The pain of the common friends saying they are staying with the uexpwBPD

[TakingWingAtLast]

This morning at the gym, I was told by a common friend of my uexpwBPD that she was not going to maintain a friendship with me. I had called her before saying that we had broken up and that I wanted to maintain a friendship with her and that I wasn't wanting to damage her relationship with the ex.   She said at the time that she would, but apparently after talking to the ex, she changed her mind.  I figured this might happen because the ex texted me saying that "Really, D, you approached my friend?"  She reproached me for reaching out.

After hearing that she wasn't interested in maintaining a relationship, I wanted to rail and explain, but I said I understood and that she was a good friend to be loyal to the ex.  Nonetheless, it HURT.   I can only imagine the horrible things the ex said about me. 

So, now I am in danger of losing my entire community of friends.  My ex was the one who introduced me to all these people, so the isolation continues.  Not all in the community have done this, but I guess I foolishly expected to be given a fair shake.  I only have one advocate in our shared community and it's killing me to think that I won't get a chance. 

Just when I could use some support, it goes out the window.   Really makes me mad.

Anyone else having similar issues?

[maxen]

yes, i'm having almost identical issues. i maintained some old friendships from before my marriage and thank crikey i did, they've saved my life. but my wife has a wide social network, and our mutual friends and her family have cut me off. i reached out to a few of them and my w was angry that i reached out to "her" friends. i feel just as you do Dpenderg, i can imagine what's she's said about me that has justified to them her deceit and abandonment of the marriage. the isolation is the most violent aspect of it. i'm too old for this.

[havana]

I was fortunate to have common friends that stayed with me because they finally saw the behavior that my wife displayed. All of her friends think I am the devil incarnate. The closest lives 800 miles away so it is no loss. It took a long time but in the last year of her life she accused all the local friends of one thing or another.

[TakingWingAtLast]

I hear you!   This is the most isolating part of the whole ordeal.  I will have to develop a whole new community.  And that's hard work.  I think, though, that it will also help heal the wounds.   At least that's my hope.  Unfortunately, it has to wait until January because I have too many things at work to take that time at this point.  So that will make for one ugly holiday!  Part of the process it seems.

[Traumatized]

Just when I could use some support, it goes out the window.   Really makes me mad.

Anyone else having similar issues?

I also lost the mutual friends I had with my BPDx.  I contacted these people recently to apologize for anything I may have said or done that offended them.  At a minimum I wanted to clear the air and make peace with them, but I was also hoping we could become friends again.  I'm hurting badly and REALLY could use their support right now.  Both responded a day or two later (likely after checking in with my ex), and neither one of them acknowledged my apology.  They made it clear they have taken her side and want nothing to do with me. 

I am being SHUNNED by the people in my own small, fragile community!  Who knows what kind of lies my ex told them about me?  She probably told them I said things about them that I never said.  She probably told them that I was the one who did the abusing.  I know as a fact she lied to them before and said I hit her when she was the one who hit me. 

It seems as though NONE of these people have an ounce of empathy or compassion towards me.  They've all turned their backs on me and left me out in the cold.  As if I'm not in enough pain already dealing with being painted black and suddenly discarded by my ex, I have to deal with their unkind treatment of me too.  It's no win.  It's too much.

[TakingWingAtLast]

Dear Traumatized.

We are your community for now.  We listen and we guide.  And we hear and feel your pain

We got you!

D

Just when I could use some support, it goes out the window.   Really makes me mad.

Anyone else having similar issues?

I also lost the mutual friends I had with my BPDx.  I contacted these people recently to apologize for anything I may have said or done that offended them.  At a minimum I wanted to clear the air and make peace with them, but I was also hoping we could become friends again.  I'm hurting badly and REALLY could use their support right now.  Both responded a day or two later (likely after checking in with my ex), and neither one of them acknowledged my apology.  They made it clear they have taken her side and want nothing to do with me. 

I am being SHUNNED by the people in my own small, fragile community!  Who knows what kind of lies my ex told them about me?  She probably told them I said things about them that I never said.  She probably told them that I was the one who did the abusing.  I know as a fact she lied to them before and said I hit her when she was the one who hit me. 

It seems as though NONE of these people have an ounce of empathy or compassion towards me.  They've all turned their backs on me and left me out in the cold.  As if I'm not in enough pain already dealing with being painted black and suddenly discarded by my ex, I have to deal with their unkind treatment of me too.  It's no win.  It's too much.

[Nearlybroken]

I know what you are going through... .I recently found out that several  of my friends had spoken with my ex behind my back.So I lost trust in them.Mutual friends seem to have ignored what is going on and act "normally" towards him.He has tried to turn mutual friends against me by lying and has tried to befriend my friends.I know he has painted me black to his friends.And me in all of this:silent,unheard.For me the worst injustice is that everyone seems to think he is such a good guy, noone has confronted him even when I have disclosed some of his behaviour.No one has fought my corner in this.For him and everyone else life goes on as before whilst I am left trying ( and failing) to pick up the pieces.I get the feeling of having no empathy and support,I really do.

My ex was diagnosed with BPD... .I thought that would make it easier for me in some ways as I would have a "reason" for his behaviour.Yet I find the whole thing almost impossible to compute... .I cannot envisage what reason he would have to try and isolate me in such a way.

