I know I shouldn't have . . .

[damage control]

But I peeked at his email this morning.

Something felt 'off' about him falling asleep so early the past 2 days and being so distant from everyone in the house. I began to think he had upped his Xanax dose - which he does when he is stressed ... .

And ... there it was ... he had sent an email to my replacement:

" I am sorry I hurt your feelings, I understand if I never hear from you again"

4 weeks in and he is already writing these - I got my first one about 6 weeks in but it was a lot more pleading and explaining involved.

God it made me feel better ... .this is the end of Scene 1, Act 1.

Irrespective of whether she 'forgives' his transgression (he is starting the mind games) ... I now know without a doubt that it wasn't me, this is the way it will always be for him.

It wasn't me ... It wasn't me ... .It wasn't me ... .

PS: I didn't read her email, so I have no idea what he did - he has lost all rights to privacy but I still respect hers. If she is healthy, it will be over soon, if she isn't (like me), she is about to go on the ride of a lifetime, poor woman.

[Ironmanrises]

" I am sorry I hurt your feelings, I understand if I never hear from you again"

Mine actually said something so eerily similar(just add the word "so" in between "am" and "sorry" when I experienced her push/pull behavior in friendship.

[seeking balance]

It wasn't me ... It wasn't me ... .It wasn't me ... .

A good mantra to keep in mind.  We can only control ourselves, the drama that our pwBPD may create is not about us.

Take care of you  and keep moving forward. 

[Mutt]

I wish I had listened to my instincts and checked her e-mails. I asked her if it was about another man and she laughed and lied to my face. I had trusted her blindly.

I won't deny my instincts or intuition again.

[Turkish]

I wish I had listened to my instincts and checked her e-mails. I asked her if it was about another man and she laughed and lied to my face. I had trusted her blindly.

I won't deny my instincts or intuition again.

Mine still denies having a "secret" email account. I might push it out there and tell her how I know, just so she knows that I see through her pathetic attempts at deception. Doesn't work though. I did that with some other things, and she invariably breaks down, offers the equivalent of an apology like our 3 year old son would do, and then keeps doing it. No class. No order. No function.

[Mutt]

Mine still denies having a "secret" email account. I might push it out there and tell her how I know, just so she knows that I see through her pathetic attempts at deception. Doesn't work though. I did that with some other things, and she invariably breaks down, offers the equivalent of an apology like our 3 year old son would do, and then keeps doing it. No class. No order. No function.

I agree.

It's always lose/lose when I confront her. Knowing what I know now, when they are confronted with the truth, they try to suppress it.

I can tell that I'm confronting her with the truth because she'll accuse me and get angrier/louder.

If I spoke the truth to her she would try to speak over me and get louder and act out more.

If it was something in an e-mail she'll say that I'm being accusatory and talking down to her etc... .

I know what the truth is without having to look at anything. Take away the words, look at the actions.

[damage control]

Ironman ... I was thinking about these emails recently in my attempts to detach. Two things struck me then and they are re-inforced after seeing his email to my replacement:

1: The apology is not for what s/he did or said, it is for ‘hurting’ our feelings. This is a very telling distinction and it isn’t by accident.

2: In my case, the apologies were always for a relationship transgression – and I now think that they are done for a purpose (although not necessarily a conscious one):

They weed out those who will and those who will not put up with their crap, allow them the drama and (therefore) allow MORE transgressions … the hardest part of letting go from BPD’s is due to the fact that we are so enmeshed with them … allowing these transgressions gives them permission to start taking over our boundaries, our identities and our sense of reality ... inch by inch, transgression by transgression and contributes to our loss of self.

ie: These emails (or apologies) are a test … unfortunately, you and I and probably everyone here passed this test with flying colours.

By the end of 12 months, I was putting up with and agreeing to ideas and behaviours which are almost the polar opposite of who I was at the beginning.

It’s a lot to read into a rather innocuous email … but a huge tolling bell went off in my head when I saw it… a huge freaking bell.

[Mutt]

They weed out those who will and those who will not put up with their crap, allow them the drama and (therefore) allow MORE transgressions …

They want to be enabled.

By the end of 12 months, I was putting up with and agreeing to ideas and behaviours which are almost the polar opposite of who I was at the beginning.

They want to change you into a version of themselves.

[ucmeicu2]

By the end of 12 months, I was putting up with and agreeing to ideas and behaviours which are almost the polar opposite of who I was at the beginning.

They want to change you into a version of themselves.

they kinda have accomplished that, eh?  most of us were presumably functioning pretty good in life pre-BPD r/s, right?  now look at the similiarities... .

