A Thanksgiving text gone bad

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I spent Thanksgiving alone today.  I was in my apartment texting a long list of people to wish them a Happy Thanksgiving and I got so carried away that I texted my ex too!  It was just a short, simple, friendly text.  Harmless I thought.

WRONG!

A short time later she responded with a long, vicious text telling me she never wants to talk to me ever again, that I'm psychotic, devious, a compulsive liar, a maniacal bhit and that she's the one who has been victimized by me.  She told me she has started her smear campaign back up on the internet against me.  She has, "done her good deed," by warning others in our small community to protect themselves from me so they won't become victimized either.  I was hoping that she would have calmed down enough to be civil and that I could make peace with her, but that wasn't the case.  I am on the wrong side of her wrath that's for sure!  It's unsettling to say the least.

I've been missing her so badly, crying my eyes out over her day after day after day.  I've been crushed.  :)evastated.  Barely able to function.  Pining desperately for her return hoping we can work things out and go back to loving and supporting one another.

Well there's one thing she left off her list about me:  DELUSIONAL!  Many of you on this site have NOT received the closure you so desire with your ex.  Me, I've received it in bucketfuls splashed all over me again and again.  I'm still shocked and in too much denial even two months later to believe that it's truly over.  It's so hard for me to accept that the best friend I've ever had in my 44 years of life on this planet, my BFF, my "soul mate," is vindictive and filled with extreme bitterness and hatred towards me.  Even though I've learned a lot about BPD in the past few months and know this is nothing out of the ordinary, I still can't believe this has happened to me!

I don't know if this will now make it easier for me to "let go" and "detach" but I do know one thing:  IT HURTS!  THE EMOTIONAL PAIN IS EXCRUCIATING TO ME!  THERE SEEMS LIKE NO WAY OUT OF THIS HELL!

[Traumatized]

I spent Thanksgiving alone today.  I was in my apartment texting a long list of people to wish them a Happy Thanksgiving and I got so carried away that I texted my ex too!  It was just a short, simple, friendly text.  Harmless I thought.

WRONG!

A short time later she responded with a long, vicious text telling me she never wants to talk to me ever again, that I'm psychotic, devious, a compulsive liar, a maniacal bhit and that she's the one who has been victimized by me.  She told me she has started her smear campaign back up on the internet against me.  She has, "done her good deed," by warning others in our small community to protect themselves from me so they won't become victimized either.  I was hoping that she would have calmed down enough to be civil and that I could make peace with her, but that wasn't the case.  I am on the wrong side of her wrath that's for sure!  It's unsettling to say the least.

I've been missing her so badly, crying my eyes out over her day after day after day.  I've been crushed.  :)evastated.  Barely able to function.  Pining desperately for her return hoping we can work things out and go back to loving and supporting one another.

Well there's one thing she left off her list about me:  DELUSIONAL!  Many of you on this site have NOT received the closure you so desire with your ex.  Me, I've received it in bucketfuls splashed all over me again and again.  I'm still shocked and in too much denial even two months later to believe that it's truly over.  It's so hard for me to accept that the best friend I've ever had in my 44 years of life on this planet, my BFF, my "soul mate," is vindictive and filled with extreme bitterness and hatred towards me.  Even though I've learned a lot about BPD in the past few months and know this is nothing out of the ordinary, I still can't believe this has happened to me!

I don't know if this will now make it easier for me to "let go" and "detach" but I do know one thing:  IT HURTS!  THE EMOTIONAL PAIN IS EXCRUCIATING TO ME!  THERE SEEMS LIKE NO WAY OUT OF THIS HELL!

[living in the past]

I wish they had bandaids for this hurt, i feel for you,not having a good day but will see the sun rise

.

[fromheeltoheal]

IT HURTS!  THE EMOTIONAL PAIN IS EXCRUCIATING TO ME!  THERE SEEMS LIKE NO WAY OUT OF THIS HELL!

