after two years, shattered, again

[Cardinals in Flight]

Hello folks,

for a brief synopis, I came here two years ago after learning my then g/f was very likely an uber high functioning pwBPD and with strong narcissitic traits.  After the initial break up, a couple months later we tried the friendship route, I settled in the role of emotional caretaker by learning many lessons here and with the ups and downs normal to a rs with a pwBPD, whatever that is, it was alright for a period of time.

After some ensuing distance this past year, me going on with my life doing my own thing when time together wasn't 'desired', *read*, nothing I could do for her, it has all come crumbling down and what I've taken away from all of this is... .as long as I was a good little doormat, things were somewhat ok, but as soon as I started standing up for myself, I was no longer enjoyable to be around.  There were so many facets of the last two years that mimicked a true relationship, even my T said so.  It walked like a duck, quacked like a duck, etc. 

A couple of months ago I expressed some pent up displeasure, more silent treatment, back and forth with nothing being resolved except I'm all to blame and BAM, it's over.  There have been many episodes where I was absued in a more severe manner, nasty words hurled at me, but this time I express my true feelings and this is what ultimately ends this.  ME.  I've known in my gut it needed to happen for a very long time, but guilt of abandoning her, her greatest fear kept me around.  Also? I've been working on my own core issues of abandonment from childhood and trying to be more aware and realize how they are affecting my life now.  I know there is a replacement, this person cannot be alone, I realize this. The thing I'm struggling with the most, besides being shattered all over again, (is that even possible?), is that in her final email, is that absolute denial that the past two years, (that she participated in fully), even occured.  She knew we couldn't be friends two years ago?, why then did she stay around?   I apologized prior to, went into all that had occured, praising, validating etc, but still nothing good could be said.  I come away in the end, with her saying it's all my fault.  No culpability whatsoever.  I owned my part, said so many times, and yes, my fatal mistake was smoothing over the rough patches to make her feel better when in actuality I really had done nothing as egregious as she made out.

The final blow, is the line "we cannot be friends right now", as though she thinks that after time goes by she'll walk back into my life, (as she has done after numerous silent treatment episodes) and resume something that suits her.  Ummm, I don't think so.  I'm packing up mementos, getting rid of anything that is a reminder of this farce, blocked everything I can possibly block and finally trying to move on.  I urge anyone considering "staying" to learn from my pain and mistakes, get. out. now!

I'm in a great deal of pain, and I know she is more than likely just going on with her life as though there has been no blip at all.  I'm struggling to get Christmas done for my family, I can't eat, I can't sleep, and my emotions are raw, I cannot believe I am here after all of this time.  My fear is I will never know normal again.  Will I be able to relate to another human without recoiling at the first sign of some stark reminder of this person who has caused so much upheaval in my life?  I care for her very very much, wish her no real ill will. (ok, a flat tire in the raging snow or rain, I'm human  ) I know in my heart of hearts there is no closure, or answers, only more questions, but the damage is great, along with collateral damage.  I have a young child who cannot understand why her "buddy" has suddenly disappeared, albeit again, but for a longer period of time.

My empathetic self knows there is a churning inside of her that can never be quieted. I always saw the injured, broken 8 year old little girl when she lashed out, tried so hard to really support and be there, I wanted to.   I so wish I had listened to her in the very beginning when she told me outright that she was defective, because she really is, and I loved her anyway, I love her still, but I cannot be in her life.

CiF

[heartandwhole]

Oh Cardinals,

I'm so sorry to hear this!  Truly. I know how hard you worked to make the relationship work.  Your pain and despair is so understandable, and my heart goes out to you.  

I wish there were something I could say that would help. Please know that we are here for you and will walk with you as you navigate this grieving.

My empathetic self knows there is a churning inside of her that can never be quieted. I always saw the injured, broken 8 year old little girl when she lashed out, tried so hard to really support and be there, I wanted to.   I so wish I had listened to her in the very beginning when she told me outright that she was defective, because she really is, and I loved her anyway, I love her still, but I cannot be in her life.

Yes. Yes. Yes.  AND. There is a churning inside of you, and at the moment an injured, broken-feeling little girl inside of you who needs you desperately.  She is crying out for you to support her and be there.

