Sharing my thoughts. Could use some support.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Brief History.

I just (2 months ago) ended a 15 month marriage with a woman that our/my therapist told me has BPD.

From the onset, i idealized her, i craved her, felt loved when she loved me. The day after we got married, she said she wanted a divorce. I suggested therapy. We went to one therapist, then another, then a third.

She asked me to leave after three months of marriage, i did. then she asked me to come back - i did.

She asked me to leave after one year of marriage, i did. then she asked me to come back - i did.

The third time he asked me to leave, i told her to leave. She said she was having an affair. I left.

We got a quick divorced.

This was my second marriage.

My mom, sisters, and an uncle and some friends told me that they knew there was something wrong with her.

Things she said / did throughout or marriage.

- she said: i cheated on her, truth is my first ex told me that her would see her at single events flirting. She told people that i agreed to have an open marriage. Totally not true.

- She said: I am an alcoholic, sexaholic, pornaholic, passive aggressive. In therapy i learnt / explored this with the therapist and i realized that this was just not true. She was just finding things to put me down.

She said: that she cannot go out with me in public, shopping or restaurant because i stare at woman and want to sleep with them. even the ugly ones. Truth is she was trashing me in the community and it would be inconsistent to see us together.

She would be angry all the time, i would come home not knowing what i did wrong. But she would tell me. It was always something.

She picked fights with my daughter and son. Said i am a bad father and will lose custody of my kids. Truth is she has a record of child neglect with children's services.

She accused me of sleeping with my all my customers, i asked her who/what/when? she never could answer. The best I got from her was, "why would you not sleep around? i would never know".

I could go on... .

It was hell.

But on some primal level, i still crave her. Her hugs, the holding.

I so much identify with the statement: "Lonely boy rescues broken girl".

crazy math like: If she loves me then i am lovable. 

So today, i got an email from her. she asked me to change the address on some of my mail that was coming to her house. There was no anger or kindness, just a simple request.

I DID NOT RESPOND.

but my lonely heart, i miss her.

It is weird. When i am away from her i miss her. When we were together, after i would get my fill of hugs, i was on heaven and when the devaluation would happen, i wanted to get away so badly. and that was our unhealthy cycle.

I also know that i will miss her less if i put myself first. If i grow and make myself whole.

I know that i want to stop smoking and go to the gym. But i still smoke. I wonder if on some level, when i do this i am reaffirming that i am no good.

Just wanted to share how i am feeling and get some support... .

[samthewiss]

Brief History.

I just (2 months ago) ended a 15 month marriage with a woman that our/my therapist told me has BPD.

From the onset, i idealized her, i craved her, felt loved when she loved me. The day after we got married, she said she wanted a divorce. I suggested therapy. We went to one therapist, then another, then a third.

She asked me to leave after three months of marriage, i did. then she asked me to come back - i did.

She asked me to leave after one year of marriage, i did. then she asked me to come back - i did.

The third time he asked me to leave, i told her to leave. She said she was having an affair. I left.

We got a quick divorced.

This was my second marriage.

My mom, sisters, and an uncle and some friends told me that they knew there was something wrong with her.

Things she said / did throughout or marriage.

- she said: i cheated on her, truth is my first ex told me that her would see her at single events flirting. She told people that i agreed to have an open marriage. Totally not true.

- She said: I am an alcoholic, sexaholic, pornaholic, passive aggressive. In therapy i learnt / explored this with the therapist and i realized that this was just not true. She was just finding things to put me down.

She said: that she cannot go out with me in public, shopping or restaurant because i stare at woman and want to sleep with them. even the ugly ones. Truth is she was trashing me in the community and it would be inconsistent to see us together.

She would be angry all the time, i would come home not knowing what i did wrong. But she would tell me. It was always something.

She picked fights with my daughter and son. Said i am a bad father and will lose custody of my kids. Truth is she has a record of child neglect with children's services.

She accused me of sleeping with my all my customers, i asked her who/what/when? she never could answer. The best I got from her was, "why would you not sleep around? i would never know".

I could go on... .

It was hell.

But on some primal level, i still crave her. Her hugs, the holding.

I so much identify with the statement: "Lonely boy rescues broken girl".

crazy math like: If she loves me then i am lovable. 

So today, i got an email from her. she asked me to change the address on some of my mail that was coming to her house. There was no anger or kindness, just a simple request.

I DID NOT RESPOND.

but my lonely heart, i miss her.

It is weird. When i am away from her i miss her. When we were together, after i would get my fill of hugs, i was on heaven and when the devaluation would happen, i wanted to get away so badly. and that was our unhealthy cycle.