I'm sorry you're feeling that, we've all been there, and there is a way out.  Use the pain to motivate yourself.  The first step is to stop the bleeding by having nothing to do with her, pretty sure you agree with that one, next realize you were in a relationship with someone with a serious mental illness, next use the pain to dig deep, discover your part in what went down, and use it to heal and grow.  Growth and change are hard, and pain can be a great motivator to get us to places we may not have gotten to otherwise.  Just think how awesome your next relationship is going to be once you take the new, revised you into the world!

I know it's difficult and I know it hurts.  Use it.  And take care of you.

[redkong]

Traumatized, I'm so sorry to hear that you had this experience today and that you're in such pain.  Losing someone you love is never easy.  It sounds like you are pining for "the good times" you had with your ex.  I'm not familiar with your story, but I assume if your ex has BPD, there were hard times too.  One thing that helped me was to make a list of what I didn't like or appreciate in the relationship - things I did not miss and never wanted to experience again.  I don't mean this to focus on the negative, but rather to provide a counterbalance of reality.

Also, what are some things you can do that are self-soothing?  For some people it's taking a long bath or listening to certain music, spending time with friends or in nature, exercising, watching a comedy that makes you laugh out loud, time with pets, etc.  Try to find some things you can do that are positive and get you out of our head for a bit.  It's easy to get stuck in our thoughts when things are so painful.

 to you.

[AliveButBeatup]

A tough day and a tough time of the year to be alone. It has been about 3 months since I have lived with my BPD wife.  There are some things I miss. There are more things I don't miss.  Last year's holidays were DREADFUL with her. I didn't think it was possible for a Christmas tree to be put up with love and care and then be torn down, not once, but twice by a crazy person, Or Miss Nutty Pants as one friend has named her.

As each day passes, you will feel better and better. I still mourn the loss of the relationship. However, there are so many emotionally stable people out in the world there is no reason to be stuck with a project.

ABB

[Traumatized]

I wish they had bandaids for this hurt.

Me too.  Maybe one of those Flintstones band aids that could completely encapsulate my emotions.

[momtara]

Awww, I was largely alone today.  Getting a message like that is no way to celebrate a holiday!  She is obviously very sick.  It is a shame, because you have lost someone who (when on a good day) was your soulmate, etc., etc.  You are allowed to have mixed feelings.  If she really has an internet campaign against you, that's harassment.  But anyway, hang in there.  Here's a ((hug)).  It does get better.  There are lots of alone people waiting to meet you.

[Traumatized]

IT HURTS!  THE EMOTIONAL PAIN IS EXCRUCIATING TO ME!  THERE SEEMS LIKE NO WAY OUT OF THIS HELL!

I'm sorry you're feeling that, we've all been there, and there is a way out.  Use the pain to motivate yourself.  The first step is to stop the bleeding by having nothing to do with her, pretty sure you agree with that one, next realize you were in a relationship with someone with a serious mental illness, next use the pain to dig deep, discover your part in what went down, and use it to heal and grow.  Growth and change are hard, and pain can be a great motivator to get us to places we may not have gotten to otherwise.  Just think how awesome your next relationship is going to be once you take the new, revised you into the world!

I know it's difficult and I know it hurts.  Use it.  And take care of you.

Have nothing to do with her - check!

Realize I was with someone who had a serious mental illness - check!  I knew that right from the start.

Use the pain to dig deep down - Trying, but not there yet.  So far I've dug a couple of inches and stopped.  I'm standing around staring into space with a blank look on my face still lost in the trauma.

Discover your part in what went down - check!  I know the mistakes I made and have owned up to them even though she says I didn't.  I wish I had a time machine to go back and fix all the mistakes I made, because there was a lot of them.  Since I don't have a time machine, all I can do is learn from them, and in the meantime I will continue to ruminate about them over and over until my brain sorts them out and puts them into place.