His cruely knows no bounds.NB.x

[Tessaking]

My ex makes a new group of friends almost on a yearly basis. He totally saturates himself into their lives then seemingly moves on.

The only really close friend he had was his best mate from school. After he left me, he spent almost every waking hour this guy. 6 months later the friend got in touch with me to say he had 'seen a different side to him.' And was apologetic that he had not been in touch with me. They no longer speak. We are now close friends.

I remember when we had been together for about 6 months. I asked him about his group of friends and Said... .Why do we never see them. We only ever do stuff with my friends. He simply said 'I don't need them anymore.'

I remember thinking at the time it was a strange thing to say. But I let it pass.

Now it all makes sense!

T x

[alliance]

In any break up, mutual friends are put in an awkward position.

Our friends are likely to stand by us. His/her friends are likely to stand by them. That isn't specific to BPD.

If you were absorbed into "their" community, it makes sense you will be on the outside after a break up.

Being with someone with BPD, I discovered, is like living in a bubble. When the bubble bursts, all the supporting cast goes with it.

[HarmKrakow]

To me, in part, this was only more a confirmation that it is BPD. The true issues of a pwBPD come above water when you get to close to them. Meaning, the partner is the first person to witness their madness. Friends on the first and second ring might not notice any of this. It therefore is not that strange that the so called 'friends' might dump you along side the fact your ex dumped you.

Besides, we have all witnessed that pwBPD have quite the convincing power... .i'm not surprised a lot of friend fall for that trap. We eventually fell for the same when we started to be with this person in the first place.

[TakingWingAtLast]

All too true I'm afraid, Harm Krakow.

[Ironmanrises]

Not one of the mutual friends I had with my exUBPDgf has reached out to me after she left me in round 2. Not one ___ing mutual friend. A powerful statement of further betrayal.

[Turkish]

Not one of the mutual friends I had with my exUBPDgf has reached out to me after she left me in round 2. Not one ___ing mutual friend. A powerful statement of further betrayal.

Truly, then, they were and are not your friends. To hell with those people. You can do far better than them.

[maxen]

Not one of the mutual friends I had with my exUBPDgf has reached out to me after she left me in round 2. Not one ___ing mutual friend. A powerful statement of further betrayal.

Truly, then, they were and are not your friends. To hell with those people. You can do far better than them.

that's how i feel about her family. we were in laws for 7 years, visited with each other regularly, and they instantly axed me. the day after she bolted is the last i heard from them. how am i to reconcile, not only with her, but with people like that?

[TakingWingAtLast]

I suspect our expwBPD are very adept at at isolating us away from support.  Their painting black of us is part of the syndrome I think.  Most friends don't want to deal with the b/u in the r/s, I'm afraid, choosing to go with the one they knew first.   Don't be too hard on them as it must be challenging to them to learn both sides.  Our issues with the expwBPD are undoubtedly confusing to them and they simply don't want to deal with it!  Can't say that I blame them.

As for the family of the expwBPD, that should not be a surprise whatsoever that they don't want to be in your court.   Developing BPD isn't done in isolation, it's been likely done to our pwBPD in that family.  Maxen, I suspect that the axing by the pwBPDs family may in fact be protected by the white elephant in the family dynamics.  You'll probably have to shrug this one off, I'm afraid.  Plus, remaining in contact with the family may result in recycling because you'll still have that connection with the expwBPD. 

Your thoughts?

[maxen]

i'm certain they have no idea that she has BPD. i'm certain she doesn't either. it's their clannish and arrogant mentality at work. clearly there are emotional dynamics in the family which caused my w's BPD: her father is an abdicator imo and the mother has juvenile emotional development too and has her daughter on a string. the material i've read here about mother-daughter dynamics in BPD development comports with what i've seen. however, i have never heard one of them ever admit error in regards anything. her older brother wrecked his first marriage by philandering and my w said "well, we weren't sure she was committed to the family." so there it is in a nutshell, it's about them and they're not to blame. his next gf wanted him to get sex counseling and he refused. part of her mentality is knowing that she'll never be held to real account.

two of my family tried to reach out to her, and she's the one who betrayed me. but she'd culled them all from FB,

i'm not looking for them to be in my court. i'm looking for them not to be swine.

[TakingWingAtLast]

Maxen,

I hear your bitterness.  And I fully understand it!   I keep hoping that it might turn around somehow with the friends (not the ex-in-laws).  But it will be what it will be, I'm afraid.  One common friend did say that he knew that they would prefer me over her in our tennis group if push came to shove.  So that was at least encouraging.

D

[Turkish]

i'm not looking for them to be in my court. i'm looking for them not to be swine.

Cast not your pearls before them.

[TakingWingAtLast]

Turkish,

Couldn't agree more with that notion!

D

[maxen]

i'm not looking for them to be in my court. i'm looking for them not to be swine.

Cast not your pearls before them.

[seeking balance]

It just plain hurts Dpenderg.

It is not fair, but all too common on these boards is the friend fallout... .add it to the list of grief items as you process emotionally.

I know it hurts now, but you will make other friends and you won't feel so angry and hurt always.  I have new friends now, at the holidays I miss the old ones that I lost, but I don't miss the pain or the drama... .life can be unfair and the friend loss after the breakup falls into that category for me.

Feel your anger and sadness so you can let it go.

Peace,

SB