When they continue contact with others?

[FigureIt]

My BPDbf seems to have this need to have contact (mainly by text) with other women. Either ex-girlfriends or women he causally meets when out. I have tried to express that this is crossing a boundary with me and I find it extremely disrespectful. I have asked him to delete their contact information from his cell phone, he says he will but never does.

He says he has nothing to hide and I have open access to his phone & email. Yet, when I say I checked he becomes irritated with me when I divulge what I found and how it is unacceptable.

I have also seen daily generate emails to his yahoo account from match.com, which he denies being a member and claims he has tried to unsubscribe.

How do I enforce this boundary when he continues to break it?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Devin6]

I am in the same boat on this, or I'm beginning to see this.

I'm as unsure about how to handle this kind of issue as you seem to be. I'll be watching your thread closely. 

[Ryyder]

My fella does the same.

I've discovered it's due to constantly needing an ego boost in order to fill that never ending hole in themselves.

I still haven't found a way to deal with enforcing my boundary about what I consider inappropriate contact with other women but through active listening and validation I have managed to understand his need and it has made it a little easier for me to handle when he does it.

[talbed]

Ditto here... .  My phone and varying social/professional media sites have been scoured for any person that I may have had an interest in or they in me (on top of an actual relationship).  Anything of question was easily deleted by me... .no questions asked.  They are far less important to me than her.

However the need for exes on the same sites or on her contact lists in email or phone were all justified... .  "I may need a lawyer one day, I may have a business question to ask, I may need real estate advice... ."  When I state that that it makes me somewhat uncomfortable and very much a double standard and by the way I have a very good lawyer friend, the attack comes out "what? do you think I am going to hit them?... .such an idiot.  I can just change the names on their phone numbers... .stupid... ."

Well... .nice... .

It really boils down (from what I can tell) to always having a Plan B in place.  Everytime she had a break up of a relationship, a past guy was called, usually within hours.  She is a good looking woman, so they are there immediately.

Yea, there is also the attraction of attention from newbies too... .  But most of us at some level don't mind the attention of others... .if just to feel a little flattered.  But not to the level of emails and texts.  But that new person issue hasn't emerged (that I know of) for me... .

So to me, what I have observed... ."always have a plan (B)" is the motive.  Because breaking up and maybe spending a couple of weeks to recover, clear your head, find yourself, etc... .not part of the game plan.  Fill that void as quickly as possible is the motivation... .  and keeping in touch with them now and again keeps that iron at least somewhat warm too... .

At least this is my situation, and humble opinion... .

And yea... .it stinks... .

(not very uplifting huh?  this has been the major issue in our relationship, so this one stings the most... .for me)

[Piggy]

I'm in the same boat with the rest of you.  I caught my wife texting a guy up to 700 times in a month.  I called my brother-in-law, the guys' boss, who called him into work and threatened to fire him if there was any more contact.

As soon as I got that situation under control, she started texting another guy.  I found out, contacted him direct, and told him to stop.  They started back so I sent him a cease and desist letter through certified mail and filed a police report as I'm paying for the phone, and his contact was harassing to me. 

I then went into her phone, changed his phone number over to mine, and caught her texting him.  She thought she was talking to him when it was actually me. 

It's a small town so the word got out that she was texting this guy, and she has been very embarrassed about the whole thing.  If it happens again, she knows that I will not hesitate to contact that person's employer, spouses, friends, or whoever I need to contact to put a stop to it.  So far it seems to have worked but I'll have to post an update if that changes.

[Ryyder]

it's all well and good us cutting off contact with their latest obsession for a while but we all know it'll only shift to someone else asap because they simply cannot survive without constant validation/attention/acceptance (or whatever it is they are seeking). What we are doing is putting weed killer on the leaves, trying to sort the problem, which is futile; we need to get to the root of the problem.

I'm begining to see that this is simply something we, as nons cannot do. We cannot fill the vast emptiness they feel. Only they can do that, with therapy and lots of it.

I think the only thing we have control over is how much rejection we can tolerate and how long we are able to stay with someone who needs more than we can give

[BelievenHope]

Yes, Ryyder, it will only shift to someone else. It actually is not all well and good to try to control their behavior. We are only in control of ourselves and our own reactions and what we accept. When we run around trying to put out fires that are not ours to put out, there will be new fires and the new fires will be just as big. The underlying thing that I have seen is that when my BPDbf was in contact with female friends, it was all about his fears of abandonment. When he gets too close to me, feels to much for me, sees how important I am to him, it is SUPER SCAREY to him. He wanted to make sure that if I saw "the real him" and I left, he would not be alone. I changed my behavior and my reactions. I wish there was a snap of the fingers that would fix it, but there is not. All we can do is place some importance on ourselves and learn what we need to learn.

