How do you remember the raging/dysregulation?

[coworkerfriend]

The previous post really got my thinking.  I think I minimize the amount of raging and the intensity.  When it occurs, it seems to take me by surprise.  Which when I type this out, seems absolutely ridiculous. 

I own a business and have a personal relationship with my pwBPD.  Although things for the most part are better than they were a few years ago, we go through the exact same rage/dysregulation topic about once a month.  Something or someone at our office triggers a reaction in him that he does nothing, isn't appreciated and that spirals into him questioning everything about me and that he is leaving our business.  I immediately panic and am hurt by his words.  But if I  step back and look at things, we get over it every time.  He apologizes, I forgive him and we move on. 

It is only when I read back to my old posts do I realize that it really hasn't gotten much better. I am still hurt by his rages.  The words he says get so big and loud in my head.  The rest of the month, when he is good, slips away and is replaced by the dysregulation.  It seems as if I spend the good part of the month getting over it and it happens again. 

Most of the time, I tell him and I tell myself I accept him.  This is who he is.  He is a good man who is mentally ill.  How do I let myself forget that?   

The holidays are terribly stressful for him.  I should have expected the dysregulation.  Why does it always seem to take me by surprise?  I never feel prepared for it.  It hits me hard and it takes a lot out of me.  Why can't I just ignore his words and wait for it to pass? 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Hope26]

Hi coworkerfriend,

I can so relate to the pain I hear when you say "I never feel prepared for it" and "It hits me hard and it takes a lot out of me."  I think that is the answer as to why you can't just igore his words and wait for it to pass.  Because you weren't prepared, it hits you like a punch in the gut, and it takes so much out of YOU emotionally.  Their emotional dysregulation ends up making an emotional wreck out of us.

I am the one who started the previous post.  I hadn't checked back for a week or more, and was blown away by the sheer number of replies, and how much empathy and understanding I gained from all of you who replied.  When I asked if our pwBPD's remembered their periods of raging, I was in a way asking if they are capable of feeling remorse.  Before I really understood the illness, I kept hoping for apologies.  Now I understand that is probably unrealistic.  Thanks to this board, I understand a lot of things better.  I know that their illness manifests in many more aspects of their lives than just the 'raging' behavior.  However, that is the hardest one for me to handle.  I love my husband dearly and plan on staying with him, which is why I'm on this board.  Coworkerfriend, you said yours has episodes on a monthly basis.  That must be so much more difficult.  Mine typically has his on an average of every three months, but life stresses seem to make a big difference in frequency.

[coworkerfriend]

Thanks for responding, Hope.  I have been with my pwBPD for 5 years but it wasn't until about a year ago, I discovered BPD and began to learn about it.  I have to say that I don't think I will ever understand it.  My pwBPD has been in therapy for the past 12 to 15 years.  He knows that he isn't "wired" the same way as other people are.  He has not been officially diagnosed and I think that being diagnosed scares him.  He does apologize after every episode.  He seems to know they are hard on me but at the time, he can't stop the raging and dysregulation.  Before I found this board, I would try to "talk" him out of how he was feeling.  It was horrible. 

My pwBPD has said that I have allowed him to work on some of the tools he has learned in therapy over the past year since I stopped making things worse.  I think part of my problem is that I have been so emotionally drained by this relationship that every rage takes a little more out of me.  I haven't had time to recover and move forward. 

I don't know if any of this makes sense.  I have been feeling down the past few weeks and I am just not sure how I can build myself back up. 

[hergestridge]

I react just the same. I think it's only natural. You can't get used to getting verbally attacked out of the blue. It's abusive. Unless the harsh words are linked to something that you have done the harshness doesn't make sense and you brain fails to make sense of what is happening. It's no wonder you and I have our nerves in tatters days or weeks after a dysregulation.

[Hope26]

Hello Friends,

I have just experienced another dysregulation episode.  I didn't handle it either greatly or horribly, probably better than in the past though.  After reading your comments, and after what I've been through, I am wondering if there is any hope for improvement.  I think at least I won't be sick for days as has happened i the past.  I am so grateful for this group and for all of you.  At least I didn't 'jade' this time, though he says he hates when I 'don't respond'.

[tomo]

This is a great post.  My uBPDw rages at me at least once a week.  After almost 20 years with this lady I still don't know the right way to react when she is in one of those moods; the kind that gradually builds and intensifies until she blows.  Her words are usually excessively sharp at these times and are intended to rip through the  soul .   Over time I guess I have come to realize that she will never change. But isn't it hard to love someone that tells you so so often that he/she hates you and wishes you were dead; then tells you that it's your fault for making him/her feel that way.  It ain't easy being on this side of the rage.