[damage control]

He came outside as soon as I got home tonight and we talked for a couple of hours ... mostly about general stuff but he told me that he has been experiencing massive rage issues and feels that all emotions bar rage and fear have been burnt away ... .I don't know whether I believe him or not, I don't know if it matters.

He alluded to some stuff with my replacement (he doesn't know that I know things have been a bit rocky there) ... .and it was interesting to listen to him describe his life - fear, anger and impotence ... and yet ... he spent three nights with my replacement this past weekend and he is still trolling dating sites (he is on there more often which means that he is feeling either smothered or in fear of abandonment).

I was completely relaxed and ok with hanging out with him ... I still feel a pull - especially sexually, but ... it's not overwhelming like it was ... he started to make arrangments for him to cook me dinner this coming Saturday - which is weird because it was 2 weeks ago that he didn't visit the replacement, her schedule must preclude every other weekend ... how perfect for his engulfment fears ... .

I am looking at this monster within me (this desire I carry) with a direct gaze tonight ... tomorrow night I have my first therapy appointment and I am going to run all of this by my psych and see what she says ...

It has been a surreal day ... .knowing that things are not going too wonderfully with the replacement has done me a lot of good - I am not sure if I am burying some hope still ... .I honestly don't know ... but I feel stronger ... (he has also had a haircut and looks very old to me now).

Sorry for the rambly post ... .I am just in a very weird place and not sure what that place is ... to be continues no doubt.

Oh ... .it crossed my mind to book a hotel room for Saturday and deliberately not run into him tomorrow (I won't as therapy is evening and I won't be home until late) and then avoid on Friday ... get up on Saturday and go spend the night in a hotel so I am not here for 'our' dinner. Wouldn't that be interesting ... .boy's got triggers? Screw him ... I am going to pull one ... .

[KE151]

Oh ... .it crossed my mind to book a hotel room for Saturday and deliberately not run into him tomorrow (I won't as therapy is evening and I won't be home until late) and then avoid on Friday ... get up on Saturday and go spend the night in a hotel so I am not here for 'our' dinner. Wouldn't that be interesting ... .boy's got triggers? Screw him ... I am going to pull one ... .

DC,

maybe the sexual pull together with the strength you're feeling... .are you afraid something may happen on Saturday, knowing his ways of trying to connect with you? Is staying away at a hotel just a way of making sure you're not gonna fall for him again?

KE

[Jbt857]

Oh ... .it crossed my mind to book a hotel room for Saturday and deliberately not run into him tomorrow (I won't as therapy is evening and I won't be home until late) and then avoid on Friday ... get up on Saturday and go spend the night in a hotel so I am not here for 'our' dinner. Wouldn't that be interesting ... .boy's got triggers? Screw him ... I am going to pull one ... .

Isn't that just another way to engage? because you know it will trigger him and continue the push/pull/gameplay between him?

I say, if you don't want the dinner, tell him you can't make it. Be clear and straight. Otherwise, its just liable to continue to engage him in some way.

You're better than that. And you have better things to spend your money on.

[Pretty Woman]

Wow. Verbatim. Here is mine. I saved it because I want something to remind me anytime I feel sad or wanting her:

"I texted you but don't know if you got it or not... .I have flu again... .But would like to see you Sunday (afternoon or evening - my place). Call me tonight if you want to talk about it - I'm hoping you'll just say yes and we can see each other."

This was after she dumped me on NY Day and told me I just wasn't ready to be in a relationship with her. She came back February 6th. Dumped me again on May 30th, came back July 7th, dumped me again this October 30th.

[damage control]

DC,

maybe the sexual pull together with the strength you're feeling... .are you afraid something may happen on Saturday, knowing his ways of trying to connect with you? Is staying away at a hotel just a way of making sure you're not gonna fall for him again?

KE

KE

I don't think anything would happen. 2 weekends ago I spent the weekend with him in his room, we slept in his bed etc ... he even wandered around naked while we were in there like he always used to, slept naked etc and he didn't try anything ... the actual REASON he dumped is/was because I triggered him by coming here (my apparent 'expectations' and he 'lost his desire' for me ... that appears to be consistent ... he has made no overtures of a sexual nature whatsoever (but, still REALLY, REALLY likes me ... ain't I just the luckiest non-girl in the whole world? ... ppffttt)

[damage control]

Isn't that just another way to engage? because you know it will trigger him and continue the push/pull/gameplay between him?

