I don't know what's wrong with me

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Happy Thanksgiving!

I just got in from a nice dinner with my family and all of a sudden I'm feeling a bit down.  Lately I've noticed that if I don't have something to look forward to (like a fun dinner with family or going on some sort of outing either with other people or by myself), I'm really bummed out.

It's like I can't slow down and I'm always thinking about what I'm going to do next.  And then there's the whole Instagram thing.  I went on hiatus from Instagram a couple of months ago because I noticed that I was taking things too personally, like when people unfollowed me I'd get upset.  What sent me over the edge and made me delete my account altogether was when my ex boyfriend (not my BPD ex, another one) unfollowed me.  I figured "Screw this.  If I delete Instagram, I won't have to worry about getting worked up because no one can follow or unfollow me anymore." 

While I was taking a break from Instagram, I felt somewhat better.  I wasn't comparing myself to people as much as I had been before.  Granted I still did it, it didn't cause me to lash out or get as upset as it did before.  Anyway, for some odd reason I decided to create a new account the other day.  So far it's going well, but tonight I got a little irritated and started making comparisons again.  I feel so jealous and petty.  I get upset when my friends talk to people I've introduced them to.  Like my neighbor.  She's gorgeous and sweet.  She has been a family friend for a while.  I introduced her to some of my friends on my birthday and now they talk to her on Instagram.  It makes me so angry for some reason.  I feel like a possessive psycho.  I think things like "Oh, you can like her picture but couldn't like mine?"  or "You can talk to her on Instagram but you can't respond to my text message?"  What is this need to be the number one person in everyone's life?  I actually told my neighbor about how I felt.  I didn't come out and say "I'm jealous of you," but I did tell her that I get upset when I notice that one of my friends (We'll call her Ash) talks to her on Instagram but won't even text me back sometimes.  She said she doesn't like that and if that’s the case, she isn't my real friend.   

Turns out I'm not as confident as I thought I was.  I swear, it's like I overcome one obstacle and then another one pops up like one of those pesky whack-a-moles.  I slowly move past the situation with my ex and here I am dealing with the issues that I had begun to deal with before things went sour with him.  It's like I really am picking up where I left off. 

Ugh. This is going to make my post even longer but I don't want to leave this out.

I've been doing things that are just downright rude.  Last night my friend (Ash) texted me and told me she's home for the holidays.  She asked if I was working and I said "No, I'm broke though.  Blah."  Then she said she wanted to stop by and visit.  I apologized for being rude and told her that she could come over later on if she still wanted to.  I assumed that she wanted to go out since she asked if I was working, and I shouldn't have done that.  She said "Not going to lie, I was thinking 'Wow.  Okay.' when I read your response.  It's fine though."  We talked for a bit more and then the conversation died down.  I was up at around 4 in the morning and felt bad, so I texted her and apologized again, and told her that I'm sorry for being rude and that I would love to see her before she leaves.  She said she understands.  She said she expected that behavior because she hasn't been talking to me or our other friends as much as she used to.  I started to just spill it all and tell her "Yeah, you haven't, and half of the time you don't even respond to my texts which is why I deleted your number."  I deleted it though and told her that I understand.  We're college students and she has a lot on her plate.  I wish I had been honest (not quite that honest though) and told her that I noticed she hasn't been talking to us much either, but I usually like to avoid confrontation.  I'm such a coward.

What the heck is the matter with me?

My apologies for ranting.  I guess I needed to get this off of my chest.

[Sango216]

Happy Thanksgiving!

I just got in from a nice dinner with my family and all of a sudden I'm feeling a bit down.  Lately I've noticed that if I don't have something to look forward to (like a fun dinner with family or going on some sort of outing either with other people or by myself), I'm really bummed out.

It's like I can't slow down and I'm always thinking about what I'm going to do next.  And then there's the whole Instagram thing.  I went on hiatus from Instagram a couple of months ago because I noticed that I was taking things too personally, like when people unfollowed me I'd get upset.  What sent me over the edge and made me delete my account altogether was when my ex boyfriend (not my BPD ex, another one) unfollowed me.  I figured "Screw this.  If I delete Instagram, I won't have to worry about getting worked up because no one can follow or unfollow me anymore." 

