Help me get back on track

[alliance]

I was doing so well... .I thought.

Brief recap, ex and I were on/off for 5 months, nc for a couple, brief reconnect with booty call, nc now for 3 months.

Unlike some of you, we didn't really have what I consider a honeymoon phase. Was very conflictual from the start cuz stuff just didn't make sense to me. The woman who barely acknowledged me for the couple of years we crossed paths suddenly takes an overwhelming interest in me. It was flattering but it just didn't feel like it had anything to do with me the person, nor did it ever feel this woman was attracted to me. Lots of attention but none of the stuff I expect when it is about me.

She was not happy about the nc but abided by it.

She is with someone new now. We all cross paths on a couple of social networking sites. I knew it was coming and I knew who the next conquest would be cuz she was pursuing it, during the booty call, on my computer.

For the most part, I just shook my head when I saw stuff about them. In my head, I was seeing all the signs - the seduction which she is very very good at, the instant shallow intimacy, etc.

The only thing I was having trouble with was how public things were. This was very unlike the person I knew. The person before, me, the person after me... .she wanted it kept very private... .partly cuz sometimes she was doing 2 of us at once.

But this one was different in that it was public and odd in how it is public. Let me explain:

1. as my ex uses one site to hook her conquests (that I know of). She had many suitors. The new person made it public and quickly. Smart move in a way.

2. the new person speaks often about my ex, her looks, her sexiness etc. My ex rarely says anything personal about this person. Most of what she says is she had a good time. My decoder ring says that is interesting.

3. both of them seem to have the need to tell people when and where they are meeting up every single time i.e. one's place, the others place, or somewhere in between. My decoder ring has no answer for that except it is odd.

I put the two of them on ignore a long time ago, so I don't get to see anything unless I visit the site as a guest. And, I rarely go to the site anymore.

My problem is this: I have felt pretty comfortable moving on, being nc, and working on me. I have been dating a bit but am still not sure I am ready cuz my date will say something pretty run of the mill and it may trigger something in me. So, I find myself looking at them differently.

The past 3 weeks, I have been getting this unsettled feeling and it is growing. I am finding myself thinking and ruminating more. I am finding myself having flashbacks more. I can feel her more, and even almost feel her presence. More than once I have had to visualize actually pushing her away and out of the house.

And, I don't know why this is happening. But, my gut tells me something is coming and it isn't going to be pretty.

My usual way of dealing with this is physical activity but I am grounded due to a medical problem. The non physical stress reducers are taking the edge off but not giving me the release I need.

Any thoughts? Suggestions? I am at a loss here.

[babyducks]

  Alliance,

I have been wondering about the significance of certain milestones, like the 3 month mark, the 6 month mark and the like.

I have also noticed that for me certain life events have become triggers for ruminations about the EX. 

For example my EX and I spent a lot of time arguing about my place of work.  She wanted to buy a house and I would reply that I was very worried about the future of my company and didn't want a big expense.

Well about a month ago my company announced it is closing its doors and I am dealing with the fall out of the business closing.   

Which is emotionally entangled for me with the breakup.  Its another loss and its a loss that in some ways reopens the wounds of my break up.   The childish part of me wants to contact the EX and say SEE I TOLD YOU SO.

I agree with you we develop a sense of our pwBPD.  I got pretty good at predicting when a storm was brewing.  If your gut tells you something is coming, trust that something is coming and find a way to buy time when it comes your way.

In regards to the New Person posting all sorts of info regarding the relationship, it strikes me that the New Person is living their life as theater.   Performance art is interesting but not my thing.  In my opinion if you want the world to see the details of your life, as in a reality TV show, that is also an unhealthy level of need, just a different need,  a need for validation.

In regards to the EX not posting about the New Person but posting the details of when/where they got together.  Fits.   One of the traits of BPD is not having a sense of self, down to not knowing what they like or don't like, so how can she post a comment about the New Person... .probably can't figure out what she likes or doesn't.  But she does know she hates to be alone, fears abandonment and creating a public record of "togetherness" must be pretty important to her.

just my rambling thoughts.

ducks

[ShadowDancer]

I found the social media stuff helped keep me soul sicker much longer than need be. So I swore of all sites ENTIRELY. Even shut down my facebook which of course took months to close. I have to say now that some time has elapsed social media strikes me as actually a form self aggrandizement and of a certain insecurity and immaturity.

When I want to talk to a friend I just pick of the phone today and talk one on one rather than feeling the need to communicate all of my business to all my acquaintances.

I have BPD radar today as well. I "know" when the cycles change. I am fortunate... .as the xBPD CANNOT contact me as I have taken evasive maneuvers and action. What I don't know won't hurt me. Ignorance in this case is indeed bliss.

[fromheeltoheal]

My take is a borderline, lacking a fully formed self, is a chameleon and will be whoever she needs to be with a new suitor; mine was almost a female version of me initially, in the idealization, attachment and seduction phase.  This new guy may be very public, so she will be too, until the bubble pops.  The real girl I was dating was very dark, morose, moody, suicidal, so of course when a new Knight in Shining Armor shows up, it's off to the races again with the fantasy, which is much better than she really feels, up until we prove ourselves to be standard human, and the let down is very painful for her, every time.

Anyway, my detachment was not linear, I'd dream about her or think about her a lot when I thought all of that was behind me; apparently there was some left.  I was almost paranoid about repressing anything, so I'd think about her, replay it all in my head, focus on it, until that too would run its course.  Maybe there's still some in there for you?  It took me longer than the relationship lasted to fully detach, which I think I have today, longer than I expected or wanted it to, but the bond and the wounds were deep.  Keep digging and see what comes up, and make sure you feel it all the way.

[alliance]

Thanks for the insights. I needed to take a step back and just breathe.

I'm thinking this might just be another step in the process i.e. seeing something I thought I had clarity on in a new a different way. That is always a disturbing and unsettling kind of thing to go thru.

[bpdspell]

Any thoughts? Suggestions? I am at a loss here.

Hey Alliance,

In order to get back on track you have to be honest with yourself about what you truly want. From what you wrote it seems you are fearful of being weak if your ex tries to recycle. Do you want your ex back? It's more than ok to admit the truth to yourself so you can start from an empowering standpoint.

I wanted my ex back even when I didn't want to admit it to myself, my friends and others on BPD family. Bottling up my true feelings about my ex became a huge source of shame for me because I beat up on myself incessantly for desiring someone who took many dumps on my head. So i repressed, tried to date others, and told many lies to myself and none of it worked.

What will not help you is creating a narrative of your ex's life through social media. Putting random details together about posts on Facebook will only keep you stuck in rumination which is like being on a treadmill with no power.

So what do you want? The answer you give cannot be judged by those of us on here but answering this question will take you out of the spirit of confusion that so many of us on here are inclined to feel because many of us judge our true feelings instead of accepting where we are really at in the process of understanding the toxic dance that we were once a part of.


Spell