I know it's hard.  We're here for you.  

[redkong]

Hi CIF,

So sorry to hear of all you've been through.  It sounds like you are resolved to leave, and that will likely help you.  Your ex gf can only walk back in again if you let her, so prepare yourself for that.

I do think it sounds consistent with BPD that your ex has rewritten or reframed the past.  Based on what I've experienced and read, pwBPD reframe things in a way that preserves their fragile sense of self.  My ex gf remembers every detail of everything I possibly did wrong but has magically forgotten or changed the history of her own behavior.

It's crazy, and nothing you say or do will likely change her version of events.  You must take care of YOU now, embrace your own reality, surround yourself with people who understand and can reinforce your mind.

Now, also, you have to take care of your real child and not the inner child of your ex.  It might feel harsh, but it's a really positive move.

Hugs to you... .

[babyspook]

Cardinal,

Are you writing about me?  Wow, my stbxw did the very same thing.  This is my 6th and final recycle with her in 2yrs.  Upon her leaving this last time, I was presented with, "We can't be friends right now but maybe sometime in the future."  Ha ha!  That statement in an of itself is her way of putting all the blame on me for her leaving all the while sending me a very clear message that she'll be back again for another rollercoaster ride.  Not gonna happen, folks!

You are doing the right thing by disposing of "memories" and anything else that reminds you of the ex.  You don't need those little reminders sitting around.  It was after mine bailed on me the 5th time that I threw everthing away including my wedding ring.  After this last and final split-up, I literally had nothing left to get rid of.  It makes moving on soo much easier.  I feel like I'm months ahead in the recovery game.  I also think it helped that I always knew it wasn't "if" she would leave again, but "when" *and* accepting the reality that they'll never change and we can't help them... .no matter how much we love them.

[Cardinals in Flight]

Thank you all, it helps so much to read your replies.

I am an educated, 50 something year old woman, I cannot believe I am in this nightmare. I feel like I am the one who is unstable trying to make sense of this chaos.  :)elusional over the events of the last two years.  She did indeed rewrite history.  I let her know during one of the more recent silent treatments that it really hurt me, I even read the definition to her.  I know that was futile, and gas to the flame but it was the umpteenth time and she could never understand why it took me a while to be able to 'warm up' after one of these episodes.  She is an educated, highly successful, independent woman who for all apprearences is gregarious, friendly, outgoing super funny and all of that is what attracted me to her.  She is also a functional alcoholic.

I have surrendered, yet again, that it's all bigger than me, I can't fix, control, or change the outcome.

Detaching this time is so much harder.

[patientandclear]

CiF -- how are you faring today?   

[seeking balance]

CIF - I am sorry you are back on leaving and hurting.   

I am an educated, 50 something year old woman, I cannot believe I am in this nightmare. I feel like I am the one who is unstable trying to make sense of this chaos.  

Well, to be fair - isn't this pretty accurate?  What is that old saying, "insanity is doing the same things over and over, but expecting different results".

You know what, that is ok isn't it?  You risked you because you loved her - you knew, but you went back because of your love from what you say... .that doesn't make you a bad person or stupid, it makes you deeply human. 

Be gentle with yourself as you grieve - sometimes in life we make choices we wish we could undo or redo, but it is here that our character is strengthened. 

You may feel crappy and sad right now, but you will get through this - you are not alone.

I have surrendered, yet again, that it's all bigger than me, I can't fix, control, or change the outcome.

Detaching this time is so much harder.

I think it is normal to be harder this time, don't you?  Last time, even though she walked like a duck - it never really sank in that the close friend role didn't change the fact she has strong BPD/npd traits, thus even when you validated or used staying tools - as soon as you spoke your needs, she was going to pull away. 

But, again, it's ok - let yourself grieve this as you did love her and it is sad.  You did your best, unfortunately with a pwBPD, sometimes that is not enough... .I know for me, I did absolutely everything that I could and even as I would read things here on the legal board, I certainly thought my BPD wouldn't do that - well, the disorder is what it is.

Accepting it for me, meant it was really over/over - and that is a very painful reality.

