Push and pull confusion

[Aussieguy]

I am trying to maintain a friendship with a close male friend who displays numerous BPD traits that I have described in an earlier post.

Looking back I can now identify push/pull cycles in his interactions with myself and others. The thing that is confusing to me is that during the push cycle the text messages definitely drop off dramatically - to date I have just let that be the case and not initiated contact... .more often than not I will get a message within a day or two. However, this last cycle has me confused... .There was a definite push after he sought validation of how good friends we were... .I also know a large number of his other friends and they were certainly also pushed - however, during this cycle, he started messaging me again a lot earlier than the other friends and made the effort to catch up with me when there was no expectation of it. During the time we were together it was clear that he was preoccupied and in an altered emotional state - albeit controlled (for outward appearances). Yet he stuck it out.

I have been using the validation approach that I've learned about here - and also restating my moral code (conversationally) rather than in boundary form (as he has not crossed the line lately)... .is it fair to think that this is having some effect - or am I just being naive?

Thanks for your thoughts.

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[123Phoebe]

I have been using the validation approach that I've learned about here - and also restating my moral code (conversationally) rather than in boundary form (as he has not crossed the line lately)... .is it fair to think that this is having some effect - or am I just being naive?

Thanks for your thoughts.

Hey Aussieguy!

I think it's fair to think this is having some effect.  Validation works wonders   The truer we are to ourselves, living up to our own moral code, the more others learn to trust us.  When we're aware of our own boundaries and trust ourselves to enforce them, we come across as more confident.  

Perhaps your friend is started to get a better idea of what you're made of

Just a few of my thoughts... .

[Aussieguy]

Thanks. Harder than it looks though. I am beginning to appreciate the effort and commitment that so many of the people at this site (and those yet to find it) have for their friends/partners.

[BelievenHope]

I also think it is fair to say your efforts to validate and show him you are there through thick and thin will have some effect. I have seen my BPDbf dysregulate and hate all his friends for a time. The friends that make the effort to be there for him and to be accepting of him for who he is hold a higher place with him. Those are the friends that he contacts first when he is done dysregulating. It is so important for us to learn how to really listen. I never realized before I started coming to this board how many things I did that were invalidating that I thought were fine. For instance telling someone who is in crisis "oh things are going to be just fine". Now statements like that make me shudder. Keep learning and being there for your friend 

[Aussieguy]

Thanks. Yes - I agree about statements taking on another meaning now. Last night he said something that was pretty 'out there' and my initial thought was to say 'that was a stupid thing to do' - and it was almost like he was waiting for that to be the case - when I validated his feelings at that time - and then went on with the conversation, he commented that other people had thought he was silly - then opened up about some other things. So yesterday was a good day - let's see what happens next! Thanks again

[waverider]

Every change we make has an effect, some immediate, some long term and some are subconscious. The things you learn here have been shown to have a past history of success. Though that success is not always 100%, but it better than having no direction.

Most important is they tend to affect YOU in a more positive way and clarify your outlook in what is going on. That way regardless of whether a RS, or friendship, survives a lot of your "whys" and "what ifs" will be answered, and not just left to unresolved resentful after thoughts which make it hard to move on.

We can only do our best to create a growth environment, we cannot make anyone else grow.