Not understanding why I feel this way...

[Depression = 72% of members]

And so I continue to ruminate,analyse,question myself.

I do not understand what is going on in my head.Since the split and the ensuing madness I have had some support from platonic male friends.They have taken me out for dinner,drinks etc.I have plastered on a false smile( for the obligatory social media pages etc) and pretended to have a great time whilst inside just dying and wanting to be having a great time with my ex.I don't know why but I do not feel comfortable in the presence of men... .and these are men who I have known for years and trust (as far as I am able to trust at the moment).I have also has some "attention" from men who want to date me.Obviously few know the horror of what I went through so I presume I just present to those asking me out as "normal".But I am not because... .the thought of having sexual relations/intimacy on any level with someone else actually makes me feel sick.I cannot envisage ever having close contact with another male again.I found my expwBPD so damn sexually attractive... .and still do... .despite the turmoil and destruction he has put me through.I don't seem to be able to control my sexual desire for him.It kills me to think of him having sex with someone else.Am I going mad?We had such a great sex life and it wasn't because I am particularly gifted in that arena.It was just that he made me feel so comfortable when we were together.He always maintained that we had a strong sexual attraction even after the split so why is he not feeling the same as me?Why is he capable of just jumping into another relationship with no hurt,regret,left over desire,pain?

I wonder if me going out and about and putting "happy" pictures on Facebook etc is me trying to get on with my life and mask the pain or me behaving in the way he does to others (ie:false impressions)?I wonder if me trying so hard to seek validation,explain things,try and make it right makes me disordered?Everytime I tried to explain he would twist in the most awful way... .why did I keep going back for more?Even AFTER he started his appalling behaviour?Why do I STILL just want to open my eyes and have this whole experience be a bad dream?

Everyone else on these boards seems to be able to offer advice.I still mope and ask questions and post long missives.The most proactive I can be is to send a "hug".Even people on here... .despite everything they have gone through,see the light ,go NC and start to heal.I just simply cannot process and accept what is going on.I just want things to be different.And that,I cannot understand.I wish I could get angry but I can't.I just feel sad.I do not think I am recovering like others are.And that makes me disappointed in myself.I want to be able to have a loving and supportive relationship... .but on a sexual side and maybe a validation side... .I seem to want it to be only with him.I want him to come back,apologise and for things to be normal.Even though I know that this will not happen and my head tells me I could not have this happen.My heart seems to be on some form of crazy making drug.I have recalled the bad times,the abuse etc but I seem overpowered by mourning the good.Seriously... .what on earth is going on in my head?Though I have a therapist (who is great) I am beginning to wonder whether I need a psychiatrist.NB.XX

[Nearlybroken]

And so I continue to ruminate,analyse,question myself.

I do not understand what is going on in my head.Since the split and the ensuing madness I have had some support from platonic male friends.They have taken me out for dinner,drinks etc.I have plastered on a false smile( for the obligatory social media pages etc) and pretended to have a great time whilst inside just dying and wanting to be having a great time with my ex.I don't know why but I do not feel comfortable in the presence of men... .and these are men who I have known for years and trust (as far as I am able to trust at the moment).I have also has some "attention" from men who want to date me.Obviously few know the horror of what I went through so I presume I just present to those asking me out as "normal".But I am not because... .the thought of having sexual relations/intimacy on any level with someone else actually makes me feel sick.I cannot envisage ever having close contact with another male again.I found my expwBPD so damn sexually attractive... .and still do... .despite the turmoil and destruction he has put me through.I don't seem to be able to control my sexual desire for him.It kills me to think of him having sex with someone else.Am I going mad?We had such a great sex life and it wasn't because I am particularly gifted in that arena.It was just that he made me feel so comfortable when we were together.He always maintained that we had a strong sexual attraction even after the split so why is he not feeling the same as me?Why is he capable of just jumping into another relationship with no hurt,regret,left over desire,pain?

I wonder if me going out and about and putting "happy" pictures on Facebook etc is me trying to get on with my life and mask the pain or me behaving in the way he does to others (ie:false impressions)?I wonder if me trying so hard to seek validation,explain things,try and make it right makes me disordered?Everytime I tried to explain he would twist in the most awful way... .why did I keep going back for more?Even AFTER he started his appalling behaviour?Why do I STILL just want to open my eyes and have this whole experience be a bad dream?

