Struggling

[Jbt857]

I don't usually start threads myself, but could really use some perspective, insight and support right now.

So, my BPDexh and I have been separated since the end of February. We were married 9 years. He moved out end of April (those two months between were for him to save money to get a place of his own).

Since then, he has been in and out of my life (mostly out), stringing me on at times until I discovered this place, then found out shortly after finding BPD family, that I had been replaced and so , based on what I had learned here, I went NC.

He has also been in and out of trouble, staying with people rather than taking any responsibility for getting a place for himself and generally indulging in risky and reckless behaviour. Drugs, sex, petty crime.

He had left some stuff of his here on the premise that he needed to sort himself out a place to live and of course there has been the divorce, which I have handled without him.

There is some paperwork he needs to sign and I want him to collect the rest of his things and return my keys. Then we are truly done and I can draw a line. Finally.

I emailed him just over a week ago, asking him (very formally, and politely) if he could make arrangements for this to happen - ideally without me being present. He ignored that. I re-sent the message today via his Facebook (which I am very proud not to have looked at since going NC - I have only kept him unblocked because I knew I may need to contact him that way and I know blocking him would antagonise him - and I need these papers signed first).

I got a response that was "sorry, been working really long hours, you changed your number without telling me for no reason (I actually blocked him, but told him I'd changed my number), I'm (he actually wrote this) going from one place to another, from police station to police station, so don't make it any more difficult for me to contact you."

He continued that he still doesn't have a proper place to live and I'm unreasonable to ask him to take his stuff when he's in such a bad place. But of course he's happy to sign the paperwork and he hopes I'm 'letting go'

I don't know what to do with this. My natural instinct is to read the police stuff and reach out - it triggers every single fibre of my 'saving' instincts. But I shan't. I know that much (thanks to you guys).

I'm also amazed that he is still so totally unable to act like a responsible adult. He has had plenty of opportunity to find a place to live and he could easily have done so. That he is careering around so out of control amazes me. Except it doesn't - I've seen his rages. And of course, it could be a lie and simply to make me feel guilty because he knows me well enough to know that triggers me. That's entirely feasible too.

It confuses me that he is still being so awkward about final closure of moving his stuff. He's moved on. He is with someone else. He makes it very clear I am history (he's very BPD in that I don't exist when I not there). I'm the one picking up the pieces and clearing up the mess.

His BPD and NPD was diagnosed professionally, although his T was more focused on the NPD than the BPD. I see more BPD now I have taken the time to learn about it.

I'm just spinning out a bit. My adrenaline is up and I feel panicky from having contact with him, I don't know what to make of it, and I guess venting and asking you guys for some wise words is the best I could think to do, in the circumstances.

I need to figure out a response too, but I will leave that a while till I've had time to make sense of him.

Sorry if I rambled!

[LaSuede]

Hi, I am almost in the same situation... .

My pwBPDexbf went to his home country 3 months ago, to live with his parents and "heal", after one week he fled to a third country and into increasing substance abuse and sexual dito. He kept his address here at my place (saying it was for work) and some stuff... .I cleaned all out, that he brought - and packed all he did not bring. He could not. Too emotional for him (my emotions are not as relevant... .)

With the mails I keep on sending them his parents. Paying stamps for a big package per week and going to post office is one thing, more trouble is that his mails contains more and more of economical marks, severe once. It stress me. And I had to get in contact with the tax office to make sure they will not come for my things, since we are still on the same address.

And we have a 3 years old son together.

He has promised to change address, he has promised to pay Dhl for his boxes. Nothing happens. Last week I politely brought the question up again - he raged, threatening me verbally on text during 24 hours almost. Meanwhile he called the tax office, in anger, so I might be free on the mail/address part soon... .It looks like.

It's dreadful getting threaten etceteras. But I gained something more valuable for my healing and detachment and my future by getting one more practical stuff signed off my to-do list with him.

I see it a bit as taken those last "fights" to soon have fully NC (except for our son - doubt he will sign the papers to give me full custody... .It gives him some power left).

What I mean is: it feels horrible at the moment of the contact, rage or his "needs" - my ex too has put himself where I normally would have rescued him or at least been there as a support. He goes from rage to cries. He's literally on the street at times. But I turned diplomatically cold. From what he sees - my inside is another business, but not his... .Could you?

Because if you interfere the slightest now, you know he will for sure even blame you more soon. Try to let everything be his choice, his life to handle. You have your life to live.

I know it's hard, but the outcome on reaching out is worse. The dance that follows is worse. Most important stop trying to understand him. You say he has another, he should want to detach fully... .And so. Yes, that can even be complicated after nine years of marriage with a healthy person. With someone suffering from BPD it's for sure even less simple.

You must understand you. Your emotions when you have been in contact with him is much more important to listen to, analyse and understand.

You need to heal from your disease - cause it looks to me you are co-dependent as I am.

There's a few practical steps left for you. Could you split them up? Take the stuff first and the papers in a nearby future or vice versa?