Everyone has their own path - be gentle with yourself right now.

[peterparker]

CIF - I'm sorry you're going through this.

I'm pretty sure I speak for everyone here when I say we all understand what you're going through.

I am 2 months NC, and my exBPDgf is moving to a city 6 hours away to be with my replacement on Saturday and I'm fine.

The biggest hurdle for me was that feeling of insanity in myself. What was wrong with me? Where the things she was saying about me true? Was I to blame for our relationship falling apart?

The answers are no, there is nothing wrong with us. No, the things they were saying about us aren't true. And no, I was not to blame for the relationship falling apart.

We all go through life encountering many many people. 99% of those people are genuine, trustworthy, kind and generous. These are the people we can rely on, invest in and trust. From my own experience, when I encountered someone who wasn't this way, and I loved this person, it seemed as if the world itself had turned upside down, hence my feeling a little crazy myself.

Recycle after recycle, we just want to believe that these people are part of the 99%, but they're not and just because they are disordered, it doesn't mean we are.

I struggled with trying to help my ex. She warned me about being 'broken' and and 'alien' when I first met her, but there is nothing we can do to help. Only they can help themselves. Just like someone who is sick with alcoholism or drug dependency, they need to do the work for themselves, and there is no magical cure, and most importantly another person will not cure them. Not us, not anyone else in their lives.

Be patient with yourself and the time it takes to reframe who this person was and is to you. Did they treat you as a friend should? Did they treat you as a partner should? Probably not.

The things that have helped me most is maintaining NC. As a compliment to that, trying to reconnect with who I was before I met this person is incredibly helpful. I was happier then, more fulfilled, more confident in my ability to be good to people, and to love, and that's once again who I am. Go back in time and remember the times when you were happy without this person, because as hard as it is to imagine, those times did exist.

Also, I'm pretty educated too. I managed to finish my 2nd masters while dealing with all this drama, so I think I deserve a 3rd:) Every person on this board is a smart, rational, and caring individual. Sure, we all have our faults, we've all made mistakes, but some things you just can't explain, some things you just have to accept. We cannot reason away being hurt by another's disrespectful actions. We cannot reason away our feelings emptiness or loss. We are at our cores animals, with little control over how we react emotionally. What we can do though is create new circumstances that foster more positive emotions like time with friends and family, time with our old selves. NC is useful in this because it separates us from the pain. It shows us what life is like without this person who causes pain, and what it's like with people who bring us happiness.

It takes a while, but we must remind ourselves daily that we deserve better than this. It doesn't matter how normal they seem on the outside, how happy they may seem with replacements or without. What we saw, heard and experienced was the truth, and that's what this board is for, to make us feel less crazy.

This was said in another topic, but "Why should we treat this person like a priority in our lives, when all they ever did was treat us like an option?"

On a personal note from my story, the last thing my ex said to me was 'We shouldn't speak for a year'. 'Ok, that's a good idea,' I said. For the last two months I've gotten the occasional text, email, wishing me well, checking in. I got one 30 mins ago of her saying goodbye to her 'friend'. Not apology for the ways she treated me, and no acknowledgement or understand or regret over the things she did.

Reasons and excuses are irrelevant at this point. She is no longer my friend, if she ever was, because my friends have never treated me with such disrespect. End of story.

[letmeout]

This was a good thread, and one that makes me remember why No Contact is so vital in moving beyond the experience of being involved with a BPD partner.

I am two years out, and I count my blessings every single day that I no longer have to deal with the crazy making traits of my ex.  Trust that you will recover.

[Cardinals in Flight]

Thank you ALL, mostly for just forgiving my insanity and being so understanding.

Pete? I paricularly appreciate you (())

I'm wavering between really ok and profound sadness.  In reality, I AM a happy go lucky person with a lot of friends and loved ones, people who warned me long ago to just get out.

I have BLOCKED her every way possible, and am accepting that I will never see her again.  I'll go to any length to make that happen, she's bad news to someone who really knows her.  On being villanized? And I know that I am, I know the truth and people who know me know the truth too.  I've got her number, she knows, I know it, I got past the mask, she couldn't handle that or the good little doormat standing up for herself and calling her on her crap.