[123Phoebe]

First, I want to say how sorry I am to all of you for having experienced this   I know first hand how incredibly hard and lonely being on the receiving end of one of these episodes can feel; mass confusion, intense feelings of betrayal, fear, conflicting and racing thoughts of my own, depression... . Am I missing anything?  

Radical Acceptance to the rescue!  Radical Acceptance for family members

It takes time being able to depersonalize the ill behavior of somebody else and it doesn't always work, depending on our own life circumstances at the time... . Are we actively taking care of ourselves?  Making ourselves a priority?  What does it mean to take care of yourself?

I found that I needed to make some big life-style changes.  And it had nothing to do with BPD.  Sure, the BPD behaviors are real; when I'm actively taking care of myself, I'm not reactively interacting with the disorder.  I'm not attaching my own worth to it and internalizing the ill-effects.

Sometimes, we need a little reminder of just how much we matter, too

[briefcase]

Hi coworkerfriend,

It took me a long time to depersonalize the rages, and I still have to work on it.   

I think a deep down we sometimes don't want to let go of the dream for the relationship, and the next rage or dysregulation comes along and knocks us back.  Its not easy.

[Grey Kitty]

Why can't I just ignore his words and wait for it to pass? 

It is hard to ignore that powerful an emotionally charged attack.

Instead of trying to ignore it (not be hurt by it), go away so you are not subjected to the rage at all... .doing something else meanwhile. You do still have to wait for it to pass, though.

Enforcing a boundary like that always worked better for me.

[LifeIsBeautiful]

Hi,

I told my uBPDw that her raging has been causing me much distress both personally and at work. Wrong move, cause I won't get what I wanted from her by saying that, but I had to get it out of my chest, for myself (explaining for myself and emotions). Are we suppose be calm all the time and not show any cracks?

Will she use that as weakness and use it to bait/attack me? Likely, but the validation and acceptance isn't working, or I'm not doing it correctly. I'm seeing a T (he was our MC previously until she "fired" him), and I was wondering if anyone can advise how to make the session helpful or effective? I do understand that it is important I am committed, objective and accept her condition.

[waverider]

I think it helps if you have a plan that you actually do something to remove your thoughts from the impact. Rather than just put the tin hat on and weather the storm. Being proactive does remove a lot of the hopelessness of it.

Even if you can't remove yourself, the feeling of actually doing something, helps you cope. It helps you focus on something other than the rage.

Rainy days pass a lot quicker if you are not looking out the window watching the clouds roll by.

[coworkerfriend]

I can't remove myself from the situation since it happens at the office.  I try to focus on working and not letting him in.   

I had been delusional enough to think that with acceptance and support, I could manage to make this work.  I thought that I was strong enough to withstand the rages and be able to continue moving forward.  It is becoming increasingly clear to me that this is causing a tremendous amount of internal stress. 

Maybe this time, the raging and dysregulation is the wake up call I needed to realize I have been torn apart by it all too many times. 

I don't know.  I just don't know anymore. 

[waverider]

The answer may ultimately be that you simply can't work together.

I know that messes everything up in your life and career, but that may be the bottom line, maybe you just have too much exposure to each other leaving you trapped.

Often fine tuning or interactions is just a band aid and not a real permanent solutioin

[coworkerfriend]

The sad and ironic fact is that our business is more successful than either of us imagined it would be.  Our customer base has expanded and we are doing very well.

I know that he doesn't feel worthy of success.  He doesn't feel he deserves it.  Those are his issues but my codependent side wants to help him.  I know that isn't possible.

I feel like I deal with the dysregulation periods well most of the time.  I know this is who he is and he is working on his issues with his therapist.  Then I wonder if I just minimize his issues in my head and then it builds to a point where I feel I can't take it.   

It wish I knew what the answer is.  I do know that I need to continue to work on myself.  Thanks everyone for responding.

[waverider]

Economic success vs emotional well being

[Grey Kitty]

I'm putting pieces together, although I'm not sure if they fit the way I think they do... .

... .we go through the exact same rage/dysregulation topic about once a month.

I own a business ... .with my pwBPD.

I can't remove myself from the situation since it happens at the office.

I think you are painting yourself into a corner that you don't need to be in. Here's how I see it:

He rages about once a month. As I see it, you could just leave the office for the day or a couple hours when he starts raging. You are an owner, so you won't be fired by your boss.