I also know that i will miss her less if i put myself first. If i grow and make myself whole.

I know that i want to stop smoking and go to the gym. But i still smoke. I wonder if on some level, when i do this i am reaffirming that i am no good.

Just wanted to share how i am feeling and get some support... .

[jjk0614]

Hi Sam

I am so sorry that you are in this kind of pain. But I will also say that you are absolutely not alone. Reading through your post I kept thinking "He is writing my story with my ex" except her and I never made it to marriage. But everything else was the same, I would be staring at everygirl and want to sleep with them no matter what. When in reality she was and still is the most beautiful girl I have ever laid my eyes upon. So here is the harsh reality for you. My ex cheated and walked out on me in February of 2012. She has two kids that I love and adore and will never see again. When she left, she changed her email, her phone, and literally left me with no way to contact her to try and reconcile. The only avenue I had was to go to her moms (where she moved to when she first left me). And believe me I did, many times, only to never have the door answered. As the months went on I slowly gave up on going to her moms. Now her mom sold the house and I have no idea where my ex is. And I miss her still, terribly, especially now for the holidays. So here I am 2 years later and still missing her and wanting her back on so many levels.

     Unfortunately this kind of pain is traumatic, the way we loved and continue to love them causes nothing short of trauma when they abandon us. I feel you bro, I've been there in every single way that you are there right now. I could sit her and say take care of you, worry about you, all the things that were said to me when I first began posting here, but honestly none of that worked. What DID help however is reading the replies to me... .to post honestly about all the pain I was feeling and hearing other's pain as well. Just knowing I was not nuts or crazy and that others felt exactly as I did was enough to help pull me through. I also found a lot of healing in music... .all kinds... .depending on the day or my mood. Lots of angry music and dark metal passed through my ear canals the first couple of months.

     Today I have good periods during the day. She is still my first thought every morning and my last thought every night. I haven't been able to move on just yet so I am still single. I spend a lot of time with friends and doing things that make me happy. But the pain is still there. So I'm not going to sit here and tell you it will go away soon, most likely it won't. My therapist diagnosed me with PTSD due to the trauma of her leaving and abandoning me. Perhaps you feel the same. What I can tell you is keep posting here... .there are so many good people here, that will empathize and tell you their story as well. No one heals exactly the same, it takes different amounts of time for each individual. And I am still healing a lot after two years. But now I have the ability to accept that she will never reach out to me, and that I will never get closure or even have a chance to say goodbye. I've accepted that and I can feel myself healing a bit faster now. It will come for you sam. Stay close to friends, and please keep posting and replying.

[Perfidy]

STW... Support is yours! Everything you did is pretty normal for an unhealthy relationship. Sounds like you already recognize that. That is the first step. You are on the right track. Your feelings are normal... .Missing her. It's like missing cancer,or a rattlesnake bite. Everyone on this board is either going through that or went through it. We share a common problem. When it becomes acute we suffer. Again,normal... If you didn't feel this way you wouldn't be human.

The first step is just being aware. You are aware. When you are ready take the next step. Do something about it. You are divorced for a reason? These relationships take a heavy toll on us.

The healing and recovery can be tough, especially when it comes to understanding yourself, your reasoning in accepting less than you deserve. I could not feel any progress in moving forward with my own healing until I put her completely out of my life and started concentrating on me,myself,and I.

I truly hope the best for you and your well being.  Peace

[Learning_curve74]

Hey samthewiss, thank you for sharing your story. Like jjk0614, I can see parts of myself and my exBPDgf in your story too. I miss her too and am figuring out where I'm going from here with all the knowledge I've gained about myself.

When we experience events under the influence of heightened emotions, they get really stuck into our heads due to the biochemistry. I can only imagine how you felt hearing your ex ask for a divorce one day after your marriage. Traumatic events tend to bond people together strongly. The drama your BPDex provided unconsciously increased your attachment to her. That's not something that is easy to break, but you do have the ability though it will take work on your part to detach.

Please don't beat yourself up for not quitting smoking or hitting the gym. Now is the time to be kind to yourself and love yourself. Take baby steps if you need to, reduce the amount you smoke, go to the gym a short time even if it's just to change into your workout clothes and back. Ask somebody to ask you about it to keep you accountable, or better yet ask somebody who is trying to do the same things too so you keep each other accountable.

You ARE good enough. ALWAYS remember that and take care of yourself.  

[frustrated b/f]

samthewiss, hang in there. It will get better

[samthewiss]

Thank you all. You helped me very much.