I say, if you don't want the dinner, tell him you can't make it. Be clear and straight. Otherwise, its just liable to continue to engage him in some way.

You're better than that. And you have better things to spend your money on.

As we share the same sharehouse, the contact continues irrespective. Thing is Jbt; it has been on his terms consistently (well, I have avoided him many times/days)... .I think 'Saturday' plans were a way of him teling that he isn't going to see my replacement ... however, this could be due to her scheduling as I wrote above ... .

[damage control]

Also, about the sex:

He is still claiming impotency and loss of sex drive. This could be the case as the woman he cheated on me with ... well, I knew about her so cheat is somewhat relative - did I mention my morals got completely screwed up? - she complained about the sex (impotency issues) directly to him ... he had to stop seeing her because she complained about the sex, his baldness, asked him to shave his back etc ... so ... I honestly don't think sex is on the table ... I have relegated to being intimate without anything as threatening (and he does seem to find it threatening) as sex ... besides ... apparently I am completely undesirable ... .

[bruisedbattered]

My question:  Why do you continue to live there?   You will never ever be free as you continue to live there, whereas it seems he has the best of both worlds.  He can go out, meet/greet new victims, then when things go south, come home and cry on your shoulder?

[winston72]

Hey DC... .I echo the most recent post of BruisedAndBattered. 

You seem to have a very clear view of what is happening with him and in your relationship with him.  It also seems like your focus remains strongly on him: his issues, his activity, his other woman, his trauma, his hair, his impotency, his... .you get the picture.

I think you also know that the path forward for you is to listen more to yourself, to acknowledge your own feelings and to begin to define and pursue a path that meets your needs and fulfills your life goals.  And it is not happening with this guy!

I am glad that you had that window into what is going on in the other relationship and that it affirms that it is not you... .but I hope that does not lead to just better informed analysis of him.  Please continue to think about what you learned in that revelation about you. 

[Jbt857]

I agree.

I had read your previous posts and understand you live with him and that you're pretty 'stuck'.

My point was, there's a difference between saying 'no' to dinner and not feeling the need to explain why. Just 'no' -  vs going away, making him wonder why/where, having some sign he notices you're not around... .and engaging in that.

It's kind of tit for tat. Looking for a sign he cares. Something to show you that your presence means something.

I get it. I totally understand why - you still want it to all be ok. Some bolt from the blue to make what you went through to be with him not be in vain and for him to realise what a fool he's been. That's ok too. We've all been there.

Do accept my apologies if I'm wrong and reading more into it than there is - just trying to offer a perspective! But pulling a disappearing act with no explanation is engaging, IMO.

[damage control]

@Bruised:

I am a bit stuck housing-wise because I do not know how long I will have to be in this city (this is work-dependent) and as I am working FT and in a new field, it is really difficult to find housing ... and, as I want to go back to my state and bring back my dog ... there is also money issues.

@Winston:

My focus is very much upon him ... I do realise that ... my mood is as well ... but I am TRYING ... I am open to/talking with/dating other men  ... but ... nobody has managed to grab my focus ... yet. When at work ... I am focused upon work ... which helps but I would be lying if I said that he isn't constantly in my thoughts still. I love him. But I am trying not to. Because he and I have never actually argued/fought and because we get along well ... .it makes it hard because things seem the same, even though they are not.

However, I am getting used to not seeing/hearing from him daily ... the first few weeks were really tough with that as we were in constant phone/skype contact ... at least 3-4 hours a day ... until yesterday, I hadn't seen or spoken to him in 6 days - and I was ok with that, well ... I had a tough weekend but that was because he went to stay 3 nights with my replacement ... not because 'I' wasn't seeing him.

@Jbt:

I hear what you are (all) saying ... and I understand that I am allowing the continued engagement. And, you are dead on about looking for a sign he cares - not consciously, because  ... well ... something about hell and freezing temperatures springs to mind ...

You're not wrong or reading too much or anything of that nature ... .I DO want him to realise that he was a fool ... .but I am not in any way EXPECTING him to either realise or, if he does, to do anything about it. I think. I'm not sure - I guess there is a difference between KNOWING and HOPING ... hope hasn't died ... sad but true.

[Jbt857]

Hey, Damage,

I read your story, all you gave up to be with him.

No doubt, he has left you in a crappy situation. Of course you are hoping you didn't sacrifice so much for... .Nothing. (Worse than nothing).

I was married to mine for almost 10 years. I lost my identity (he was from a different culture). Gave up a lot of who I am, endured people questioning what I was doing, moved to a new city. I'm living in a house he wanted to live in, in an area he wanted to live in, paying the mortgage on my own (also, financially stuck) and he lived here precisely 2 months before we were done.