Also, do you have any contact with someone that knows your ex? A parent, sibling, friend? Where you can send his stuff and inform him you have... ? Or even ask them to inform? Or do you have a friend or family member that can be the filter/messenger somehow... ?

Is there any legal person involved in your divorce that could be the "messenger"?

With the last paperwork I mean? In one sense anyone else should be more responsible for him and his stuff more than you are. You have done your part. Painful but it's true. You should put the energy you put on worrying about him on you instead.

You can also be someone asking for help... .Needing it... .

Do you know the new girl in any way, have her address or so? If so you could send his stuff there with a short, polite message to him. Be neutral. As much as possible.

I shiver under my cover after a SMS from him, I have answered on everything and nothing. I have cried. But I promise you, now when putting more of those emotions investigating me I feel slowly better. I fall back, emotionally, just want to cry or scream sometimes - I even, finally, got angry back in email the other day - so I have the proof that if showing my emotions to my ex just make things worse.

Keeping them, "hugging" me, improves my situation. Slowly, yes, but improving I am, only when shifting focus like this.

"Saving" him will for sure not deliberate you from the vicious circle, he will not learn how to act more as an adult (if he ever will only time can tell) and he will have more opportunities blaming you... .Nine years has passed. If you could have "saved" him, he would have been saved by now. Search why you "need" the "fix" to reach out on him... ? Can you put this good intentions and empathy elsewhere? Where the response would give you and the person you involve in something of value instead? At a shelter for homeless? Anything? Anyone?

Last, but important: do you have kids? If so, you know where the energy should go... .

All my understanding and thoughts. You are brave and has come far. It will be a roller-coaster still for a while, I guess, but not as un-controlled as with him. You can steer it a bit more by having the control and by not letting him into your heart.

Your heart is beautiful, kind, empathic. Protect it and give that love and power where it will grow, not where it will build up more complications.

My thoughts and wishes and a

[Jbt857]

Thanks for taking the time to respond, LaSuede.  (I never seem to get many responses on the occasion I do post). 

I deliberately held off contacting my ex to sign this paper, to be sure I was in as strong a place as I could be, emotionally, to deal with it. Hearing from him, even by email, sends my 'fight or flight' responses into overdrive. I literally feel sick and utterly panicked when I do hear from him. I guess that's the scars of so many years of walking on eggshells with him.

I have no plans to reach out, I helped him for many years. Like you, I keep calm and detached. It destroys me to see someone who I loved so much, who had every opportunity to make something of his life destroy it like that.

You are right, I am co-dependent, with huge abandonment issues - all of which I recognise and am working on. And making some progress.

But it's very difficult. We had quite a struggle to be together, I sacrificed a lot and I married for life. To walk away from someone I love, when I can see his pain has left me deeply traumatised.

There is nobody who is a neutral third ground. He has cut himselfofffrom our mutual friends and is with people I don't know. I don't know where he works or lives. We are doing the divorce ourselves, without lawyers, so there is no legal intermediary.

Thankfully, the ex and I have no kids. I work from home, have a small family who live far away so I am alone with my thoughts an awful lot, without really anyone to talk to who can understand. I try very hard to take care of myself and usually I do okay. It's just hard right now, and hearing from him and the guilt trip he's put me on just makes it harder.

Thanks again for your kind words, LaSuede. 

[LaSuede]

Ah, it's like it was me... .

Except for the  fact that I have a kid with my ex (and I one from before) and that I am not cut off from the world the same, working in different environements (and at home) - I even are fortunate nowadays having good contact with his parents... .

I don't know what I would have done otherwise.

I know, the guilt-trip... .

The struggle to be together, start up the relationship (love for life... ).

The pain seeing someone that had all the chances to get help (my ex was offered state-support, Bordeline therapy, money from his parents for councelling if staying at their place in his home-country).

The sadness seeing his pain.

The co-dependent-issue... .

The abandonment issues... .I do have on my own from a dysfunctional upbringing, but also reversed - I can NOT abandon anyone (my brother is mentally very ill, I want to fix what is broken... .)

I feel tremendously much for you.

In my conutnry there is no opportunity to get help as a "victim" in a borderline relationship. This site is literally saving lifes I believe.

It would have been great also to be able to have physical groups - I know we are not in the same country, but when the fact is like this. Seeing someone like you alone in it, I would have been glad if I would have been able to tell you: "Hey, there is a group near you, with meetings every Thursdays... ". Sort of.

Maybe something to think about, create some sort of network... ?

Also with physical meetings... ?

But maybe it's also important to do things and meet people out of the "issue".

Especially for us that are co-dependent.

To live YOUR life.

Meetup is an organisation I find great, even in my rare, small country.

There is tremendously many different groups and events.

Maybe connect to some of them, just to get out of the house, do something else, meet others... ? I don't know. You know the best for yourself and I am sure you do what is needed... .

Sad to hear you have no-one, not even an un-neutral third part... .

I have contact with the social service (family unit) - that felt soo far away from me, to be in contact with them (!) but I have one contact person there, that also have met my ex and it helps more than I could ever think... .

Is there anything like that? An organisation, service or else that could help just a little bit in the actual matters, with the divorce paper etc? If just listening to your thoughts, at least that.