Think how awesome my next relationship will be - No where near that point.  Can't even imagine that right now.

[Traumatized]

Traumatized, I'm so sorry to hear that you had this experience today and that you're in such pain.  Losing someone you love is never easy.  It sounds like you are pining for "the good times" you had with your ex.  I'm not familiar with your story, but I assume if your ex has BPD, there were hard times too.  One thing that helped me was to make a list of what I didn't like or appreciate in the relationship - things I did not miss and never wanted to experience again.  I don't mean this to focus on the negative, but rather to provide a counterbalance of reality.

Also, what are some things you can do that are self-soothing?  For some people it's taking a long bath or listening to certain music, spending time with friends or in nature, exercising, watching a comedy that makes you laugh out loud, time with pets, etc.  Try to find some things you can do that are positive and get you out of our head for a bit.  It's easy to get stuck in our thoughts when things are so painful.

 to you.

Yes, all I think about were the good times.  There were MANY bad times... .and by bad I mean SERIOUSLY, DANGEROUSLY bad.  I have made those lists of the bad times as you suggested, looked them over many times, shook my head in disgust, and then went right back to focusing on the good times. 

My ex is a 100% certified and diagnosed BPD.  She has this illness to the extreme.

As far as self soothing goes, I've done all those things you've suggested.  They help for the moment, but ultimately don't solve my pain and I have to keep doing them over and over.  I listen to music all the time.  That's the number one thing that I do.

[Traumatized]

Awww, I was largely alone today.  Getting a message like that is no way to celebrate a holiday!  She is obviously very sick.  It is a shame, because you have lost someone who (when on a good day) was your soulmate, etc., etc.  You are allowed to have mixed feelings.  If she really has an internet campaign against you, that's harassment.  But anyway, hang in there.  Here's a ((hug)).  It does get better.  There are lots of alone people waiting to meet you.

Yes that's harassment.  I've already filed one police report for harassment against her and could have easily filed a few more, but didn't have the heart to have her arrested, plus I didn't want to instigate her further.  I also have photo evidence of the wounds she gave me when she physically abused me.  She is more likely to have me arrested on harassment charges or file a restraining order against me then I would ever do those things to her.

[Traumatized]

A tough day and a tough time of the year to be alone. It has been about 3 months since I have lived with my BPD wife.  There are some things I miss. There are more things I don't miss.  Last year's holidays were DREADFUL with her. I didn't think it was possible for a Christmas tree to be put up with love and care and then be torn down, not once, but twice by a crazy person, Or Miss Nutty Pants as one friend has named her.

As each day passes, you will feel better and better. I still mourn the loss of the relationship. However, there are so many emotionally stable people out in the world there is no reason to be stuck with a project.

ABB

Putting a Christmas tree up with love and then tearing it down only to put it back up with love sounds kind of funny to me, though I imagine it was no fun to deal with at the time.  On a more minor scale, mine would get angry and throw my tooth brush away and then a day or two later when she calmed down, she'd have to go out and buy me a new one.  That happened on a regular basis.  It sounds funny to me now... .but at the time I was like hey, What the heck, what happened to my toothbrush?

[AliveButBeatup]

A tough day and a tough time of the year to be alone. It has been about 3 months since I have lived with my BPD wife.  There are some things I miss. There are more things I don't miss.  Last year's holidays were DREADFUL with her. I didn't think it was possible for a Christmas tree to be put up with love and care and then be torn down, not once, but twice by a crazy person, Or Miss Nutty Pants as one friend has named her.

As each day passes, you will feel better and better. I still mourn the loss of the relationship. However, there are so many emotionally stable people out in the world there is no reason to be stuck with a project.

ABB

Putting a Christmas tree up with love and then tearing it down only to put it back up with love sounds kind of funny to me, though I imagine it was no fun to deal with at the time.  On a more minor scale, mine would get angry and throw my tooth brush away and then a day or two later when she calmed down, she'd have to go out and buy me a new one.  That happened on a regular basis.  It sounds funny to me now... .but at the time I was like hey, What the heck, what happened to my toothbrush?

