Down

[Perfidy]

This girl... .I am so fascinated. She is young,beautiful,talented,creative,smart,loving,lives healthy. She likes me. I like her.

My ex... Nothing even close to that. Let go of me with love and friendship after months into an overlapping relationship. Uh huh... .Took a major crap on me after years of ridiculous behavior including physical abuse. I wonder how she got this seemingly decent guy to go along with this.

Me... .still pissed off. My motives might be vengeance in showing my ex that I can have better women than her. By far.

I feel like I need to prove something to her. Prove something to myself. I recognize this as letting her drag me down.

I am better than this and I know it. I feel like I'm letting her control me. This is crazy. It needs to stop. My self esteem and my self respect are still very low. I am trying. I was on the phone with my counsellor for an hour tonight. I have been doing CBT. She suggested DBT. Talked to me about living in the now. My now is a little sucky. So sucky I don't really want to live in it. I do have a few days where I feel pretty bulletproof but not today. If I do proceed into a relationship with this girl I sure don't want this suckieness to be there. Right NOW I'm down.

[heartandwhole]

My now is a little sucky. So sucky I don't really want to live in it. I do have a few days where I feel pretty bulletproof but not today. Right NOW I'm down.

I hear ya, Perfidy.  And I'm sorry you feel this way, it is sucky.     You aren't alone– I think a lot of people feel this on a regular basis.  So many of us trying to get out of this moment.

Do you think that these feelings mean something about you?  I know for me, I thought the pain I was going through was saying some kind of "truth" about me, but then I saw that it wasn't.  They were just feelings, rocking me like waves, or just there like still water.  Not defining me as a person.

Tell us more about this "down."  What does it look like, feel like, smell like?  Maybe we can tease out some roots.

[Perfidy]

Thank you HnW, for the reply. After I posted this thread I went to sleep. I dreamt about the ex. Second time since we split. I don't dream about her often. In my dream she told me that she was doing the same things that I am. Counseling,CBT,DBT. She told me she was into mindfulness and meditation,breathing,yoga, all the things I have been doing. I wasn't impressed. I was actually jealous that she appeared to be getting better. I still didn't want her. She disgusted me.

So weird... She tried contacting me a couple times in the past couple months. The day before thanksgiving and about six weeks before that. I did not respond. I won't speak to her ever again. I'm through. I still have this stupid attachment to her and I can't break it. My counsellor thinks I'm too much in the past. I agree

[heartandwhole]

I still have this stupid attachment to her and I can't break it. My counsellor thinks I'm too much in the past. I agree

Tell us more about that.  What does that attachment feel like?  Do you think it's serving a purpose?

I think it's great that you are doing yoga, therapy, DBT, etc.  Those are fantastic tools for healing, and something we have in common.  Recently I threw in some Rolfing as well, because after the breakup, my body started to express the pain and stress in ways that I couldn't ignore.

[Perfidy]

The attachment is like this... We spent a great deal of time together. We shared everything. Well ... I shared everything with her. It was very lopsided. She had nothing to offer except herself. That was fine with me because that's what I was attracted to. Her. Just her for who she was,at least who I perceived her to be. I thought I loved her only for herself. I shared everything with her. My triumph, my success, my hurt, my thoughts,feelings... My ups and downs. This, I feel is normal. The vestigial attachment leaves no where to go for sharing. I want to share my life. I can't share it with my self. For sharing to happen it takes at least two. I have kids. I share some stuff with them. I have lady friends. I share some with them. With her... I shared everything. That attachment is more or less imaginary now. It's like running into a brick wall. It's in the past. Some days are better than others. She was so bad for me... .Poison. I know this. At the same time I miss her. I wish it were just a easy as lying to myself or flipping off a switch. It is getting better. I know as long as she isn't in my life she can't hurt me. This is good. She is not in my now.

[Want2know]

Can you pinpoint the quality about her that made you feel so open to sharing everything with her?  Go beyond saying that you loved her, and think what was it about her personality/behavior/inner quality that made you feel this way.  Perhaps that might unearth something that you can work with and move forward.

[Perfidy]

W2K... She totally opened herself up to me... She wanted to know everything about me. I felt like she trusted me. She showed me everything. It wasn't all bad. She gained my trust. I opened myself up to her. I showed her my strength and weakness. In short... We developed an attachment to each other. It was torrid. We both accepted each others faults. We stayed together for many years. She stayed stuck in her mental illness and addiction. I felt as though she trusted me and I trusted her. In short... Trust. Trust is why I wanted to share my life with her. I came to believe that my role as her man compelled me to take care of her as my mate. I'm not even sure why. Maybe because that's how I feel about those close to me. Share everything. I am not the kind of person that thinks totally in black and white. I should have maybe. When I knew that she was addicted to meth and mentally ill I should have closed the door on her and just looked out for myself. I tried. She tried. Didn't work out.

[musicfan42]

I came to believe that my role as her man compelled me to take care of her as my mate. I'm not even sure why. Maybe because that's how I feel about those close to me. Share everything. I am not the kind of person that thinks totally in black and white. I should have maybe. When I knew that she was addicted to meth and mentally ill I should have closed the door on her and just looked out for myself. I tried. She tried. Didn't work out.

I'm not trying to be judgmental here but did the meth addiction not freak you out? I don't know a lot about it (touch wood I never do) however I've seen those horrible pictures of meth addicts... how their faces end up looking weird.