I do wonder, as if all of us here probably do, did anything associated with me make any difference in her life?  She made a huge impact on me, it wasn't all negative.  I have so many great memories, but I have some really nasty ones as well.  I'm no paragon of virtue, but I did not deserve this from her and I know deep down that I can walk away with head held high.

I never EVER regretted taking the high road.

CiF

[eclectic]

Cardinal,

Are you writing about me?  Wow, my stbxw did the very same thing.  This is my 6th and final recycle with her in 2yrs.  Upon her leaving this last time, I was presented with, "We can't be friends right now but maybe sometime in the future."  Ha ha!  That statement in an of itself is her way of putting all the blame on me for her leaving all the while sending me a very clear message that she'll be back again for another rollercoaster ride.  Not gonna happen, folks!

You are doing the right thing by disposing of "memories" and anything else that reminds you of the ex.  You don't need those little reminders sitting around.  It was after mine bailed on me the 5th time that I threw everthing away including my wedding ring.  After this last and final split-up, I literally had nothing left to get rid of.  It makes moving on soo much easier.  I feel like I'm months ahead in the recovery game.  I also think it helped that I always knew it wasn't "if" she would leave again, but "when" *and* accepting the reality that they'll never change and we can't help them... .no matter how much we love them.

When mine kicked me to the curb 7 months ago, I asked her we can't even be friends in the future, she said no, she didn't want to be my friend, now she has started calling me, which I'm ignoring. Now, I'm the one finding myself not wanting to be friends,

[newlife3]

Why are you being so harsh on yourself.  You made a choice to trust and try to make it work. In life we often makes choices & the outcome doesn't work, as its

's out of our control.

You are not responsible for her disorder. You can control your own healing and make a choice to focus on your own family for the holidays.

Its all a learning experience, no failure, just look at taking care of yourself now, and future choices.

All the best!

[Cardinals in Flight]

Thank you all 

I knew in my gut that friendship would not be possible with the emotional entanglement, and I was right.  I will forever trust myself and run when my inner voice says so. 

We will never be friends, she is in my past, and I'm going to leave her there for my own sake.

CiF

[newlife3]

So there is the BIG takeway you learned... trust your gut, instincts... .so no failures... just learning experience that will benefit you in your next r/s!

[Cardinals in Flight]

I am having a horrible time.  I cannot go anywhere without these overwhelming memories, emotions, etc.  The holidays are no doubt exacerbating this, but I feel like I'm in the middle of a raging river stuck on a rock with no way to get back on shore.  She was a huge presence in my life and I miss her terribly.  Mostly the good times I guess.  I'm wanting badly to reach out (I will not), even though she has moved on, it would feed that huge ego and I really have no desire to do that.

:'( :'(

[heartandwhole]

CiF     I'm sorry that you are feeling awful.  This detaching thing is so hard.  Know that we care about you and are here for you. 

Is there something you can dig into today that will give your mind a little break from these circling thoughts?  Anything that requires your undivided attention for a while?

Hang in there, you will get through this. 

[Cardinals in Flight]

So, I'm pulling out wrapping paper, stockings and other holiday stuff, BAM there is the X's stocking, HER wrapping paper, gift tags leftover with her handwriting.  But how can this be? She essentially erased the past two Christmases as though they never happened.  I'm angry, mostly hurt, this sucks soo bad.  My gut tells me the timing was planned, would that make sense?  So there would be no "family" Christmas to suffer through...

CiF

[arn131arn]

So, I'm pulling out wrapping paper, stockings and other holiday stuff, BAM there is the X's stocking, HER wrapping paper, gift tags leftover with her handwriting.  But how can this be? She essentially erased the past two Christmases as though they never happened.  I'm angry, mostly hurt, this sucks soo bad.  My gut tells me the timing was planned, would that make sense?  So there would be no "family" Christmas to suffer through...

CiF

Cardinal, we are in the same boat.  I even begged her not to ruin the holidays and let's try to be a family.  Talk about chopping my nuts off!  But to think about purposely doing it makes me wonder and hate the evil that she is even more.