Everyone else on these boards seems to be able to offer advice.I still mope and ask questions and post long missives.The most proactive I can be is to send a "hug".Even people on here... .despite everything they have gone through,see the light ,go NC and start to heal.I just simply cannot process and accept what is going on.I just want things to be different.And that,I cannot understand.I wish I could get angry but I can't.I just feel sad.I do not think I am recovering like others are.And that makes me disappointed in myself.I want to be able to have a loving and supportive relationship... .but on a sexual side and maybe a validation side... .I seem to want it to be only with him.I want him to come back,apologise and for things to be normal.Even though I know that this will not happen and my head tells me I could not have this happen.My heart seems to be on some form of crazy making drug.I have recalled the bad times,the abuse etc but I seem overpowered by mourning the good.Seriously... .what on earth is going on in my head?Though I have a therapist (who is great) I am beginning to wonder whether I need a psychiatrist.NB.XX

[BuildingFromScratch]

I find that hardly anyone can understand. I also just recently realized I have no obligation to act happy if I'm not. Even if that means other people don't want to be around me. That's fine, they stuck by me, and that's good enough, I can take a break from them and come back when I'm doing better (most people don't understand mental illness in general). I rarely feel angry myself and I spammed her facebook with messages, but have recently stopped. I feel sad, it's really hard to come to terms with this much lying. It goes further than being dishonest. It's like she had some planet that doesn't exist and took me to it and then I'm realizing it was thin air. It's rough, for everyone. Just because you aren't as far along as some others doesn't mean a thing, take your time, it's yours to take.

[RecycledNoMore]

NB, its ok, try not to compare your recovery to others, we are all a vastly different group of individuals here, with 1 difference, our horrendous/ passionate/ gigantic/ disastrous/ celestial/ demonic/ farsical/ hysterical/ insane, interactions with pw Borderline Personality Disorder.

I feel like when I read your posts, im listening to myself, I still ruminate, miss the person I fell " in love with", want things to go back to how they were in the beginning, the idealisation phase, f*** it hurts to say that, equating some of the best times in my life, to a phase.I still think about the sex, it was good in the beginning, but his behavior in devaluation f***, ruined the magic I imagined we had.Those realisations, took a long time to accept, like you I cried, was utterly miserable, painted on a happy face, and faked my way through my own life.

Felt sick at the thought of being with another man, actually, I still do,ive had " attention", it actually sends me into robot mode, say as little as possible, dont look him in the eye, wow I looked at him twice, arggh hes coming over... .

On and on and on.

He is able to move on without skipping a beat because that is how he is built, heck sometimes I wish I had BPD too, so maybe I could block out the whirlwind in my mind.That thought is fleeting though, give me pain, love, empathy, ecstasy and the ability for honest self reflection any day.

You are in mourning, you have suffered a great loss, all these things you describe are so natural NB, I used to read other peoples " happy posts", and feel like that kind of clarity, closure of sorts would NEVER happen, but it does, it can, it will

It must.

Please trust me, it takes time, and it fu**ing hurts, and so help me, if I could reach through my phone and hug you I bloody well would.

Time my friend, a very wise man in here said something to me that has always stuck,

" this too shall pass"

I look foward to the day NB, that you will be saying a version of your own experience to a hurt,nearlybroken soul just like you 1 day.

[Naddred369]

NB,

Please dont worry. How you feel is normal.

I miss my ex like crazy. I really loved her and I want I want my partner back!

But I have to deal with the fact she doesent want me and she is very dangerous to me.

I go on dates(not really ready!) and wish I was with her.

we just drag ourselves on and up and re make a life.

Stay strong NB, coz we all look to each other on this board and we all are rooting/ cheering aech other on.

[Jbt857]

NB,

I feel very similar. I have been separated from my BPDexh of 10 years since the end of February. I have been replaced. The thought of him with someone else destroys me. I have the same questions of 'how could he' that you do. It is incomprehensible to me. He was the one I married. The one I was meant to be with forever. That that is no longer the case destroys me.

