I am a hypocrite

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am a hypocrite.  I have judged my ex BPD wife harshly for all the jobs she has lost because of her bad boundaries.  Now I have been fired.  In my deep loneliness and need to be noticed by other women, I was browsing women's profiles on adult "hook-up" web sites. I even got a little addicted to doing this... .sending little flirts etc... .  I did this on a work laptop.  My boss found out and fired me.  I feel ashamed and embarrassed.  I feel guilty for judging my ex. I am worried about money.  I am no better than she is.  I am in a dark place.  I guess the good news is, I have zero craving to ever visit those web sites again.  I pray that out of this crisis I can eke out a new life.

Fiddle

[fiddlestix]

I am a hypocrite.  I have judged my ex BPD wife harshly for all the jobs she has lost because of her bad boundaries.  Now I have been fired.  In my deep loneliness and need to be noticed by other women, I was browsing women's profiles on adult "hook-up" web sites. I even got a little addicted to doing this... .sending little flirts etc... .  I did this on a work laptop.  My boss found out and fired me.  I feel ashamed and embarrassed.  I feel guilty for judging my ex. I am worried about money.  I am no better than she is.  I am in a dark place.  I guess the good news is, I have zero craving to ever visit those web sites again.  I pray that out of this crisis I can eke out a new life.

Fiddle

[Naddred369]

Hi,

4 days after my break up with my BPDexgf I was a mess.

I went out, got drunk and drove my car.

I was arrested for drink driving and lost my licence, my good name and ALMOST lost my job.

We are under massive stress from abusive relationships and under mental and emotional anguish.

We make mistakes.we are human and fallable.

I have trashed parts of my life that she couldnt and she finds it hillarious by the way!

BUT... .

its a line in the sand, we start again, we learn.

Try and focus and get a new job asap. NO SILLY THOUGHTS!

Good luck. Stay strong.

[ShadowDancer]

Fear not my friend. You have got to get in to get out. Blessings come in all shapes, forms and sizes.

Worse things have happened to better men.

P.S. I Lost all on the reef in the marooned ship wreck of my life. I salvaged what I could and built me a canoe. A year later I'm sober, have found love returns and have a new even better life.

My father told me many years ago, "SD when life has you down, you get up in the morning and you put your boots on like any other".

[HarmKrakow]

I am a hypocrite.  I have judged my ex BPD wife harshly for all the jobs she has lost because of her bad boundaries.  Now I have been fired.  In my deep loneliness and need to be noticed by other women, I was browsing women's profiles on adult "hook-up" web sites. I even got a little addicted to doing this... .sending little flirts etc... .  I did this on a work laptop.  My boss found out and fired me.  I feel ashamed and embarrassed.  I feel guilty for judging my ex. I am worried about money.  I am no better than she is.  I am in a dark place.  I guess the good news is, I have zero craving to ever visit those web sites again.  I pray that out of this crisis I can eke out a new life.

Before I even start, is there anyone in your closest group of friends who is available right now? I'd say, RING(!), it's hitting Saturday evening today and it's better for you not to be completely alone out there.

You being fired has nada, zilch to do with your ex. You were unfortunate by doing this on your work computer. That is simply not clever, but has nothing to do with your ex, or anything around. It's a mistake, we all made them.

The fact you crave for warmth, attention, acknowledgment from others that you are wanted, all that, is ... (ring ring) NORMAL(!).

[fiddlestix]

Thanks, all.  I do have dear friend coming over.  I don't want to be alone.

Fiddle

[HarmKrakow]

Thanks, all.  I do have dear friend coming over.  I don't want to be alone.

Fiddle

Wise decision! And happy that that guy or girl is coming over!

[zordon11]

I feel your pain since I have similar problem right now. Anyway we need to stay strong because otherwise we will be totally annihilated by this person - and deep inside we all know that.

Some quotes that help me occasionally:

With no contact you are taking back your life, physically, emotionally and mentally. They attack and destroy all three parts. This is the shocking pain, it poisons the whole system. No more involvement, this is a relationship disorder. So no relationship is the answer. No moral compass, a joy in hurting the innocent. Nothing, no more, you might lose your mind

... .

Wouldn't do it.

What is there to gain? Like seriously? Are you expecting blind person to suddenly start seeing things?

This song kinda helps me at least sometimes: www.youtube.com/watch?v=wQMXBvFMmGc

take care!

[ucmeicu2]

fiddle     you will find your way thru this. 

please don't judge yourself.  and if you do, don't judge the judging!  if there is a lesson to be learned, learn it... .but don't be so hard on yourself. 

crickey, it's like the pwBPD broke us down and then when we got them out of our life, WE took over the job of continuing to kick ourselves for them.  DO NOT THIS THIS FOR HER.

“The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be the beginning.”  ~ Ivy Baker Priest

[fromheeltoheal]

BTW, going and getting laid may actually help you detach, it did me, as long as you don't make it mean something it doesn't.  Use your home computer though... .

[Ironmanrises]

I am so sorry you got fired from your job. I can only imagine the added stress of that on top of having to deal with the aftermath of BPD. Hang in there my friend.

[fiddlestix]

Thanks again everyone!  Your concern helps me.  The online "hook up" sites were just a fantasy world. I never intended to actually hook up with anyone.  In fact, I learned of the sites because my wife used them to keep up her supply of boy toys.  Maybe part of me was trying to enter her world a bit?  Oh, well;  my involvement cost me a job.  I never meant any harm. It was just a way to numb myself.

[fiddlestix]

... .and, Ironman, your writing style changed. I missed a few weeks on here.

You ok?

Fiddlestix

[Surnia]

Hi fiddlestix

Bad news, I am sorry to hear about this.

You got fired without any pre-warnings?

I agree with others, don't be to hard with yourself.