of her? Mate, look in the shower tonight when you wash yourself and look if you still have a 'pair hanging'. If so, next time, stand up and stand your ground! If they aint hanging, go seek a doctor .

[Hutsepotmetworst]

I got the mother of all rages from her... like the mother of the mother of the grandmother of the mother of all rages.

Mate, look in the shower tonight when you wash yourself and look if you still have a 'pair hanging'. If so, next time, stand up and stand your ground! If they aint hanging, go seek a doctor .

Harm, I just found the force to produce a little smile on my face... .for the first time today.

Just got a text from her... .She's horny and wants me inside her... .

Why can't she just leave me alone. She's so crazy... .and crazy-making... .

[Jbt857]

Don't respond. Just leave it!

You really need to go NC, by the sounds of it, and even if being scared means that you have to withdraw gradually, start now, by ignoring that message.

Switch your phone off. If she doesn't get a response, she will go focus on something else a while and give you some peace at least, but as long as you're engaging with her, you're feeding her attention seeking behaviour, and as long as you are, she's not going to leave you alone. One of you has to break that cycle, and it won't be her, because you're giving her what she wants.

You have a choice to stop doing that.

So stop.

[HarmKrakow]

I got the mother of all rages from her... like the mother of the mother of the grandmother of the mother of all rages.

Mate, look in the shower tonight when you wash yourself and look if you still have a 'pair hanging'. If so, next time, stand up and stand your ground! If they aint hanging, go seek a doctor .

Harm, I just found the force to produce a little smile on my face... .for the first time today.

Here to help dude

Just got a text from her... .She's horny and wants me inside her... .

Why can't she just leave me alone. She's so crazy... .and crazy-making... .

You say, why can't she leave you alone? I ask, why can't you leave her alone? You enable your own crazy making! You do! The question is, why?

You are not in a committed relationship with this woman right? She has you under her thumb! She has! Seriously, I almost begin to worry if you still have a pair under there.

Let me keep it simple. What will it take for you, to stand up to her dog$h!t? What will it take for you that next time you look in the shower that they are so big they hurt? You are feeding this woman with so much oil for her fire on you that it hurts for me as a complete stranger seeing you getting hurt.

I can put it also in a more graphical kind of way ...



Or even in a textual story ...



In the end it's totally up to you. Stop this madness mate. I'll eat a hutspot met worst 2night to toast on you on the hope that you found your pair of bollocks again. Stand up to her! Take control!

[Pretty Woman]

Hey, listen to these people, man.

My ex wanted to keep me a a friend as she was dumping me. Told me my friendship was irreplaceable and I was her "best friend".

She is telling me I am irreplaceable as she is dumping me.

I told her no way, I wasn't sticking around to be her back up.

Funny how I went from being irreplaceable to blocked on FB, phone and told I was the reason this relationship went south.

It's all about their needs. I know it is hard. I struggle every day. Yesterday was the first time I started to feel better.

I know you have kids with her. You will need to interact in some way. The best thing you can do is respect yourself and set boundaries. Not to be rash or crude... .if she wants sex she will get it elsewhere and probably has before.

Don't give in to her. You are so much better than this!

[Hutsepotmetworst]

I know you have kids with her. You will need to interact in some way. The best thing you can do is respect yourself and set boundaries. Not to be rash or crude... .if she wants sex she will get it elsewhere and probably has before.

Don't give in to her. You are so much better than this!

Thank God I have no kids together with her. We have kids from r/s before.

I hear you all. I'm going NC, and just hope she will not show up on my doorstep anymore to harass me and my kids (as she's already done before).

Thanks for all your wisdom and kicking my ass 

[Pretty Woman]

I think it will get easier once you set boundaries.  I haven't had this opportunity (blessing) yet as my ex cut me off for my replacement.

I think it will be very empowering for you. The more times you do it, the stronger you will become. Hopefully, you won't have to do it too many times.

Hugs.