When you realize you made the RIGHT decision

[Johnny Alias]

WOW.  So.  Things got nutso last week.  On Wednesday I received a message from a friend of my exBPH/HPD.  Apparently her new guy had read a harmless facebook message from her to another man.  HE LOST IT.  Threw all her clothes on the lawn and told her to get out... .day after her birthday. 

Me being the white knight wrote her and said if she is up the creek that she could stay at my house for a while.  I told her the abuse is going to get worse as he is a bona fide narcissist and has an incredibly bad reputation for infidelity and aggression.  HUGE mistake I know but I couldn't help it.

Don't hear anything.  They have a housewarming party last night and the friend I mention goes to it.  They tag team her and ruthlessly attack her for letting me know about the yard sale... .drunk out of their minds.  They accuse her of having an affair with me!  They lay into her like crazy and she's just completely dumbfounded.  On top of all that on of their dogs bites her little girl and they blame the little girl! 

Apparently she's popping pills like crazy and boozing it up with this dude on an unprecedented level.  He has completely brainwashed her and all her friends are leaving her.  He also checks every voicemail, text, and fb message before she reads it.  It's really sad to see it all happening.

And yet... .she left me a fb message this morning saying how happy she is with her new man and how perfect everything is and that she hopes I find someone who makes me as happy one day... .I'm now blocked on FB to my relief. 

These people are crazy and when they find someone who mirrors them they find a justification for their behavior.  They can be angry at the world and find imaginary enemies and someone stands by them just about encouraging them to act they are instead of as a rational human being.  They fuel the paranoia.  They isolate them from the people that care about them. 

This is truly dysfunction junction.  God I'm glad I broke this off.  Hearing about all this craziness reminds me of why I ended it in the first place. 

[Surnia]

Hi Johnny

sounds really crazy all this and good to hear you are out. 

I would recommend you to gain even more distance to all this. As you said it yourself, the white knight is still there. You cannot save her. What do you think?

[Johnny Alias]

I'd say that is FULLY valid.  Not only would she need to convince herself that she's an alcoholic which would be VERY difficult as its her medicine to escape reality, but she would also need to leave the only man that's supporting her with a home, money, etc.  She's extraordinarily dependent, has no job, and will never leave no matter how abusive he might be. 

Siding with him no matter what ensures his loyalty and therefore her security... .at least in her mind. 

Beyond that I've read that cluster b's LOVE being the victim as they are allowed to blame everyone else for their problems and get narcissistic supply from anyone who feels sorry for them.  When you combine that with their constant manufactured drama she is probably enjoying herself immensely!  Anything to distract her from her train wreck of a reality. 

Gonna be talking with my therapist about all this today.  I'm still the white knight... .but she doesn't want to be rescued.  She wants to be enabled.  She wants the drama, the escape, to be the center of attention... .even negative attention.  I know I need to get off the rescuing bit and I'm trying... .it is hard for me with my upbringing and mom always needing reassurance from her little boy (me).   

It's crazy.  Apparently EVERYONE is distancing themselves from her now since we broke up.  She's not getting invited to events, can't get jobs for her photography since she's always drunk when she does it, and people HATE the pair of them. 

Amazing.  Everyone loved to see us out as a couple.  Smiling.  Laughing.  And now they're ALL telling me I'm much better off.  Wow. 

Her friend is still convinced this is going to blow up in her face and she'll come running back to me.  I can't get involved in that kind of triangulation hit again.  I've done it before and they always go back to the abuser.  Not a chance this time. 

[Surnia]

Gonna be talking with my therapist about all this today.  I'm still the white knight... .but she doesn't want to be rescued.  She wants to be enabled.  She wants the drama, the escape, to be the center of attention... .even negative attention.  I know I need to get off the rescuing bit and I'm trying... .it is hard for me with my upbringing and mom always needing reassurance from her little boy (me).   

Spot on here. 

Great you are working through it with a T. 

[MuGGzy]

Stay the F*** away!

ZERO contact, ZERO involvement, if a mutual friend feels compelled to "share" stories about her, politely decline to hear them, explain you really don't care and don't want to know.

My ex would call with drama stories and even showed up at my door more than once saying she had no place to stay that night and asked me to stay the night. the ONE time I was weak and let her in, she stole my son's ATM card and drained our bank accts.

I am 5 years out from kicking mine out and divorcing her I still get anxiety attacks if someone tells me about the crazy stuff she has posted to FB. I am still getting garnished for debts she ran up and since she doesn't work, I have to pay them, and those trigger my anxiety issues also.

The only thing that works for me is absolutely zero contact or info from or about her.

[Learning_curve74]

I'm still the white knight... .but she doesn't want to be rescued.  She wants to be enabled.  She wants the drama, the escape, to be the center of attention... .even negative attention.  I know I need to get off the rescuing bit and I'm trying... .it is hard for me with my upbringing and mom always needing reassurance from her little boy (me).

At least you recognize this, that's a great first step. 

She doesn't need to be rescued, this is what she's used to and feels she deserves. Just like you feel that you must be the white knight. You both have a choice to act differently, but your choice is yours, her choice is hers.

I hope you had a good session with your therapist. Did you feel better afterwards? 

[Mutt]

Birds of a feather flock together OP.

Don't worry about her welfare or who she is involved with.

Work on you.