Toothbrushes being thrown away. I did not experience that.  Many, many other experiences.  I am ending the evening with a smile on my face thinking about the craziness I endured.  I feel like I have climbed the peak of the mountain and now am on the other side seeing beautiful lush lands of green down below. Life is getting good again.

[fromheeltoheal]

I will continue to ruminate about them over and over until my brain sorts them out and puts them into place.

Think how awesome my next relationship will be - No where near that point.  Can't even imagine that right now.

Yes, we need to play things over and over in our heads to sort them out, make sense of them and make some peace, totally healthy unless we get stuck there.  It takes what it takes; it took me as long as the relationship lasted to get my feet on the ground.

It can be difficult to imagine yourself in another relationship this early, inappropriate even, but the important thing is to also focus on the future as you ruminate.  There are lots of lessons to be found in the past, but also focusing on the future, on purpose, a bright future without her in it, can help you not get stuck and detach. Take care of you!

[Traumatized]

It takes what it takes; it took me as long as the relationship lasted to get my feet on the ground.

That just jogged my memory about something.  15 years ago I had a 2 year on again, off again relationship with someone with BPD and it took me 2 years to get over it.  The relationship was nowhere near as close or intense as my most previous one, but it still took that amount of time before I stopped ruminating and could truly let go how of that person.  I no longer miss that person at all.  Although I care and wonder about what happened to her, I would never want her to be a part of my life ever again and I can clearly see how she just used me and took advantage of me.

Is she still even alive?  God only knows.

I also wrote a ton of poems about her, which I saved, and recently re-read.  I was amazed at how EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM related directly to my most recent BPDx and could have been written about her specifically.

History has repeated itself.  I think this time I am finally going to learn from my mistakes.  Better late then never I guess.

[santa]

You knew who you were sending the text to and what would likely result from it.

These BPD people prey on weakness. You basically showed them you're soft by letting Thanksgiving influence you or be your excuse to reach out to them.

Show more resolve at Christmas. They're expecting you to be emotional on the holiday and to make yourself vulnerable to them. Put extra effort into not doing that. Don't show weakness. They just use it against you.

[Traumatized]

You knew who you were sending the text to and what would likely result from it.

These BPD people prey on weakness. You basically showed them you're soft by letting Thanksgiving influence you or be your excuse to reach out to them.

Show more resolve at Christmas. They're expecting you to be emotional on the holiday and to make yourself vulnerable to them. Put extra effort into not doing that. Don't show weakness. They just use it against you.

I did use Thanksgiving as an excuse to contact her, but I also used that same excuse to contact a lot of other people who I hadn't heard from in awhile.  With most of those people I'm glad I did. 

I knew the odds were high I was going to get my head ripped off by her again, but I took the chance anyway.  I am not someone who is truly ready to be no contact.  I got dumped cold, hard and abruptly and am still reeling from the shock of it all.  She was my primary in person support system and I miss all the good things she had to offer.

I was HOPING contact with her would result in something more positive.  That it would open the door to reconciliation.  That didn't happen.  I was so nervous before I sent the text that I took one of my prescription anti-anxiety meds to calm down.

I did show her that I'm weak and vulnerable, but she already knew that anyway.  That's how she was able to abuse me verbally, socially and physically for roughly 15 months.  If I were strong I would have told her to F**k off right from the beginning.  The only edge I ever had over her was on the morning she broke up with me.  I suggested we delete each others phone numbers and I think that took her by surprise.  Two weeks later when I broke down and texted her that advantage was destroyed.

[momtara]

Don't beat yourself up over it.  How the heck can anyone know the right thing to do with someone whose emotions make no sense?  Maybe you are lucky, though - if she was physically abusive, things could have gotten really bad with police involved.