[Ryyder]

Yes, Ryyder, it will only shift to someone else. It actually is not all well and good to try to control their behavior. We are only in control of ourselves and our own reactions and what we accept. When we run around trying to put out fires that are not ours to put out, there will be new fires and the new fires will be just as big. The underlying thing that I have seen is that when my BPDbf was in contact with female friends, it was all about his fears of abandonment. When he gets too close to me, feels to much for me, sees how important I am to him, it is SUPER SCAREY to him. He wanted to make sure that if I saw "the real him" and I left, he would not be alone. I changed my behavior and my reactions. I wish there was a snap of the fingers that would fix it, but there is not. All we can do is place some importance on ourselves and learn what we need to learn.

Ahhhhh < light bulb moment > Wow! Of course, I see that now.

Well, that makes sense. He's always said he's been terrified of being on his own. Although he said, only yesterday, that since being on medication (3 weeks in) he's no longer scared.

[FigureIt]

I changed my behavior and my reactions. I wish there was a snap of the fingers that would fix it, but there is not. All we can do is place some importance on ourselves and learn what we need to learn.

How did you change your behavior and reactions or what did you change them to?

[Love Is Not Enough]

I changed my behavior and my reactions. I wish there was a snap of the fingers that would fix it, but there is not. All we can do is place some importance on ourselves and learn what we need to learn.

How did you change your behavior and reactions or what did you change them to?

Ditto. What did you change?

My gf has gotten very good at hiding any inappropriate contact (I can only assume) and I do my best to not pry. I have some serious issues with privacy boundaries. None of this has helped me build ANY trust with her. Although she seems off lately and I cannot put my finger on it. I believe she is triangulating with her lesbian friend now. I don't think there is anything inappropriate going on and she has always claimed she has never been interested in women. Of course her words mean little to me. I guess my only option is to just sit back and WATCH WHAT SHE DOES... .

[Grey Kitty]

How do I enforce this boundary when he continues to break it?

Telling your partner not to be constantly inappropriately txting somebody (i.e. looks like an emotional affair, at least) isn't a boundary you can enforce.

It is a rule you are trying to impose on your partner. Setting rules and waiting to see if your partner decides to break them doesn't work well. (I think you've already seen how this works!)

The only boundary I can think of to enforce regarding this sort of contact is leaving the r/s. That is a tough boundary, and isn't worth it for many things (likely this one). In other words, this won't work either.

What does that leave?

1. Work out how and what about this triggers you, and try to let it go.

2. Knowing what bothers you the most, try to negotiate with your partner. (Check out communication tools like DEARMAN)

[tenseintn]

This is probably the biggest struggle in my relationship.  I can't even call him my BPDbf, because after two and a half years, he still can't bring himself to commit to me.  He has maintained since we met that he is "undateable."  He stays in contact with almost all of his ex-girlfriends, but when pressed (and sober), he admits that they're all just friends, and he feels that he needs them because he feels like he can trust them.  He's constantly meeting new women because he hangs out in bars and he's incredibly charming, but most of them leave when the charm wears off... .after weeks or a couple of months, at the most.  At first, it made me feel so insecure that I would freak out and it would lead to this huge cycle of drama, after which he'd always come back to me.  Eventually, due to altercations with other women in bars, it resulted in legal action.  I did something really inappropriate, and he punished me for it by having me arrested.  We cut off contact for six months, and then reconnected.  Even after all of that, he still loves me.  But still, the push and pull and the other women are a constant.  Considering that I'm the longest relationship he's had in years, even though it's been inconsistent, I feel like I am the one he really wants to be with.  Right or wrong, that's what I believe to be true.

The difference now is that when he starts talking about others or trying to push my buttons in that way, I just disengage.  I say, "I love you.  Goodnight."  Once, I told him that if he wants to keep looking, feel free.  The behavior has changed a bit since then for the better.  I'm not sure why.  Maybe he realizes that he won't get the validation he's looking for in that manner from me.  It's just something that I can't deal with, so I don't.  I show him that I love him in other ways, rather than destructive jealousy. 

I don't know if that makes any sense.  But that's my recent experience.  I'd be very interested in hearing how others deal with this issue.

[ucmeicu2]

How do I enforce this boundary when he continues to break it?

Telling your partner not to be constantly inappropriately txting somebody (i.e. looks like an emotional affair, at least) isn't a boundary you can enforce.

It is a rule you are trying to impose on your partner. Setting rules and waiting to see if your partner decides to break them doesn't work well. (I think you've already seen how this works!)

man oh man, i need to increase my boundary skills.  i always thought boundaries and rules were the same thing.

What does that leave?

1. Work out how and what about this triggers you, and try to let it go.

wow, awesome question, grey kitty.  when i read it, i got my answer immediately.  my xBPDgf consistently did what ya'll are talking abt here... .always having a Plan B (prob a C, D and E as well!)... .  staying in touch with every ex that would cooperate... .using social media to stay in touch, as well as meet new people ("just friends" ~ ok yeah right, we ALL started out as "just friends" , <sigh>... .  ok so those are all BIG triggers for me.  why?  my own insecurities... .my own fear of her finding someone new to replace me, to leave me.  otherwise, why would it bother me?  

these pwBPD they're kinda like butterflies... .  seems you have to be able to hold on loosely... .let them fly free and be OK with whatever happens (they stay, they leave and they come back/don't come back, etc).