Or were you busy thinking "oh I can get her off the drugs and functional again?" Have you considered going to a Nar-Anon meeting? It's a support group for people who are concerned about a loved one's drug use. It's a 12 step group. I was at Al-Anon which is similar except it's about a loved one's alcohol intake. It was very healing to hear other people who had the same stories of trying to "fix" an addict even though I was no longer around the alcoholic in question. I haven't been to Nar-Anon so I can't say if it's good or not... just a suggestion...

[Perfidy]

MF... Yes, the drug addiction was a factor. At first I thought it was a recreational thing for her. I didn't understand addiction. I'm not an addict. I thought she had a choice. She lost her choice before I ever met her. Yes... the face... The teeth... All that... Destroyed. I knew I couldn't "fix" her. It's not a factor for me now. I would feel like narc anon or whatever would be like closing the gate after the horse ran away. I don't use drugs. She isn't in my life... Pointless. I'm not saying that I couldn't get something from going... I just don't feel the need to. I'm doing things that improve my state of mind. It is better. I still have bad days... I am having more good days too... This is improvement. Someone else fixed her. I'm good with that.

[musicfan42]

MF... Yes, the drug addiction was a factor. At first I thought it was a recreational thing for her. I didn't understand addiction. I'm not an addict. I thought she had a choice. She lost her choice before I ever met her. Yes... the face... The teeth... All that... Destroyed. I knew I couldn't "fix" her. It's not a factor for me now. I would feel like narc anon or whatever would be like closing the gate after the horse ran away. I don't use drugs. She isn't in my life... Pointless. I'm not saying that I couldn't get something from going... I just don't feel the need to. I'm doing things that improve my state of mind. It is better. I still have bad days... I am having more good days too... This is improvement. Someone else fixed her. I'm good with that.

Yeah... that's understandable. It is hard to understand addiction... it's really baffling. I dealt with an alcoholic and I thought he just got drunk for attention really... .that if he couldn't get attention for the right reasons, then he'd get attention for the wrong ones. It's hard not to feel that there is something manipulative about it... that an addict could stop if they really wanted to. I think that's what makes it feel so frustrating... this feeling that I was being hoodwinked... that I had to put up with a lot of B.S. really.

Another thing too... a lot of addicts use the excuse of "I can stop any time I like" or basically lie and say they didn't use/drink or even if they did, minimize the amount. This means that it's actually pretty hard to get an accurate picture of what's actually going on. I think this is why loved ones of addicts can be in denial for so long... that they don't realize it's an actual addiction.

It's good that you're being proactive and putting the focus on you... finding things to help yourself out. It's easy for an addict to take up all your time, trying to "fix" them essentially so it's good that you're taking care of yourself now.

[Perfidy]

Struggling still... I have a lot of good moments. Sometimes almost whole days I feel really good. I wish I knew the formula. I wish I could pinpoint what it is about me that causes me to feel so good. I catch my self sometimes in the morning starting to think negative and I have to fight to pull myself up. This morning I was walking as the sun was coming up. I felt really good for about twenty minutes after I woke up. One of the first nights in almost nine months that I can remember sleeping all night without waking up between 2 and 4 am with her on my mind and cussing at myself for doing it. As I was walking I began to feel the crap. It started dragging me back towards self pity and depression. I can actually feel my brain change when this happens. It is nowhere near as intense as it was a few months ago. When I feel it I get scared. almost panic. I saw the sun come up behind a row of trees. The air was clear and cold. There were a few clouds and the sky was bright red. It was beautiful. I knew I was alright.

[ucmeicu2]

Struggling still... I have a lot of good moments. Sometimes almost whole days I feel really good. I wish I knew the formula. I wish I could pinpoint what it is about me that causes me to feel so good. I catch my self sometimes in the morning starting to think negative and I have to fight to pull myself up. This morning I was walking as the sun was coming up. I felt really good for about twenty minutes after I woke up. One of the first nights in almost nine months that I can remember sleeping all night without waking up between 2 and 4 am with her on my mind and cussing at myself for doing it. As I was walking I began to feel the crap. It started dragging me back towards self pity and depression. I can actually feel my brain change when this happens. It is nowhere near as intense as it was a few months ago. When I feel it I get scared. almost panic. I saw the sun come up behind a row of trees. The air was clear and cold. There were a few clouds and the sky was bright red. It was beautiful. I knew I was alright.

hi perfidy ~ i hear a different tone in this post.  right on man!  happy for you.

have you seen this article?  i just stumbled onto it and it's amazing.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103393.0

here's a teaser excerpt.  good stuff.  blows me away.  nobody ever taught me that i can have this kind of control in my head!:

"Rule: The emotional part of a memory begins 90 to 120 seconds after a file is pulled.

In mental health situations, this is perhaps the most important neurological rule. Once we pull a file, after 90 seconds the emotional component begins. Our mood starts to change, returning us to the mood which was present when the file was made. As an example, remember someone discussing the recent death of a loved one. The first two minutes of conversation may go well - then they become sad. The longer the file is out (being discussed), the more the emotional component surfaces to the point that they will become tearful. If the file remains out, the exact feelings made at the time of the funeral and death will surface - they will talk about loss, love, guilt, or whatever other feelings are in the file."

[Perfidy]

Wow... .Long article. Haven't read the whole thing yet. Reading the paragraph about serotonin. That describes my symptoms entirely. At first, months on end with no let up ... .Suicidal. Now... .still get the funk almost every day but not all day long. It comes and goes.

[pecia]

That was a great article. I even sent it to my BPDh to read. I have been using this knowledge to try and be more mindful of things when I get upset. I think he and I both have a tendency to snatch out bad files in a hurry thanks! Pecia