Should I really completely ignore my ex?

[Smartalec]

My ex has moved away. She claims to hate me and found a way to make me feel like I did something wrong when she wanted to break up... .Very sneakily. So I left.

She called a few weeks ago and hung up as soon as I answer. I followed up with a text asking if she wanted to talk. And then she called again (twice) last night to get someone else's number. It really seems like an attempt to reach out to me in a nonchalant way. But she still says I'm a terrible person. I feel harassed, but I somehow feel like she is struggling and trying to find a way to be a part of my life.

The ironic part is that she says she wants nothing to do with me but still calls and hangs up or calls for a random person's number (I know she has this number and is probably just calling to call.) I guess I am confused and wondering if I should let it go. She doesn't have many people... .She is off her meds and has a suicidal history. I am sure she's been sleeping around. Any way to convince her to seek help or seek the meds?

[Turkish]

My ex has moved away. She claims to hate me and found a way to make me feel like I did something wrong when she wanted to break up... .Very sneakily. So I left.

She called a few weeks ago and hung up as soon as I answer. I followed up with a text asking if she wanted to talk. And then she called again (twice) last night to get someone else's number. It really seems like an attempt to reach out to me in a nonchalant way. But she still says I'm a terrible person. I feel harassed, but I somehow feel like she is struggling and trying to find a way to be a part of my life.

The ironic part is that she says she wants nothing to do with me but still calls and hangs up or calls for a random person's number (I know she has this number and is probably just calling to call.) I guess I am confused and wondering if I should let it go. She doesn't have many people... .She is off her meds and has a suicidal history. I am sure she's been sleeping around. Any way to convince her to seek help or seek the meds?

Short answer to your subject line: yes.

Easier said than done, though, especially when they start stalking us because they can't fully detach. They do reach out in weird ways, though they never admit this. Mine does it in strange manners and if I didn't understand the psychology behind it, I'd probably go crazy. Even when children finally realize that their parents are horrible people, they are still parents. That's the BPD view: that we are the ones that abandoned them, a replacement for a child attachment to a caregiver that was lost or unavailable. How does a child comprehend this in a healthy way without guidance? They remain forever stuck as children, emotionally. They often reject us in the same way they felt rejected as children. They take out their anger on us for that which they mostly can't release on their abandoning caregivers, because they also feel guilt over having those feelings.

It sounds cruel, and surely you still care for her, but better to leave them to their own devices. The better question is why we still want to help them. I'll fully admit to that myself, despite my X's continued betrayal and subtle emotional abuse.

This might help shed light on some things for you if you haven't already found it:

Ten Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck - Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder

[Perfidy]

Shoot... .Just ask her. But ya... .We have to seek advice when we know that the answers are likely to be some kind of nonsense that really needs a lot of brainwork to arrive at any kind of conclusion. Direct conversation seems to be useless. It goes in circles and becomes completely perplexing. Then you feel sad because you want something to be rectified but it never is. No closure. No contact period is one of the things that I live by where it comes to my ex. Too many years of living hell to process let alone any current bs. This u believe has helped me more than anything. Going forward in my life without any of her crap. Believe me... I have enough of my own.

Could you imagine... ." Hey, are you calling me just to talk to me or do you really need something that I can help you with?" Ask her that question and then decide if contact is wise. That is a direct question. See if you get a direct answer. You and I both know you won't.

I really hope the best for you in this. I struggle plenty with zero contact. It was a bond but I know now that it wasn't a love bond. It was something that was awful and had a horrible effect on me. I was so depressed for so long that at one point all I thought about was killing myself. I felt so bad I cried every day for months. This is where I came from. I'm still not a hundred percent but I am better. If I have contact the poison that is still coming out of me gets strong and I regress. I never want that darkness in my life again. Contact closes the door and rolls the blinds down. The sun goes away. The world changes to a scary and unfamiliar place. F that

[Mutt]

They remain forever stuck as children, emotionally. They often reject us in the same way they felt rejected as children. They take out their anger on us for that which they mostly can't release on their abandoning caregivers, because they also feel guilt over having those feelings.

Transference.

[fromheeltoheal]

She says she hates you, she plays games with the phone, she's off her meds, suicidal and sleeping around, you feel harassed.

Do you want a relationship with someone exhibiting that behavior, on any level?  No contact is not plain ignoring, it's setting and enforcing strong boundaries that are consistent with how you want to be treated and what you will accept.  And as you learn about the disorder and she continues doing what she does, you will understand it better.

And even more important, do you feel a need to rescue her?  If so, where does that come from?  Are you expecting to get by giving, or is it truly selfless?  Nothing wrong with helping a friend in need; so do you consider her a friend, remembering all of her behavior, and could you be as emotionally detached as a friend would be, or is there more to it?

[Learning_curve74]

Hi Smartalec, in your words it does sound like you feel "confused", and it is a normal reaction to this kind of behavior from your ex: her words and actions don't match up.

Can you convince her to seek help? The answer is "maybe?" Depending on things, the more accurate answer could also be "unlikely". Just how do you propose to go about convincing her though?

[goldylamont]

She says she hates you, she plays games with the phone, she's off her meds, suicidal and sleeping around, you feel harassed.

Do you want a relationship with someone exhibiting that behavior, on any level?  No contact is not plain ignoring, it's setting and enforcing strong boundaries that are consistent with how you want to be treated and what you will accept.  And as you learn about the disorder and she continues doing what she does, you will understand it better.

And even more important, do you feel a need to rescue her?  If so, where does that come from?  Are you expecting to get by giving, or is it truly selfless?  Nothing wrong with helping a friend in need; so do you consider her a friend, remembering all of her behavior, and could you be as emotionally detached as a friend would be, or is there more to it?

^^ bingo. i think we have to take a hard look at ourselves and figure out why we'd want to "help" our ex. understandably, you might want something in return--like respect, kindness, closure, the full-recovery-recycle which i've never heard of happening. also, from the looks of it it doesn't seem like your ex wants to hear your opinion about her mental health. she might laugh in your face and tell you to get over it if you suggested it... .

[Iwalk-Heruns]

Quite simply yes! It is the only way to sum up what actually needs to happen for you to move on. As hard as that is to do. These kinds of behaviors just don't stop.