Do you have a T?

Sorry for all my questions... .

I wish you find a way in all this. I wish you could feel less alone.

Think of you... .

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[Jbt857]

Thanks LaSuede.

Mostly, I've been okay. Getting by. Some days - weeks even, I've been pretty good. But I knew that having contact with him again would affect me, and I'd also been NC long enough that I was already in a place where I was ruminating about him, when logistics meant that I couldn't avoid contacting him, despite knowing it would not do me any good.

I find it quite clever the way he has engineered things so that I cannot avoid contact with him to finalise our divorce and house transfer. No forwarding address, no friends that I can have mediate. His family don't speak good English and are in another country. And he has moved on, yet he still does not want to come and finally take his stuff and close the door for good. I wonder how conscious that is on his part? That even now he is finding reasons not to just be done with it, baffles me.

I am going out and meeting new people, (yes, thank you Meetup!), but I don't really want to take the baggage of my relationship with me into the new friendships I have made. I have no brothers or sisters to confide in, and he and I moved to a new area so I don't know many people in this part of the country still. I'm the true definition of the 'lonely child,' )

I'm in the UK, and there is very little in the way of support or resources for working adults without children. I have looked for a T, but I've struggled to find one who I feel understands BPD. I saw one for a large part of last year when things were bad, but honestly, without knowing BPD, I don't know how effective it really was, given the expense.

I do a lot of the self-care stuff I know I have to - I work out, I eat well, I go out a few times a week with people, so in that respect, i'm doing the 'right' things, and a lot of the time it's okay. Not great, but okay. I think probably the long winter nights and the fact I will be facing my first Christmas without him are also bringing me down, and the contact with him has triggered all kinds of stuff for me.

I know there is no future between him and I. I know there's also little point in trying to second guess his motives and intentions. I'll figure it out. I just need my heart to catch up with my head.

[LaSuede]

Pretty amazed how well you are doing.

It's to be admired.

Of course it's hurtful with the contact. I have felt it physically how my heart runs, my head spins and I start to see the surroundig as in a tunnel and are not even able to hear my kids' questions... .

Yes, it's like there is an own logic of keeping the strains for a pwBPD, still when they have "detached" - me too have been stunned by the complication of the structure of keeping strains with me, where it's absolutely not logical... .

Me neither, does not want to throw his stuff.

And it's as if he knows that, once he said: "throw them then!" - but I can not, for several reasons such it's a waste and supressive violent - even vulgar from my POV.

I don't know, his boxes have been blocking my hallway and standing outside my door for a while. I guess I just have to pay the DHL myself, cause I don't want to see them another week.At least I have an adress to his parents.

Is there any storage you can put them, not to be seen and stop reminding you, cause probably one day you will know more exactly where he is or... ?

I guess dbt therapy, that is good for borderline personalities, could be good for a "borderline victim" too. I guess there is a Borderline center in UK, although here I am not welcome at a center of that sort, if not having borderline myself, maybe they can give a hint for therapists that knows about it in the area.

Maybe.

There are online therapists too... .have never tried any... .but here is one dbt-address at least, where they seem to have knowledge about BPD:

www.dbtpath.net/

[Jbt857]

Pretty amazed how well you are doing.

It's to be admired.

Of course it's hurtful with the contact. I have felt it physically how my heart runs, my head spins and I start to see the surroundig as in a tunnel and are not even able to hear my kids' questions... .

Yes, it's like there is an own logic of keeping the strains for a pwBPD, still when they have "detached" - me too have been stunned by the complication of the structure of keeping strains with me, where it's absolutely not logical... .

Me neither, does not want to throw his stuff.

And it's as if he knows that, once he said: "throw them then!" - but I can not, for several reasons such it's a waste and supressive violent - even vulgar from my POV.

I don't know, his boxes have been blocking my hallway and standing outside my door for a while. I guess I just have to pay the DHL myself, cause I don't want to see them another week.At least I have an adress to his parents.

Is there any storage you can put them, not to be seen and stop reminding you, cause probably one day you will know more exactly where he is or... ?

I guess dbt therapy, that is good for borderline personalities, could be good for a "borderline victim" too. I guess there is a Borderline center in UK, although here I am not welcome at a center of that sort, if not having borderline myself, maybe they can give a hint for therapists that knows about it in the area.

Maybe.

There are online therapists too... .have never tried any... .but here is one dbt-address at least, where they seem to have knowledge about BPD:

www.dbtpath.net/

LaSuede, I think it would be great for you to DHL those boxes out of your life. I know for me, the fact he still has stuff here is hindering me moving on fully. The boxes are right within my eyesight now and I just want those reminders gone.

I have emailed him and told him that he has to come and collect them or I will dispose of them. I don't know how he will react... .I guess I will have to see. Probably with anger, at a guess.

I don't think there is a Borderline centre in the UK, it doesn't seem to be something that many therapists here have much awareness of.

I am working hard with self-help books, the workshops here and the processes I have learned previously in T. I shall certainly look into the online resource you suggested too - many thanks for that!