What if you just said "I'm not going to stay in the office while you rage at me (or verbally abuse me, or whatever language you prefer." and get your coat and walk out the door? Why do you say you can't do that?

You probably lose as much productivity by trying not to let it bug you as you would going away!

The answer may ultimately be that you simply can't work together.

My situation was a romantic r/s, not a working one... .but the strength I found from being willing to risk the r/s (by not accepting bad behavior) was what made all the difference... .and allowed me to save the r/s.

[coworkerfriend]

Thanks for the input.  I have been giving quite a bit of thought the responses.

Waverider - your response seems so simple.  That I need to make a choice between economics and emotional well-being.  If only it were so easy. If only I could say that my emotional well being is more important than business.  If only I didn't have employees who work hard, put their heart and soul into doing a good job, who have families and mortgages and need health insurance.  I could consider walking away. I could say that my emotional well being matters more than any of that.  But that is not who I am.  I cannot leave my employees and close the business. Don't get me wrong.  I have spent many sleepless nights trying think of how I would bring the business to its natural conclusion. I think about closing and helping the employees find jobs.  Getting a job and giving up what I have worked for and wanted my whole professional life.  My partner is mentally ill.  He struggles with the demands of our profession and he pulls himself together 90 percent of the time.  It is clear to me that he is who he is.  I have work to do to accept that and not be pulled off track when he dysregulates.

Grey Kitty- I appreciate your putting the pieces together and helping me sort through this. 

I know it is my work to do to keep myself strong and accept he is who he is.  My pwBPD hasn't hidden his struggles and talks about what he is trying to do to make improvements to our relationship.  He has been in therapy a very long time and will continue for the rest of his life.  He knows that he will always need to work on his depression and his illness. 

I am trying to sort through my feelings and clarify this complex situation in my head.  That is why I come to this forum and post.  I was alone for a long time with this. Knowing that there are so many people out there who understand and have insight and perspective that I may not have on my own helps.  It has been a year since I discovered BPD.  Although I have learned so much, I know it will be a lifetime of learning and accepting this is part of my life for as long as he is in my life. 

I have decided that I am going to make this business a success with or without him.  I am not giving up my dreams and hard work.  Sometimes I just need support to stay on my path. 

[nodoover]

I am getting better at depersonalizing the rages and anger and things he says but I find the things I do are causing me to have almost no feelings except pity or sympathy for him left.  I have to numb myself while he is angry or if I can't get away (in a car, etc) I keep saying over and over to myself, he is mentally ill, it is not who he really is.

But I find whatever love I started with and respect is pretty much gone.  We live mostly as roommates who have sex once in awhile and I care about him but even when he tells me the overly nice stuff I believe that the same way I believe the bad stuff, I think none of it is real.

[hergestridge]

I remember thinking to myself - many years ago - that one possible way to make life with (then undiagnosed) BPD wife livable would be to stop "taking her seriously" when she was in her bad moods. I didn't want this because I'm afraid of what that would do to our relationship.

Now that I know about BPD I can't get into the fights the same way because I know they're not "real". And we have removed the worst triggers from our life.

And she's changed so much. I used to have so many illusions about her. Now I know all the things she can't do, although she forgets every once in a while. I know all the talk is just hollow. I know she won't follow through with her plans. Sometimes I wonder what use I am for her.

[waverider]

I know the statement economics v emotional well being is an over simplification and you cant just wave a magic wand and make it happen. Often to provide long term solutions it is necessary to oversimplify things to their opposite extreme stance. Then start to make adjustment from that end goal, with maybe some lateral thinking, until you have a more workable agenda. Otherwise you get stuck in a cycle of modifying and band aiding an existing process that is not working.

ie Think:That is were I need to be, how do I get there? Rather than I am here how can I get out of this situation?

It always seems obvious in hindsight.

Businesses and ownerhips change and evolve all the time, often with less negative results than were at first envisaged. Families breakdown with often less devastating damage done than attempting to hold them together for the sake of the family. A dysfunctional unit is often an explosion waiting to happen where the collateral damage is much worse due to the lack of foreplanning.

[rumblelina]

this thread has been very helpful to me, thank you all for your contributions

I used to scold myself for thinking good times would last and I came to realize it might be because we need an endless spark of hope to endure the storm, the downside is that it makes us unprepared, but without hope it is impossible to hang on, especially since the pwBPD can't let themselves hope.

The pwBPD is permanently (if subconsciously) thinking the r/s is doomed, how can it be not so if not at least one person is willing to believe it isn't?