How many of us are introverts? How does this factor in to the grief and loss?

[DownandOut]

I am somewhat of an introvert... .I do a lot of extroverted things and was an extrovert till I was about 7 yrs old. I think BPD is an attachment disorder... and that many of us are insecurely attached. One of the things that happens is that we fear being close to people, because we have been hurt and disappointed so many times in our FOO. We keep people at arms length, and avoid genuine intimacy. A pwBPD comes along, ignores the boundaries that keep others away... and they get close to us. They seem nice, in fact it seems like unconditional love, the one thing someone that didn't have a secure attachment most wants... .and we respond by elevating the person to a position of being in a primary r/s with us. Then the pwBPD turns hater and instead of questioning it, we respond like a young dependent child... we take abuse, internalize it, believe it was all something we did... try harder to please them.

We start from a position of loneliness and isolation... .but often have FOO around, have school, have activities, people we grew up with and that are sort of close acquaintances.  The breakup with a pwBPD... pulls all the scabs off those early wounds... we feel isolated, alone, hurt, betrayed and much of it seems out of proportion to what the pwBPD deserved... .and it doesn't make sense rationally. Feeling wise... .we accepted them as the great parent we didn't have... .then they abused or abandoned us... and we feel shattered. I believe this is much of the dynamic behind the pain of the breakup.

If we entered the r/s feeling okay... we can come out of it very depressed, not sure of what we want, and with most the symptoms of codependency. I know I had no dreams/goals/hopes or motivation. Had been married over 22 years... my exBPDgf found me on FB... and we ended up dating again... and I got a divorce. Realizing what I gave up for a toxic r/s with a disordered woman hurts... and I have been seeing a T for PTSD from the r/s... .as my pwBPD was pretty horrible.

Introverts are usually more cerebral than most people... as in live in their head rather than the real world, are more prone to flights of fancy and being book smart. If you don't interact with people much, you don't get much feedback... as i said I do extroverted things... but am at heart an introvert. My meyer-briggs type is INTJ... which is introverted... and also known as mastermind type. Spend a lot of time thinking and figuring things out and trying to understand "why"... so the BPD r/s... really made me think. Many of my illusions were shattered by the r/s... as I found that things I knew and believed... were not based in reality... .but were ego related defense mechanisms. I believed my pwBPD was my soul mate and the person I was supposed to be with and my life would be blessed if we were together... .and we were not due to my failings. Reality taught me; My dream girl was a bad dream... nightmare really. I made much of my own reality and should have gotten  it fact checked far more often. People we care about matter... very little else really does... stuff doesn't, prestigious stuff REALLY doesn't, and people that are genuine are the only ones I want in my life, the other kind... are a waste of time.

We need to be genuine, meet people... be vulnerable enough to learn to get close to people. Most of the hole that we thought the BPD r/s could fill, is the hole where closeness with people goes... .it doesn't have to be someone we are sleeping with... we need close friends, and family (if they are not the problem)... that is much of being happy.

I am sure there are different kinds of introverts... but the ones I worry about are the ones that escape feeling/living real life by chasing diversions and false dreams. About anything can be used to rationalize not meeting people, not having fun, not living life. Very few healthy people will ignore your boundaries and get close to you... .but pwBPD will... .and it hasn't gone well for me. Some of the blame is my pwBPD's... .some of it could go to my FOO, but since I have largely been on my own 3/4 of my life... .I am the one that needs to change it.

This was an amazing post and sums up how I feel exactly. Thank you!

[HazelJade]

INFJ here. I found this thread very interesting, I can relate very much to what all of you said.

My ex has been the first Introverted person I had a relationship with. It felt so natural being with him, it was like coming back home, so the loss of this has been a big part of my pain, I guess.

I'm also working from home and in the most difficult times of my break up I found the combination of sudden emotional loneliness + inability to focus on work + loss of creativity extremely dreadful and scary. Also, it felt like kind of humiliating, as I've always been proud of my independence. 

All this pain forced me to re-evaluate the friendships that I had; I realized I have an extremely strong need to build my life on something solid for once, so I eventually realized that keeping relationships alive with extremely extroverted people was making me feel even more lonely and "un-safe".

My therapist told me something important; we, as Introverted, have to find "our people". We may have fewer interactions and friends, but the relationships we can create are generally much deeper and more meaningful than what the rest of the world has... .This gives me hope, and relief.

with blessing, for all you other Introverts out there

[HostNoMore]

I am a very strong extrovert who tests ENTP which the double edged of Myers-Brigg.  People freak out on my ability to walk up to total strangers and begin conversations out of the blue. I've made a lot of friends over the years by being like this.  Anything that can increase my network is a good thing as far as I'm concerned.

My exBPD used to berate me for this as she is quite introverted by her nature and was hell bent on controlling me to the nth degree.  I will say my BPD experience has made me much more aware of PDs in general, and I will tuck tail and run as soon as I make a potential PD.

I think introverts may be more inclined to keep the grieving to themselves as they are not given to interface with other people or are just not comfortable with it.  I do not think there is anything wrong with being one or the other just as long as you are being true to yourself.

I am an extrovert who does treasure his alone time though. The clinging behavior of my exBPD used to cause me all kinds of stress as I was missing out on interfacing with other people and really out of balance. Extroverts are also definitely less like to sit at home pining for one's exBPD.  I made a whole new set of friends after my BPD relationship ended which really helped me to recover much more rapidly.  However, I only shared my BPD experience with only a very small set of trusted friends and family.