While I was taking a break from Instagram, I felt somewhat better.  I wasn't comparing myself to people as much as I had been before.  Granted I still did it, it didn't cause me to lash out or get as upset as it did before.  Anyway, for some odd reason I decided to create a new account the other day.  So far it's going well, but tonight I got a little irritated and started making comparisons again.  I feel so jealous and petty.  I get upset when my friends talk to people I've introduced them to.  Like my neighbor.  She's gorgeous and sweet.  She has been a family friend for a while.  I introduced her to some of my friends on my birthday and now they talk to her on Instagram.  It makes me so angry for some reason.  I feel like a possessive psycho.  I think things like "Oh, you can like her picture but couldn't like mine?"  or "You can talk to her on Instagram but you can't respond to my text message?"  What is this need to be the number one person in everyone's life?  I actually told my neighbor about how I felt.  I didn't come out and say "I'm jealous of you," but I did tell her that I get upset when I notice that one of my friends (We'll call her Ash) talks to her on Instagram but won't even text me back sometimes.  She said she doesn't like that and if that’s the case, she isn't my real friend.   

Turns out I'm not as confident as I thought I was.  I swear, it's like I overcome one obstacle and then another one pops up like one of those pesky whack-a-moles.  I slowly move past the situation with my ex and here I am dealing with the issues that I had begun to deal with before things went sour with him.  It's like I really am picking up where I left off. 

Ugh. This is going to make my post even longer but I don't want to leave this out.

I've been doing things that are just downright rude.  Last night my friend (Ash) texted me and told me she's home for the holidays.  She asked if I was working and I said "No, I'm broke though.  Blah."  Then she said she wanted to stop by and visit.  I apologized for being rude and told her that she could come over later on if she still wanted to.  I assumed that she wanted to go out since she asked if I was working, and I shouldn't have done that.  She said "Not going to lie, I was thinking 'Wow.  Okay.' when I read your response.  It's fine though."  We talked for a bit more and then the conversation died down.  I was up at around 4 in the morning and felt bad, so I texted her and apologized again, and told her that I'm sorry for being rude and that I would love to see her before she leaves.  She said she understands.  She said she expected that behavior because she hasn't been talking to me or our other friends as much as she used to.  I started to just spill it all and tell her "Yeah, you haven't, and half of the time you don't even respond to my texts which is why I deleted your number."  I deleted it though and told her that I understand.  We're college students and she has a lot on her plate.  I wish I had been honest (not quite that honest though) and told her that I noticed she hasn't been talking to us much either, but I usually like to avoid confrontation.  I'm such a coward.

What the heck is the matter with me?

My apologies for ranting.  I guess I needed to get this off of my chest.

[momtara]

Eh, you sound normal, a little scared, a little insecure, like most of us.  

We want at least one steady companion in our lives, someone who puts us first.  Without that, it's hard.  Friends are fine, community is fine, but it's hard to be alone.

[Sango216]

Hi momtara!

Really?  I feel like an absolute train wreck.  Thanks for that though.  It's nice to know I'm not the only one who feels like this.

[alliance]

I can kind of relate to this. After being with a BPD, I find I am hyper vigilant about stuff.

Not having grown up with technology influenced relationships, I find it difficult to decipher the meaning(s), if any, behind technological actions or non actions.

[Sango216]

Alliance:

So do you stay away from social networking altogether (Facebook,  Twitter, IG)?  I actually deleted my IG account last night.  I feel better, although I'm not sure if I should've stuck it out and tested myself.  While it feels good to have escaped that pressure of constantly comparing myself to others via social networking, it sort of feels like I am running away from the problem.

[ucmeicu2]

Alliance:

So do you stay away from social networking altogether (Facebook,  Twitter, IG)?  I actually deleted my IG account last night.  I feel better, although I'm not sure if I should've stuck it out and tested myself.  While it feels good to have escaped that pressure of constantly comparing myself to others via social networking, it sort of feels like I am running away from the problem.

running away?  sango, if an alcoholic removed alcohol and active alcoholics from their immediate vicinity/life, would you say they were running away? they should keep access to the thing they're addicted to... .for what? to prove they're tough?

nah, i see it as self-preservation.  you're in a precarious place right now... .you do what you have to do, when you need to do it, to keep your eye on the prize:  detachment.

you can do this and we're here to support you.

icu2

[Sango216]

icu2:

That's very true.  I took such a long break from social networking before that it didn't feel right when I gave it another go.  It's not something I need right now.  Thank you!