Making the non-BPD feel like the crazy one

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am trying really hard to stand my ground and force the uBPD in my life to leave. We have been together for 7 yrs and have 3 children, yet never got married. Now that I'm being stern with him and insisting that this is over and he MUST go, he is twisting everything that goes on and constantly pushing me to my limits and insisting that I am the one that has some sort of disorder. This is really awful. Any advice on how to handle this and get out this mess would be most appreciated.

On a side note, he is REFUSING to leave, which is creating a very tense & hostile environment for everyone. I don't know what to do as far as getting him removed from the home -- he is on the lease so I am rather stuck until it runs out, which isn't until June. I've considered a restraining order, but I don't know if the emotional abuse would be enough to get that approved through the court.  Clearly, the simple solution would be to flee with the children, but it's our home -- I a pay all of the bills (rent, utilities, etc) and quite frankly, it is our (kids & I) home and he should be the one to go. He cannot afford it without me, but I guess that is a moot point when I allowed him to be on the lease.

Feeling like this is all beyond my control and he will destroy me... .

[LetMEgoPLS]

I am trying really hard to stand my ground and force the uBPD in my life to leave. We have been together for 7 yrs and have 3 children, yet never got married. Now that I'm being stern with him and insisting that this is over and he MUST go, he is twisting everything that goes on and constantly pushing me to my limits and insisting that I am the one that has some sort of disorder. This is really awful. Any advice on how to handle this and get out this mess would be most appreciated.

On a side note, he is REFUSING to leave, which is creating a very tense & hostile environment for everyone. I don't know what to do as far as getting him removed from the home -- he is on the lease so I am rather stuck until it runs out, which isn't until June. I've considered a restraining order, but I don't know if the emotional abuse would be enough to get that approved through the court.  Clearly, the simple solution would be to flee with the children, but it's our home -- I a pay all of the bills (rent, utilities, etc) and quite frankly, it is our (kids & I) home and he should be the one to go. He cannot afford it without me, but I guess that is a moot point when I allowed him to be on the lease.

Feeling like this is all beyond my control and he will destroy me... .

[Waifed]

He is attempting to gaslight you. He is trying to make you think you are the crazy one and the cause of the problems. My guess is he knows he is losing the control which is the worst thing that can happen to a pwBPD.  Advice?  First make sure you are not in the FOG.  If you are not I would try not to argue with him and then consider hiring an attorney so that he can be removed from the house. I really don't know what else to say. It's usually difficult to get them to stay!  

He can't destroy you. Just remain calm and make sure you are able to think clearly. BPD people will sometimes use the law against you. That is why it is important to hire an attorney. You may also consider phoning your local police department to make them aware of the situation just in case he tries to contact them.

[damage control]

My x did this with the x before me ... they shared a lease house and he moved into the spare room and refused to leave - she had the pleasure of knowing that she had been replaced (with me), working with him every day and also having him in the house with her and her 15 y/o daughter.

The REASON he stayed was because he was convinced he would not be able to find alternative accommodation ... .it was a survival mechanism ... and it went on for about 10 weeks? Or thereabouts - although, things had been falling apart for a year, he told her it was completely over in June and then refused to budge ... perhaps it is the same for yours? Survival?

Oh ... mine also gaslighted his ex ... I thought he was the one being gaslighted from the stories he was telling me ... yes, I'm an idiot - but I didn't know ... point is: they will gaslight in order to keep their reality secure and to be right in their own minds.

Good luck

[LetMEgoPLS]

I am definitely not in the FOG -- while I do feel sorry for him, I cannot help him.  I just want RID of him once and for all.

"The REASON he stayed was because he was convinced he would not be able to find alternative accommodation" -- this is EXACTLY what the problem is... .he boasts about how much money he will have once he is out on his own, because I am the problem for him financially, despite the fact that I pay ALL of the household expenses and he pitches in for groceries when he can. He cannot afford to live on his own, so I am hopeful that he will meet someone new that will take him in. I fear that is my only hope.  A few weeks ago, he cancelled an appt to see a place, because it was a little too expensive him -- yes, $1300 rent when you currently pay ZERO is probably a stretch.

Can you please explain the gaslighting? 

And I need to do better at not fighting as I am rather hostile and angry, because I am being forced to live with someone that I absolutely cannot stand at this point. It's hard to be nice to someone that has ZERO respect for others. But I am going to try to stop the fighting. It's not doing any good for any of us, especially he considering he will never own up to any his faults or wrongdoings. It's just ME. <UGH>

Thank you for the replies... this is good info.

[damage control]

Gaslighting is when someone undermines your perception of things and convinces you that things you KNOW are going on, the feelings you feel etc are incorrect, or wrong.

Here's a link to wikipedia for a better outline ... .

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

As for the accommodation - the reason my ex eventually left his ex (geez Louise these convoluted relationships!) is because I talked to him about share-houses ... .he went to his parents because "she was driving him nuts" (and rightly so in retrospect) ... but he had ME as emotional fallback and was able to secure share housing quickly.

[LetMEgoPLS]

Thank you for the gas lighting explanation. That really makes sense.

He generally "forget" his episodes as if they never happened, which reinforces his skewed sense of reality.

I look forward to the day when I can live apart from this. This is all so mentally exhausting.

[santa]

Gaslighting is pretty effective until you realize what they're doing. Once you learn what it is though, it's pretty easy to see through it.

Mine had me going there for a minute.

When you're in a relationship with them, you become suddenly involved in a lot of crazy things that you're not used to experiencing. Sadly, it becomes normal to you. Then when you breakup and think about those things, you wonder if there's something wrong with you because of what happened. What you have to recognize though is that the BPD person is what caused all of those things. In your life, those things didn't happen until you became involved with this person. So, it's not you. It's them.

Their little tricks are pretty easy to see through once you know what to look for.