I don't get angry either. I feel just... .so sad. (There is a thread in the personal inventory board about anger - might be interesting: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=214359.0)

I cannot contemplate dating now. I had some interest the other day, but it still feels too soon for me. Truthfully, I don't want anyone else. Like you, I want my ex still.

But we are somewhere on this process still. Our heads know the logic. Just it's taking our hearts a while to catch up. That is pretty common.

Maybe you won't feel anger. Maybe you will heal at a different rate to others. Maybe I will too. Thats ok.

(Ironically, I actually felt ok when we initially split - my hurt came to me later - initially I was so overwhelmed with relief from not walking on eggshells, i thought I was fine. Not so.)

Some days are better than others. Even the good days are pretty crummy, but healing takes as long as it takes. So long as you're doing the work and keeping moving, you'll get there. I will too. Stay strong. 

[Littleopener]

I cried reading this. I feel the same. He has moved on, just completely forgot about what we had, the amazing times.

I cry and cry and cry and cry and cry

And it is SO physically painful.


How can he not feel this way too?

How could he replace me so easily?

He once told me he would "never ever hurt " me. I wish he had physically rather than this emotional pain.

I honestly sometimes find myself thinking things would be better if I wasn't here. And I hate myself for letting one person affect me so much.

[necchi]

I feel what you are going through and it is so hard to cope with. I have good days and bad days they come more often, i keep thinking of ,all the promises she made when i thought it was the "breakthrough" than i left bcausei wasn't comfortable and thought it was to good to be true. Well it was ,and now im painted black, a piece of garbage, cant see my S3 she has brain wash my D13 and i still manage to validate her.been n/c 5 months and cry every day, there are days were i cant go to work and just stay in bed. I was so stupid in believing in her... .if i were to go balling out my agony she wouldn't understand and split the reality. I look outside when a car passes to see if its not her driving by on purpose cause she as feelings for me(if she does) I'm a complete mess, when i wake up my mind starts the reel and it don't go away. I don't know how long i can take this. I don't even imagine myself being this emotionally connected to any human being.my friend has ridiculed me, punish me,stab my soul,I'm truely broken.

[necchi]

Jtb8, i felt the same way for the first month and a half than it just crumbled down on me. I was dissociating and there is so much one can do this. I even saw her driving down my street with this sad look on her face and at that time didn't feel much empathy, some but was so relieved. Now it is all i feel. No anger, just sorrow and pain.

[RecycledNoMore]

Dearest NB

I have been watching

Sam Vaknin on utube, lots of very interesting, informative vids about narccisism, they have become an important tool for me about learning why my uBPDx, dosent give a crap about me, who I am as a person, s*** im surprised he even knew my name, and also more importantly WHY I stayed with him for so long, they have been a revelation, and described quite accurately our " dance macbre"

Eye opening to say the least.Keep going NB

[Lady31]

I watched a lot of Vaknin's videos too.  Very eye opening for me as well.  Must watch.

[Pretty Woman]

I'll have to check out Vaknin, haven't seen any of his videos yet.

I myself miss the sweet side. The way she smiled when she saw me... .the holding hands in a corn maze in September. Laughing about silly, stupid stuff.

It's really hard to not take this form of rejection personally. From someone who has been rejected a lot I know that is core trauma for me.

Do I love this woman? I don't know anymore. Who was this person that could so callously dismiss me after telling me I am a "beautiful and loving woman".

A week later calling me a self-absorbed A-hole that wasn't present our entire relationship and who really didn't know "her".

Yeah, apparently I didn't really know her.

[heartandwhole]

NB,

I'm sorry that you are in so much pain right now.     Your feelings are understandable and normal – we all recover at different rates, and have our own unique issues to work through.

I think it's so hard for us to understand how our exes can move on while we're hurting so badly.  Understanding that my pwBPD didn't experience the relationship in the same way that I did helped me – it's very difficult to accept, given the words that were said, the mirroring, the idealization, etc., but my pwBPD was likely harboring very negative feelings and resentments toward me for a long time without my being aware of them.

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

Hang in there.  I know it doesn't feel like it now, and it doesn't make what you are going through easier, but things will get better.