And I still have hope. My brain knows. My head totally gets it. But as so many have said... .If he came back, genuinely hurting and apologetic and willing to work on things - even now, 8 months on... .I'd give us the chance. Again.

Insane, isn't it? Expecting different results from the same behaviour. You're human. We all are. You moved mountains to be with him. Letting go of hope is hard, when you gave so much. I know. I did the same.

But the longer you engage, the more you draw that hope out. Because he can be cool and indifferent and it's nothing to him. A day, a dinner. Whatever. But those words and choices he makes and the position they put you in... .You read more into it. It has so much more significance.

Because of that damned hope.

But playing games, looking for a reaction - it's just prolonging the inevitable. Try to step away. 

[damage control]

Jbt ... thanks for sharing your experience and wisdom.

I think there is much in what you are saying. I don't think I am trying to 'tit for tat' ... mainly because I don't have animosity ... although I have gleaned pleasure from hearing about how screwed up he feels ATM I must admit.

I am going to run some of this stuff by my new therapist tonight ... I will share any insights she happens to have ... for try as I might, I can't identify my emotions, I know when I feel good (which I do), but I don't understand why ... or what that means (this is ongoing issue for me and why my boundaries are often transgressed - I don't know what they are/can't articulate WHY or for what reason I am 'feeling' a certain way ... ) ... if that makes sense ...

Thanks

[damage control]

Not sure how I am feeling about everything post-therapy. For the last 2 days, I have been in a fairly good mood - This is because

1: I found out that he is screwing things up/behaving/writing the same things to my replacement already ... that helped soo much

2: He told me that he feels dead inside; is nothing but rage and fear ... this also helped - because I WANT him not be 'in love/lust' with my replacement ... yes, childish I know.

3: I hit a milestone in my training at work

4: I managed to sit and talk to him for 2 hours (the chat about being dead inside) like a 'friend' and it didn't bother me - I felt empowered.

However ... .when I walked into see my T, I promptly burst into tears and all the longing I must have been repressing (TRYING so, so hard to detach) came bubbling up to the surface.

I am still in love with this man ... I hate that. I am ashamed of that (consciously I know that it's normal/natural, that feelings don't just get switched off - well, not for us nons anyhow) but, the feeling/s of shame come from a much more buried, darker place ... .my conscious, adult mind seems to have little, if any influence over them.

I got home after 9pm last night so he was well and truly asleep and I didn't have to see him ... that helped.

This morning, I am a walking contradiction: I want him out of my life, I want him to hug me and tell me it has all been a terrible mistake and he wants me back. I want to poison his food, but I also want to feel his touch, at least one last time.

My T assured me that his behaviour and actions are indeed those of a personality disordered individual ... and after hearing about some of my background/childhood, assured me that my feelings of abandonment and confusion are completely understandable.

Today, I feel like there is no clear trajectory for my life. I am a balloon without a string. I matter to nobody really. It doesn't matter to anybody where I live or what I work as or if I am happy/sad. I feel like he took and holds the very last part of 'me', played with it and forgot to return it. I am literally nothing.

I don't know what 'healing' means. I don't know what to heal for or what it should look like when I arrive ... .one step after the other has no meaning for me ... it's just what will happen if I keep doing what I am doing ... .

[bruisedbattered]

I dont know you, but it does matter to me, and probably most on this site that you are unhappy, and continue to live with him... .   If you need 1 goal to focus on, let it be moving asap.  Nothing will change for the better as long as you stay in that environment.  good luck. 

[damage control]

Thanks B+B

This place helps a lot ... .I would be climbing the walls without it.

Moving ... everyone tells me to move but it seems so overwhelming to even consider it ... that isn't all about him, it's logistics: time, money, the sheer volume of share-houses and trying to sort out what is close to work, train etc... .and finding out how long I will be in this city, figuring out if I want to stay or go back home ... .

Yes, a part is that it will be a big step in not being in his life ... and as he is the only person I really know here, yes, that scares me ... I don't think that is my sole reason for resisting however... I just get completely overwhelmed when I even think about moving ... .just getting myself to work every day, not falling apart at work and trying with everything I have to switch off/process those overwhelming feelings ... that is taking every ounce of everything I have.

First, i want my dog. If I can get the money together to fly home and get her ... .I think I will feel more 'me' ... .there is no anchor here ... .I'm afraid I will simply 'vanish' if I continue like this.